崩溃人生（2017）

你搞什么
"What the fuck, man?"
去中风街啊
"Get the hell in the stroke lane!"
中风街是什么鬼 老天
"What the fuck is a stroke lane, man?"
然后你得穿过马路
And then... and then you gotta cross that street!
在倒计时中过那条长长的马路
That long-ass street with the countdown--
对面那灯在倒计时
the light with the countdown on it.
开始倒计时了 我的心开始狂跳
It starts counting down, and my heart starts racing.
糟糕 怎么办
Oh, shit! What the fuck!
17... 16...
突然之间我和一个推助行器的老婆子在竞跑了
All of a sudden, I'm in a race with an old bitch in a walker.
15...
好了 准备观看接下来的演出了吗
All right, man. Y'all ready to keep this show going, man?
一起来看看
Let's hear this shit, man!
欢呼起来 我们还有演出呢
Come on, man, we got more show.
有个特邀嘉宾来演出
Got a special guest spot coming-- stopping past.
非常搞笑的家伙
Very funny guy.
在全国各个俱乐部 各个大学演出
Clubs and colleges all around the country.
掌声有请皮特·福尔摩斯
Give it up for Pete Holmes!
来吧 皮特·福尔摩斯
Come on, man! Pete Holmes!
皮特
Pete!
谢谢
Thank you!
基思·罗宾逊 掌声继续送给基思
Keith Robinson! Keep it going for Keith.
瞅瞅 瞅瞅
Look at this. Look at that.
不太了解 我不太了解酒窖喜剧
I don't know. I don't know Comedy Cellar,
如果我要
you know, if I'm gonna--
你们可能需要给我开个天窗
You might have to put in a skylight for me.
这个不太对劲
This isn't right.
你们在泳池里撒过尿吗
You guys pee in the pool?
如果你在泳池里撒过尿就鼓鼓掌
Clap your hands if you pee in the pool.
怕什么
Don't be afraid.
撒过 没撒过 撒过 撒过 没撒过
Pee. No pee. Pee. Pee. No pee.
所有没撒过的人 你们得撒一次
All the no pee-ers, you gotta pee in the pool.
这是你作为成年人能做的
It is one of the truest acts of freedom
最真实的自♥由♥之举了
you can do as a human adult.
站在齐腰的水里 离陌生人一米远
To stand up to here in water, three feet away from a stranger,
问人家"你好吗"
just like, "What's going on?"
咱们离近点
Let's get closer.
小时候 我们经常在泳池里撒尿
We used to pee so much in the pool when I was a kid,
他们甚至在水里放一种化学品
they actually went so far as to put a chemical in the water
只要你在里面撒尿 水就会变成红色
that would make the water turn red if you peed in it.
有人见过这样的泳池吗
Anybody else have a pool that did this?
我们经常设计陷害小孩
We used to try and frame kids.
我们会游得离他们很近 撒尿之后立马游走
We'd swim up to them real close, pee, then swim away.
他们就被揪出去了
They'd get kicked out.
干的最漂亮的事就是上跳台
But the best thing to do was to go on the high-dive,
最高的那个跳板
the highest diving board they had,
起跑 半空中尿在泳裤里
run off, pee your pants in mid-air.
当你入水的时候 装成死人漂浮的样子
When you hit the water, do the dead-man's float.
水变红了
The water turned red.
大家都以为你炸了
Everyone thought you exploded.
谢谢大家 非常感谢 真开心
Thank you, guys, very much! What a thrill!
酒窖喜剧 谢谢
Comedy Cellar! Thank you!
掌声送给皮特·福尔摩斯
All right. Give it up for Pete Holmes, man!
-杰布克 -哥们 太棒了
- Jaboukie! - Dude, that's so good!
-天啊 -真的 你太棒了
- Man! - Like, for real, you killed it.
观众很给力 特别好
I fucking-- They're right there, they're right there.
-太好了 感觉好极了 -是 特别棒
- They're so good! That was amazing! - Yeah. Yeah, great job!
谢谢
Thank you!
你干什么呢 你忙什么呢
What's going on? What are you-- What's going on?
我刚联♥系♥了一个在纽约我认识的人
I actually hit up the person that I knew in New York,
他们让我演一场
and they ended up getting me a spot.
你 在这 在这演吗
You-- here? Here?
是的 我也很惊讶
Yeah, I'm shocked, too. Yeah.
天啊 哥们 找的谁
Oh my God! Dude, who?
米歇尔·沃尔夫
Michelle Wolf.
她是我姐姐的大学朋友 我刚才看见她了
She's, like, college friends with my sister, and I saw her.
