崩溃人生（2017）

Or maybe a fist, that'll loosen her up.
总之...
Anyway, um...
听着 征求同意
You know, listen. Consent, you know.
她说什么"征求同意太容易了 我们都懂"
She's-- "Oh, consent is so easy. We all get it."
我不确定 不一定人人都懂
I don't know, you know? I'm not sure we all do get it.
对吗 过去是懂的...
Right? I mean, it used to be you got it, you know? I mean...
还有比问女孩能不能吻她更诡异的吗
Is there anything more creepy than asking a girl to kiss her?
"你介意我把这个..."
"Hey, do you mind if I put these on-on..."
我们怎么才能做♥爱♥呢
You know? And how we gonna make sex happen?
如今都得直白地问
Now you gotta ask outright,
"我可以插♥进♥去吗
"Hey, do you mind if I put it in?
甜豆 我们要用传教士还是后入式"
Hey, Sweet Pea, are we gonna do it missionary or dog-style?"
"我可以插入了吗"
"Hey, do you mind if I insert?"
"我可以插入这个吗"
"Do you mind if I insert this?" I mean...
然后她... 等插♥进♥去了 还得问
And then her-- And then once you get it in, it's like,
"我可以拔出了吗"
"Do you mind if I take it out?"
等再插入又要怎样
And what about it when I put it in?
这样又要怎么问
Do you-- You know, what do I do here?
我要...
And, huh? I'm...
"我就快要..." 然后问...
"I'm about to-to..." and then, you know, like,
"我要射到哪里"
"Where do I arc the load?" You know? I mean...
"能射到你背上吗 还是直接...
"Is it okay on your back? Should I just--
如果射到你脚上呢 你会告我吗"
What if it hits you in the foot, you know? You gonna sue me?"
我一个女性朋友
A female friend of mine...
我一个女性朋友去墨西哥
Female friend of mine goes to Mexico to get, uh,
去做山寨节育 因为更便宜
get knock-off birth control because it's cheaper.
这真的是个好主意吗
Do we really think that's a good idea?
墨西哥人口那么多
I mean... there are a lot of Mexicans.
肯定会喜欢他 掌声有请皮特·福尔摩斯
...love him, I promise. Give it up for Pete Holmes!
正想找你呢
Hey, just the person I wanted to see!
还需要什么吗
Do you need anything else?
你看到那些混♥蛋♥了吗
Did you see those dipshits out there?
嗯 挺不好受的 真的很抱歉
Yeah, that was rough. I'm really sorry.
算了 你有没有喝一杯
Anyway, do you have-- Did you get a shot as well?
没有 我不喝 不过谢谢你
Um, no, that's okay. I'm good. Thanks, though.
来点吧 这是传统
Come on. It's a tradition.
不管怎么说
You know, I mean, you're the only one
这里也就你有点意思了
that seems to be any fun around here anyway.
-不了 谢谢 -好吧
- Um, no, thank you. - All right.
你还在上班 我明白
On the clock. I get it.
黛博拉
Hey, Deborah, listen.
我在街对面的俱乐部公♥寓♥
I'm at the Club Condo right up the street.
如果我没记错 那里还有一瓶龙舌兰
If memory serves, they got a bottle of tequila back there.
说不定挺贵的 可能是黄金龙舌兰
I think it's even the good stuff, might be a gold of sorts.
我在想
I, uh, um... I was thinking, um...
你和我
You, me, you know.
抱歉 你还需要帮忙吗
Uh, sorry. Do you need anything else from me?
不 不 我没在工作
No, no. I'm-- I'm not working.
我明天不工作 所以你明天也不工作
I'm off tomorrow, which means you're off tomorrow,
-所以我们可以 -别这样
- which means we could really-- - Dude. Come on. Stop.
什么 什么意思
What? What do you mean?
拜托
Come on. You know.
你看到今晚那群混♥蛋♥观众了吗
Did you see that fucking crowd tonight?
难道我们就各自回家吗
What, are we supposed to walk into the night alone?
我看到你腰上文身了
You know, I saw your lower-back tattoo.
-我知道你喜欢什么 小贱♥人♥ -哥们
- I know what you like, dirty girl. Come here. - Dude!
醒醒 好吗
Wake the fuck up, okay?
别搞事 太过分了
God, that kind of shit? That's so over.
-天啊 -好吧 我们有点误会
- Jesus. - Okay, we got some wires crossed.
不 操♥你♥妈♥
No, fuck you! Fuck you!
你知道在俱乐部最糟糕的工作是什么吗
Do you know what the worst fucking job in this whole club is?
