崩溃人生（2017）

就是说话只能"呃啊"这样 我不得不像
Just be like, "Uhhh!" I had to deal with him
对待灵犬莱西一样跟他交流
like I was dealing with Lassie,
我问他"什么事 孩子" 他"呃啊"
I'd be like, "What is it, boy?" You know, he'd be like, "Uhhhh!
咕哝着 我就回他
Uhhhh!" I'm like,
"不 今天是不是在健身房♥疯狂练腿呢"
"Oh, no, it was a hard leg day at the gym?"
我其实写了个跟它非常相似的笑话
I was actually writing a very similar joke to that.
"呃啊"
"Uhhh!"
"天啊 不 你的私教掉进井里了"
"Oh, no, your trainer fell in a well."
刚刚的表演真棒 你视频录好没
That was great. Did you get your tape?
没 没有 我讨厌这个地方
Uh, no. No, no, no. I hate this place.
抱歉 我只是 这里就像个闹鬼的滑雪小屋
Sorry. I just-- ugh-- it's like a haunted ski lodge.
是的 确实有那么一种气氛
Yeah, there's a vibe.
我觉得在那个屋子里就好像是在给
I feel like, in that room, it's like you're doing comedy
你取笑的那些人表演
for the people you're making fun of.
没错
Yes.
是吧 你站在台上 就好像
Yeah. You're up there, I'm like,
"我说的就是你"
"I'm talking about you!"
对 没错
Yeah! Exactly!
-"我举的例子说的就是你" -"就是你'
- "My examples are you!" - "Are you!"
是的 是的
Yeah. Yes.
-"你难道看不出很讽刺吗 -没错
- "You don't see the irony... - Yeah.
我居然在为你表演"
...of me performing for you?"
你这么说让我找到了点共鸣
That makes me feel a lot less alone.
-是的 我很高兴 -你应该再回来表演
- Yes. Oh, I'm glad. - You should come back.
随时都行
Any time you like.
我每晚都在这里
I'm here every night of the week.
你只要看到我门口 就可以安排你上台
You ever see me out front, we can throw you up.
我觉得你能来表演是他们的荣幸
I think they'd be lucky to have you.
谢了
Thanks.
皮特 搞得怎么样了 皮特
Petey. How do we look, Pete?
你好啊 这位是爱丽
Oh, what's up, man? Uh, this-- this is, uh, Ali.
爱丽刚上了台 她
Ali just went up, she's-
爱丽 皮特 搞得怎么样了
Hi, Ali, Pete. How do we look?
差不多一半了
Uh, you know, it's like about half, maybe?
我们之前是怎么谈的来着
What did we talk about earlier?
你说在你回来前我负责看门
Well, you said I could work the door until you got here, so...
在我回来前
Till I got here!
是 在你
Yeah. Till you-- so--
怎么 我现在是个幽灵吗
What am I, a fuckin' apparition?
传♥单♥拿好 角落拉客去
Fliers, hand, corner.
麦克道格街和西三街路口
MacDougal Street, West Third.
-很高兴 -快去 小白脸
- It was nice-- - Come on! Sweet cheeks!
好好 很高兴认识你
Okay. All right. Nice meeting you!
很高兴认识你
Uh, so nice to meet you.
等下
Hey, wait a second. Hey, hey.
什么事
Yeah?
你是哪
Where-- You know-- I mean--
我觉得女性都很 有趣
I think women are... funny.
是哦 挺好
Okay. Uh... cool.
记得告诉你的朋友 宣传一下
Just make sure to tell your friends. Spread the word.
真♥他♥妈♥ 我 我 我
Fuckin'... I-- I-- I--
我做错什么了
what am I doin' wrong?
大家总笑话我 因为我很容易受骗
People make fun of me 'cause I'm gullible.
这里有人也是这样吗
Anybody here gullible?
不是陷阱 不是陷阱
Not a trap. Not a trap.
都是好人
Yeah. Yeah. Good people.
老实人 我不明白为什么要把我们当成笑柄
Honest people. I don't understand why we're the butt of the joke,
容易上当的人 大家都笑话我
gullible people. People tease me,
"你太容易上当了 皮特贼好骗"
"Oh, you're so gullible. Pete's gullible."
这难道不是说明了我是个胸怀宽广的好人吗
Doesn't that just mean I'm an open-hearted, kind person?
你骗了我 我还相信你
You lie to me, I believe you,
我倒成了坏人了
I'm the asshole?
谢谢大家 非常感谢观看 祝晚上愉快
Thanks, guys, thanks very much. Have a good night.
我是皮特·福尔摩斯
I'm Pete Holmes.