你找了米歇尔·沃尔夫
You hit up Michelle Wolf?
是的 她
Yeah, uh, she--
去年圣诞节还是什么时候来着 我见过她
I, like, saw her last Christmas or whatever.
哥们 这太棒了 你应该早点告诉我
Dude, that's amazing. You should have told me.
我也想认识米歇尔·沃尔夫
I want to meet Michelle Wolf.
-她人挺好 -是吧
- Yeah, she's cool. - Right?
人挺好
She's cool!
虽然只是临时表演 但是观众很棒
It's just a guest set, but they're amazing.
你会表演得很棒的
You're gonna fucking kill.
-是吗 观众很配合吗 -非常好
- Yeah? They're good? - It's amazing!
是的 看看我们
Yes! Look at us, man!
昨天早晨 我们还在古彻大学
Yesterday morning, we were at Goucher College.
现在 名声大噪
Now, big-time.
-我说过我们能做到 一片光明 -是的
- This is what I said we'd do-- lighting it up! - Right. Yeah.
我为你骄傲 我为你高兴
I'm proud of you. I'm happy for you.
女士们先生们 掌声有请杰布克·扬-怀特
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Jaboukie Young-White!
来吧 杰布克
Come on, man! Jaboukie!
你们好 你们好
What's up? What's up?
米歇尔·他妈的沃尔夫
Michelle fucking Wolf.
大家好 我是混血 有人是混血吗
What's up? I'm multiracial. Anybody multiracial?
有吗 有 太好了
Anybody? Yeah, yeah! Awesome!
我是混血 这事有点奇怪
I am, and it's kind of weird, though,
因为我注意到我在各个城市的种族都不一样
'cause, like, I've noticed that my race changes from city to city
有点奇怪 当我在芝加哥的时候
in, like, a weird way. Like, when I'm in Chicago,
大家以为我是黑白混血
people just think that I'm half black, half white.
我在纽约的时候 大家以为我是波多黎各人
When I'm in New York, people think that I'm Puerto Rican.
可我进了西维斯药店 大家都以为我在偷东西
But when I'm in CVS, everyone thinks I'm stealing.
特别惨 因为我确实在偷东西
Which is, like, really frustrating, 'cause I am.
我不知道该怎么开车 我不会开车
I don't know how to drive. I can't drive,
所以需要用车时 我到哪都用优步
so I just gotta, like, Uber everywhere, like, if I need to drive.
有一天 我有生以来第一次 叫到了
And for the first time, the other day, I had an Uber driver
一个评分只有3.8的司机
that had a 3.8 rating.
这家伙莫不是杀人吧
Like, are you murdering people?
什么情况
What's going on?
我下了车 走之字形地进了公♥寓♥楼
I, like, got out the car, like, zig-zagged into my apartment,
以防他 这样
just in case he, like...
然后我就会
Just like, "Aah!"
瞄准我吹个飞镖 拿走我的手♥机♥
Just, like, blow-darts me, takes my phone,
给自己一个五星好评
gives himself five stars.
这帮司机求之不得
These drivers be thirsty.
你好 我是皮特
Hello. Pete.
谢谢你
Thank you.
-谢谢 -不客气
- Thank you. - Sure.
圣培露矿泉水
Pellegrino.
这么说吧
So...
请讲
So.
你没准备好
You're not ready.
真的吗 我以为我搞定了[杀人]
Really? I... I thought I killed.
我把观众都搞定了
I mean, they... I killed.
不
No.
强力的炸♥弹♥好过无力的杀招
A strong bomb is better than a weak kill.
有什么...
Is there...
抱歉 什么 什么意思
Sorry. What? What?
你是谁 为何而来 为何是现在
Who are you, why are you, and why now?
我这里有许多言之无物的白人小哥
I have plenty of white guys talking about nothing.
有什么东西是...
Is it-- is there something, I mean--
你的表演没有打动我
Look, it didn't do anything for me.
-埃斯蒂 你好 -格里尔
- Estee! How are you? - Oh hi, Greer!
-你好吗 -好美啊
- How are you? - How beautiful.
-很好 很好 -坐下来 坐下来
- Good. Good. Good. - Sit down, sit down.
-怎么样 -棒极了
- How was it? - Oh, it was fantastic.
-旺达·赛克斯都顺路进来了 -真的吗
- Wanda Sykes stopped in. - Really?
-她真的来了 -她真是太好了
- Yeah, she did well. - I don't expect anything less from her.
唯一不变的事实是
The only thing that stays the same
几乎在每家西维斯药店我都被跟踪
is the fact that I get followed in like every CVS, basically.