崩溃人生（2017）

Crashing S01E01

Part 1 July 15, 2020, 11:19 a.m.

我准备周末休息一下
You know, I'm gonna give myself the weekend off.
不批卷子了
Not gonna grade any papers.
要是我三年级的时候有你这样的老师
If I were in third grade, and you were my teacher,
那我可得高兴坏了
I'd just be, like the happiest kid.
-是吗 -当然了
- You would? - Of course.
-为什么 -你多可爱啊
- Why? - 'cause you're adorable.
难道你不知道吗
Are you kidding me?
我肯定特别激动每天早早上学
I would freak out. I'd be the weird kid,
表现特别反常
gets there early every day.
-情人节只给你送礼物 -真的吗
- You'd be the only one I'd give a valentine-- - Yeah?
抱歉
Sorry.
我拿着刀呢
I have a knife.
我们在地板上来一发吧
Let's fuck on the floor.
什么
What?
在地上操♥我♥
Fuck me on the floor.
-现在吗 -是啊
- Right now? - Yeah.
行啊
Sure.
我刚碰过洋葱
I have onion hands, though.
我现在好像个医生
Just... I feel like a doctor.
护士请给我50毫升洗手液
Nurse, get me 50 ccs of liquid dawn.
这话很败兴
Let's not do a bit.
抱歉
Sorry.
我讨厌我们现在的样子
爱将房♥子变成家
-让我摸下你屁♥眼♥ -什么
- Let me touch your asshole. - What?
-嗯 -什么不行
- Yeah. - What? No.
让我摸下肯定很爽
Yeah, let me just touch it. It'll be good.
什么馊主意
No, it's not... it's not a good idea.
我不喜欢被摸屁♥眼♥
It's not a good area for me.
你想摸我的吗
Do you wanna touch my asshole?
你怎么了
What's gotten into you?
我只是想...消除我们之间的隔阂
I'm just... I'm trying to dissolve our boundaries
尝点不一样的
and like, find something different
-来点有情趣的 -那我这样
- and find something sexy. - Okay, I'll do this.
-皮特 -这样可以吧
- Peter. - There you go.
-干嘛 -看着我
- What? - See me.
我正在看着你
I'm looking right at you.
不是用眼睛看用心
Don't look at me, see me.
我爱你很爱你
I love you. I love you so much.
咬我脖子做点疯狂的事情
Just bite my neck, like do something that feels crazy.
我不想咬你脖子你是我最好的朋友
I don't want to bite your neck. You're my best friend.
随便做点什么吧比如...
Just do something! Like--
想试试69式吗
You wanna, like, 69 or something?
我不想上下一起来
I don't like doing two things at once.
就像骑车时弹班卓琴一样
It's like playing the banjo while you're riding a bicycle.
很不自然
It's unnatural.
我膝盖疼死了
My knees are really chaffing.
-你自己看看 -好吧
- Look at that. - Okay.
看见没
You see?
-你上来吧 -好吧
- You should get on top or something. - Okay.
浮生若寄
第一季第一集
我好晕
I'm so Lithuanian.
婴儿因为撕纸笑个不停
-就看到这儿吧 -别啊
- Let's stop. Let's really... - Oh, no.
-我得走了 -什么这不才四点
- I have to go anyway. - What? It's only four o'clock?
-你去哪儿 -演出啊
- Where are you going? - Well, the show.
演出七点开始但六点就要报名了
The show's at 7:00, but sign-up's at 6:00,
我现在不出发可能就赶不上了
so if I don't leave right now, I might not even get on,
今天晚上就白瞎了
and then the whole night will be a wash.
我还以为今晚我们能一起看点什么呢
I thought we were gonna watch stuff together?
亲爱的这种事其实
Sweetest, it would help me if we could,
也挺正常的
you know, normalize this a little bit.
有的人白天工作
Some people work during the day,
我晚上工作就像警♥察♥
I work at night, like a cop.
这算不上工作
It's not really work.
演出方又不付你报酬
You go do shows that don't pay you.
你出工还得自己买♥♥两份饮料
And you have to buy two drinks in order to do 'em.
这不算工作
It's not really work.
拜托这可是西村的演出
Come on, this is in the West Village.
上台的都是大人物宋飞罗曼诺克里斯·洛克
It's all the big guys. Seinfeld, Romano, Chris Rock.
-他们会在那演出吗 -他们90年代
