崩溃人生（2017）

And it was just this total throw down.
他问"你要高♥潮♥了吗" 我说"你进来没"
He was like, "Are you close?" I'm like, "Are you in?"
这是在开你玩笑吗 这太糟了
Is that joke about you? That's fucked up.
不 我不这么认为
No. I don't think so.
她有其他男朋友 前任们
She's got other boyfriends, ex-boyfriends.
每次我们做♥爱♥
Every time we hooked up,
他的鸡鸡好像特别惊讶能被派上用场
his penis seemed surprised to be used.
它有种替补的感觉
Like, it had a real benchwarmer quality, you know?
就像是每部足球电影里处于劣势的那人
Like the underdog in every football movie
最后关头突然被叫上场
who finally gets called in to play the big game.
他就像"是我吗 教练"
He's like, "Who me, Coach?"
教练说"就是你 我们落后四十分了
He's like, "Yeah, you. We're down 40 points.
赶快上场给我挣点光"
Now get in here and make me proud!"
今天就到这 我是爱丽·瑞森 谢谢大家
That's it for me. I'm Ali Reissen. Thank you so much!
爱丽·瑞森 我们稍后再见
Ali Reissen, everybody! We'll be right back!
我的天 太棒了
Oh my God, it was so good!
-棒极了 -真的吗
- It was incredible. - Really?
我的天 那个尾声
Oh my God, the finale--
整个太棒了
I mean, the whole sketch was-- it killed.
打扰一下 史蒂夫·温伍德
Excuse me, Steve Winwood.
太精彩了
That was amazing!
-我的天 -太有趣了 太有趣
- Oh, my God. - So, so funny. So funny.
-真的吗 -特别棒
- Really? - So great. Great!
那对我来说意义非凡 谢谢你
That means so much. Thank you.
-我们正说 我们惊呆了 -我们很喜欢
- We're talking-- We're blown away. - We loved it.
我也会这么说 但从他口中说出更好
I would say the same thing, but it's better coming from him.
他是个大明星 更有价值的称赞
He's a bigger star. It's better credits.
跟这些有什么关系 不过是个称赞
Why does it have to be about that? Just a compliment--
-就不能纯粹称赞她吗 -她喜欢我的赞美
- Can't we just compliment her? - I'm done and she liked it.
-谢谢 -爱丽
- Thank you. - Ali...
你
You!
-表演很棒 -是真的吗
- It was so good. Yes. - Was it really, though?
-说实话 不许撒谎 -我没有
- Tell me. Don't-- don't you lie to me. - No, I'm not.
-别当我面撒谎 -我没撒谎
- Don't you lie to my fucking face. - I'm not lying!
我承诺会实话实说的 演出很棒
I told you I'd tell you. It was incredible.
-真的吗 -我不敢相信这是你的首秀
- Really? - I can't believe that was your first time.
-你真的得心应手 -我相信你
- You're a natural. - I believe you.
-你很棒 -谢谢你
- You were so great. - Oh, thank you.
皮特 能跟你聊一下吗
Pete, can I talk to you for a second?
我记了一处笔记呢
I have one note.
谢谢你
Thank you...
我知道发生了什么
I know everything that's going on.
什么
What?
我都看见了
I see everything.
太棒了
It was amazing.
我的天 终于结束了
Oh my God. I'm so glad it's over!
那个鸡鸡的笑话是说皮特的吗
Was that, um, dick joke about Pete's dick?
不 不 不
Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no.
我遇到过很多软鸡鸡
I've actually encountered a lot of soft dicks in my day, so...
听上去像皮特的鸡鸡
Yeah, 'cause it seemed like it was about Pete's dick.
好吧 因为和我在一起
Okay, 'cause with me,
皮特的鸡鸡一直是硬的
Pete's dick is always hard with me.
恭喜你的精彩表演
Congratulations on your achievement.
-什么鬼 -我的天
- What the fuck? - Oh my God.
我替皮特感到害怕
I'm like scared for Pete.
身体在颤抖
I feel physically scared.
她会伤了他的心
She's going to break his heart.
-她会毁了他的 -谁说不是呢
- She's going to annihilate him. - Yeah.
不管怎么说 想想她要对他下毒手
Anyway, it's kind of fun thinking about
还是挺好玩的 但是
how she's going to hurt him, but...
等他们分手之后 我们一定要多多和她相处
We should totally hang out with her when they break up.
凯蒂 你要干什么 等等
Kitty, what are you doing? Hold on.
-放开我 放开 -站住
- Stop it! Stop. - Come on. Stop.
-你都走到马路了 -你竟然让我闭嘴 皮特
- You're in the street. - You fucking shushed me, Pete.
你竟然让我闭嘴 我是你的女朋友啊
You fucking shushed me, and I'm your girlfriend.
我才是你的掌上明珠 电视上的那个
I'm the one that's important, not your fucking ex-girlfriend
-只是你前女友 -听我说
- who's on fucking TV. - Listen to me, hold on.
