崩溃人生（2017）

我们需要聊聊你的大学表演
We need to talk about your college act.
你什么意思 我没有大学表演
What do you mean? I don't really have a college act.
我只有我的表演
I just have my act.
这就是问题 好吗 这些孩子很敏感
Yeah, that's the problem, okay? These kids are super sensitive.
你不知道什么话题会让他们爆♥炸♥
You never know what's gonna set 'em off.
你成长在80年代 那个时候人人都觉得
You grew up in the '80s, when everybody thought bullying
校园暴♥力♥很好笑 很平常
was a hilarious and just normal part of life.
好吧 所以 怎么了
Okay, so, well, like, what?
-不要提到堕胎 -你看过我的表演吗
- Don't talk about abortion. - Have you seen my act?
不要耍小聪明
Yeah. No more gypping, okay?
不要谈吉普赛人或者任何地区的
You don't wanna talk about gypsies or really any type of group
任何族群 不要谈性♥爱♥ 好吗
from any area. You don't wanna talk about sex, okay?
-行 -不要讲强♥奸♥
- Okay, fine. - Don't talk about rape.
不要讲吸毒过量 自杀 火灾
Don't talk about overdosing, no suicide, no fire...
-都不要 -那我该说什么
- none of that. - So, what am I supposed to talk about?
你就聊聊世界上的荒谬之事
Just talk about the absurdities of the world
或者 观察某个现象
or like, make an observation,
然后谈谈它的奇怪之处
and then talk about what's weird about it.
太含糊了
I-- That's vague.
你可以说..."总有这样一个人"之类的
Just do, like, uh, do, like, "There's always one guy" Stuff.
-那是什么 -办公室里总有一个人
- What is that? - There's always one guy at the office
总是戴着帽子
who's always got a hat on.
总是戴着帽子
Always got a hat on?
我没有孩子
I don't have any kids,
但我看上去是不是像个有孩子的人
but doesn't it kind of feel like I do?
我就像一个搞笑老爸
I'm kind of like a fun dad,
烧烤聚会上的爸爸
the dad you see at a barbecue.
接住饮料
Fresca.
接住饮料
Fresca.
-起床吧 大日子 -不 不要
- Let's get up. Big day! - No, no.
我们不希望你们感觉自己受到审查
Obviously, we don't want any of you to feel censored
但是我强烈建议
in any way, but I strongly encourage,
如果你们表演中的创意或玩笑
if your creativity or banter within your performances
倾向于攻击 强♥奸♥ 自杀 种族等
skews towards things like assault, rape, suicide, race,
还是请你们转向其他方向吧
kindly steer that ship right on over to somewhere else.
还有火灾 他说不要讲火灾
Or fire. He said don't talk about fire.
只要是《生活大爆♥炸♥》会消音的就别说
If they would bleep it on The Big Bang Theory, don't do it. Okay?
我小的时候经常吃泡泡糖卷
When I was a kid, I always eating Bubble Tape.
你们还记得泡泡糖卷吗
You guys remember Bubble Tape?
天呐
Oh my-- yes, right?
太好吃了 简直是最好吃的泡泡糖
It's so good. It's like the best gum.
泡泡糖卷的好处在于
You know, and what's awesome about Bubble Tape,
它不是分成小块单独包装
instead of it being, like, individually wrapped little pieces,
"我要把泡泡糖放进信封里"
like, "Oh, ooh, I gotta put the gum in an envelope,"
你是谁啊 邮局吗
like, what is this, like, a post office or something?
而泡泡糖卷是
Bubble Tape, though, Bubble Tape was just
一条长到姥姥家的泡泡糖
one, like, long-ass piece o'gum!
长到姥姥家的泡泡糖
Long-ass piece o' gum!
我一般直接咬下去 像咬冰球一样
I would just bite into that thing like a hockey puck.
我还要
Nom! More for me!
我就是吃泡泡糖卷的甜饼怪
I was like a Cookie Monster but with Bubble Tape.
就像这样
I was like... Ohm, nom, nom, nom!
谢谢大家
All right, y'all. Thank you, guys.
谢谢
Thank you.
克莱·代顿
Clay Dayton!
你们懂的
You guys know what's up.
准备好欣赏下一个表演了吗
All right, are you guys ready for your next act?
掌声有请可爱又有才的
Please give it up for the lovely and talented
爱丽·瑞森
Ali Reissen!
天啊
Oh my God!
谢谢 天啊 很高兴来到这里
Thank you! Oh my God, it's so good to be here.
你们都在上大学 太棒了
So you guys are in college, that's pretty chill.
你们有室友吗
Yeah? You guys got roommates?
有
Yeah!
一言难尽
Yeah, that's a whole thing.
