崩溃人生（2017）

Amazing. And for you?
我要两瓶喜力和一杯威士忌
I'll have a couple of Heinekens and a shot, whiskey.
-好的 -皮特 要威士忌吗
- Okay. - Pete, whiskey?
-不要 我不喝 -不要吗
- No, I-- No. - No?
我还要上台
I... I got to go up.
原来我是和帕丁顿熊一起出门呢 抱歉
I'm traveling with Paddington Bear, I apologize. Uh...
那就两瓶喜力和一杯威士忌
Okay, so couple of Heinekens and a shot.
我能请你喝一杯吗 一杯威士忌
Can I get you a shot? Shot of whiskey?
不了 我用平板工作时不能喝酒
Oh, no, I can't drink while I'm working the tablet.
不然会看不清的
It starts to get all blurry.
看不清平板 好吧
Blurry tablet, okay. Um...
-那我就... -一杯威士忌
- All right, I'll, uh-- - So a shot for you?
对 给我拿一杯就好
Yeah, just a shot for me.
好的 谢谢
Okay, thanks.
麻烦帮我加块冰
Oh, if you could chill it, please.
-好的 两位再见 -谢了 黛博拉
- Perfect. Bye, guys. - Thanks, Deborah.
感觉如何
How 'bout that?
做头牌演员值得吧 皮特
Pays to be the headliner, huh, Pete?
我不喜欢 我不喜欢博物馆
I don't like it. I don't like the museum.
很无聊 我不想去
It's boring. I don't want to go.
我去博物馆时
When I'm at the museum,
我看画不是为了欣赏
I'm not looking at paintings to appreciate them.
我只是盯着画
I'm staring at the painting,
想弄明白盯着看多长时间才合适
trying to figure out how long is appropriate to look at it,
这样我走开时 旁边的人才不会想
so when I walk away, the other people in the room aren't like,
"他根本没看懂"
"Well, he didn't get it at all."
我会装出一副很严肃的表情
So I make a real serious face. I'm like,
"看看这笔触 真棒"
"Mm-mm. Look at the brush strokes. Oh, yeah."
但我脑子里想的是
But in my head I'm just like,
*蜂蜜坚果脆谷乐*
*Honey Nut Cheerios!*
*早餐还是午餐吃 由你选*
*Have 'em for breakfast or lunch, you decide!*
这连歌♥都算不上
It's not even a real song.
掌声欢迎杰森·韦伯
Give it up for Jason Webber!
你们好啊 贱♥人♥们
All right! What's up, fucker?
我也说不好
I don't know. Listen.
有时候刻板印象是对的
Sometimes stereotypes are just kind of a reality, you know?
这可不是种族歧视 这是模式识别
So, that's not racism, you know? It's pattern recognition.
如果你想去家安静的影院看电影
I mean, if you want to go see a film in a quiet theater,
绝不会选哈莱姆区[居民多为黑人] 对吧
steer clear of Harlem, you know what I mean?
我们都有点种族歧视
We're all a little bit racist, right?
谁没有过登上飞机 发现飞行员是中国人
I mean, who hasn't walked onto an airplane, seen a Chinese pilot
心里想着 "我可得把安全带再绑紧点"
and thought, "I'm gonna buckle up a little bit tighter."
你们想让我怎么办
What do you want from me?
我有时候都不知道怎么做男人
I mean, I don't know how to be a man sometimes, right?
我不知道该如何接近女人
I mean, I'm not sure how to approach a woman,
如何接近一个女孩
how to approach a girl, you know?
我们生活在一个大伙都要小心翼翼的时代
We live in a time where, uh, you know, we're all on thin ice.
我不知道 我不知道该...
I mean, I don't know-- I don't know how--
我该说什么呢
What am I supposed to say, right?
还有什么事能比
I mean, what's more creepy
问一个女孩你能不能吻她更诡异呢
than asking a girl whether or not you can kiss her?
"你介不介意我...
"Hey, do you mind if I, um...
我只是想...
I mean, I just wanna...
我想要用这里...
I wanna... I'd like to take this...
这里和这里...
this one and this one and...
我可不可以..."
Could I..."
"我能伸舌头吗 你能不能..."
You know, "Do you mind if I use tongue? Could you..."
我真不知道怎么和女生说话
You know, I don't know how to talk to a girl.
我们又该怎样开始做♥爱♥呢
And how are we supposed to get into actual sex?
