崩溃人生（2017）

*30 seconds of stand-up*
*30秒 30秒*
*30 seconds, 30 seconds*
*30秒单口相声*
*30 seconds of stand-up*
喜剧来临 开始 尤金 开始
Comedy in... Go, Eugene, go!
最近有个朋友告诉我
A friend of mine recently told me
我们上小学的时候
that when we were in elementary school,
老师告诉她不要和我交朋友
our teacher told her to not be my friend
因为我是个失败者
because I was a loser.
-为了证明 -我找了个好机位
- And then to prove-- - I got a good spot.
-谢谢 -一定会很棒的
- Oh, thank you. - Yeah, it's gonna be great.
-不错 -给她看了我的测验成绩
- Oh, cool. - Showed her my test scores--
-你还好吗 -不太好
- You okay? - Uh, not really.
本来我是下一个 但约翰·马来尼刚来
I was supposed to go up next, but John Mulaney just dropped in,
所以我可能赶不上"小皮鞭"了
so now I'm probably gonna miss Whiplash.
太糟了
It's really shitty.
也许我们能做点什么
Maybe-- is there something we can do?
没事 我想想办法
It's fine. I'll figure it out.
如果你想显示我的数学有多差
I know that if you wanted to show that I was bad at math,
很简单 但什么测验能证明你是失败者呢
it'd be very easy, but what's the test that shows you're a loser?
是不是应该问"你最喜欢的食物是什么"
Like, was the question like, "What's your favorite food?"
我说 "酸奶油"
And I was like, "Sour cream."
拉比 担任犹太教会众精神领袖或宗教导师的人
"你最喜欢哪支乐队" "我的拉比"
"Who's your favorite band?" "My rabbi."
"如果你可以和任何人做朋友 无论生死
"If you could be friends with anyone living or dead,
你选谁" "亨利·基辛格"
who would it be?" "Henry Kissinger."
你看
See?
你们想尝试什么新东西吗
Yeah, you want to try something?
最近五年我尝试了一种新东西
There's something new I've been doing for the last five years,
叫做友谊的呼唤
But this is called a friendship call...
不好意思 打扰了 约翰
I'm sorry. Excuse me, John.
我朋友 爱丽·瑞森 你认识吗
Hello. My friend, Ali Reissen. Do you know her?
-不认识 -她是一个特别搞笑的喜剧演员
- No. - She's a very, very funny comedian.
她本来下一个上场 但是你占了她的位子
She was gonna go next, but then you bumped her,
其实没关系
which is obviously fine.
但是我们在想能不能请你在她后面上场
But we were just wondering if you could go after her,
因为这场之后她还有一个秀
'cause she has a spot that she has to get to after this.
我做不到 我10:45还有一场
I can't do that. I have a 10:45 spot.
正是这样我才请求占她的位置
That's the only reason I asked to bump her.
这对她很重要 对我也很重要
It would mean a lot to her. It would mean a lot to me.
我很崇拜 你就像我们喜剧界的肯尼迪
I'm a huge-- it's-- you're like our comedy Kennedy.
我很激动 我特别喜欢你
This is exciting for me. I'm a really big fan.
你没听到我刚才说的话
So you didn't hear what I just said.
我听到了 我只是想
No, I heard you. I'm just wondering--
我占了她的位子是因为我有需要
The reason I bumped her is 'cause I need something.
取消占位就会拿走我需要的东西
To undo the bump would be to take away the thing I want.
我为什么要这样做 你是什么身份
Why would I do that? And who are you in all this?
你代表她来找我 对她来说有什么意义
And what are you to her that you walk over to me on her behalf?
我想 我想给她留下好印象
No, I'm trying-- I'm trying to impress her.
我是 我是喜剧演员
I-- I'm-- I'm a comic.
很好 你有名片吗
Great. Do you have a business card?
-没 我 -我是在贬低你
- No, I-- - That was a put-down.
抱歉 我爸告诉我
I'm sorry. My dad just told me
如果你想要什么 就要开口去争取
if you want something, you gotta ask for it.
所以 我看到你
So, I saw you--
你♥爸♥听起来像个蠢货
Your dad sounds like an idiot.
他是不是那种社会精英一类的人
Is he like a salt-of-the-earth type person?
这是怎么了
Hi. What's going on?
-你是爱丽吗 -你在干什么 我是
- Are you Ali? - What are you doing? I am. Hi.
很抱歉我占了你的位子
I am very sorry for bumping you,
但是我一会儿还有事 所以
but I have to get somewhere, so--
我刚刚在问他能不能和你换一下
I was just seeing if he would swap with you
让你能及时赶上演出
so you could get to your show on time.
