崩溃人生（2017）

Let's give a nice shout out to Kenny DeForest
-祝贺他以后不在高中打篮球了 -对
- for quitting high school basketball. - Yeah.
大家把祝贺声也送给黑黑的巴特·辛普森吧
Hey, also, keep it going for black Bart Simpson, everybody.
我觉得他真的是一个特别的人
I think this guy is really something special.
掌声有请长大了的巴特·辛普森
Give it up for adult Bart Simpson.
掌声有请丽莎
Give it up for Lisa.
该死 爱丽把
Oh shit. Ali brought this
这个像保罗·班扬一样的混账东西救活了
Paul Bunyan-looking motherfucker through.
他刚被犹他爵士队裁掉
He just got cut by the Utah Jazz, man.
吉米·琼斯的侄子 发明胸前传球的
Hey, Jimmy Jones' nephew, everybody, invented the chest pass.
美国第一中锋
America's first center.
跟你♥爸♥学学吧
Do it like your daddy.
这样合法吗 这像一个大学聚会
Is this even legal? I mean, it's like a college party.
我喜欢每个人在人群中的样子
I like how everyone in the crowd--
在我的学校 我们没有聚会
At my college, we didn't have parties.
我们有祷告聚会
We had prayer parties.
有时候我们会 我们会跳摇摆舞
Some times we'd-- we'd swing dance.
这是一个摸女生腰的好机会
Fun excuse to touch a lady's waist.
我打赌他们会让你上去表演
I bet they'd put you up, actually.
真的吗 好吧
Really? Uh, yeah.
对 五分钟左右
Yeah, like five minutes.
吉娜薇
Hi, Guinevere!
-最近怎么样 -两分钟后你上场
- How's it going? - Have you up in two.
-好的 -这像一大杯伏特加苏打的人是谁
- Okay, cool. - Who's this tall drink of vodka soda?
我认识你吗 感觉认识 我们在哪见过吗
Do I know you? I feel like I know you. Have we met before?
应该不认识 我是个喜剧演员
I-- I don't think so. I'm a comedian.
-我是皮特 -我怎么会不认识你呢
- I-- I'm Pete. - Hmm. Why don't I know you?
我不知道 这个房♥间是你订的吗
I-- I don't know. Is...You book this room?
对 还有电影里音乐学院 酒吧和蜡烛厂
Yeah. Yeah. And Whiplash, Bar Chooch, and the Candle Factory.
我不知道你在说什么
I mean-- I don't know what those words are.
你是外地人吗
Are you from out of town?
不 他住在这
No, no, he lives here.
-嗯 -他可以...
- Uh, yeah. - He could-- he
如果你们有空档的话 他可以上去表演
could probably go up if you guys have room.
-没有空档就算了 -看看吧
- Only if you have room. - Hmm. We'll see.
埃弗龙 你的啤酒我有在数着
Efron! I'm counting your Michelobs.
我真的有身体畸形
I do have body dysmorphia.
我觉得是我奶奶遗传给我的
I think I get it from my grandma.
她总是说我有"腿踝"
She always told me that I had cankles.
她说 你有"腿踝"
She was like, "You have cankles,"
如果你们不知道那是什么
which if you don't know what that is,
那是一部分小腿 和一部分脚踝
it's part calf, part ankle.
当然你们可以把我的大腿也混进来
Also you can throw my thighs in the mix.
我有"大腿踝"
I have thankles. And, uh--
我奶奶跟我说这些的时候
and my grandmother said that to me,
我回答说 太扯了
and I was like, "Oh, that's crazy,
因为奶奶 你有"阴嘴"
'cause, Grandma, you have mount."
她就说"什么东西" 我就回答
She's like, "What is that?" I'm like,
"阴嘴"就是嘴巴加阴♥道♥
"That's 'mouth' mixed with 'cunt.'
你的嘴能当阴♥道♥用
You have cunt mouth."
你们喜欢模仿秀吗 那就走一个
Do you guys like impressions? Great. Here we go.
有人说蟑螂能在核毁灭中活下来
They say that cockroaches will survive the nuclear holocaust.
那雷达杀虫剂里面是有什么成分
So-- so what is in Raid...
比核毁灭还可怕
that's worse than a nuclear holocaust?
我还应该把雷达放在食品柜里
And should I be keeping it in the pantry
和干货放一起吗
next to my dry goods?
可能从我这个喜剧演员嘴里说出来很奇怪
Sorry. I know this is weird for a comedian to say,
不过我不习惯笑声
but I'm not used to laughing.
如果带你们去别的俱乐部
I should-- I should take you with me to other clubs,
你们就知道这个笑话一般会有什么反应
so you should see how that joke normally does.
我没有小孩
I-- I don't know. This is-- I-- I don't have kids.
