崩溃人生（2017）

我可以的
I can do that.
我可以
I can.
-皮特 -我在
- Pete? - Yes.
-大家在等你了 -好极了
- They're ready for you. - Great.
你待在这
You stay here.
我会待在这专心听你说 我好激动
I'll stay here and listen. I'm so excited.
好的 就像我妈在牙医面前一样 爱你
Okay, like my mom at the dentist. Love you.
有天我拉了超大一坨屎
I had the biggest poop the other day.
我发誓形状跟Q一样
I swear, it looked like the letter Q.
-这位是皮特·福尔摩斯 -皮特
- This is Pete Holmes. - Oh hi, Pete.
我是莱斯特
Hey, I'm Lester.
很高兴认识你
Cool, nice to meet you.
-这位是辛迪 -很高兴认识你
- This is Cindy. - Hi, nice to meet you.
那是你的座位 请坐
That's you in that chair, right there. Have a seat.
这就是你们看上去的样子
This is what you guys look like.
-是啊 -这就是我们
- Yeah, it is. - Yeah, this is us.
话虽如此
Be it as it may. Uh...
我们四十秒后开始直播
We go on the air in about 40 seconds,
我们今天推销什么
so, what are we promoting today?
推销真诚信仰巡演
Um, I'm promoting the Good Faith Variety Tour.
那是什么
And what is that?
是个基♥督♥教演出
It's a Christian variety show.
我是名喜剧演员 基♥督♥喜剧演员
I'm a comedian-- um, a Christian comedian.
基♥督♥喜剧演员
A Christian comedian?
不必多说了 我想在直播中取笑一番
Don't tell me anymore. I wanna make fun of that on the air.
什么
What, uh--
那是你的耳机 带上吧
Yeah, those are your headphones, put those on.
你的音量控制在下方
Your mic volume is down below.
静音键在这 能将你的麦克风静音
Your cough button's there, that will mute your mic.
Z88.7 查尔斯顿大摇滚
Z88.7, The Rock of Charleston.
这里是你们的老朋友莱斯特提醒你
It's your old buddy Lester reminding you
进攻是最好的防守 所以
that the best defense is a good offensive, so...
如果你也像我以前一样纠结于脚气
if you struggle with foot odor like I used to--
老天爷 没人比我更懂了
Oh boy, don't I know it.
请选择爽健牌
Yeah, attack it with Dr. Scholl's
脚气喷雾粉
Odor-X odor-fighting foot powder.
超级好用 记住名字
It's great. Ask for it by name.
买♥♥就对了
All right, do it to it. Now...
很高兴今天邀请到一位来宾
I'm very excited to have this guy in studio with us.
-是的 -今天是他第一次来做客
- Yes. - First time he's joined us.
他是个喜剧演员 不过信基♥督♥
He's a comedian, but he's a Christian comedian.
你们想想
Yeah, can you think about that?
就好比是个基♥督♥脱衣舞娘
That's like a Christian stripper.
-你懂的 -欢迎皮特·福尔摩斯
- Well, you know, it-- - Let's welcome Pete Holmes. Pete.
谢谢你 谢谢你
Thank you. Thank you.
你得帮帮我 我根本没法理解
You gotta help me out. I can't wrap my head around
基♥督♥喜剧演员 到底是怎么回事
Christian comedian. What's going on with that?
就是
Oh, you know, it's, uh--
我为了真诚信仰巡演来的
I'm here for the Good Faith Variety Tour.
我们有口♥技♥艺人 有音乐家
Uh, we have ventriloquists, we have musicians.
-非常棒的演出 -好极了
- It's a great, great show. - Cool, cool.
有一个游戏我们特别爱玩
We have a game we like to play
给彼此取个色情艺名
where we figure out your porno name.
他肯定很擅长 莱斯特
Ooh, yeah, he's gonna be really good at this, Lester.
我不知道
I don't know if I want to--
很简单 基本规则如下
It's really easy. The ground rules are as follows.
我们只需要你长大的街区名
All we need is the name of the street you grew up on
你给自己生殖器取的名字
and the nickname you have for your junk.
结合在一起就是你的色情艺名
And you put that together, that's your porno name.
-我不知道 -有意思
- I don't know... - This is good.
你会喜欢的 我叫橡树街雷屌♥
You're gonna like this. I'm Oak Thundernuggins.
我叫快活蛤蜊
Yeah, and I'm Pleasant Clambake.
我不太
I mean, I don't really...
布洛姆菲尔德
Bloomfield...
睾丸
Testes.
-不错 我喜欢 -我的天
- That works. I like that. - Oh Lord.
-我能在广播里说睾丸吗 -你已经说了
- Can I say testes on the radio? - You did. It's great.
