崩溃人生（2017）

- Two drink minimum! - Two drink minimum!
两杯起
Two-drink minimum!
很显然 皮特是个信基♥督♥教的喜剧演员
Pete is a Christian comic, obviously.
他就算在台上也遵守清规戒律
And, you know, he really abides by the commandment
"汝不可杀人"
when he's on stage, "Thou shalt not kill."
插播新闻 皮特 耶稣不会回来了
News flash, Pete: Jesus isn't coming back,
你老婆也是
and neither is your wife.
是的 他们都被钉了 去了更好的地方
That's right. They both got nailed and are in a better place.
-皮特 怼她 皮特 怼她 -加油
- Pete, go. Pete, go. - Come on!
爱丽 取笑你是很难的
Ali, uh, it's hard to make fun of you
因为你已经身体畸形了
because you already have body dysmorphia,
阿迪 她觉得自己胖
which means, Artie, that she thinks she's fat.
我总得安慰她
I always have to reassure her,
宝贝 你那不是胖 你那是傻
"Baby, you're not fat, you're stupid."
皮特的脸上有很多痣
Pete has a lot of moles on his face.
特别多 但都不是癌变的那种
A lot of moles, but they're not cancerous,
完全是良性的 就跟他的表演一样无害
they're completely benign, just like his act.
她觉得自己有橘皮脂肪
She thinks she has cellulite.
我总要安慰她
I always reassure her,
那不是橘皮脂肪 那是痘坑
that's not cellulite, that's acne scarring.
我确实想过去做整形手术
Well, I mean, it's true I thought about having plastic surgery,
但是我觉得没必要打肉毒杆菌之类的
but I don't really think there's a need for, like, Botox,
因为我往自己的身体里放的毒就是皮特
because, um, the poison that I put in my body is Pete.
爱丽 看到你在台上的表演
Ali, I'm so happy to see you finally acting
跟你的下面一样又舒服又松懈 我很开心
like your vagina onstage, so comfortable and loose.
皮特 你前妻来电♥话♥了
Pete, your ex-wife called.
她说她非常抱歉给你戴绿帽子了
She said she's really sorry about cheating on you.
至少我觉得她是这么说的
At least I think that's what she said.
我听不大清楚
I couldn't hear her 'cause
因为她嘴里塞满了老二
she had so much cock in her mouth, so...
本场比赛最后一个段子
Last joke of the battle.
爱丽 你今晚特别棒 真的
Ali, you did great tonight. You did really,
特别棒 特别好笑
really great, really, really funny.
也不算 自从我嘬到你乳♥头♥上的汗毛之后
Eh, not really. I haven't seen someone choke this hard
我从来没见谁被噎得这么厉害
since I sucked on your nipple hair.
爱丽右侧乳♥头♥的汗毛特别重
Ali's, uh, right nipple is so hairy...
有多重
How hairy is it?
她给左边起名叫"和亨德森一家"
She named the left one "And the Hendersons."
hairy和Harry同音
《Harry and Hendersons》电影
你们俩
Wow, you two!
太棒了
Really!
大家对这场怎么看的 贝思
What do we think about that one? Beth?
皮特 你跟耶稣一样
Wow, Pete, you were like Jesus.
先是死了 三个段子之后 你又复活了
You died, and then three jokes later, rose again.
阿迪·兰格 你喜欢谁
Artie Lange, who do you like?
我不知道 我喜欢皮特
I... I don't know. I-- I like Pete,
但是我不想让他再上我家睡沙发了
uh, but I don't want him back on my fucking couch,
说实话 真的很难取舍
to tell you the truth, uh, so it's a dilemma.
我还是投给爱丽
I gotta give it to Ali.
平局 杰夫 你想让谁赢
Tied up, Jeff. Who do you wanna see win this thing?
首先 对我来说这是今天最棒的一场对决了
Well, first of all, this was the best battle of the night for me,
掌声鼓励一下 你们很棒
so give it up for these two, you killed it.
嘴够黑
Vicious.
爱丽 你的一些段子太人身攻击了
Ali, you had some killers that got super personal,
但是 皮特你直接把人颈静脉给割了
but, Pete, you really went for the jugular today, and, uh,
我为你骄傲 兄弟 这票我投你了
I'm proud of you, buddy. You got my vote.
皮特·福尔摩斯获胜
Pete Holmes is the winner!
皮特将进入决赛跟迈克·劳伦斯对决
Pete's gonna face Mike Lawrence in the finals!
恭喜你 皮特
Hey, whoa. Congrats, Pete.
特别棒 哥们 杀伤力真强
Yeah, that was so awesome, man, cold-blooded.
谢谢 抱歉 我得去找爱丽
Thanks. Excuse-- I'm sorry, I have to find Ali.
借过
Excuse me.
你太棒了
You were incredible.
特别棒
That was incredible!
天啊 以退为进
Oh my God. The back and the forth.
