崩溃人生（2017）

贝比·鲁斯 可惜是黑人太瘦还神经质
Babe Ruth-- but black and lean and jumpy.
-你为什么要一直这么做 -我是不是搞砸了
- Why do you always do that? - Am I ruining it? Yeah.
是啊 你又搞砸了 我只是想...
Yeah. You're always ruining it. I'm just trying to make it--
对不起
I'm sorry.
我的天
Holy shit!
-我的天 -你以前打过吗
- Oh, my God. - So, you ever play before?
我只玩过一点迷你高尔夫
No, I played, uh, mini-golf a little bit.
这就足够了 对吧
Well, there you go, that's all you need, right?
这并不算真正的运动
Yeah, this isn't really a sport.
这只是种... 只是种游戏
It's just a, uh... it's just a game.
你在说什么 这可是奥♥运♥会那种赛事的项目
What are you talking about? It's like in the Olympics and stuff--
感受一下这些衣服多舒服 看看这个
Feel how comfortable these clothes are. Look at this.
穿着裤子本来做不了这动作
You're not supposed to be able to do this with pants on.
这些裤子太舒服了
Like these pants are so comfortable,
我得一直低头看来确保我的老二没跑出来
I keep having to look down to make sure my dick isn't out.
我现在甚至都感觉不到自己穿了衣服
It doesn't even feel like I'm wearing clothes right now.
你知道为什么吗 就因为有很多
Do you know why that is? That's just because
不爱运动的肥佬很爱玩这游戏
so many unathletic fat fucks play this game.
兄弟 真♥相♥就是你在击球的时候
Dude, the fact that everybody has to shut up
所有人都得闭嘴 没人防守你
when you hit the ball, there's nobody guarding you,
如果你... 安静点
and if you-- Ooh! Simmer down!
安静点 各位
Simmer down, everybody!
他要击球了
He's gonna hit the ball! Shh!
你看过篮球比赛里的罚球吗
You ever watch somebody take a free throw in basketball?
当然
Ah, yeah, sure.
那场景就像有五千人要"操♥死♥你 操♥你♥妈♥"
There's like 5,000 people going, "Fuck you! Fuck your mother!"
而这玩意甚至都不会动
And this thing here, it's not even moving.
他们换过了球杆
Dude, they've changed the clubs.
本来是木头做的
These used to be made out of wood.
但对来说他们太重了
It was too heavy for 'em.
对那些奸诈的银行骗子们来说太重了
Too heavy for these cheating banker cunts, right?
好了 开始吧
Of course, here we go.
你要做的就是 不看这里
So all you do, is you just, you don't look there.
你只需要这样... 再那样
You just go like this... and you go like that.
看看 我的天
Look at that! Jesus Christ!
你就得这么打高尔夫
That's how you play golf.
那是因为你们在讲话
That's 'cause you were talkin'!
抱歉
Sorry.
-好的 我... -放松就好 放松
- All right, I-- - Now just relax, just relax.
这不重要
This-- This doesn't-- This doesn't matter.
好了
That's all right!
加油 滚 滚 滚
Come on, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll!
好吧 你把它打到...
All right, you take it to fucking--
我在那再打一次吗
I hit it again there?
挺好的 把楔子带走
That's great. You take the wedge out.
好吧 我们要上车吗
All right. Do we get in the cart? Huh?
我们离开前
Well, you'll probably want to hit that thing
你得先打中那个球
before we get out of here.
-我载你过去 -快来载我
- I'll drive you up to it. - I need a ride--
你的家庭是怎样的
What was your family like?
有朋友来的时候总是很尴尬
You know, always awkward when there was a friend over.
你父母不知道你带了朋友来
Your parents don't know you have a friend over,
他们就开始吼 你就会...
and they start yelling and you're like...
那真是太糟了
Oh, that was the worst!
那是最糟的事 你就得编个借口
That's the worst, then you got to, like, make up an excuse.
要是有几个朋友看见你父母吵架
You get those few friends that have watched your parents fight,
你就会想"我们可是铁哥们了"
you're like, "Oh, well, we're gold now."
-你知道我来自波士顿吧 -是的
- You know I'm from Boston. - Yeah.
我知道 我想不通
I know. That blows my mind
因为我根本没听到波士顿口音
'cause I don't hear the accent at all.
你最喜欢的波士顿方言是什么
What's your favorite Boston word?
我的是"烤盘大龙霞[虾]"
Mine's "Baked stuffed lobsta!"
老兄 每一年我生日
Dude, every year for my birthday,
我们都会去最好吃的圆地店
we go to the last fucking Ground Round.
那些花生都还在地上
The fucking peanuts, still on the floor!
