崩溃人生（2017）

-天啊 皮特 -亲爱的
- Oh my God! Peter! - Sweetest.
搞什么 这是谁
What?! Who is this?
抱歉 我该拿大点的毛巾的
I'm sorry, I should have grabbed a bigger towel.
《浮生若寄》
前情提要
我老婆今天和别人睡了
My wife slept with somebody else today.
去写点段子吧
Oh boy, go write some jokes.
波士顿喜剧俱乐部
皮特
今晚有场超棒的现场喜剧秀
Great live comedy tonight.
我刚经历离婚
I'm going through a divorce,
有点漂泊不定
I'm kind of floating around.
-你无家可归 -不
- Oh, you're homeless. - No--
-那你有家吗 -没有
- Do you have a home? - No...
别把脸靠近这个枕头
Don't put your face in this pillow,
这枕头不干净
bad shit happened to this pillow.
我人生的大部分时间 都特别害怕上帝
So much of my life, I was afraid of God.
-也许我错过了 -真的吗 你
- Maybe I missed out. - Really? You?
我很想喝一杯
I could use a drink, yeah!
你把我带回家呗
I think you should take me home.
你是我人生中第二个
You're the second person in my entire life
-和我上♥床♥的人 -天呐
- I've ever made love to. - Oh my God.
我觉得自己有罪
I feel like I sinned.
我听着感觉是你的思维扩展了
Ooh, sounds to me like you are expanding your mind.
这就是纽约的意义所在
The whole point of New York
你可以穿梭于不同的场子
is you can like bounce around to different spots.
-他还挺搞笑的吧 -再努力个三年吧
- He's funny, right? - He'll be funny in three years.
我正在努力进入大学市场
I'm trying to get into the college market.
我给校园活动协会寄了录像带
I just submitted a tape to NACA.
它改变了我的一生 我签了八十所大学
NACA changed my life. I book 80 colleges,
我再没有正式工作
I haven't had a real job since.
校园活动协会
NACA!
你目前有六个预约 我在争取更多
You've got six so far, and I'm working on more.
你是我新的表演小马驹
You're my new show pony.
吐槽 吐槽 吐槽
Roast! Roast! Roast!
插播新闻 皮特 耶稣不会回来了
News flash, Pete. Jesus isn't coming back,
你老婆也是
and neither is your wife.
我不知道我该怎么办
I don't know how I walk away from that
怎么忘记你刚才说的话
and just forget it.
受不了怼还算啥喜剧演员
What kind of comedian can't take a joke?
-我不想跟你约会 -好
- I don't want to date. - Nice.
我东西都收拾好了 我不能回去找阿迪
I packed up my stuff, I can't go back to Artie.
我不能回去找我室友
I can't go back to my roommate.
你知道你要干嘛吗 你得回到你自己的生活去
You know what you need to do. You gotta go back to your life.
说真的 你得离开这了
Seriously, dude. You gotta get outta here.
-是时候了 -好
- It's time. - Yeah.
浮生若寄
第三季 第一集
我是阿尔·帕西诺 我要告诉你们
I'm Al Pacino here to tell you
请走500出口
to take exit 5-0-0.
5-0.
我不是很受女士欢迎
I, uh, I'm not a big ladies man.
就算在梦中我也没有机会做♥爱♥ 真的
I don't even have sex in my dreams-- that's true.
即使做梦我都搞不定一个女的
I can't seal the deal in my dreams.
我在真实生活中撩妹的时候 她们一副
I hit on women in real life, they're like,
"做梦去吧" 我心想"不可能"
"In your dreams," I'm like, "No."
"做梦都没门"
"Not even there."
你有没有独自一人在宿舍看电影的经历
You ever just been in your dorm room, watching a movie alone?
很有意思 你会有点沉浸在电影中
It gets really funny, and you're kind of locked in the movie
忘记了自己是一个人的事实
and you forget that you're by yourself
你第一次笑出来
and you have that first little laugh--
你就是这样的
just you, just like...
你扭头就好像身旁真有个朋友似的
And then you turn to the friend that should be there.
接下来你会觉得
And you're just...
"我好孤单"
"I'm so alone."
-我是泰丽老师 -你好
- Miss Tyree. - Oh, hi.
我是管理人员之一
I'm one of the administrators.
-很高兴见到你 -你很幽默 真的很幽默
- So nice to meet you. - You were funny, really funny.
谢谢
Well, thank you.
你现在有什么事
What do you do now?