我看见一群条子骑着马
Saw a group of cops on horses.
真搞笑 他们怎么找着工作的
How fuckin' ridiculous. Why do they have jobs?
他们能干点正经条子干的活儿吗
Can they do real cop stuff?
我每次看见他们 他们都是这样
'Cause every time I see 'em, they're like--
行吧 给我拍一张吧
Sure, I'll take a picture.
他们能打击犯罪吗
Can they foil crimes?
比如说 我偷了你的钱包拔腿就跑
Like, if I stole your wallet and ran,
他们是不是就这样
would they be like,
飞驰过去
Jumpin' over stuff.
他们也没法逮捕你 因为马背上没位置了
And they can't arrest you because there's no room.
他们不会说
Yeah, they're not gonna be like,
"你被捕了 上马"
"You're under arrest. Uh, get on."
老兄
Hey, man.
你不能站在这
You can't stand here.
我 我是皮特 我是个喜剧演员
I'm-- I'm Pete. I'm a comedian.
等下 你是皮特·福尔摩斯
Wait. You're Pete Holmes?
-是啊 -我之前见过你
- Yeah. - I've seen you before, man.
真的吗
Really?
你有一场表演
You did that set about
说你老婆上了另一个男人 对吧
your wife fuckin' another guy, right?
对 对 是我
Yeah. Yeah, that-- that was me.
我觉得家丑不宜外扬
I would keep that shit to myself, man.
我现在知道了
Yeah, I know now--
我并不引以为荣 我也挺后悔的
I'm not proud of that set, either. I regret it.
抱歉 家家都有本难念的经
Sorry, man. We all have our problems.
我不能让我老婆高♥潮♥
I can't make my wife have a orgasm.
祝你早日解决问题
I h-- I hope you figure that out.
谢了 承你吉言
Thanks, man. Appreciate that.
你还是不能站在这
You still can't stand there.
好吧 抱歉
Okay. Sorry.
我们在传道士酒吧
And-- And we're at the Friars,
杰利·路易斯在那坐着
and Jerry Lewis is sitting at a table there,
我走到他的经纪人面前
and I go to his manager,
掏出我的手♥机♥
and I take out my phone,
说"他会介意吗"
and I say, "Would he mind?"
他说"杰利不喜欢这样"
And he goes, "Jerry hates those.
他讨厌 别这样
He hates-- Don't try to do it."
所以我和路易斯打了招呼
And so I say hello to Lewis,
我说"我想你不会让我
and I say, "I guess you wouldn't like me
给你拍照" 他回道
to take a picture of you," And he goes,
"我要一拳揍在你的脸上"
"I would punch you in your fucking face."
或许他觉得你说的是手活
Maybe he thought you were talking about a hand job?
无意冒犯 但我听过类似的故事
I hate to say it, but I've heard the same story,
不过里面说的是莎莉·刘易斯
but it was Shari Lewis.
也不是在修道士酒吧
And it wasn't at the Friars Club,
在克利夫兰的一个公交车站
it was at a bus station somewhere in Cleveland.
是丹尼尔·戴·刘易斯
It was Daniel Day Lewis.
你说得对
Oh, well, there you go.
就像刘易斯和克拉克似的
Like Lewis and Clark, was like, um--
抱歉 他们叫到我了
Excuse me, I think they introduced me.
路易斯·卡罗
Lewis Carroll.
-回见 吉尔伯特 -再见 哥们
- See you later, Gilbert. - See you, man.
加油 吉尔
You the man, Gil.
-吉尔伯特·戈特弗里德 -对
- Gilbert Gottfried? - Yeah.
-他要上台吗 -你可以告诉他
- Is he goin' up? - Why don't you tell him
你最喜欢的电影是《小捣蛋》
your favorite movie is "Problem Child."
大家说我长得像约翰·瑞特
People say I look like John Ritter.
要是他有女儿的话就像了
Yeah, if he had a daughter.
应该是吧
I guess.
你过生日我们到底去不去小♥穴♥俱乐部了 丹
Hey, are we goin' to the Hole for your birthday or what, Dan?
-就是这么计划的 -对 丹的大日子
- Yeah, that's the plan. - Yeah, it's Dan's special day.
在后备箱醒来
He woke up in a trunk
浑身都是各个城市的贴纸
covered with stickers from different cities.
你是想说我像个口♥技♥艺人的道具娃娃吗
You're tryin' to say I look like a ventriloquist's dummy?
就是这意思
Yes, I am.
接着损我吧 我再也不干♥你♥了
Well, keep with the insults, and I'll never bang you.