我跟我朋友讲说 我没有孩子
I was talking with a friend of mine. I don't-- I don't have kids,
但我看上去是不是像个有孩子的人
but doesn't it kinda feel like I do?
-对 -虽然我没有孩子
- Yeah! - Yeah, I don't have any,
但我感觉我是个会让人尴尬的爸爸
but I kinda feel like a-- like an embarrassing dad,
很呆 会在烧烤的时候
like a dorky-- like an embarrassing dad at a barbecue,
走到孩子们跟前
just kinda going up to the kids, going...
说"接住饮料"之类的
"Fresca!" Like that.
他还挺搞笑的吧
He's funny, right?
再努力个三年吧
He'll be funny in three years.
我女朋友让我
A girlfriend of mine made me--
-太棒了 -太好玩了
- Yeah. - That was so fun.
-你表现得很好 -这是
- You had a great set. - Yeah, it was--
这是我表现最好的一次
That was like the best set I've ever had.
-真的吗 挺棒的 -是
- Really? That's awesome. - Yes.
-谢谢 -别客气
- Thank you. - Yeah, of course.
你呢 你刚刚也表现得很棒
What about you? That was a great set.
-你录下来了吗 -没 我有点没做好
- Did you you get your tape? - Nah. I flubbed a bit.
早知道我就把自己的录下来了
God, I wish I had taped mine.
我录了
I did.
是的 我没关录像机
Yeah, I just left it running.
-是吗 -举手之劳而已
- What? - Really, it was fine. It's so easy.
-谢谢 -别客气了
- Thank you. - You're so welcome.
再去哪呢
So what? Where next?
我们去"乱斗"
We're going to Rififi.
乱-斗
Rififi!
真是朗朗上口
Say it again.
-你觉得他们会让我上台吗 -不会
- Do you think they'll let me up or-- - Nope.
我把你变成贪婪的怪兽了
I've created a monster.
他们不会让你上台的
They will not let you up.
我花了两年才加入他们
It took me like two years to get in there.
-真的吗 -是的
- Really? - Yup.
还没离婚的时候 我在这里表演
You know, when I was married, I used to do mikes in the city,
我会把帝国大厦拍给她看
and I would send her photos of the Empire State building
告诉她当晚是什么颜色的灯光
to show her what color it was that night.
今天的很漂亮
This is a good one.
这是你的撩妹招数吗
Is that your flirt strategy,
提起你的前妻
just bringing up your ex
-不 我 -不要紧
- No, I-- I-- - It's fine. It's fine.
-是个高招 -好吧
- It's quite a dick pick. - Yes.
她怎么回你的短♥信♥呢
What did she text back? Just like...
发张荷兰隧♥道♥的照片吗
A photo of the Holland Tunnel?
她不会 她并不会回应我
No, she wasn't--she wasn't really-- She didn't do bits.
那还蛮扫兴的
That's a bummer.
抱歉 我习惯离婚的状态了
I'm--I'm sorry. I'm just kind of getting used to being a divorcé.
我是个离婚男子
I'm a divorcé.
我觉得这个词不是很贴切
I don't think that's a great word for it.
听起来像是开心的事情
It sounds like a happy thing,
就像未婚夫 碧昂丝 侃爷[尾音相似]
like fiancé, Beyoncé, or Kanye.
-令人高兴 -是的 让人高兴
- These are happy-- - Right, right. It's a happy--
感觉应该是个让人高兴的词
It feels like it should be a happy word.
而不是 "我是个离婚男子"
Than... "Oh, I'm a divorcé."
像一堆要清洗的脏衣服
Like a pile of laundry waiting to be cleaned.
我不知道这灯光还会变化
I never really noticed that it changed.
这是我最喜欢的加勒比周的灯光
That's Caribbean Week. It's my favorite.
你当然会有最喜欢的灯光
Of course you have a favorite.
想起奥普拉·温弗瑞 你会觉得
You know, Oprah Winfrey-- you would think
这么多年来 她是最有钱有影响力的女人
out of all the years, the most powerful lady, richest,
但是我从来
but I've never in my life
没听说过有别的孩子叫奥普拉的
have ever heard of another child named Oprah.
你呢 你听说过吗
Have you though? I mean, have you ever?
-值得思考 -我打赌一定有
- Something to think about. - I mean, I bet there is one.
-在哪儿 我想可以 -但是在哪儿呢
- But where? I guess you could-- - But where?
-我猜马里兰州 -亚历克斯 我问你
- I mean, I would guess Maryland. - Alex. Let me ask.
亚历克斯 除了主要的奥普拉
Alex, is there more Oprahs
还有其他叫奥普拉的吗
out there other than the main Oprah?
亚历克斯
Alex.
准备好唱30秒单口相声了吗
You guys ready for 30-second stand-up comedy?
一起来
Let's hear it!
一二三四 *30秒 30秒*
One, two, three, four! *30 seconds, 30 seconds*
*30秒单口相声*