崩溃人生（2017）

把你打扮成一个没法跟她出门的样子
to look like a guy she couldn't go out with.
太明显了
So evidently,
她肯定有恋三十年代记者癖
she has a 1930s reporter fetish or something.
我真的很想上一个在《星球日报》里工作的人
Yeah, I really wanna bang a guy that works at The Daily Planet.
我还以为我在观众席里
I thought I was in the audience.
他看上去像
He looks like any minute,
随时都会给我们表演个近景魔术
he might do some close-up magic for all of us.
皮特
Pete...
皮特 你最好冰冰你的蛋 这个妹子很赞
Pete, you better ice your balls. This girl is awesome.
挪一下 丹 你们绝不会相信
Scoot over, Dan. Hey, you guys are never gonna believe it.
猜猜谁在楼下 皮特·福尔摩斯在楼下
Guess who's downstairs. Pete Holmes is downstairs.
皮特·福尔摩斯在观众席
Pete Holmes is in the audience?
在观众席 他坐在正前方
In the audience? He's sittin' up front
身边还有个超火♥辣♥的妞
with this super-hot chick.
告诉你们 在别的喜剧演员面前
I tell you, it's always weird doing comedy
表演喜剧真的很奇怪
in front of other comedians.
所以很明显 我没怎么受影响 因为
So, obviously, there's no big deal here, because...
-这位是谁 你妹子吗 -是的
- Who's this? Is that your girl? - Yes.
俄♥罗♥斯♥这么不好混吗 你只能
Are things that bad in Russia, man, that you had to--
你只能
...that you had to--?
你说的软呢帽
So when you-- when you say fedora,
是不是《红男绿女》中的那种
are we thinking Guys and Dolls ?
就像斯卡乐团那种 大条鱼合唱团那种
Like ska band? Reel Big Fish?
皮特 不得不说 你的胡子看起来比我的好
Pete, I gotta say, your beard looks better than mine.
这是什么 天呐
What is this? Oh, my God!
不是吧
Seriously?
性♥爱♥天堂
我不知道
I don't know...
我来看看
Let's see.
谁想看看袋子里有什么
Who wants to see what's in the bag?
这里是美国唯一一个
This is the only place in America
还实行民♥主♥制的地方 好吧
where democracy still works. All right...
有羽毛 这是什么 挠痒痒的吗
Uh, ooh, there's a feather! What is this, tickling?
这是挠屁♥眼♥的吗 挠屁♥眼♥
Is this tickling buttholes? Tickling buttholes?
我觉得放在爵士男帽上挺搭
I actually think it's gonna look good in the jazz man's hat.
这里面还有润滑油 瞧瞧
Oh, we have found lube. Look, look.
一大管润滑油 分量很足
It's a lot of lube, a lot.
你们下♥体♥都长了些什么 阴毛还是风滚草
What do you have down there? Pubic hair or a tumbleweed?
那是什么 很需要润滑一下
What's that-- That's a lot of moisturizer.
皮特 你想什么呢
Pete, what were you thinking?
这是冲动消费
It was an impulse buy.
就摆在收银台旁
It's right by the register.
你尝过吗 我得尝尝
Did you taste it? I have to taste it.
不要
No...
必须尝尝 我得尝尝什么味
Yeah, I need to. I have to taste this.
有胸部的味道
It tastes like brisket.
这是樱桃味润滑油 你们知道这有多青春吗
This is cherry lube-- do you know how juvenile that is?
这是我18岁时用的东西 对吗
Like, I used this when I was, like, 18, right?
真的很疯狂 但我饿了 所以...
Yeah, it's really crazy, but I'm hungry, so...
他从来不记得任何人的名字
He never remembers anyone's name, ever.
我知道 他是个传奇 他从乔治·巴罗开始的
I know, and he's such a legend. He started with George Barlow.
对了 使劲扭 妹子
Oh, there it is. Work it, girl!
皮特 这话一定要跟你说
ete, I gotta hand it to you.
你终于知道怎么进酒窖了
You finally figured out how to get into the Cellar.
付门票 买♥♥两杯酒 丢掉尊严
Pay the cover, buy the two drinks, and lose your dignity.
-很好笑 -你很棒 真的
- That's funny. - You were great. You really were.
多谢
Thank you so much.
-你知道还有谁很搞笑 -我们走吧
- You know who's really funny? - We're gonna go, gonna take off.
-就是他 -最有才的 开玩笑
- This guy! - Oh! One of the best! Are you kidding?
对 他是我的偶像
Yes! He's... one of my idols.
-他比你们所有人都幽默 -宝贝
- He's funnier than all of you guys. - Babe...
