崩溃人生（2017）

-是啊 应该是... -那该有多棒啊
- Oh, well, yeah. Guess that's-- - How amazing is that?
-很不可思议 -是吧
- That's crazy. - Yeah.
你们好高啊
Um, you guys are tall!
-我得仰着脖子看你们 -对啊
- I'm like craning my neck to look at you. - Yeah.
你们都很高 都是金发
You're both very tall and blonde,
我体内那一半犹太血统已经开始害怕了
and the half-Jewish part of me is scared.
别伤害我
Don't hurt me.
-我们很开明的 -是啊
- We're very open-minded. - Yeah.
好了 我们不想打扰你
Yeah, well, we don't want to bother you.
什么
What? Oh, hi, hi.
-我给你带了杯酒 -谢谢你
- I got you a drink. - Oh, thank you. Thanks!
-皮特 -泰德
- Pete. - Ted.
-这是泰德 -等等 你也很高
- It's Ted. - Wait, you're so tall.
你吐槽我们高
You were giving us shit about being tall,
-但他也很高 -确实
- but he's so tall. - He is.
-这算什么 -她在三个高的人中间
- What the fuck? - She's, uh, three talls.
天啊 我被包围了
Oh, my God. I'm surrounded.
真有爱
That's so cute.
我想在埃斯蒂走之前和她打个招呼
I want to say hi to Estee in case she leaves.
-好的 -我马上回来
- Okay, cool. - So I'll be right back.
-行 -我过去了
- Cool. - I'm just gonna get this out of the way.
-好的 -我们聊聊
- Yeah, yeah. - We'll just hang out.
-行 -多交流
- Okay, fine. - Compare notes.
90%的人都演得很棒
Ninety percent of people that kill really hard,
-一定有什么猫腻 -有意思
- there's something hacky going on. - Interesting.
如果你一小时都搞笑 就耍诈了吗
If you're killing for an hour, you're hacking?
-如果你... -不
- If you're getting... - No.
每一个观众席上的白♥痴♥
...every moron in the crowd
坐在座位上大笑一小时
cackling, falling over their set for an hour,
这其中一定有什么猫腻
I guarantee there's a lot of hack stuff going on in there.
-我不同意 -埃斯蒂 去你的
- I disagree. - Estee, damn it!
你只需要有魔鬼相助
Then all you need just to play the devil's advocate.
打扰了 埃斯蒂 我是皮特
Sorry. Hi, Estee. I'm Pete.
我知道你是谁
Hi. I know who you are.
我只是想过来和大家打个招呼 韦恩
I just wanted to say hi to everybody. Wayne.
-你好 老兄 -你好
- Good to see you, brother. - Good to see you.
戴着傻帽子的假鸡鸡兄弟
Dildo dude with the dumb hat.
-戴着傻帽子的假鸡鸡兄弟 -没错
- Dildo dude with the dumb hat. - Yes!
-这是我的私人域名 公♥司♥的被抢了 -拿下
- That's my website dot net. Dot com was taken. - Take that off.
这位是科林·奎恩
This is Colin Quinn, by the way.
很高兴认识你
Really nice to meet you.
你们可能有注意到 我们都在那
Some of us, I don't know if you noticed, we're getting together
准备为我朋友爱丽开场庆功会
to have a screening party for my friend Ali.
她今晚在赛斯·梅耶斯秀上有表演
She's doing Seth Meyers tonight.
-你知道爱丽吗 她超棒 -不知道
- Do you know Ali? She's wonderful. - No.
她又美又有趣 还很有个人魅力
She's beautiful, she's funny, she's charismatic.
-她到处演出 -她很棒
- She's going places. - She's great, she's great.
我在吧台
Well, I'll be at the bar.
这家伙有点怂啊
That guy's got little dick energy.
我懂那种煎熬
I know the struggle.
我爸刚来美国时
Because when my dad first came to America,
他以为不被遣送出境的办法
he used to think the solution from getting deported,
就是假装自己不是海地人
just pretend you're not Haitian.
他就是用这种办法应付移♥民♥局的人
That was his solution if immigration ever come up to you.
"你是海地人吗"
"You Haitian?"
"你疯了吧 我才不是海地人"
"No, you crazy. I'm not Haitian."
"我这一生的五年来都待在美国
"I've been in America five years all my life.
你为什么那么说 谁告诉你的"
Why you-- Why you say that? Who-- Who tell you that?"
我非常为你今晚的表现骄傲
I'm really proud of you for tonight.
谢了 老爸
Thanks, Dad.
我认真的
I mean it.
没人比你更努力了 很高兴看到你得到回报
Nobody works as hard as you. It's nice to see it pay off.