你刚才打断了一场非常重要的单口相声
You were talking during a very important stand-up set, okay?
今晚是爱丽的大日子
Tonight was about Ali,
而你却 这太失礼了
and you were-- It's rude.
-太失礼了 -我失礼
- It's fucking rude. - I was rude?
-是的 -你知道什么才叫失礼吗
- Yes. - You know what's fucking rude
爱丽在全国人♥民♥面前 在国家电视台上嘲讽你
is Ali telling a joke about you on national TV,
这才叫失礼
in front of everyone.
-你应该觉得丢脸 -你又不知道
- You should be fucking humiliated. - You don't know that.
你又不知道她说的是我 你不可能知道啊
You don't know it was about me. How do you know it was about me?
-她在嘲讽你的鸡鸡啊 -我都不确定
- It was about your dick. - I don't fucking lose enough erections
她说的是我 你又怎么知道
for that to definitely be about me. You don't know that.
喜剧演员会拿他们重视的人开玩笑
Comics make jokes about people they care about.
-我们都是这么做的 -所以说她重视你咯
- That's what we do. - Oh, she cares about you.
你这么说 我真是太欣慰了
That's-- that makes me feel so much better.
那你们俩就好好
I'm just gonna let you guys--
我把你还给她怎么样
I'll let you go, go back to her.
-我能再解释一下吗 -别废话了 再见
- Can I explain something to you right now? - No, bye.
你是我的女朋友 你在一个对你无关紧要的夜晚
You're my girlfriend, and you're making a drunken, crazy scene
在一个俱乐部门前耍酒疯
in front of a club, on a night that has nothing to do with you!
如果你真的会拿你重视的人开玩笑
So, if you tell jokes about the people you care about,
那你会 你会怎么笑话我呢
then what do you... what jokes do you tell about me?
我不会的 我不会笑话你
I don't. I don't do jokes about you.
你是想听这句话吗 我不会拿你开玩笑
Is that what you want? I don't do any jokes--
-你是个大骗子 -我不会拿你开玩笑
- You're a fucking liar. - I don't do any jokes--
-告诉我 你会怎么说 -天哪
- Tell me what jokes you tell. - Jesus.
-你会怎么笑话我 -不
- Tell me what jokes you say about me. - No!
我不可能在大马路上跟你说相声
I'm not doing my act for you in the road,
你不愿意说相声吗
Oh, you're not gonna do your shitty little act?
你还在这里丢人现眼
while you're making a scene.
来吧 既然你进不了酒窖
Do it. You can't get into The Cellar.
那就在酒窖外面说相声啊 皮特
Tell me a fucking joke outside of The Cellar, Pete.
我女朋友喜欢假鸡鸡
My girlfriend loves dildos.
有时候她跟我说她没心情做♥爱♥
Sometimes she says she's not in the mood,
但是我能听到她偷偷跑到卫生间
and then I hear her sneak off into the bathroom
然后里面就传来了直升机起飞的声音
and it sounds like a helicopter leaving Saigon.
你跟她在新泽西上♥床♥的时候也是这么说的吗
Did you tell that joke while you were fucking her in New Jersey?
我没有 我没有背叛你
I didn't... I didn't cheat on you.
我根本没有想过要背叛你
I've never-- I've never even thought about cheating.
我不瞎 我有眼睛 我自己会看
I have eyeballs and I can see everything that's going on!
我都看见了
I see everything!
-我知道发生了什么 皮特 -什么啊
- I know what's up, Pete. - What's up?
你说啊 你知道了什么
What's up? What's up?
-知道了什么 -发生了什么
- What's up? - What's going on?
发生了什么 你知道我在说什么吗
What's up? Do you understand the words I'm saying right now?
天哪
Jesus.
你♥他♥妈♥在做什么
What the fuck are you doing?
你这话什么意思
What do you mean what the fuck am I doing?
你不能学聋 你在干什么
You can't do deaf-- What are you--
为什么 喜剧警♥察♥
Why can't I do it, comedy police?
我为什么不能聋哑人说话
Why can't I do fucking deaf voice?
你就像是八十年代电影里的恶霸
You sound like a bully in an '80s movie.
你真是太差劲了
Well, you're... You suck!
你这个男朋友真是糟透了
You're a shitty boyfriend.
当喜剧演员更糟
And you're an even shittier comic.
你能别站在马路上了吗
Okay, can you get out of the street?
-你就是个大笑话 -别站在马路上了好吗
- You're a shitty joke. - Can you get out of the street, please?
你滚开
You get out of the street!
-走人行道 -老娘想走哪走哪
- Get on the fucking sidewalk. - I'll do what I want!
皮特 别站在马路上了
Yo, Pete, man. You gotta get out of the street, dude.
-好的 -两天前我看到有人被撞飞了
- Yeah. - I saw a guy got hit out here like two days ago.
他挂掉了
He's fucking dead.
是的
Yeah.
-抱歉 -来吧
- Sorry. - Come on.
宝贝 你今晚太棒了