崩溃人生（2017）

-天啊 皮特 -亲爱的
- Oh, my god, Peter! - Sweetest.
怎么回事
What?
这是谁
Who is this?
抱歉 我该拿大点的毛巾的
I'm sorry, I should have grabbed a bigger towel.
《浮生若寄》前情回顾
我老婆今天和别人睡了
My wife slept with somebody else, today.
-天啊 -是吧
- Oh, boy. - Yeah, oh, boy.
去写点段子吧
Go write some jokes.
我看了你演出 能排到我看过的倒数前五了
I saw your set. I mean, top five worst I've ever seen.
你听见我刚才说的话了吧
You heard what I said, right?
-等等 那是真事 -嗯
- Wait, that was real? - Yes!
天啊 哥们
Oh, dude.
-你很难过 -我当然难过
- You're upset. - Yes, I'm upset.
你抢走了我老婆
You-- you stole my wife.
我来还你自♥由♥ 让你不再受束缚
I'm setting you free, I'm shaking your cage.
这里已经不是你的地方了
You don't belong here anymore.
你知道自己想干什么 那就去干啊
You know what you're supposed to do, so do it.
今晚有场超棒的现场喜剧秀
Free live comedy tonight.
我们今晚要表演了
Look at us, we're gonna do a set tonight.
追逐我们的梦想 我们一直在努力
Following the dream, we're grinding it out.
真高兴能与你们同路
I'm happy to be with you guys.
你♥他♥妈♥在发什么颠
What the fuck's wrong with you?
我刚经历离婚
I'm going through a divorce,
有点漂泊不定
I'm kind of floating around.
你无家可归
Oh, you're homeless.
-不 -那你有家吗
- No. - Do you have a home?
-没有 -不行了 太悲催了
- No. - I can't, it's so sad.
别把脸靠近这个枕头
Don't put your face in this pillow,
这枕头不干净
bad shit happens to this pillow.
所以我们才把你送去教会夏令营和教会学院
This is why we sent you to Christian camp,
就是为了不让这种事发生在你身上
so these things wouldn't happen to you.
我该做的所有事情都做了
I did everything I was supposed to.
我不喝酒 不吸烟 不做♥爱♥
I didn't drink, I didn't smoke. I didn't have sex.
请别摸我的蛋了
Please stop touching my balls.
-好 -抱歉
- Okay. - I'm sorry.
这是喜剧 这就是我想做的
This is comedy, this is what I want to do.
亲爱的 你要怎么谋生
Honey, how will you survive?
我没有工作 没有钱 没有住的地方
I have no job, I have no money, I have nowhere to stay.
我得和你在一起
I need to be with you.
我很爱你 杰茜
I love you so much, Jess.
闭嘴 我选择耶稣
Shut up! I chose Jesus!
哈利路亚
Hallelujah!
我很激动我们成朋友了 伙计
I'm really excited about our friendship, man.
我们不是朋友
We're not friends.
只是同时破产了
We're broke, together.
友谊就是这么开始的
That's how it starts.
友谊万岁 皮特
你和杰西卡·福尔摩斯友谊已9年
咪♥咪♥
大咪♥咪♥
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皮特 你起来了
Peter! You have risen.
天啊 这是我的地盘
God! Man, this is my area!
你就这么把我卧室的墙掀起来了
Y-- Y-- Y-- You just opened a wall of my bedroom.
你穿着裤子 我也能看到屌♥
Even when you're wearing pants I can see your dick.
你要干吗
What do you want?
我要干吗不重要
It's not about what I want,
而是我需要干吗
it's about what I need,
我需要跟你谈谈 老兄
which is a conversation with you, man.
如果我连个谈心的人都找不到
What is the point of us having this communal existence
那我们在一起生活的重点是什么 皮特
if I have no one to commune with, Pete?
你每天都在哪儿 忙工作还是什么的
Where are you all the time? You're working or something,
整晚都不在 白天就睡觉休息什么的
out all night. You're sleeping, resting, or something all day.
不好意思 我是晚上工作 很晚出门
I'm sorry, I work-- I work, yes, at night, and then I'm out late.
但我不是轰趴聚会 我在实现梦想
It's not like I'm partying. I'm doing-- I'm following my dream.
然后我没有时间回家
And then I don't have time to come home
当你最好的朋友
and also be your best friend.
咱俩不能跟老夫老妻一样吵嘴 老兄
We can't have an old couple's argument, man.
你得做好份内的事
You have to pull your weight.
你搞了我老婆
You fucked my wife.
对 我是搞了你老婆 但这也付不了账单
Yes, I fucked your wife, but that doesn't help pay the bills.