-我们正在谈这个 -不 我非常抱歉
- We're talking about it. - N-- oh, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
-我没有让他 -你不用道歉
- I did not ask him-- - Oh, you don't have to apologize.
我知道是他的主意
I fully know it's him.
我能不能
Yeah. Can I...
-你在干什么 -什么意思
- What are you doing? - What do you mean?
-我 我想帮忙 -我又没请你帮忙
- I-- I'm trying to help. But... - I didn't ask you to.
-对 对不起 -如果我想和他换
- I-- I'm sorry. - Right, but if I wanted him to switch,
我就会问他和我换
I would've just asked him to switch.
我不需要你介入
I didn't need you to step in
然后像苏吉·尼特一样解决我的处境
and Suge Knight the situation.
我没开着辆SUV去撞他
I didn't hit him with an SUV.
我想帮你解决问题
I'm trying to help you with your problem.
你这样解决不了问题 皮特
It's kinda not how this works, Pete.
好吧 那
Okay. So...
-我 -我没事
- I just-- - It's fine.
-我知道了 抱歉 -没事
- I know. I'm sorry. - It's fine.
我正在西12街走着
I was walking on West 12th Street--
我在城区 在西12街
I was downtown, I was on West 12th Street,
我有天下午在城区 当时在城区走路
and I was downtown. I was walking one afternoon. I was downtown.
我朝着一个家伙走 他朝着我走
I'm walking towards this guy, he's walking towards me,
我们都在城区 他经过我时
and we're downtown. And as he walks past me,
他在打电♥话♥ 我听见他说
he's on his cell phone, and I hear him say,
不 不 不 我现在没法见你
"No, no, no, I can't meet right now.
我正在往城外走
I'm way uptown."
然后他朝我眨眨眼 继续打电♥话♥
And then he looked at me, he winked, and he kept walking.
他是我人生中遇到的最伟大的人
The greatest person I've ever met in my whole life.
我遇见的最伟大的人
Greatest person I've ever--
他应该当纽约市长
he should be declared mayor of New York City.
必须当市长 即使他可能有过性丑闻
Automatic mayor, even if he's had a sex scandal,
我觉得他很有可能有
which he probably has
如果在日常生活中 他就是这样表现的
if that's how he conducts himself on a day-to-day basis,
就像他在周三下午两点
if he's lying about his whereabouts
就自己的所在之处撒谎
at two o'clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday
同时还朝街边的路人眨眼
while eye-high-fiving random guys on the street.
大家掌声欢迎爱丽·瑞森
Please put your hands together for Ali Reissen, everybody!
你们好 我穿了件工装裤 希望你们谅解
How are you? I'm wearing overalls. Take it in.
我总觉得穿工装裤的时候
I always feel, like-- when I wear overalls,
我就像个潮人小孩
I feel like a hipster toddler.
就像"妈咪 我们可以听说唱歌♥手钱斯吗"
You know? "Mommy, can we pwease listen to Chance da Wapper?"
你们喜欢模仿吗
Do you guys like impressions?
很好
Cool.
我要学梅丽尔·思翠普试着接受称赞时的样子
This is Meryl Streep trying to take a compliment.
梅丽尔·思翠普
So it's... Meryl Streep,
她被人称赞的时候谦虚得要命 开始了
she's really trying to take a compliment. Here we go.
开始
Here we go.
不 不 不
Oh! Oh! No!
不 不
No! No!
不 不 不
No, no, no!
你 你 你 你 你
You, you, you, you, you!
你 你 你
You, you, you!
-你 你 你 不 -太棒了
- You, you, you, you! No! - Too good!
-你 你 你 -太棒了
- You, you! You! - Too good!
-太棒了 -你 你做的鳄梨酱才最好吃
- Too good! - You! You make the best guacamole!
你
You!
我要学梅丽尔·思翠普试图接受别人称赞的样子
This is Meryl Streep trying to take a compliment.
太棒了
Too good!
刚才那场太棒了
It's a good set.
不 不 不
No! No! No!
这声音是你吗
Is that you?
-不 不 不 -那个
- No! No! No! - I-- I mean...
-是你在笑吗 -太棒了
- Is that your laugh? - Too good!
你在喊 太棒了 吗
Are you saying, "Too good"?
是的 我觉得是我
Yeah, I think that's-- that's me.
我当时正好在摄像机旁边
I must've been right by the camera.
你的笑声毁了我的带子
Your laugh just ruined my tape.
太棒了
Too good!
你 你
You! You!
我 我想着大声笑
I-- I thought laughing loud would help--
有利于带动观众
would help to get the crowd going.