剧集 | 崩溃人生（2017） | 导航列表
-天啊 皮特 -亲爱的
- Oh my God! Peter! - Sweetest.
What?! Who is this?
I'm sorry, I should have grabbed a bigger towel.
My wife slept with somebody else today.
Oh boy, go write some jokes.
Great live comedy tonight.
I'm going through a divorce,
I'm kind of floating around.
- Oh, you're homeless. - No--
- Do you have a home? - No...
Don't put your face in this pillow,
bad shit happened to this pillow.
So much of my life, I was afraid of God.
-也许我错过了 -真的吗 你
- Maybe I missed out. - Really? You?
I could use a drink, yeah!
I think you should take me home.
You're the second person in my entire life
- I've ever made love to. - Oh my God.
I feel like I sinned.
Ooh, sounds to me like you are expanding your mind.
The whole point of New York
is you can like bounce around to different spots.
- He's funny, right? - He'll be funny in three years.
I'm trying to get into the college market.
I just submitted a tape to NACA.
NACA changed my life. I book 80 colleges,
I haven't had a real job since.
You've got six so far, and I'm working on more.
You're my new show pony.
吐槽 吐槽 吐槽
Roast! Roast! Roast!
插播新闻 皮特 耶稣不会回来了
News flash, Pete. Jesus isn't coming back,
and neither is your wife.
I don't know how I walk away from that
and just forget it.
What kind of comedian can't take a joke?
- I don't want to date. - Nice.
I packed up my stuff, I can't go back to Artie.
I can't go back to my roommate.
You know what you need to do. You gotta go back to your life.
Seriously, dude. You gotta get outta here.
- It's time. - Yeah.
I'm Al Pacino here to tell you
to take exit 5-0-0.
I, uh, I'm not a big ladies man.
I don't even have sex in my dreams-- that's true.
I can't seal the deal in my dreams.
I hit on women in real life, they're like,
"In your dreams," I'm like, "No."
"Not even there."
You ever just been in your dorm room, watching a movie alone?
It gets really funny, and you're kind of locked in the movie
and you forget that you're by yourself
and you have that first little laugh--
just you, just like...
And then you turn to the friend that should be there.
And you're just...
"I'm so alone."
- Miss Tyree. - Oh, hi.
I'm one of the administrators.
-很高兴见到你 -你很幽默 真的很幽默
- So nice to meet you. - You were funny, really funny.
Well, thank you.
What do you do now?
My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard.
And they're like, "Hey! It's better than yours".
They're like, "Whoo-ah!".
When you bring me up, would you just make sure
"Pete Holmes" is the last thing you say?
比如"什么 什么 什么
Just like, "Yadda, yadda, yadda,
clubs and colleges... Pete Holmes."
Then I'll come out. That's important.
Okay, but I'm not introducing you.
What? What do you mean?
Last month, we had a student comedy competition
and first prize was opening for you.
I have an opener?
What's up, man?
- Hey, what's up? - Hey. Pete.
Yeah. Jaboukie. I saw your YouTube stuff.
-是吗 -是啊 你真是太搞笑了
- You did? - Yeah, you're super funny.
Oh, I'm so glad we're doing this.
Yeah, I'm super excited that this was able to, like, work out.
I don't know if you had a say in anything.
No, this was a surprise.
But this is a good surprise.
I've been on the road for weeks and weeks.
I'm like just-- I mean,
it's great to do a show with another comic. I'm happy...
I'm not, like, a professional comedian or anything.
I'm still kind of new.
- How old are you? - I'm 20.
Jeez, man... that's awesome.
I feel like more straight people should use Grindr.
If you don't know what that is, that's a gay dating app.
just because, like, gay people get a lot of,
like, consent talk out of the way, up top, on Grindr, like,
"What are you into?"
"When was the last time you were gonna get tested?"
"Are you the top or the bottom? Blah, blah, blah."
We, like, establish a lot up top.
But for straight people on dating apps, it's just sort of like,
"Mmm, I like pizza and memes."
Or like, "Here's a picture of me holding a fish", like...
It took me a while to come out to my family,
just because my parents are Jamaican
and homophobia is our second-best Olympic sport, so...
that definitely took a minute, um...
But I feel like parents always kind of know that stuff, though.
And I could tell, because my dad would give my brothers advice,
and my dad would tell my brothers,
"Find a gal that makes you feel
like you don't deserve her",
which is beautiful.
He would just tell me, "Don't do cocaine."
And I have, so, like,
what's up, Daddio? You know?
But also, like, me and my brothers were just, like,
so different from each other growing up, like,
both my brothers are, like, taller than me,
they're fitter than me,
they carry themselves with confidence, you know?
But I'm like small, pale,
I carry myself like an inbred European prince.
But I know I'm not ugly.
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