崩溃人生（2017）

她当时就是29岁
She was... She was 29.
起码她等到最后才出轨
Well, at least she waited till the end.
我靠 这太神奇了
Dude. Fuck! What? That's nuts!
-是吧 -太扯了
- Yeah! - That's crazy!
如今我的公♥司♥就会给你更高的人寿保险报价
So now my company would give you a higher life insurance quote,
因为离婚的男人活不长
because divorced men live shorter lives
你对我们就是更高的风险
and so you're higher risk for us.
太好了 我最近一直感觉变迟钝了
Oh, great. I have been feeling sluggish.
别担心 你这年纪的男人会再婚
Don't worry. A guy your age-- you just remarry,
然后你的寿命就会恢复平均水平了
and then you'll be right back at average.
就这件了
We have a winner.
你可以来帮我吗
Will you come help me?
好
Yeah.
进里面吗
In there?
请转身哦
Okay, turn around please.
套个头就好
It's, like, a quick little top.
-我们在干什么 -我在试裙子
- What are we doing? - Well, I am trying on a dress,
三秒钟之后
and in three seconds,
你过来帮我拉拉链
you're gonna come over and help me zip it.
-准备好了吗 -好了
- Ready? - Yeah.
你觉得怎么样
What do you think?
特别好看
Yeah, that looks amazing.
是吗
Yeah?
挺好看的 但我觉得还有更好的
It's cute, but I think we can do better.
不是要真的那么做 但是我能把你驮起来
Not like I could, but I could give you a piggy-back ride.
打折
-好奇怪 -怎么了
- That's weird. - What?
我昨天晚上梦见了鲸鱼
I had a dream about a whale last night.
-没开玩笑吧 -没有
- You're kidding. - No.
你梦见了鲸鱼 现在这里就有一条
You dreamt about a whale and now there's a whale right here?
梦见的不是蓝绿色的 没写"打折" 但
I mean, it wasn't turquoise. Didn't say, "Sale," But--
这是缘分天注定
That's serendipitous!
意味着这里就是你该来的地方
That means you're right where you're supposed to be.
你相信这个吗
Do you believe that?
走吧
Let's go.
-进鲸鱼店逛逛 -当然了
- Going in the whale store? - Hell yeah.
可以进吗
Can I?
-锁上吗 -是我就锁
- Should I lock it? - I would.
我没带避孕套
I don't have a condom.
我不介意 你呢
Okay, I'm okay. Are you okay?
-完全不介意 -好的
- Yeah, totally, A-plus. - Okay. Okay.
试得怎么样
How's it going in there?
特别合身 谢谢
Yeah, it fits good. Thank you.
这有帽子
We got some hats.
我们这是干嘛
What are we doing?
别说话
Don't use words.
-我在想词 我在想词 -别说话
- I'm thinking words, I'm thinking words. - Shh! Don't use words.
我正在想词 我要定义一下
I'm thinking words right now, I'm defining it.
不要用一般的词 就用颜色
Don't use words, just, um, use a color.
刚才特别绿
That was very green.
-你觉得是绿色 -是的
- You think it was green? - Yeah.
我觉得是黄色
I think it was yellow.
我很愿意
I would love to...
随时黄色 给你
yellow, anytime. Here.
我随时都和你绿色
I will green you whenever.
好
Great.
-东西真难吃 -真难吃
- The food is awful. - Awful.
-谁死了 -炭疽乐队
- Who died? - Anthrax.
他们用炭疽乐队把熏鲑鱼给震死了
They killed this lox with Anthrax.
-这算是吊唁吧 -那是鸡蛋沙拉吗
- It's like a shiva call. - Is that egg salad?
哥们 皮特 你找到了
Oh hey, man! Pete, you found us.
我不知道还供应吃的 我来的时候吃过了
I didn't know there'd be food. I ate on the way.
犹太活动 不可能没有吃的
Jewish event. There can't not be food.
犹太喜剧一定要先吃一顿 必须的
Jewish comedy has to follow a feeding. Has to.
这位是莫迪 另一位喜剧演员
And that's Modi, he's the other comedian.
-你好 -很高兴认识你
- Hi. - Nice to meet you.
我要戴那个
Should I be wearing the...?
不用 他们给的钱不够让我们戴圆顶小帽
No. No, they're not paying enough for us to wear yarmulkes.
你们好 我叫绍莎娜·金斯伯格
Hello. I'm Shoshanna Ginsburg,
是活动的联合主席
I'm the cochair of the event.