我大学的时候有个室友
I had a roommate in college,
她总是裸着走来走去
she would always walk around naked, you know?
她把自己的胸部称作"双胞胎"
She would always refer to her breasts as "The twins."
我觉得很搞笑 因为我见过那对双胞胎
Which I thought was funny, 'cause, I'm like, I've seen the twins,
它们是异卵的
and they're fraternal.
我不知道
I was like, I don't know
左边那个是不是来自同一个爸爸
if the left one is from the same father, you know?
她问"什么意思"
She was like, "What do you mean?"
我说"左边那个是黑的"
I'm like, "The left one's black," And, um...
不过现在大学有点吓人
Colleges are scary now, though,
很明显 你们有很多活动
like, you got a lot of activities, obviously.
你们会接触到很多事物
You can get involved in so many things.
比如运动 戏剧 强♥奸♥是个很大的问题
Uh, let's see, sports, theater, rape is pretty big.
如果你是个女生
Yeah, I mean, you know, if you're a girl,
去参加兄弟会派对
and you go to a frat party,
你就有可能会被迷♥奸♥
like, there is a chance that you could get roofied.
不要笑 这是很糟糕的事
Um, which-- Yeah, don't laugh at that, 'cause it's fucked.
但是 我觉得
But, uh, yeah, I think-- I think
我们把洛喜普诺简称为迷♥药♥
it's disgusting that we've shortened the word
是很恶心的事 洛喜普诺听起来
Rohypnol to roofie, right? It's like Rohypnol,
很严重 因为确实很严重 是强♥奸♥药物
it sounds, like, severe, 'cause it is severe, it's a rape drug.
我们叫它"迷♥药♥" 让它听起来很可爱
We're like, "Mm-hm, roofie," Like we made it cute...
简直是精神病 明白我的意思吗
...which is so demented. You know what I mean?
不能把很可怕的东西叫得这么可爱
You can't take something terrible and make it sound adorable,
这是不可接受的
that's not acceptable.
你永远都不会这么说 "我室友
Like, you would never be, like, "Yeah, my roommate,
她出了车祸 很悲惨
"She was in a car crash. It's actually really sad.
她的头蹦跶下来了 真是不幸
"Her head got de-cappied, and, um, yeah, it's a bummer.
那天还是911罹难者死翘翘的追悼日
"It was also on 9-elevzies, which is just, like,
时机不巧 不过没关系 没关系
"Really weird timing, but it's okay, it's okay.
司机 他被判终身关小黑屋
"The driver, he was sentenced to, um, life in priz.
永远关小黑屋"
"And... forev's in priz."
谢谢大家 我是爱丽·瑞森
Thank you, guys. I'm Ali Reissen.
祝大家今晚 今天玩的开心
Have a great night. I mean, day.
-爱丽·瑞森 -太令人兴奋了
- Ali Reissen! - This was exciting.
下一位表演者
This next performer,
你们可能在《周六夜现场》上见过她
you may know her from Saturday Night Live!
掌声欢迎梅利莎·维拉塞纳
Please welcome Melissa Villasenor!
你们太棒了
Hey, you guys are the best!
你们是夏奇拉的粉丝吗
Are you guys Shakira fans
现在可不一定了
Well, I don't know if you'll be now,
因为我都搞清楚了
'cause I've figured out something, okay?
我发现 我觉得她如果没有背景音乐
I realized, I don't think she's all that hot
就没有那么火♥辣♥了
if she didn't have background music.
如果只有她的歌♥声和舞姿
Like, if it was just that singing voice and her dancing,
就会是这样 *驼峰*
it'd be this... *Camel hump*
*我要和你翻云覆雨*
*I want to see you in my pants*
*让我脱下*
*Oh, hello! Let me take off*
拿几个徽章吧
Here have some pins.
你要徽章吗
Do you want a pin?
上面是我的小头像
It's my little head.
别在你的背包上
Put it on your backpack.
-我们等不及了 -十一月再见
- We can't wait. - See you in November.
我会来你们学校表演
I'm coming to your guys' campuses, right?
一定要预约我去你们学校演出 拿个帽子
You got to book me on your campus. Go ahead, you take a hat.
拿个帽子 考虑一下吧
Take a hat. Think about it, right?
太好玩了
This is fun.
你看到滑梯了吗
Did you see the slide?
看到了 看起来很好玩
I did, yeah. It looks really fun.
那边有个魔术师 他读出了我钱包里
There's a magician over there, he read the serial number
一张钞票上的序列号♥
on a bill that I had in my wallet.
他知道号♥码
He knew the number.
难以置信
That's crazy.
你的表现很精彩
You did great.
太残酷了 太...残酷了
This is brutal. This is... brutal.