崩溃人生（2017）

她有埃克哈特·托利的日历
She has an Eckhart Tolle calendar.
她给我读过一些 她经常引用耶稣的话
She reads me the quotes. She quotes Jesus all the time.
并不像你想的那么离谱
It's not as far out as you might think.
-所以说她很有深度[狄]了 -巴克·乔布拉
- So she's deep? - Pak Chopra.
她只是不像我的小皮特这样讨人喜欢
She's just not as sweet as my Petey.
丽塔 有松鼠
Rita! Squirrels!
我真为他难过
I'm sorry about him.
我也是
So am I.
我会试着接受你这个新女朋友
I'll try with this new girl.
真的吗
Would you?
你们两个都很怪 知道吧
You guys are weirdos. You know that, right?
我们不是正常的一家人
We're not a normal family.
我知道
No, I know.
这是为演出者准备的吗
Is-- is this for the performers?
"远远超出我的需要" 是吧
My cup runneth over, huh?
引自《希伯来圣经》
这真的太丰盛了
Yeah, this is a crazy spread.
我还没见过这样的
I've never seen anything like it.
对了 我是皮特 是个喜剧演员
I'm Pete, by the way. I'm a comic.
我也是 我是滑人
Oh, me too. Fudge.
-滑人 -是的
- Fudge? - Yeah.
这不是你的名字吧
That's-- that's not your name?
不不 我真名叫约翰
No, no. My real name is John,
不过滑人是我的首字母缩略名
but Fudge is an acronym I go by--
滑稽独特热忱绅士表演艺人
Funny Unique Devoted Gentleman Entertainer.
根据我们简短的交谈
Yeah, based on just this brief interaction,
我觉得你很滑头
I think you're very fudgy.
谢谢
Thank you.
上次演出我没见到你
I didn't see you at the last show.
我那时还在出差
Ah, yeah, man, I was on the road.
是的 我也在俱乐部表演
Yeah, I do clubs, too.
在犹他 迪士尼
You know, I was in Utah, Disney.
-迪士尼吗 -是的
- Disney? - Disney.
-你在迪士尼说单口相声吗 -没错
- You did stand-up comedy at Disney? - In Disney, yeah.
太棒了 他们让你免费入园吗
That's incredible! They let you in the park for free?
是的 闭园时间也能玩
Yeah, and after hours, too.
没其他人自己随便转
You get this tour when nobody's there, man.
-特别爽 -太酷了吧
- It's awesome. Yeah. - Get out.
给你个建议 不要跟着腹语表演者
Word of advice. Don't follow the ventriloquist.
因为腹语表演者想说什么就说什么
'Cause a ventriloquist can say whatever he wants
因为观众觉得傀儡没有灵魂
'cause the audience thinks the dummy don't have a soul.
-真的吗 -真的
- Is that true? - It's true.
好了各位 围过来
All right, guys, let's circle up.
好的
All right, let's...
亲爱的天父 感谢您给我们
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you so much for the opportunity
今晚表演的机会
to perform this evening,
我们祈祷今晚都能做最好的演出
and we pray that we'd all perform our personal best.
我们以耶稣之名祈祷
And we pray all this in the mighty name of Jesus.
-上帝的子民说 -阿门
- And all God's people said? - Amen.
好了 希望演出一切顺利
All righty. Let's have a great show.
*某天我听说了一个人*
*I heard about a man one day*
*不浪费时间的人*
*Who wasted not his time away*
*他每天都向上帝祈祷*
*He prayed to God every morning, noon, and night*
*他不在乎国王的法令*
*He cared not for the king's decree*
*他每天都向上帝祈祷*
*He prayed to God every morning, noon, and night*
你抽烟了吗
Have you been smoking?
没有 有人在厕所抽烟
No, someone was smoking in the bathroom.
在教堂吗
In church?
是的 我也觉得很奇怪
Yeah, I thought it was weird, too.
*他每天都向上帝祈祷*
*He prayed to God every morning, noon, and night*
*我唱歌♥是因为我自♥由♥*
*I sing because I'm free*
*他的眼睛盯着麻雀*
*His eye is on the sparrow*
*我知道他在看*
*And I know he watches*
这造型太棒了
This molding is incredible.
*我*
*Me*
这家伙说完后让我觉得
This guy tells me he's taking over to the point
我希望天堂有无线网络
where I hope Heaven got WiFi.