-宝贝 -这话我信
- Babe... - That is judgement I trust.
好吧
Okay.
很高兴你终于有粉丝了
I'm just glad you finally found a fan.
-好吧 -我们要走了
- Okay, um... - We're gonna go.
不不 等下 皮特 他们得听听这个
No, no, no. Wait, Pete. Fuck that. They need to hear this.
说来听听
Yeah, let's hear it! Let's hear it!
他真的很搞笑
He's really funny.
-是的 -真的
- He is! - Seriously! No.
你只做鬼脸
Like, you just do goofy faces,
而你装作嗑嗨的样子
and then you seem like you might be stoned,
真的很不专业
which is really unprofessional.
还有 我也说不好 你就是
And then, I don't know, you're just--
你就是不好笑
I don't-- You're just not funny.
好了 好了 冷静 冷静
All right, all right. Calm down, calm down.
太有趣了
That was fun.
-很疯狂 但很有趣 -他们真的很有趣
- Crazy, but fun. - They're really funny,
但那间屋子里也很悲哀
but there's a lot of sadness in that room.
两者总是如影随形吧
Well, that comes with it, I suppose.
怎么了
What?
-他是雷·罗曼诺 -没错
- That's Ray Romano. - I know.
-难以置信 -我也是
- I can't believe it! - I know!
去跟他聊聊啊
You have to go talk to him.
-那个 -就现在
- I mean... - Right now.
这样直接过去
I don't know if you can just go up
和雷·罗曼诺打招呼合适吗
and say "hi" to Ray Romano.
他是喜剧演员 是你同行啊
He's a comic. You're peers.
但他是个传奇
He's a legend.
他是我的英雄
He's, like, my hero.
打扰一下
Excuse me?
抱歉
So, I'm sorry.
没事 你好
Sure. Hey, man.
雷 罗曼诺先生 我是你的大粉丝
Ray-- Mr. Romano, I'm a huge fan.
我是喜剧演员 我叫皮特
I'm a comic. I'm a stand-up. I'm Pete.
嗯 谢谢
Oh, okay. Thanks. Appreciate it.
你对我来说太重要了
But you're such a big deal to me.
你表演的喜剧和你的故事
The kind of comedy you do, your story...
对我来说是种启发 我喜欢你的一切
It's an inspiration. I love everything you do.
谢谢
Appreciate it. Thank you.
谢谢 这是凯特 抱歉
Thank you. This is Kat, I'm sorry.
-你好 -你很幽默
- How are you? - I think you're hilarious.
-你好 -汤姆
- Hello. - Hi, Tom.
-我是汤姆 幸会 -汤姆 幸会
- I'm Tom. Hi, nice to meet you. - Tom, nice to meet you.
抱歉 不打扰了
I'm sorry, I don't want to--
你在他的愿景板上
You're on his vision board.
就是和你说一下
Just have to tell you that.
什么意思
What does that mean?
可别吓我 我胆子很小
Oh, man, don't scare me. I scare easy.
不 这听起来很怪异 但是
No, it sounds freaky, but it's like--
你把一些东西的照片
You take pictures of things
代表你目标和梦想的东西
that represent, like, your goals and your dreams
或者是想要得到的东西
and things that you want to achieve.
贴在海报上看着
Then you put it on a poster and then you look at it.
他今天真的剪了一张你的照片
And he literally today just, like, cut out a picture of you
贴在他的海报上
and then put it on his board.
等等 所以你是想
Oh, wait a minute. So you think, what--?
就像如果有了个意向
It's like you set an intention, and then you, like,
那么你想要做成的事情就会显现出来
you manifest the things that you want to come true.
-就像《秘密》写的一样 -没错
- Like The Secret. - It's The Secret.
我不想打碎你的美梦 但是
I don't want to burst your bubble, but...
你不会以为那是我能来这儿的原因吧
you don't think that's what got me here.
因为我确实来了
'Cause I-I come here.
-但是我也来过这儿 -没错
- But I came here, too. - Yeah.
所以或许是它让我来这儿的
So maybe it moved me to come here, and maybe--
又或许它也计划着
maybe it also, maybe plan--
我也不知道其中原因
you know, I don't know how it works.
我想要自♥由♥意志 我现在还自♥由♥吗
I-I want free will. Do I have free will still?
我不是说是我让你从家到这来的
I'm not saying I made you leave your house and come here...
-我明白 -但是就是这么巧
- I know. I get it. - ...but, you know, the stars align.
我们得走了 谢谢你
Uh, we gotta go. We gotta go. I appreciate it.
我只是想谢谢你做的一切