崩溃人生（2017）

小♥穴♥俱乐部是什么
What's the Hole?
联合滑稽表演
Burlesque joint.
男的上台 小个子男的长个大家伙
It's guys on stage, one little guy with a big dick,
大个子男的长个特别小的
one giant guy with a really small,
-一丢丢的家伙 -挺可怕的
- Tic Tac dick, right? - Scary.
你只要带一把雨伞一条毛巾
All you gotta bring is an umbrella and a towel,
就足够了
and you're good.
带什么雨伞毛巾
What do you mean bring an umbrella and a--
他不去
he ain't goin'.
-为什么 -我是寿星 我说了算
- What? - With my birthday, my rules.
我对他没意见 但是我不认识他
I got nothin' against him, but I don't know the guy,
我希望身边都是我喜欢的人以及戴夫
I wanna be surrounded by people I like and Dave.
算了 丹 让他去吧 别婆婆妈妈的了
Come on, Dan, let him go and stop your yappin'.
我有选择的权利
I'm allowed to pick!
知道吗 不带你 就这么定了
You know what? You're not comin', it's settled.
你太一本正经了 这地方你来不了
Y-- You're a man of God. You cannot come to this.
不说别的 在这人旁边我都硬不起来
I-- First of all, I couldn't get an erection next to this guy,
那样太别扭了
it'd be-- it'd be too weird.
我和阿迪达成共识了
See? Me and Artie are on the same page.
人总是要坚定立场的
People gotta put their foot down.
我在这为你祝福吧
I-- I'll stay here and pray for you.
我还寻思你干点什么呢 保重 再见
Yeah, I was wondering what you were doin'... Take care, bye.
出发去小♥穴♥俱乐部
Okay, to the Hole!
抱歉
Sorry.
这有人吗
Is this, uh, empty?
没人 请坐
Yeah, no... please.
这帮人喝完了吧
These people are done with these, right?
是的 你要是想喝威士忌就喝吧
Yeah, yeah, yeah... unless you want some whiskey.
不 我不喝酒 从来没喝过
Oh, no, I don't drink. Never have.
-我不喝 -你不喝酒
- I-- I'm not-- - You're not-- - You don't drink?
不怎么喝
No, not really.
禁酒主义者 还是不常喝
Teetotaler or just-- not-- don't drink often?
从小到大就是受到教育就是少碰这些东西
I-- I-- I was raised not to really... partake too much.
我也是
Me too.
-是吗 -我父母从来不喝
- Really? - My parents never did.
-新教♥徒♥吗 -是的
- Protestant? - Yeah.
小时候是
I mean, when I was a child, yes.
我叫佩恩 佩恩·吉利特
M-- My name is Penn. Penn Jillette.
我知道 你是一个特别棒的魔术师
I know you're-- you're a wonderful magician.
-谢谢 -我特别喜欢魔术
- Oh, thank you. - I love magic.
-谢谢 -我真心喜欢
- Oh, thanks. - I really do.
我等着你介绍自己呢
W-- And I was hoping you'd say your name.
抱歉 我叫皮特
Sorry, it's Pete.
你好 皮特 很高兴认识你 皮特
Pete, hello, Pete. Nice to meet you. Peter.
但你现在是无神论者了 对吗
But you're a-- you're a big atheist now, right? I mean--
是的 很长时间了
Yeah. I have been for a long time.
成人之后一直都是
I-- I guess my whole adult life.
我觉得我是摆脱不了了
I stuck with it, I guess.
是吗
Oh, did you?
耶稣仍然是我的副飞
Jesus is still my co-pilot.
他人不错 也不喝酒
He's great. He doesn't drink either.
-是吗 -飞行特别平稳
- Oh, really? - Very-- Very smooth flight.
我以为还喝葡萄酒什么的 不是喝圣酒吗
I thought there was the wine thing. Isn't there the wine?
就那一次
You know-- it was one miracle...
其它时间他都不喝酒的
The rest of the time he was pretty dry.
你真的相信吗
You really do believe?
-嗯 -基♥督♥上帝
- Yeah. - Christian god?
基♥督♥ 对 三个我都信
Chris-- Yeah. All three.
我不是不尊重你啊
I mean, I don't wanna be dismissive,
但是你真的相信有人
but you actually believe that there's a being
关心你的 原谅我这么说
that cares about, forgive me,
关心你的手♥淫♥ 关心你所做的一切吗
but your masturbation? Cares about everything you do?