像是一场粗野的性♥爱♥
It was like rough sex.
感觉很爽
In a good way.
你怼起人来真性感
You... are sexy when you're mean.
-小爱 -怎么了
- Al... - What?
你用了很多我跟你说的事情当段子
You just-- you just used a lot of stuff that I told you,
而且是个人的 私密的事情 用来怼我
private stuff, in confidence, against me. You just--
-皮特 -你完全出♥卖♥♥♥了我
- Pete... - You totally sold me out.
我们彼此彼此 这是吐槽比赛
You did the same thing to me, it's a roast battle.
我是在学你 我只是
I did it to you because you did it to me. I was just...
这是干什么 我知道你是什么人 我呢
What is this? I know you are, but what am I?
你说什么呢
What are you talking about?
我没...
I didn't...
感觉不一样 我是在反击
It didn't feel the same, I was... retaliating.
跟着你的步调
followed your lead, you know?
大部分内容我都没写过
I wasn't-- I didn't even write most of that.
我只是急中生智想出刻薄的话好跟上节奏
I'm just scrambling to think of mean shit to say to keep up.
那更糟糕了 你说得都是心里话
That's even worse. Then you were just speaking from the heart.
我只是...
I just...
我不想把你的私事说出来
I didn't want to throw you under the bus.
-我没事啊 我不在乎 -我也不想
- I don't care! I'm fine! - I didn't want you--
我也不想你把我的私事说出来啊
I didn't want you to throw me under the bus.
我以为我们之间和达米安·莱蒙不一样
I thought we had different rules than Damien Lemon.
-我以为 -受不了怼还算啥喜剧演员
- I-- I thought-- - What kind of comedian can't take a joke?
你算喜剧演员吗
Are you even a comedian?
妈的 你现在这么说我
Fuck... you. That's what you say to me right now?
-不是的 -我不是托尼·欣奇克利夫
- No... - I'm not Tony Hinchcliffe.
-不是 -我们是同盟
- No! - We have an alliance!
-而你... -我们在舞台上不是啊
- And you just-- - Not when we're onstage, performing!
你难道想让我在舞台上 对大家说
Okay. What, do you want me to go up and be, like,
皮特是个大好人
"Oh, Pete's a great guy!"
谁会笑啊 这是干嘛呢
No laughs, like, that doesn't make sense!
我觉得你没必要说
I don't think you had to say
我老婆嘴里塞着别人的老二
that my wife had cock in her mouth or that--
-我没说错啊 -好吧
- She did! - Yeah.
多搞笑啊
It's funny!
我不知道我该怎么办
I don't know how I walk away
怎么忘记你刚才说的话
from that and just forget that you said it.
直接删掉那一段记忆吗
I'm just gonna delete the memory of that?
-明天要出去吃饭吗 -天呐 真要命了
- You want to go to dinner tomorrow... - God, this is so exhausting!
-是的 -表现得就像什么都没发生过一样
- Yes! - ...and just act like you didn't say that shit?
-是的 -你是想把我的痣...
- Yes! - That you want my moles--
我还要在这对橘皮脂肪自怨自艾吗
What, do you think I'm sitting here obsessing about my cellulite?
-这真是... -别想了
- That was-- - I mean, get over yourself.
-太好了 -你就是个自私
- Great. - You're just as selfish,
无能又恶毒的人 就像你周围的所有人一样
and fucked up, and mean, as everybody around you.
但是他们都敢于承认自己是什么样的人
They just have the balls to say that they have those qualities,
只有你表现得永远高人一等
while you act like you're better than everybody!
你害怕上帝 所以你把自己的感情藏起来
You're afraid of God, so you hide your feelings.
我不想跟你约会
I don't... want to date.
抱歉
I'm sorry.
-我只是... -这很好 很好
- I just-- - This is good. No, this is good.
有什么好的 我...
How is that good? I...
因为我不想跟一个
Because I don't want to be with
不知道自己是谁的人在一起
someone who doesn't fucking know who they are.
皮特 该到你了
Pete, they're ready for you.
我要对战麦克·劳伦斯
I-- I'm with-- I'm against Mike Lawrence,
-我要去... -去吧 好好表现
- I have to-- - Oh, yeah. Go be nice.
皮特是第一个中年发福的人
Pete is the first person to have stepdad bod.
他长得像个白面团似的
Pete, you Pillsbury dough adult.
皮特和白面包之间的唯一区别在于
The only difference between you and white bread,
白面包的碳水化合物可少多了
is that white bread has less carbs.
他看起来就像是因为长得太丑
He looks like he was kicked out of the Mormon Church
而被踢出了摩♥门♥教♥会
for not being cool enough.
皮特唯一一次探险是尝试墨西哥快餐
The only adventure Pete's ever been on was trying Chipotle.
你的喜剧能活生生改变别人的性取向
Your comedy is like conversion therapy.
但是对你却不适用