崩溃人生（2017）

总有一天 你会上《新星秀》表演的
And one day, you'll be up there performing on Star Search,
你会得到3.75星 你会赢的
and you'll get three and three-quarter stars, and you'll win,
到那时后皱眉的就该是辛巴德了
and Sinbad will be the one frowning that day.
美国喜剧演员
90年代出演HBO而出名
我们都会来这给你捧场 为你大笑
And we'll all be here on your side, laughing for you.
你很早之前就不看电视了吧
You got rid of your TV a long time ago, huh?
嗯 我刚搬到一个连电都没有的地方
No, I just moved to a place without any electricity.
这什么情况 威尔
What's all this, Wil?
爱丽·瑞森上塞斯·梅耶斯的节目了
Oh, Ali Reissen doing Seth Meyers.
哪个爱丽
Ali who?
爱丽 爱丽·瑞森
Ali-- Ali Reissen.
我都没见过她
I've never seen her my entire life.
她就上塞斯·梅耶斯的节目了
She's doing Seth fucking Meyers,
现在已经沦落成开放麦了吗
and it's like-- it's like an open mic now?
怎么了 她很搞笑
What's the matter? She's funny.
-他们怎么谁都找 -又不是我的错
- I mean, they just take anybody now. - It's not my fault you...
我又不知道 我以为会保持原样
No, I didn't know. I thought it was gonna keep coming.
结果现在已经多样化了 你就是多样化的
And now with all this diversity-- you're diverse,
你连话都说不利索 你明白我什么意思吗
you can barely talk, you know what I mean?
你已经在这50年了
You still got a fucking accent
还有口音
and you've been here like 50 years.
拜托 你是玩呢吧
I mean, come on. I mean, seriously. Are you playing it?
你能正常讲话吗 还是为了专场
Can you talk normal and you're just doing it to get a special?
不是我的错 你把白人用错了
It's not my fault you're using whiteness in the wrong way.
-不是我的错 -我知道 我知道
- That's not my fault. - I know, I know, I know.
我应该当个经纪人什么的
I should've been an agent or something.
就是白人这套♥弄♥得你一事无成
All this whiteness and it got you nowhere.
看看这家伙 他会在我前面上专场的
Look at this guy. This guy will get a fucking special before me.
-因为他是黑人 -不 因为他多样化
- Because he's black? - No, 'cause he's diverse.
快来 要开始了
Hey, you guys, it's about to start!
不好意思
Um, hi? Hi, excuse me.
可以转到NBC台吗
Do you mind just putting on NBC, please?
塞斯·梅耶斯要开始了
Seth Meyers is about to begin.
谢谢
Thanks.
这里是纽约洛克菲勒广场30号♥
From 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York...
你今天下午录的这个 今天下午录的
You recorded this this afternoon? You taped this afternoon?
-今天 -现在就播出了
- Today, yeah. - And now it's airing.
不知道节目效果是最爽的
This is the best time when you don't even know how it is.
-完全不知道 -太兴奋了 你什么感觉
- No idea. - So exciting. How do you feel?
有点害怕
Kind of freaking out.
当然 因为你的举动都被录下来了
Sure, 'cause everything you do lives forever.
-这就是上电视最可怕的事 -天啊
- That's the scary part about doing TV. - Oh, God.
我演过《鳄鱼邓迪2》 听说过吗
I did Crocodile Dundee 2 , you ever heard of it?
许多人都说比第一部好
Well, anyway, it was better than one, a lot of people said.
但是 大家在网上喷你
But it's, you know, people troll you online.
"死胖子 蠢货"
"Hey fatso. Hey stupid."
-一直都是 -天啊
- You know, forever. - Oh, God.
他演过那个 我演过《律政俏佳人》
So he's in that. I'm in Legally Blonde.
小孩们走到我面前说"我认识你
Little kids come up to me and they're like, "I know you!
你让艾尔·伍兹上了哈佛"
You got Elle Woods into Harvard."
很棒 但是别的时候
It's fantastic. But other times, like,
在网上搜我的名字 你猜怎么着
you Google my name, guess what comes up?
没写《律政俏佳人》 我是夜场即兴表演的
Not Legally Blonde. My evening at the Improv.
并不如意
Didn't go well.
我在一场半小时的喜剧节目里穿了一件海盗衫
I wore a pirate's jacket on a half-hour comedy special.
-是的 -那不是我最好的形象 乌鱼而已
- Yeah. - It wasn't my best look, a mullet.
人们刀尖舔都以为我是哈维·韦恩斯坦
People, to this day, act like I was Harvey Weinstein.
曾出演《食人鱼》
-天啊 -就是选错了衣服而已
- Oh, God. - It was a bad fashion choice.
-跟你一辈子 -是的
- Yeah. Forever. - Right, right. Yeah.