我倒是希望能 但我们得工作
Believe me, I wish it did, but we gotta work.
想要加点什么
Uh, what do you wanna mix in?
加点小熊软糖
Oh, uh, let's, uh-- let's put some gummy bears in there.
巧克力加小熊软糖 好的
Chocolate and gummy bears, okay.
你真厉害
You're-- You're really good at this.
谢谢 小费拿着
Thanks. Here you go.
不用了 谢谢
Oh, please. No, thank you.
你给小费就是我们大家的事 我们得唱个歌♥
If you tip, it's a whole thing. We have to do, like, a song...
那我放这儿了
Well, I'll-- I'll leave it there.
伙计们 我们收到了一笔小费
Oh, guys, we got a tip!
来吧
Come on...
*我们先剥香蕉 剥 剥香蕉*
*First we peel bananas, peel, peel bananas*
*然后我们切香蕉 切 切香蕉*
*Then we slice bananas, slice, slice bananas*
*然后我们就发疯了 发 发疯了*
*Then we go bananas, go, go bana...*
浮生若寄
第二季 第一集
波士顿喜剧俱乐部
凭传♥单♥可以买♥♥♥一♥送♥一♥ 超棒的现场喜剧秀
Two for one with a flier, great live comedy.
今晚有超棒的现场喜剧秀 凭传♥单♥买♥♥♥一♥送♥一♥
Great live comedy tonight. Two for one with a flier.
超棒的现场喜剧秀
Got a great live comedy show.
你是这里的经理吗
Uh, hi, are you the manager here?
不是 超棒的现场喜剧秀 我们有
No. Hi, great live comedy, we got a great--
你要找的是杰森
You're looking for Jason.
他一时半会不在店里
He-- He won't be here, for, uh, a little bit.
好吧
Oh, okay, um...
想看超棒的现场喜剧秀吗
Great live comedy?
你是要投诉还是有什么其他事情吗
Do you have a complaint or something?
不 我叫爱丽 我是位喜剧演员
No. I'm Ali. I'm a comedian,
我就是想看看能不能
and I was just gonna see if there's a chance
在这来场短秀 我在录自己的节目视频
I could do a short set? I'm trying to make this tape.
我叫皮特 我其实也是位喜剧演员
My name is Pete, I'm-- I'm actually a comedian.
-酷 -我也会上台表演
- Oh, cool. Hi. - I'm on the show, too.
倒并不是说你会上台表演
I mean, not that you're on the show.
你想上台表演
You wanna be on the show.
我很乐意 能上台的话就太棒了
I would love to. That would be amazing.
我只是在杰森迟到的时候在门口发传♥单♥
I just work the door when Jason's running late.
我并不是真的在运营这个俱乐部
I-- I don't really-- run the club,
我这么做只是为了演出
I just do it for stage time.
酷 你并不需要去街角拉客
Cool. And you don't have to, like, bark on a corner?
是的 没错 这算是
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, this is--
驻扎大本营
Home base.
超棒的喜剧秀 伙计们 超棒的现场喜剧秀
Great live comedy, guys, great live comedy.
这里没什么人表演 但是
Uh, well, you know, it's kinda... slow, but--
-对 所以... -如果没人 你就能
- Yeah, that's why-- - if it's slow, you could just...
把我插♥进♥去 那就太棒了
squeeze me in? That would be so awesome, so...
-让我看看 我看看能不能安排一下 -好的
- Let-- let's see, I-- I'll see what I can do. - Okay.
好了 女士们先生们
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
有请下一位喜剧演员
bringing up the, uh, next comic for you guys,
一位非常有趣的女士 希望你们喜欢她的表演
a very funny lady. I hope you guys enjoy her.
伙计们 掌声响起来 有请爱丽·瑞森
Guys, put your hands together for Ali Reissen, yeah!
非常感谢
Thank you so much.
我有些非常激动人心的消息
Um, I have some really exciting news.
我男友和我
My boyfriend and I,
我们彼此的关系刚进入了下一个阶段
we just took our relationship to the next level.
我们分手了 没错
We broke up. Yep.
你在做什么
Hey, what are you doing?
她在为电视节目录制视频好像
She's makin' a tape... for TV, I think.
哥们 我们可是拉了五个小时客
Man, we barked for five hours
而你就让她这么上台了吗
and you just throw her onstage?
她甚至都没通过这里的考核
She's not even passed here.
这家伙 他疯狂撸铁 不断增肌
This guy, he worked out so much and he bulked up so much
到了连脖子都快没了的程度
to the point where he just, like, lost his neck,
然后他就咕哝着跟我交流
and he, like, grunted to communicate with me?