崩溃人生（2017）

Ooh, tied up, Jeff.
你更喜欢谁
Who do you like?
你们两个都有些很棒的段子
Well, you both had some great jokes,
你俩都很棒
you both killed.
这有点纠结 萨拉是从南部来的
This is tricky. Sarah's from the South,
但迈克看起来像个南军将领
but Mike looks like the Confederate general
她的猫就叫这名字
she named her cat after.
我觉得这次迈克胜出了 祝贺你 炸♥弹♥客
I think Mike squeaked this one out. Congrats, Unabomber.
迈克·劳伦斯获胜
That's Mike Lawrence!
下一轮的挑战者们要上场了
That brings us to our next challengers.
她是左倾犹太人 他爸在他2岁时就离开了
She's a left-leaning Jew, his dad left when he was two.
"黑人的命也是命"对决"复♥制♥娇妻"
It's Black Lives Matter versus Stepford Wives.
热烈的掌声送给达米安·莱蒙和爱丽·瑞森
Make it loud for Damien Lemon and Ali Reissen!
勇士们 准备好了吗
Battlers, are we ready?
是的 我觉得这会是场公平竞争
Oh, yeah, I mean, I think this is gonna be a fair battle,
因为就算我有更多吐槽的经验
'cause even though I have more experience roasting,
达米安在评委[法官]面前更有经验 所以
Damien has more experience speaking in front of judges, so...
同意
Hear, hear.
有罪
Guilty.
说到评委[法官]
Speaking of judges,
这是我最像OJ·辛普森的一次
this is the closest I've felt like O.J. Simpson,
因为我马上要谋杀这个白种贱♥人♥
because I'm about to murder this white bitch
然后毫发无伤地离开这
and walk off Scot-free!
影射辛普森杀妻案
无罪 无罪 无罪
Not guilty! Not guilty! Not guilty!
好了好了 保留点你们的热情
All right, all right. Save that heat.
谁想先来
Who wants to go first?
女士优先
Ladies first.
我完全同意 达米安
Oh, I totally agree. Damien?
-达米安你先来 开始吐槽吧 -很公平
- Whoa! Damien, you're up. Let's roast! - Fair enough.
吐槽 吐槽 吐槽
Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast!
爱丽 我上MTV
Ali, I'm on MTV.
我觉得你也应该在
I think you should be, too.
你知道吗 你有《少女妈妈》一样的身材
You know? You got the body of a Teen Mom,
有《鲶鱼》一样的脸
you got the face of a Catfish,
你下面《狂野与开放》
and your pussy is Wild 'n Out!
狂野 狂野
Wild 'n! Wild 'n! Wild 'n! Wild 'n!
这段子比达米安的信用评分还弱
That joke was weaker than Damien's credit score.
现在 听着
Now, listen...
这是事实 达米安 你被好多角色挑中
It's true, Damien, you book a lot of roles,
即使你是个很差劲的演员
even though you're a shitty actor.
每次拍摄前 导演必须大叫
Before each take, the director has to yell,
"平权...行动[开拍]"
"Affirmative... action!"
爱丽 你看着像是白人特权有了人力资源部
Ali, you look like if white privilege had a HR department.
达米安 你像是一个经常去理发店的黑鬼
Damien, you look like a black ghost that haunts barber shops.
爱丽 你的名字很美
Ali, your name is beautiful.
你知道吗 你的父母
You know, your parents
用怀上你的地点来给你起名
named you after the place you were conceived.
托尼 我是皮特·福尔摩斯
Hey, Tony. Pete Holmes.
我们要互相吐槽对方
Uh, we're roasting each other.
你以前干过这个吗
Have you done this before?
我不想说话
I'd rather not talk.
你说什么
Excuse me?
我说的话可能会
It's just, anything I say could be something
被你用来攻击我
that you use against me.
不会的 我已经写好了我的段子
Oh, no, I-- I already wrote my jokes.
根本就算不上刻薄
They're not even that mean.
你的呢
Are-- are yours?
说真的 休战吧 我们可以随便侃大山
Serious. Truce, you know, we can just shoot the breeze.
我不...
I-- I-- I don't--
看吧 现在我知道你说"侃大山"之类的话
See? Now I know you say things like "Shoot the breeze,"
而且你的手特别柔软
and that you have really soft hands.
手还容易出汗
They're sweaty, too.
爱丽 你的笑话很棒 真的很棒
Ali, you had some great jokes, some really great jokes,
超级好笑 我投你一票
super hilarious. You got my vote.
谢谢你
Thank you.
贝思·斯特林 你喜欢谁
Beth Stelling, who do you like?
我选爱丽
I pick Ali!