我阿姨总是很森[生]气
My aunt always gets fucking shatta'd,
开始跟我麻麻[妈妈]吵架
starts arguin' with my motha!
我们现在真♥他♥妈♥蠢蛋
We're being fucking pricks right now!
我们超车啦 混旦[蛋] 抱歉
We're cutting through, ya cocksuckas! Sorry!
你的单身生活如何
Hey, so how are you enjoyin'
兄弟 一定很棒
the single life, man, it must be great.
不太一样
You know, it's different.
我...
I'm-- I'm, uh--
你有在外面钓过什么妹子吗
Yeah, you tagging anybody out there?
我确实睡过别人
You know, I-- I've dipped my beak.
拜托告诉我你戴了避孕套
Well, just please tell me you're wearing a condom, man.
是的 我很怕得性病
Yes. I'm terrified of STDs.
对 也不想搞大别人的肚子啊
Yeah, you don't wanna knock anybody up, either,
你懂我意思吗
you know what I mean?
我不想...
I don't wanna...
然后你就得面对死亡什么的 是吧
Then you got to deal with the death of that shit, right?
我不是反对堕胎 但是...
Not that I'm against abortion or anything, but, like...
这是个很复杂的问题
Well, it's a complicated issue.
真不是 你放弃了一条生命
It really isn't. You're aborting a life.
我不是什么生命至上主义者
I'm not-- I'm not a fucking right-to-lifer,
但对于那些人 他们堕了胎
but, like, for those people who fuckin'-- you have an abortion,
还坐着说他们没有杀人 真是狗屁
to sit there and say they didn't kill somebody, it's bullshit.
因为如果你没有
'Cause it's like, if you didn't do
做你做了的事 就会有个小孩出生
what the fuck you did, there would be a kid.
两个白人男性在高尔夫球场上
Just two white men on a golf course
讨论生育权
discussing reproductive rights.
不 不过是直言不讳
No, just own up to it.
他们这么说只是因为那看起来还不像个婴儿
They're just sayin' because it doesn't look like a baby yet,
那不是个婴儿
it's not a baby.
让她们生下来啊
It's like, well, let 'em finish.
就像蛋糕糊 就像一盘蛋糕糊...
It's like cake batter. It's like it's a tray of cake batter...
没错 完全正确
Perfect. Exactly!
对 他们看了眼蛋糕糊就走了
Yeah, and then they look at the batter and go,
"那不是蛋糕 我没有毁了你的生日"
"Well, that's not a cake. I just didn't ruin your birthday."
但事实是"它本来会是块蛋糕"
It's like, "It was gonna be a cake. "
-只要你把它放进烤箱 -没错
- If you left it in the oven. - Exactly.
我能用这段吗
Hey, can I use that?
当然可以
Yeah. Of course.
真的吗 你不介意吗
That's cool? You all right with that?
-我不想冒犯 -请便 我很荣幸
- I don't wanna be weird. - Please, I'd be honored.
好吧 行 你的球在哪
All right, cool. Where's your ball?
我没把它打到洞旁边
I didn't get it anywhere near the hole.
所以我也不该担心会把别人搞怀孕
Which is why I shouldn't worry about getting anyone pregnant.
有一天 我在机场
I was in the airport the other day, right?
我就坐在那边等我的航♥班♥ 一边厌恶人生
I'm sitting there waiting for my flight, just hating my life
看到一位女士在吃吉士蛋麦满分汉堡
watching this-- watching this lady, she's eating Egg McMuffins,
吃了两个 三个都吃了
like, plural, it's just-- like, three of 'em!
像鹈鹕一样顺喉而下
Right down her throat like a pelican!
直接顺着食管滑了下去
Like, right down her gullet!
她吃完以后用袋子擦了脸
And when she was done, she wiped her face with the bag!
用袋子
With the bag!
酷圣石冰淇淋
一杯爱慕巧克力
One Chocolate Devotion.
听上去就像男人男孩组合的歌♥
Sounds like a Boyz II Men song.
慢用
Enjoy.
你好 兄弟
What's up, man?
有点奇怪 我从没见你
This is a little weird, I've never seen you
走出过恐怖梨酒吧
outside of the-- of the Grisly Pear.
我从没在白天见过你
I've never seen you in the daylight.
我能为你做点什么吗
Can I-- Can I get you something?
-你想要... 我能帮你做 -不
- You want s-- I can hook you up. - No, actually, uh,
其实我是来找你谈谈的 但也可以
I came here to talk to you. But also... yeah.
我要曲奇 奶油和彩虹糖
Let me get, uh, Cookies and Cream and, uh, Skittles.
喜欢果味奶油是吧
Fruity creamy guy, huh?
怎么了 有什么事
So, uh... what's up? What's going on?
我来找你谈谈代理的事