再介绍一下这个演出吧
Tell us more about your show.
-有唱有跳 -有祷告的环节吗
- There's singing, there's music. - Okay, but what about praying?
我一直想知道 你祷告吗
This is what I've always wanted to know. Do you pray?
我祷告
Yeah, I pray.
在演出中祷告吗
But what about, like during the show?
没人会在演出中祷告
Nobody prays during the show.
演出中没有祷告者
No, there's no prayer in the show.
就是很普通的演出
It's just a show, it's a regular show.
但我在演出前祷告
But, you know, I pray before the show.
-你在上这个节目前祷告了吗 -是的
- Did you pray before this show? - I did.
有效果吗
How's that working?
希望一切还算顺利
I hope it's going okay.
我在演出前祷告因为我很感恩
I-- I mean, I pray before the show because I'm grateful.
我很感恩找到了一个新家庭
I'm really grateful that I feel like I found my new family,
参与这个巡演
and to be part of a tour that's, uh, bigger--
非常重要的舞台
bigger than myself, and...
还能进入喜剧行业
...and to be in the joy business.
当我在舞台上 我感到上帝在指引我
And when I'm on stage, I really feel God working through me,
感觉太棒了
and that's a really exciting feeling.
-我对此非常有热情 -我请的
- Something that I'm very passionate about. - That's my boy.
-哈利路亚 哈利路亚 -哈利路亚
- Well, Hallelujah? Hallelujah! - Hallelujah, yeah.
我收到消息 其他嘉宾到了
Hey, I'm getting a note here. Our other guest is here.
你带她进来好吗
You wanna bring her in?
-也许她能帮我们解释一下 -是啊
- Yeah, maybe she can help make sense of all of this. - Oh, please.
她是常客 每次她来城里
So, she's a regular. Whenever she's in town,
都喜欢来这 我们也很喜欢她
she loves to come by and we love to have her.
女士们先生们 欢迎杰西卡·科森
Ladies and gentlemen, Jessica Kirson is here.
-她来了 -她来了
- She's here now-- - Here she is.
-她来了 看看她 -我知道你
- Here she is. Look at her. - I know you.
我知道你 你好啊
I know you! How are you?
-你好啊 -很高兴认识你
- How you doing? - Nice to see you.
真的吗 你们认识
Oh, really? You two know each other?
我们都是纽约的喜剧演员 所以认识
Yeah, we're comics from New York, so we all know each other.
-不是吧 -而且我们去同一家女同发廊
- Oh, no kidding? - Plus, we go to the same lesbian hair stylist.
是真的
It's true.
很高兴你能来 每次你来城里都会来
Nice to have you here. I love that you stop by
我很高兴 你最近怎么样
every time you come through town. How are you doing?
-我累坏了 -是啊
- Oh, I'm exhausted right now. - Sure.
我很感激你们邀请了我
But I'm very grateful that you had me on,
希望能有两三个人
and hopefully, like, two more people
因为这个节目来看我的演出
will come to my show because of it.
-希望有三个 -没错
- Let's shoot for three. Big time. - Let's do it.
你总是妙趣横生 莱斯特
You're always full of jokes, Lester.
我讨厌那顶帽子
I hate that hat.
你一直都讨厌我的帽子
You've always hated my hat.
很难看 看上去真的像
It's horrible. I mean, it really, it looks like,
我70年代的旧胸罩
like an old bra of mine from the '70s.
-像狗玩具 -现在让你表演是不是太早了
- It's like a dog toy. - Is it too early for you to do a character?
得让她演一个 杰西卡 你太棒了
Oh, she's gotta do one. Jessica, you're so good.
-是吗 我不... -是的 我们很喜欢
- Really? I mean, I don't-- - Yes! We love them!
好吧
Okay, I mean...
你能表演哪个烦人的白人女孩吗 我特喜欢
Could you do the annoying white girl? It's my favorite.
不 不算早了
No, it's not too early.
我随时都可以
I'll do it anytime,
只要能卖♥♥座 我就愿意演
because if it's gonna sell tickets, I'll really do it,
因为我就希望大家来买♥♥票
because I just want people to show up that are gonna buy tickets.
说真的 我唯一关心的
Like, seriously, that's all I care about is
就是卖♥♥座
that people buy tickets.
我很希望我们能继续 但是要休息一下了
Oh, I wish we could go on, but we gotta go to break.
非常感谢你们来上节目
I wanna thank you guys for showing up.
杰西卡·科森今晚在查尔斯顿市中心的
Jessica Kirson tonight at Theater 99,
99号♥剧院演出 还有票吗
downtown Charleston. Tickets still available?
-有 -真诚信仰巡演的皮特·福尔摩斯
- Yes! - And Pete Holmes... of the Good Faith Variety Show,