但是想想看 好好想想
But think about it. Really think about it.
天堂应该有无线网络吧
Heaven should have WiFi, you know what I'm saying?
那里有无限的云空间
They got unlimited cloud space.
有1TB呢
There's a terabyte right here, know what I'm saying?
看看这TB
Look at that terabyte, know what I'm saying?
想想看 天堂应该有无线网络
Think about it, Heaven should have WiFi,
因为我知道地狱有很多热点
'cause I know Hell got a lot of hot spots, and then, uh...
那里不用担心信♥号♥♥不好
They ain't gonna be worrying about reception down there.
他们会在阅后即焚和图享上
They gonna be on Snaptchat and Instagram
谈论#燃烧
talking about hashtag-burning.
所有的奇迹我都喜欢
I love all of the miracles.
我很喜欢耶稣复活拉扎勒斯
I love that Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.
那个特别重要
That's a big one.
你们觉得拉扎勒斯有没有一点点可能
Do you think there's even a small chance that Lazarus
不想被复活吗
didn't want to be raised from the dead?
因为没人问过拉扎勒斯
Like, nobody asked Lazarus.
他已经死了
He was dead.
所以他的家人
So his family--
家人 家人不能信
family, you can't trust family.
家人以为他不想死
The family assumed he didn't want to be dead.
也许拉扎勒斯想死呢
Maybe Lazarus wanted to be dead.
你能想象耶稣把他复活 拉扎勒斯说了句
Can you imagine if Jesus raised him, and Lazarus came up like,
我靠
"Oh, man!"
又来
"This again?
我刚才还在天堂 你也在啊
I was just in Heaven. You were there."
我葬礼的订金是不退的
"The deposit on my funeral was non-refundable."
我本来要和我女朋友分手的
"I was gonna break up with my girlfriend.
现在我必须当面找她分手了
Now I have to do it."
天哪 看到你和十字架一起在台上
My goodness, seeing you on that stage with the cross,
你回家真是太好了
you just looked so right at home.
你太棒了
You were so great.
这场很精彩吧 观众都很捧场
Wasn't it a great show? Everybody's so good.
-你是最棒的 -你一定很骄傲
- You were the best part. - Oh, you must be so proud.
-她很可爱 -谢谢
- She's adorable. - Oh, thank you.
这是我的孩子
And this here is my baby.
你敢信这是我生出来的吗
Can you believe this came out of me?
晚上好
Have a good evening.
-晚安 -你们太棒了
- Good night. - You were so awesome.
去吃晚饭吗
Are we, uh, gonna get dinner?
嗯 卡罗尔在法务部上班 我们订了8点半的
Yes, Carol's working at Legal. We have an 8:30 reservation.
-太好了 -皮特
- Great. - Peter...
你认为表演者最重要的特点是什么
What do you think is the most important trait for a performer?
自信
Confidence?
-我不知道 爸 -我认为是自信
- I don't know, Dad. - I think it's confidence.
罗斯福 他有自信
FDR, he had confidence.
是啊 他是个伟人
Right. Yeah. No, he's one of the greats.
你是说我要穿胸罩
You're saying that I need to put on a bra?
等等 爸
Oh, hold on, Dad.
你这么穿太惹眼了
The way you're dressed is very distracting.
等等 你干嘛
Hold on. What are you doing?
她让我穿胸罩
She just told me to put on a bra.
你穿胸罩了吗
Well, are you wearing a bra?
-这关你什么事吗 -妈
- Is that your business? - Mom!
你在教堂坐我旁边就是我的事
It's my business when you're sitting next to me in church.
这不是教堂 这是喜剧表演
It's not church, it's a comedy show.
是在教堂里表演的
In a church!
-妈妈 -皮特
- Mom. - Peter!
她让你父亲很不舒服
She made your father feel very uncomfortable.
是吗 老爸抱怨我女朋友没穿胸罩
Really? Dad complained about my girlfriend wearing a bra?
没有 但我能感觉到你父亲
No, I could feel how uncomfortable he was,
和里面的人都不舒服
and every man in there.
天啊 妈 你说这话她什么感觉
Jesus, Mom! How is that supposed to make her feel?
-皮特 注意言辞 -不
- Peter, watch your mouth! - No!
如果 如果她的父母