没错 我们之间
Yeah, you-- you know, we make--
你一点都没有怀疑过吗
And you don't have any gnawing doubts about that?
你会不会觉得
You don't think that maybe you're--
或许你放任一些原本美好的事物
you're letting things slide by you
-从你身边溜走了 -比如什么
- that could be more beautiful? - Like what?
比如生活
Like life?
所以你不相信有神在注视着我们
So you don't-- you don't believe in something watching us,
维持一切正常运转吗
something keeping all of this going?
我不确定上帝究竟是否存在 但是我不知道
I'm not sure there's no God, but I don't know.
人类历史上最伟大的变革
The most important revolution in human history,
比农耕还要伟大
more important than agriculture,
比写作还要伟大
more important than writing,
那就是科学革命
is the scientific revolution.
总结下来就是三个字
Came down to three words:
不知道
I don't know.
没有组织 没有教堂 没有国王
And no institution, no church, no king,
没有任何权力结构曾经说过
no power structure had ever said in history,
"不知道"
"I don't know."
如果你错了呢 我永远不会
I just-- What if you're wrong? I mean-- I-- I-- could never--
如果你是错的呢
What if you're wrong?
如果我错了 不管怎么样 我都没关系
What if I'm wrong? I-- I-- I mean, either way, I'm good.
-你是对的 -不不不 不是这样的
- You're right-- - No, no, that's not true.
这就是"帕斯卡赌注"的症结所在
I mean, that's-- that's the problem with Pascal's Wager,
选择不唯一
is there's more than one choice.
你可以一辈子拍耶稣的马屁
You could spend your whole life prayin' your ass off to Jesus,
到最后发现上帝其实是宙斯
and then find out that it's actually Zeus,
而他不喜欢你向耶稣祈祷
and he doesn't like you praying to Jesus.
我享受信仰带给我的确定性
I-- I-- I-- I'm enjoying the certainty I get from my faith.
你根本不确定
You don't have certainty.
-我确定 -你不确定
- I do. - No, you don't.
我确定的
I do.
意念给不了你确定性
You can't get certainty just by willpower.
你不能强迫自己信仰
You can't force yourself to believe things
无证可循的事物 根本不可能
that you don't have evidence for. You just can't do it.
你不能强迫获得确定性
You can't force certainty.
我只有这个了 我不能
Yeah, but this-- this is all I have. I mean, I-- I can't--
我从小受到的教育就是这样 我不能
This is how I was raised, I can't just...
就因为你说的有点道理 我就放弃信仰
put it aside because you make some sense.
我很难承认你说的真的很有道理
I mean, it's hard for me to admit that you're making some sense.
我理解 信仰很难改变 非常难
Yeah, I-- I-- I dig that. It's hard to change. It's really hard.
就像对我这个年龄的人来说
It's hard for someone my age
很难承认甲壳虫乐队没那么优秀一样
to admit that the-- the Beatles weren't that good.
-道格·本森 -你好啊
- Doug Benson. - Hey!
你认识佩恩·吉利特吗
Do you know Penn Jillette?
他就在里面 那个魔术师
Yeah, he's in there, right? The magician?
有一次我看见他把一整盘的玉米片变没了
I once saw him make a whole plate of nachos disappear.
我原来以为万物都是一体的
I just thought everything was one thing,
但是事实上它们都是虚无的
but it turns out it might be nothing.
万物都是虚无的
Everything is nothing?
-万物 -太不好玩了
- Yeah, everything-- - That's not cool.
怎么可能是虚无的呢
How can everything be nothing?
因为我们没有
Because we don't-- ahh--
这可是万物啊
It's everything.
但是你知道吗
But do you know?
知道万物吗
About everything?
如果是宙斯呢
What if it was Zeus?
如果是这个 而且他很生气
What if it was this one and now he's mad,
当你死去的时候 就有可能
and now you die, and chances are...
谁是宙斯
Who's Zeus?
我就是这个意思 谁是上帝
That's my point. Who's God?
谁是上帝 你知道吗
Who is god? Do you know?
宙斯
Zeus?
如果你一直向耶稣祈祷
What if you've been praying to Jesus
但是上帝却是宙斯呢
and it was Zeus?
耶斯
Je-Zeus.
妈妈 我能进去吗 里面太好玩了
Mom, can we go inside? It's so cool!
我是来参加丹的生日聚会的
I'm-- I'm here for Dan's birthday?
一群喜剧演员
The-- Uh-- The comedians? Buncha guys,