我的奶昔把所有姑娘都引到院子里来了
My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard.
她们一副 "我比你的奶昔还可口"
And they're like, "Hey! It's better than yours".
她们真是卯足了劲
They're like, "Whoo-ah!".
你介绍我时 能不能确保
When you bring me up, would you just make sure
你的话以"皮特·福尔摩斯"结尾
"Pete Holmes" is the last thing you say?
比如"什么 什么 什么
Just like, "Yadda, yadda, yadda,
各个社团和学院 皮特·福尔摩斯"
clubs and colleges... Pete Holmes."
然后我再出场 这很重要
Then I'll come out. That's important.
好吧 但不是我来介绍你
Okay, but I'm not introducing you.
什么 什么意思
What? What do you mean?
上个月 我们举♥行♥了一个学生喜剧比赛
Last month, we had a student comedy competition
比赛第一名给你暖场
and first prize was opening for you.
有人给我暖场
I have an opener?
你好啊
What's up, man?
-你好啊 -我是皮特
- Hey, what's up? - Hey. Pete.
我是杰布克 我看了你的油管视频
Yeah. Jaboukie. I saw your YouTube stuff.
-是吗 -是啊 你真是太搞笑了
- You did? - Yeah, you're super funny.
我很开心我们能合作
Oh, I'm so glad we're doing this.
我也超激动能在这里演出
Yeah, I'm super excited that this was able to, like, work out.
我不知道这是不是由你决定
I don't know if you had a say in anything.
不 我也是才知道
No, this was a surprise.
不过挺好的
But this is a good surprise.
我做这个已经很久了
I've been on the road for weeks and weeks.
我觉得
I'm like just-- I mean,
和另一个喜剧演员一起演出很棒 我很高兴
it's great to do a show with another comic. I'm happy...
我不是个职业喜剧演员
I'm not, like, a professional comedian or anything.
我还是个新人
I'm still kind of new.
-你多大了 -20岁
- How old are you? - I'm 20.
天呐 真厉害
Jeez, man... that's awesome.
我33了
I'm 33.
酷
Cool.
我觉得应该让更多异性恋使用基达
I feel like more straight people should use Grindr.
如果你不知道这是什么 这是个同性恋交友应用
If you don't know what that is, that's a gay dating app.
因为同性恋
just because, like, gay people get a lot of,
在基达上撩骚的聊天内容都是这种
like, consent talk out of the way, up top, on Grindr, like,
"你有什么癖好"
"What are you into?"
"你上次做艾滋病检查是什么时候"
"When was the last time you were gonna get tested?"
"你是1还是0 诸如此类"
"Are you the top or the bottom? Blah, blah, blah."
都是这样撩骚的
We, like, establish a lot up top.
但异性恋在交友应用上会这样
But for straight people on dating apps, it's just sort of like,
"我喜欢披萨和搞笑图片"
"Mmm, I like pizza and memes."
或者是"这是我抓着一条鱼的照片"
Or like, "Here's a picture of me holding a fish", like...
我准备了很长时间才向家人出柜
It took me a while to come out to my family,
因为我父母是牙买♥♥加人
just because my parents are Jamaican
而恐同是我们第二擅长的奥♥运♥会项目
and homophobia is our second-best Olympic sport, so...
牙买♥♥加人常常夺得奥♥运♥会短跑冠军
所以确实花了一些时间...
that definitely took a minute, um...
但我觉得父母一直都清楚这种事
But I feel like parents always kind of know that stuff, though.
我也能看出来 因为我爸会给我兄弟建议
And I could tell, because my dad would give my brothers advice,
他会和我兄弟们说
and my dad would tell my brothers,
"找一个你觉得自己
"Find a gal that makes you feel
配不上她的女孩"
like you don't deserve her",
这话很美
which is beautiful.
但他只会告诉我 "别嗑药"
He would just tell me, "Don't do cocaine."
而我嗑了 所以
And I have, so, like,
你想怎样啊 老爸
what's up, Daddio? You know?
还有我和我兄弟们
But also, like, me and my brothers were just, like,
从小到大都很不一样
so different from each other growing up, like,
我的两个兄弟都比我高
both my brothers are, like, taller than me,
身材比我好
they're fitter than me,
他们充满自信
they carry themselves with confidence, you know?
而我又孱弱又瘦小
But I'm like small, pale,
我就像个近亲繁殖生出的欧洲王子
I carry myself like an inbred European prince.
但我知道我不丑
But I know I'm not ugly.