就是在休息室工作
It's working the fucking green room,
因为你们觉得我们都想和你们搭讪
because you guys think that we all want to talk to you,
我们并没有
and we don't!
-真的没有 -好吧
- We really don't. - All right, okay.
别烦我了 让我好好干活
So just leave me alone and let me do my fucking job.
-好吗 -我明白了 好吗
- Okay? - I hear ya. All right?
我道歉 别告诉盖文 好吗
I apolo... Look, don't tell Gavin, would ya?
因为我得在这个俱乐部工作
Because, you know, I gotta work this club.
我得靠这糊口
This is how I make a living.
-而且是你先来搭讪的 -滚吧
- Besides, you hit on me in the first place. - Oh, come on.
该死
This fucking...
说脏话太爽了
...get too comfortable swearing.
最近我告诉医生 我他妈不吃奶酪了
Recently told my doctor, I don't really fuck with cheese.
你要走吗
Do you, uh, you wanna go?
-嗯 -你还好吗
- Yeah. - You okay?
操 不好
Fuck... No.
-我 -一个周末而已 杰
- I-I... - It's just one weekend, Jay.
-没关系的 -你知道他们少给我钱了吗
- It doesn't matter. - You know they cut my pay?
他们两晚上都是按串场演出付我钱的
They paid me as the middle act both nights.
很遗憾
I'm sorry.
好吧
Okay.
这种演出原来很有趣的 皮特
This shit used to be fun, Pete.
以前很危险
It used to be... It used to be dangerous.
如果有人抱怨 你觉得比尔·希克斯会怎么做
What do you think Bill Hicks would do if some broad complains?
他会在意吗 他会把烟头弹到她奶头上
He'd give a fuck? He'd flick a cigarette at her tits.
-其实 -不会 如果我是
- Well... - No! It's like, if I were a fucking--
如果我是混血女同 说了同样的段子
If I were a biracial lesbian doing the same material,
那群人就会举着我到处走
that crowd would have carried me around.
他们会为我举办游♥行♥
They would've had a parade for me.
现在当白人直男太难过了 皮特
It's a shitty time to be a straight white guy, Pete.
天哪
Oh, my fucking God.
快看谁来了 萨曼莎·比啊
Oh, look who it is. Samantha Bee, everybody.
-不是吧 -是的
- I mean, really, dude? - Really.
不是吧 伙计 现在白人男的不好过
Come on, man. It's a hard time to be a white guy?
有点担当 好吗
Have a little accountability, okay?
你不是受害者
You're not the victim.
就因为你在那
And just because you're up there
穿着皮夹克走来走去
pacing around and wearing a leather jacket,
并不意味着你说的就是对的
doesn't mean you're telling it like it is.
管你怎么想呢 我喜欢皮衣 好吗
Who gives a fuck what you think? I like leather, okay?
-杰 -我再告诉你
- Jay... - And I'll tell you something else.
你毁了我的表演
You burnt my fucking premises.
你不能这样对待其他喜剧演员
You don't do that to another comic.
好吧 喜剧演员是搞笑的
Okay, well, a comic does comedy.
你所做的 让我想想 是仇恨言论
What you did was-- hmm, let me think... hate speech?
我告诉你
Let me tell you something.
等我们从这些政♥治♥正确的胡扯中醒来后
When we wake up from all this PC bullshit,
到时候看看你是啥样
we'll see what it looks like for you then,
喝雀巢洋甘菊的傻♥逼♥
you fucking Nescafe, chamomile-sipping cunt.
你知道吗 杰森 你才是傻♥逼♥
You know what, Jason? You're a cunt.
很抱歉你演了15年喜剧了
I am sorry that you've been doing comedy for 15 fucking years
但你了不起的也只是管理波士顿俱乐部
and all you have to show for it is managing The Boston.
22年
Twenty-two years!
22年了
Twenty-two!
好吧
Okay, um...
我叫的优步到了
I think my Uber's here,
我要
so I'm gonna...
再见 皮特
See ya, Pete.
其实
Ah, look, you know...
一切都会好起来的
It's gonna be fine.
生活嘛 对吧
Name of the game, right? I mean...
来俱乐部表演也并不总是顺心
You come out to a club, it doesn't always go your way.
哪怕犯点错
You take a little slap on the wrist.
花几个月来打理
You clean it up for a couple of months.
就可以继续干了
You're right back in the game.
你来开车 串场的开
All right, you're driving. Middle. Middle drives, baby.
拿上包
Grab your bag.
非常感谢你们 你们好吗
Thank you guys so much. How are you guys doing?
上帝真好
God is good!
-始终如一 -始终如一