我是去年以及前年的主席
I was the chair last year and the year before that,
我本来今年不想做的 但是他们求我来着
but I wasn't even gonna do it this year, but they begged me.
-你们是 -这位是皮特
- And you are? - That's Pete.
-他也要参加演出 -我叫皮特 你好
- He's gonna also do the show. - I'm Pete. Hello.
埃伦把你的情况都跟我介绍了
Oh, well, he told me all about you, Elon did, and, uh,
我相信你没问题的
I'm sure it's gonna work out.
-还需要什么吗 -支票
- Is there anything I can get you guys? - A check.
他没开玩笑
He's serious.
你们逗死我了
Oh, you guys crack me up.
我就不打扰你们准备喜剧了
Well, I'm gonna leave you alone to your comedy.
-谢谢 -祝好运
- Thank you. - Mazel tov.
还好你走了
For leaving.
这像是在演出前夺走你的生命力
It's like getting the life sucked out of you before a show.
-这太糟了 -太糟了
- It's the worst. - The worst!
-她是联合主席 -她是联合主席
- She was cochair, you know. - She's cochair?
她应该在椅子[主席]上上吊
She should hang herself off a chair.
他们连水果都糟蹋
This is just-- even fruit they ruin.
-怎么可能水果也难吃 -看着都不新鲜了
- How do you screw up fruit? - It doesn't even look fresh.
确实
It's not doing it.
为什么这么紧张 你没表演过喜剧吗
Why so nervous? Haven't you ever done comedy before?
我说不好 我刚把酒窖的试演搞砸了
I-- I don't know, I just blew my Cellar audition,
所以我不知道自己能否再被拒了
so I don't know if I can take another rejection.
会成功的 相信我 莫迪一会先上台
It's gonna be great, trust me. Modi's gonna go up first.
他特别犹太
He's so, like, Jew-y,
你会是一股新鲜的 非犹太的气息
you'll be a breath of fresh, gentile air.
非犹太气息 我用的除臭剂就是那个味
Gentile air-- that's the deodorant I use.
你应该说这个段子 很好
You should use that, that's good.
做你自己就好 不要在台上假装犹太
Be the goy that you are. Don't try to be Jew-y on stage.
好的 抱歉
Right, right. Sorry.
-你要吃这个吗 -我吃水果吧
- You're eating this? - I'm gonna have fruit.
怎么了 你那什么情况
What is this? What's going on over there?
没事
Uh, nothing.
-"没事" -没人说"没事"
- "Nothing." - Nobody says, "Nothing".
只要你说"没事" 那就是有事
Whenever you say, "Nothing", it's always something.
别让我们求你 快告诉我们
Don't make us beg, just tell us.
你那什么情况
What do you got there?
有个姑娘
It was a... It's a girl.
-其实是我今天刚认识的 -不错啊
- Somebody I met today, actually. - Nice, nice!
-很不错 -你真行
- Very nice! - Good for you!
然后呢 怎么样了
And? What happened?
我不想泄露隐私[亲吻] 就只是
I don't want to kiss and tell. It was just, you know...
-你亲过她了 -我们做♥爱♥了
- You already kissed her? - We had sex.
在更衣室里
In a dressing room.
什么
What?
然后在洗手间里又做了一次 在尿布台上
And then again in a bathroom, on a changing table.
-两次 -一天之内 打了两炮
- Two times? - In one day. It's a double shtup.
天呐
Oh, my God.
等等 等等
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
你和今天刚认识的女孩
You had sex with a girl you met today
-在更衣室里做了爱 -是的
- in a dressing room? - Yeah.
我以为你是个信教的人
I thought you were a religious guy.
你的脸 绝对有点圣公会教♥徒♥的味道
I mean, that face is... definitely a little Episcopalian.
我知道这有点太快了 但是我们
I know it seems a little fast, but we...
我们真的很来电
you know, we really connected. It was... It was...
我不想说这是一见钟情 不过
I don't want to say it was love at first sight, but, you know...
-一定是 -可能她就是我的真命天女
- I'm sure it was. - I think this might be my person.
-你想说吗 -你说吧
- You want to take this? - You got it.
我不想聊这个 我受不了
I'm not doing anything with this. I can't handle it.
-你说吧 -皮特
- Go ahead. - All right. Pete...
我很高兴你能有这么刺♥激♥的体验
I'm glad you had this exciting experience,
你以为不会发生在你身上的事