崩溃人生（2017）

Just get there, baby. Just get there, who cares?
我不在乎 我不想争论
I don't care. I don't want to debate.
对吧
Right?
不过...
But...
我要说
I will say
《圣经》里有些事
that there are some things in the Bible
我希望并不是真人真事
that I hope aren't literally true.
我希望有些只是虚构
I hope some parts are myths.
我想你们知道我在说哪些部分
I think you know what parts I'm talking about.
亚伯拉罕和以撒
Uh, Abraham and Isaac.
《创世纪》22章
Genesis 22.
我想你们都知道这个故事
I think you know the story.
上帝要亚伯拉罕杀死自己的儿子
God tells Abraham to kill his son.
亚伯拉罕就说"好的" 不信你们查
Abraham-- look it up-- goes, "Okay!"
然后他把以撒叫醒 "我们要去哪"
So he wakes up Isaac. "Where are we going?"
"谁在乎呢 这并不重要"
"Who cares? It doesn't matter."
两个人去 一个人回
Two men are gonna go in, one comes back.
"爸爸不需要告诉你细节 亲爱的
"Daddy doesn't need to tell you the details, honey.
一切要结束了"
This is the end."
叫醒以撒 带他到山上让上帝能看到
Wakes up Isaac, takes him to a mountain so God can see.
他就像个偷♥窥♥狂 就像虐杀电影一样
He's like a voyeur, like a snuff film.
上帝想看到亚伯拉罕动手
God wants to see Abraham do it,
他准备动手杀 然后又没有
and then he's gonna kill him and then he doesn't.
我希望这并不是真事
I hope that is not literally true.
如果这只是个讲给我们听的故事
If that's just a story that they tell us
让我们知道要把一切奉献给上帝
so that we know, oh, you're supposed to give up everything for God,
不论如何 不论你多么喜欢那东西
no matter what, no matter how attached you are to it,
这是个美好的故事
that's beautiful.
不然
Otherwise,
这就是一个老男人
that's just a story about an old man
听到幻声要他杀死自己儿子的故事
who hears voices that tell him to kill his son.
而且他真的准备动手
And he was gonna do it!
他真的准备动手
He was going to do it.
他已经举起了刀子
He had the knife up in the air,
他又听到另一个声音 感谢上帝
and he heard another voice, thank God.
要是他没听到这个声音会做出什么
What would he have done if he hadn't heard the voice?
就会是...
It just would've been...
你现在爱我了吗
Do you love me now?
太疯狂了
That's nuts.
还有另一个《圣经》故事
Here's another Bible story.
《圣经》中大卫王遇到一个女人 想要娶她
King David in the Bible met a woman, he wanted to marry her,
那个女人的父亲说"你可以娶我女儿
and the father of that woman said, "You can marry my daughter,
不过首先..." 这是真的哦
but first..." this is real--
"你得给我带来一百个包皮"
you have to bring me a hundred foreskins."
什么
What?!
你这反应就对了 先生
That's the correct response, sir.
不喊"什么"都没道理
Everyone who didn't go, "What?!" is wrong.
大呼"什么"才是...
"What?!" is the--
我读到时就大喊"什么" 那可是...
When I read it, I went, "What?!" that's--
"一百个包皮就可以娶我女儿"
"A hundred foreskins for my daughter."
查查《圣经》 这是真的
Look this up, it's true.
大卫就说"我带两百个"
David goes, "I'll make it 200 hundred."
请原谅我的用词 他有点自大[阴♥茎♥]了
Pardon the expression, but he was cocky.
他找到两百个他讨厌的男人
He found 200 dudes he hated,
杀死他们 然后咔嚓咔嚓
he killed them, and snip-snip.
放进盒子里 带去给那位父亲
Put it in a box, brought it back to the dad,
那位父亲就说"不错啊
and the dad was like, "Oh, good!
你达成了我的要求" 他还要数一遍
You did what I asked." And then he had to count.
他要确保确实是两百个
He had to make sure there was 200.
他就这样"一个
He was like, "Uh, one...
两个
uh, two...
三个
uh, three...
四... 休想蒙混 这是眼皮"
uh, fo-- Oh, nice try. That's an eyelid."
非常感谢你们
Thank you guys so much.
真心的 真的很欢乐
I really mean that. This is so much fun.
晚安
Good night!
演出很棒
Great show, guys.