是不是该按照格式说
I mean, do you write out a form and say,
"你介意我们小小地做一下吗
"Hey, do you mind if we, uh, do a little fucking?
我可以从上面把它插♥进♥去吗
Would you-- Is it okay if I put it in missionary?
或者后入式呢"
How about dog-style?"
我是不是该说 "你介意我滑进去吗"
Do I say, "Hey do you mind if I, uh, slip this in?"
"好的" "好嘞"
"Oh, okay." "All right."
"你介意我... 把它拔♥出♥来♥吗"
"Do you mind if I, um-- Is it okay if I pull it out?"
"好的"
"Okay."
"你介意我加速吗"
"And do you mind if I speed it up?
"你介意我...
"Do you mind if I-- Yeah! Oh, oh!
可以吗 对不起 我没想到
Was that okay? Sorry, I didn't know.
行吗 不行吗
Is it okay? Is it not okay?
行吗 不行吗"
Is it okay? Is it not okay?"
凯特
-好啊 -好啊
- Hi. - Hi, pedo.
你好啊
There you are.
天啊
Oh, my God.
-我好想你 -我也想你
- I miss you so much. - I miss you, too.
-表演顺利吗 -还不错
- How was the show? - It was good.
我住在喜剧公♥寓♥
I'm in a Comedy Condo.
感觉就像执行监视任务
I feel like I'm on a stakeout
或者被当做证人保护
or in witness protection.
皮特 你那边有点卡
Hey, Pete, you're cutting out a little.
抱歉 能听到吗
Sorry, can you hear me?
-可以了 -这边信♥号♥♥特别差
- Um, yes. Okay, yeah. - There's like no cell service here.
运营商应该是威瑞森
I think it's a Verizon community.
我很好 你呢
But, yeah, I'm good. How are you?
我还好 今天工作很累
Oh, I'm good. It was a long day at work.
我忙了一整天
It was... Yeah, it was just busy.
现在呢 你穿上睡衣了
Now what? You got your pajama-jams on?
我在床上想你呢
Yeah, now I'm just in bed just thinking about you.
真想去陪你
I wish I was there.
是吗
Yeah?
为什么想来陪我
Why do you wish you were here?
真问啊
Yeah?
难以置信
This is fucking ridiculous.
怎么
Hello.
我们的演出大获成功 而你却在喝茶
We just tore the club down and you're drinking tea?
我在喝茶 还很享受
I'm drinking tea, and I'm pretty psyched about it.
皮特去哪儿了
Where's Pete?
他好像在自己屋里
I think he's in his room.
我是和奥斯蒙德兄弟一起出门了吗
What, am I on the road with the fucking Osmonds?
喝你的洋甘菊去吧
Enjoy your chamomile.
做你的俯卧撑去吧
Enjoy your push-ups!
怪胎
Fucking weirdo.
我插得好深
I'm so deep right now.
好深啊
I'm so deep.
操
Oh, fuck.
-你快到了吗 -我快到了
- How-- Are you close? - I'm fucking close.
-是吗 -你呢 你快到了吗
- Yeah? - Are you-- Are you close?
我快了
Yeah, I'm close.
我想让你...
I want you to--
等等 凯蒂 卡住了
Hold on. Kitty, you're cutting out.
-能听到吗 -能听到
- Can you hear me? - Yeah, I can hear you.
-你能听到吗 -我快到了 你呢
- Can you hear me? - Fuck. I'm close. Are you close?
-我也是 你射吧 -马上就到了
- Yeah. I want you to come. - I'm so close.
-我要到了 你呢 -我也是
- I'm gonna come. Are you close? - Yeah.
-你要为我射吗 -你要到了吗
- Yeah, do you wanna come for me? - Are we gonna come?
我要到了 我们一起去吧
I'm gonna come. Come with me. Come with me!
我的天
Oh, God!
天啊
Oh, God.
凯蒂 太棒了
Kitty, yeah, that was amazing.
你快到了吗
Are you close?
我...你能听到吗
I'm-- Are you there?
能听到吗 你快到了吗
Can you hear? Are you close?
凯蒂 我已经到了
Kat, I-- I'm done.
你...操 好吧
Oh, you-- Fuck, okay.
对不起 我以为你到了...
I'm sorry, I thought you-- I thought you were coming...
不 我马上 马上就到
No, I'm right there. I'm right there.
-就差一点 -快了吗
- I'm so close. - You're close?
继续说话
Yeah, just keep on talking to me.
-说点淫♥荡♥的 -好
- Talk dirty for me. - Okay.