最闹心的是 以后
Yeah, here's the crazy thing. In the future,
你会意识到这场演得太烂了
you're gonna realize this is probably a terrible set,
因为你会成为越来越厉害的喜剧演员
because you get better as a comedian.
"我知道该怎么抖包袱
And you're like, "Oh, now I know how to do those jokes.
现在我知道上电视怎样显得不慌张"
Now I know how not to look panicked on television.
总之 恭喜你
Yeah, our point is, congratulations.
-你现在出道了 -酷
- You're in the club now. - Cool!
你要知道有多少人想演喜剧
You know how many people want to do comedy?
他们却从来都没上过电视
And they don't ever get on television?
我得 我去去就回
I'm just gonna... I'll be right back.
多兴奋啊
Okay. It's exciting.
-是的 -不过我绝对不会办个派对
- Yeah. - Yeah. I would never have a party, though.
-是的 -你能想象吗
- No. No! - God, could you imagine?
怎么了 你害怕了吗
What's up? Are you freaking out?
对吗 为什么
Yeah? What's-- Why?
我觉得自己不够出色
I feel like I'm not gonna be great.
-你会很棒的 -不 不 我是说
- You're gonna be great. - No, no, no. I mean,
我怕我演得只是好而已
I'm afraid that I am just good.
很多人演得都好
And there are a lot of people who are good,
我不过是其中一个
and I'm just gonna be another good.
好吧
Okay.
-这样 -什么
- Do this. - What?
身体做这个姿势
Do this with your body.
-这是祷告之类的吗 -不是祷告
- Is this a Jesus thing? - It's not a Jesus thing.
是能量站姿
It's a power stance.
如果你觉得自己渺小紧张
If you're feeling small and nervous,
这个能让你的身体感觉很好
this tricks your body into feeling good.
很管用 我演出之前都做
It works. I do it before shows.
你能感觉到吗
Can you feel it?
-能感觉到 -别骗我
- I can feel it. - Don't fucking lie to me.
-能感觉到吗 -能感觉到
- Can you feel it? - I can feel it!
我懂 感觉自己无所不能
I get it. I feel invincible.
能再给我来一杯吗
Can I get another one?
-你是来见爱丽的吗 -什么
- You here to see Ali? - What?
-你是来看爱丽上电视的吗 -是的
- For the viewing? You here for that? - Oh, yeah.
太好了 我也是
That's cool. Me, too.
等等 你是谁
Wait, who are you?
真有趣 我正准备告诉你呢
That's so funny, 'cause I was just about to tell you who I am.
我是利夫
I'm Leif.
你是利夫吗
Oh, you're Leif?
是的
Yeah.
我是凯特 皮特的女朋友
I'm Kat. I'm Pete's girlfriend.
好吧
Oh, right.
我知道你的事
Yeah, I know all about you.
你睡了皮特的老婆 毁了他的婚姻
You slept with Pete's wife and you ruined his marriage.
婚姻会走到尽头 凯特
Okay, yeah. Marriages die, Kat.
但美好的友谊会像美丽的凤♥凰♥
But out of the ashes rose the beautiful phoenix
在婚姻的灰烬中重生
of a lovely friendship.
真的有人会信你的胡说八道吗
Does anybody buy your bullshit?
这我说了不算
I can't be the judge of that.
杰茜
Jess!
这是凯特
This is Kat.
很高兴认识你
It's so nice to meet you.
是吗
Oh, is it?
我原本是那么想的
I thought it was.
她太吓人了
She scared me so bad.
我骨头发凉
My bones are ice.
小孩子太难搞了 因为他们...
Kids are rough, 'cause they--
要担很多责任 他们没钱
It's a lot of responsibility. They don't have any money.
有天我得去买♥♥张床 你们知道我去哪买♥♥床吗
I had to buy a bed the other day. You know where I went to buy a bed?
床浴及其他用品店
Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
床浴及其他用品店根本不卖♥♥床
They don't sell beds at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
我在那里找床找了半小时
I was looking for a bed for half an hour at Bed, Bath, and Beyond,
像个傻瓜一样乱逛
just walking around like a fucking idiot.
最终我问了个店员"床到底在哪呢"
Finally I just asked a guy, I go, "Where are the beds?"
他说"我们不卖♥♥床"
He goes, "We don't sell beds."
我就说"这不是床浴及其他用品店吗"
I'm like, "It's Bed, Bath, and Beyond."
他说"没错 我们搞砸了"...
He goes, "Yeah, we fucked up, you know," So...
我又问"这里真的有其他用品吗"
I'm like, "Is there even a Beyond?"
他回"没有 不过有许多小夹子"
He goes, "No, but we got a lot of chip clips."
接下来是西尔莎·罗南