爱丽获胜
Ali wins!
-拥抱一下吧 -抱歉啦
- Hug each other! - Sorry!
抱歉
Sorry!
-皮特 -什么
- Peter! - What?
伙计 抱歉迟到了 我们错过什么了吗
Hey, man, sorry we're late. Did we miss anything?
没有 你们怎么来了
No. What... What are you doing here?
我们是来支持你的 兄弟
We came here to support you, brother.
是的 利夫在你的图享网上看到了
Yeah, Leif saw it on your Instagram.
而且坦白说
And, I mean, frankly,
我想象不出你会怎么吐槽别人 所以...
I couldn't imagine you roasting anyone, so...
好吧 你以前从不来看我的演出
Yeah. Yep. You never used to come to my shows,
所以有点...
so it's a little bit... you know,
看到你有点震惊
it's jarring to see you, you know.
我只是来支持你
I-- I'm being supportive.
好吧 谢谢你
Yeah... you are, thank you.
谢谢你们两个 我们去看看...
Thank you both. Why don't we see if the--
这是谁
Hey, who's this?
-我是利夫 这是杰茜 -杰茜
- Hey, man, I'm Leif. This is Jess. - Hi. Jess.
你也参赛吗
Are you competing, too?
没错 今晚皮特和我
Yeah, Pete and I are roasting
-吐槽对方 -吐槽对方
- each other tonight. - Roasting each other.
天啊 不过要当心
Oh, boy. Careful though,
因为他看上去良善 其实不是
'cause he looks really sweet, but he's not.
他一直吐槽我来练手
He practices his roasting on me all the time.
明白了 你们到底是谁来着
I see. And who are you, exactly?
-不 -其实很简单 说来有趣又精彩
- No. - No, it's a short, fun, cool story.
我并不觉得这事有趣
I don't really think that's a fun story.
他可是要吐槽我的人
Not for the guy who's roasting me.
他... 我们的生活交织在一起
Well, he's-- We're intertwined souls.
-不 不 不 -我们曾是夫妻
- No. No. No. - We were married.
-所以这是... -现在我们是室友
- Ah! This is the... - Now we're roommates.
-别说了 停 -是的 这没什么
- No! Stop that! - We were. It's not a big deal.
他是我们的朋友
He's our friend.
不同世界撞一起了 我喜欢...
This is worlds colliding, I like my--
可还是同一星系 皮特 同一星系
One galaxy, though, Peter. It's the same galaxy.
-不同世界碰撞 -现在都无所谓了
- Worlds colliding-- - It doesn't matter now.
我们去看看能不能给你们找到座位吧
Why don't we see if there are seats for you guys?
-好的 -很高兴认识你
- Okay, great. - Good to see you.
-祝你好运 -很高兴认识你们
- Hey, good luck! - Good to meet you guys.
托尼·欣奇克利夫看起来像学校的学生
Tony Hinchcliffe looks like a schoolboy,
皮特·福尔摩斯看着像家里蹲大学的
and Pete Holmes looks homeschooled.
掌声欢迎皮特·福尔摩斯和托尼·欣奇克利夫
Make it loud for Pete Holmes and Tony Hinchcliffe!
准备好了吗 先生们
All right, are we ready to do this, gentlemen?
-是的 -是的 我上台前就见到了皮特
- Yes. - Yeah. I, uh, I met Pete before the show.
他的手特别粘腻 他都不需要自♥慰♥
His hand's so clammy that he doesn't masturbate,
手汗都能把老二淹了
he just waterboards his own dick.
这就开始了吗
Are-- are we starting?
没错
Yes.
我还以为你说了"各位 开始吐槽"才算
I thought you had to say, "Let's roast, everybody."
你随时都可以搞笑 皮特
Well, you could be funny anytime you want, Pete,
你面前就有麦克风
there's a microphone in front of you.
我想按规矩来
I'd like to... play by the rules.
-天啊 -好吧 开场不错
- Jesus! - Okay, good-- good intro.
谁想先来
Who wants to go first?
让皮特先吧
Let Pete go first,
他急着回去做
he has to get back to being the Muppet
维护《芝麻街》规矩的布偶
that's gonna gentrify Sesame Street.
我不介意先来
I-- I don't mind-- I don't mind going first.
我不像在座的女士们一样介意托尼跟着我
Uh, unlike all the women here, I don't mind if Tony follows me.
小怼 皮特 托尼 开始吐槽吧
Soft jab. Pete, Tony, let's roast!
托尼 你为什么脸拉这么长
Hey, Tony, um... why the extremely long face?
就这样吗
Is that it?
是的 你看上去很绝望
Uh, yeah, you look forlorn.