- They perform there? - They perform in the neighborhood
在那附近演出
in the 90's.
这很难的
Come on, this is hard.
我一个人去我希望你能...
I'm up there alone. I like to think you're...
-能够支持我 -好吧
- you know, up there with me rooting me on. - Okay.
-这场演出真的很重要 -好吧
- This is a big one, I promise. - Okay.
-祝我好运 -祝你好运
- Wish me luck. - Good luck.
-要说大好运 -大好运[剧院专用祝福语]
- Say break a leg. - Break a leg.
别说祝我好运这演出跟在剧院一样
You don't say good luck. It's like the theater.
-你让我说的 -我很快回来
- You just told me to say good luck. - I'll be back soon.
我回来可以让你摸我屁♥眼♥
When I come home, you can touch my asshole.
-别嘲笑我 -好吧
- Don't make fun of me. - Okay.
我挺好的我是布鲁克林人
I'm all right, man. I'm a Brooklyn kid, you know?
老派的布鲁克林人
I'm from old-school Brooklyn, all right?
布鲁克林的栋梁
Salt of the earth Brooklyn, yeah?
我们那一半是加勒比人
Half the area's Caribbean,
另一半是传统犹太人
the other half is orthodox Jewish.
所以我看着像迈瑟德·曼说话像杰利·路易斯
That's why I look like Method Man and sound like Jerry Lewis.
准备好迎接下一场秀了吗
Are you guys ready for our next comedian, yeah?
掌声有请皮特·福尔摩斯
Give him your support, Pete Holmes, guys, yeah!
谢谢托德·蒙特西的演出
Thanks. Todd Montesi, everybody. Todd Montesi.
我感觉自己仿佛拿了奖
I feel like I won an award,
你们请我上台像是我赢了奖
like you brought me up, like I won something.
拿奖挺奇怪的
I think it's weird when you win an award,
感谢上帝的时候得指向他
you're supposed to point to god if you thank him.
指着天嘴里说"感谢上帝"
You go "Thank god" and you point to the sky,
因为上帝在天上
'cause that's where god is.
但我们在地球上
But we're on a planet.
这个方向也有天空对吧
The sky is that way as well, right?
所以我想赢个奖比如金球奖
So I wanna win an award, like a Golden Globe,
我领奖的时候就走上台
so I can go up and just be like,
"我要感谢主感谢救世主基♥督♥"
"I wanna thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ..."
"打脸了吧撒旦"
"In your face, Satan."
"一元店"的员工能拿到什么折扣
What do you think the employee discount is at the dollar store?
你猜对了
There you are.
你们肯定觉得是"随便拿"吧
You think it's "Just take it"?
我说得还行吧
Hey, that was good, right?
我就听了结尾
I only caught the end.
但是结尾挺好吧
But the end was good, right?
好像很不错
Seemed like it was pretty good.
我不是逼你
So I don't want to be pushy,
不过你说过月度演出的事情可以找你
but you said to talk to you maybe about the monthly shows.
你不是在康涅狄格的消防站附近
There's... don't you book the Holiday Inn in Connecticut
订了假日酒店吗
at the firehouse?
-你有车吗 -有车我有车
- Do you have a car? - Yeah, I have a car. I have a car.
能在冰上开吗
Does it do well on ice?
可以我还没在...冰上能开
Yeah it... yeah, I mean, I don't stop... ice is fine.
也许行吧
Yeah, maybe.
那我给你发邮件
Okay, can I e-mail you?
别不过你可以把你邮箱给我
No. But you can give me your e-mail.
有点复杂
It's a little complicated.
PetePeteHolmes加全拼的"21"
It's Pete Pete Holmes 21,
但"20"的结尾是"i" 不是"y"
But 20 spelled with an i, not a y,
"twenti-one"
@gmail.com
要我写下来吗
Do you want me to write it down?
我记得住
I'll remember it.
这不是有笔吗
There's a pen right here though.
那是用来登记的我用脑子记了
This is for the sign-up. So I got it up here.
我会记住的
I'll remember it.
我登记过了这样你只要在我的名字前面
I signed up, so if you just wrote Pete
加一个Pete 就差不多是我的邮箱了
in front of Pete Holmes, you'd have most of it.
这是作为历史记录留下的