皮特
Pete.
你知道我必须让你走人吧
You know I have to fire you, right?
我猜到了
Yeah, I figured.
你知道这为什么叫"真诚信仰巡演"吗
You know why we call this the Good Faith Variety Tour?
因为人们是怀着真诚信仰买♥♥票的
Because people buy their tickets in good faith,
你却尿在上面了
and you pissed all over that.
你说了"尿"
You said "pissed."
真好笑
Hilarious.
-约翰 -怎么了
- John. - What's up, man?
我不能再演出了
Uh, I'm off the tour.
我不惊讶
I mean, I'm not surprised.
你模仿的捅刀声一团糟
I mean, that stabbing noise was messed up.
我不确定我在这里会不会有前途
I don't know, man. I just don't know if I can grow here.
我需要开放
I need to be in the open fields,
奔跑 谈论屁♥股♥
running and talking about asses.
在这里有点窒息
I-- It's just a little suffocating here right now.
我觉得你特别擅长这个
I think you're so good at it.
不...
Nah, I mean--
萝卜青菜各有所爱
to each his own, you know?
看来上帝给每个人安排了不同的人生
I guess God has a different plan for all of us, man, you know?
或许在他计划中你不该一晚赚一千
Maybe it wasn't in his plan for you to make $1,000 a night.
好吧 感谢
It's like, okay, thank you for that.
真是伤口上撒盐 多谢了
Oh, that's salt in the wound? Thank you.
-要来看我啊 和你一起挺开心 -好的
- Look me up, man. This was fun. - All right.
-我会想你的 -我也会想你的
- I'm gonna miss you. - I'll miss you, too, man.
再见
Bye.
皮特 祝你和凯特的事顺利
Oh, Pete. Good luck with Kat, man.
谢了
Thanks, man.
再见
See ya.
为什么你长得像长凳广♥告♥上的地♥产♥经纪
Why do you look like a realtor on a bench ad?
有几处房♥子你可以看看
I have some properties I'd like to show you.
她说我在玩消失 所以我同意坐下聊聊
She said I was ghosting her, so I agreed to sit down.
那你有玩消失吗
Were you ghosting her?
没有 我没有 我没回她
No, I don't-- I didn't, you know, reply to her.
这就是玩消失
That's the definition of ghosting.
我不是很擅长对峙 但她
I'm not good with confrontation, okay, but she...
坚持
insisted.
真是操了
Fucking hell.
你总得找她
Well, you're gonna have to have some kind
正式谈分手吧
of official break-up conversation.
你准备跟她坐下来好好谈了吗
Are you gonna sit her down and do it?
-不 我们已经分手了 -好吧
- No, we broke up. - Okay.
我们知道我们已经分手了
We know we broke up.
她只是想要场分手谈话[离职谈话]
She just wants an exit interview.
你是这么说的吗 分手谈话
Is that what you're calling it? An exit interview?
-是她起的名 -苹果蜂餐厅员工被炒鱿鱼
- She called it that. - That's what they do at Applebee's
需要跟经理坐下来谈话
when you get fired and you wanna sit down with the manager
-谈谈原因 -我们也是
- and go over what happened. - That's what we're doing.
我们要评估我在这段恋情中的表现 这不是
We're reviewing my performance in a relationship. It's not--
你知道吗 这是个不错的梗
You know what? That is a good tag.
我就用那个了 那是个很不错的梗
So I'll use that, and that was a great tag, so...
-谢谢 -我要买♥♥下来
- Thank you. - I'm gonna Venmo you for that,
这个梗会很好笑的
because that was-- that's gonna be hilarious.
很抱歉 我没回你短♥信♥
I'm sorry I-- on the phone, I haven't been the best at, um--
我知道你害怕了 我明白
Yeah, I know you're scared. I get it.
我们都是成年人了
Listen, we're both adults,
我们可以好好聊聊这件事
so we can talk about what happened
然后就能向前看了
and then we can both move on.
但我们应该坦诚一点 把事情说清楚
But we should be real about this, and we'll clean it up, and...
-成熟点 -当然
- be adults. - Absolutely.
你为什么觉得我们不能在一起了
Why do you think we shouldn't be together?
你真的想让我说出来吗
You literal-- that-- you want me to lay it out?
是的 因为我知道是怎么回事
Yeah, 'cause I know what happened.
我很清楚是怎么回事 但我想听听