非常鼓舞人心 我很开心能见证
It's inspiring. I'm happy to see that,
好人有好报
you know, the good guys win.
你能帮我个忙吗
Can you do me a favor?
如果演出很烂 你能直接告诉我吗
If the set sucks, will you just tell me, please?
因为无论如何
Because, well, Ted's just gonna tell me it's great
泰德只会跟我说好话 因为他爱我
no matter what because he loves me.
但不会演砸的 一定会...
Yeah, it's not gonna suck. It's gonna be--
我说真的 我哪怕上台吐了还行屈膝礼
I mean it. I could go up on stage and vomit and do a curtsey,
泰德都会说 "完美的结尾 宝贝"
and Ted would be like, "Awesome closer, babe!"
除了他不用结尾这个用法
Except, he doesn't call it the closer.
他称之为尾声
He calls it the finale.
-像看烟花表演一样吗 -没错
- Like a fireworks display? - Yeah.
我要用这个梗了
I'm gonna start using that.
我失陪一下
Can you-- Will you excuse me for just one second?
-好的 -行星撞地球了
- Oh. Yeah. - Sort of worlds colliding.
好吧
Okay.
我去买♥♥裙子
I went shopping for a dress,
他和我一起进了试衣间
and so he like came into the dressing room with me.
那可是两只裸体大鸟
Whoa, it's like two naked Big Birds.
-没错 -什么
- That's exactly what it looks like! - What?
-你们好啊 -聊得怎么样
- Hello! - What's going on?
我刚在和他们说我们是如何相遇的
I'm just telling them about how we met.
-没说所有细节吧 -还没有
- Not all the details? - Not yet!
-没说完 但有些重点已经说了 -没错
- Not all of them, but some important ones were told. - Yes.
正要进入高♥潮♥呢
And it was just getting good.
说到这个 你爽吗
In fact, um, was it good for you?
我很想知道
I just want to know.
今晚不是聊这个的
Um, tonight, not about that.
是属于爱丽的夜晚...
It's about Ali, so...
皮特 别不好意思 你很性感
Pete, don't be embarrassed. You're sexy.
-你很性感 皮特 -你很性感
- You... You are sexy, Pete. - You are sexy.
大方地承认吧 承认你的性感
Like, own it, man. Own that sexiness.
-没错 你得经历这种转变 -没错
- Yeah, you got that swerve. - Yeah, man.
这是很好
This is great.
也没那么好 皮特
Not that good, Pete.
但说真的
Seriously though? Seriously,
我本来想去拿杯酒 而看起来
I was gonna get a drink, and it looks like
你想喝气泡水
maybe you'd like a sparkling water?
-你想要... -不 再帮我拿杯酒吧
- Do you want a-- - No, can you get me another one?
你跟我一起去吧
Why don't you come with me?
-不行 -她不去
- No! - She's staying.
-可是我想跟他们一起 -我想跟你一起
- But I want to hang out with them. - I wanna have fun with you.
走吧 咱们去喝一杯
Let's-- Come on, we'll get a drink together.
皮特 让我待在这 行吗
Petey, just let me-- I'm gonna stay here, okay?
-她留在这 -就是 你有的是机会
- She's staying. - Yeah, you always get her.
-我 -你慢慢喝 她留在这
- I'm... - Take your time, man. Let her stay here.
是的
Oh, yeah!
-谢谢 我爱你 -谢谢你的酒
- Thank you. I love you. - Thanks for drinks.
我在招聘会上做过爱
I had sex at a job fair.
-谁家的台子 -在洗手间
- At which table? - In the bathroom.
洗手间 工会的人吗
In the bathroom? What, like a union man?
不是工会的
Not a union man.
他是给沃尔玛发传♥单♥的
He was handing out pamphlets for the Walmart.
-给我来一杯 -皮特
- Hi, can I get a shot please? - Peter!
什么
What?
你怎么也在这
What are you doing here?
爱丽邀请我们来的
Ali invited us.
自从上次烧烤之后她和杰茜就像好闺蜜似的
Her and Jess are like super pals since the roast.
-杰茜也在这 -是的
- Jess is here? - Yeah.
天啊 这太奇怪了
God, that's fucking weird, man.
怎么奇怪了
What is weird?
我的前女友 我的现女友
My ex-girlfriend, my current girlfriend,
还有我的前妻都在同一个地方
and now my ex-wife are all in the same place,
很奇怪
that's weird.
别卖♥♥乖了 哥们 这多好
Cut the negativity, man. That's awesome!
你说的可是三个你爱过的女人
You're talking about three women that you've shared love with.
这是很美好的事情 你怎么还唧唧歪歪的
That's a beautiful thing. How are you whining about that?
别往你身上扯 今天的主角是爱丽
Don't make this about you. It's about Ali.