崩溃人生（2017）

听上去
It kind of sounded like you
你昨晚挺逍遥的呀
were getting down and dirty last night.
皮特
Hey, Pete.
你是刚到 还是...
Did you just now arrive or?
-不 -不
- No. - No.
《浮生若寄》前情提要
你是认真的吗
Are you seriously telling me
你还没放下循规蹈矩的生活方式
that you haven't, I don't know, drop your good boy routine
过着没有我的生活
long enough to get into something that's none of my business?
你代表她来找我 对她来说有什么意义
What are you to her that you walk over to me on her behalf?
我想给她留下好印象 我是喜剧演员
I'm trying to impress her. I'm a comic.
我正在努力进入大学市场
I'm trying to get into the college market.
它改变了我的一生
NACA changed my life.
我订了80个大学左右
I booked like 80 colleges.
有人有车吗 谁有车吗
Who here has a car? Anybody have a car?
有没有享受过全套服务 加满油
You ever treat yourself and get full service? Gas it up.
加满油
Gas it up.
我目前有六个预约
I got six so far and
-我在争取更多 -六个
- I'm working on more. - Six?
太棒了
Yes.
谢谢你过来 阿迪
Thanks for coming, Artie.
哥们 我也担心你
Well, listen, man. I-- I worry about you, too.
怎么了
What's going on?
我有点慌
Uh... I'm kind of freaking out.
是吗
You are?
吐槽大会那事
About the-- you know, the roast.
我这个人本来不
It's not really my natural habitat to be, uh...
-搞笑 -会怼人
- Funny? I mean, uh... - To be mean.
没事 这挺好的 所以我才想
See, no, but that's good, that's why I wanted
跟你聊聊 我想看看自己能不能
to talk to you. I wanna see if I can--
我想怼人 所以想来问问你
I'm trying be mean, and I thought I could run some by you.
我不能帮你想吐槽端子
I can't help you with roast jokes, you know.
我是节目的评委 你知道的
I'm a judge on the same show, you know that.
我有职业准则
I have a code of ethics,
不管你怎么想 我真的有
despite what you might think. I really do.
我知道 我不是想让你帮我写段子 我只是
I know, I'm not asking for you to write jokes for me. I just--
你就是啊 你不就在问么
Yes, you are, that's what you're asking.
就是借鉴一下 借鉴
Just a sounding board, just a sounding board.
说真的 你可以的 我认真的
Honestly, you're gonna be fine. I'm serious.
想点料就行了
You just need a little ammo going in.
你比你想的要厉害
You're better at this than you think.
你需要胖子梗 丑人梗
You need fat guy stuff, ugly guy stuff,
基佬的段子 又肥又丑的基佬的段子
gay stuff, uh, fat ugly gay stuff.
这些话... 我不想说别人胖
All the word-- I don't wanna call somebody fat,
说我都不认识的人丑
somebody I don't even know, somebody ugly.
-所以呢 -我没法... 这感觉不好
- So? - I don't-- it's just not-- It doesn't feel good.
我唯一喜欢的吐槽部分
The only part of a roast that I like
是结尾会说一些好话
is when you say the nice parts at the end.
-好吧 -或许我就该那么做
- Oh, okay. - Maybe I'll just do that.
我以为在和迈克尔·兰登吃早午餐呢
I didn't know I was having brunch with Michael Landon.
如果这件事让你这么慌 你为什么要干
If this freaks you out so much, why are you even doing it?
爱丽在这么做
Well, Ali's doing it,
我想让她看看我也可以
and I wanted to show her that I could do it, too.
她觉得我是个轻浮的人
She-- She-- She thinks I'm like a fluffy butterfly man...
她当然这么认为
Of course she does.
没什么骨气 她觉得我很懦弱
...that has no spine. She doesn't think I have any grit.
我想表现... 我想为她表现得好一点
I wanna show-- I wanna do good for her.
你必须得为你自己这么做
You have to do this for yourself.
你得找到它的诀窍
You gotta get at the jugular vein with this.
你知道我身上发生过什么事吗
Honestly, you know what happened to me once?
我和里奇·沃斯一起站在舞台上
I was on a dais with Rich Vos,
他对我这么说 他说911事件最糟的地方
and he said this about me: He said, the worst thing about 9-11
是阿迪·兰格住在新泽西
was Artie Lange lives in New Jersey.
如果我那么说了 我会一周都睡不着
If I said that, I wouldn't sleep for a week.
如果你说了 你的事业可能就上升了
If you said that, you might have a development deal.
我不想变毒舌
I don't like being mean.
浮生若寄
第二季 第八集[季终]
大战 大战 大战
Battle! Battle! Battle!
大战 大战 大战
Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle!
麦克·劳伦斯 你真是很棒的段子手
Uh, you know, Mike Lawrence, you're a really good writer.
我很喜欢你写的段子
I've always loved your writing,
尤其是你那些等红灯时的无聊段子
especially all that stuff you do on cardboards at red lights.
萨拉就像顿营养早餐
Sarah is like a good breakfast.
她有煎饼咪♥咪♥ 黄油脸
She's got pancake tits, a butter face,
和限♥量♥供应的卵子
and a limited supply of eggs.
麦克
Mike, you, uh,
你真是有海滩身材
you have such a beach body.
我的意思是有人被谋杀后
And by that I mean the body of somebody
又被冲上海滩的那种尸体
that's been murdered, and washes up on the shore.
萨拉来自格鲁吉亚州
Sarah's from Georgia. You know,
她很难找到男朋友
it's been tough for her finding a man.
她没法找到极右分子[凑合的人]
She just can't seem to find Mr. Alt Right.
你紧张吗
Are you nervous?
我快吓死了
I'm freaking out.
好吧 喝点东西
Okay. Just get a drink.
-我会的 -是啊
- Yeah, maybe I will. - Yeah.
你的第一个对手是谁
Uh, who's your first... battler?
达米安·莱蒙
Uh, ooh, uh, Damien Lemon.
他就在那里
I think he's-- yeah, he's right over there.
他看起来... 嘴不是很贱
He looks, you know... he doesn't look too mean.
我可能会跟皮诺·格雷格比赛
Uh, maybe I'll get a Pino Grig.
感觉不错
Feels appropriate.
随便来点什么新鲜的 甜菜
Whatever's fresh. Chard.
抱歉 楼上的表演快结束了 你是下一个
Hey, hey, sorry. They're almost done upstairs. You're next.
-好的 -棒极了
- Oh, okay. - Cool, yeah.
情况如何
How'd it go?
马泰奥叫我塞德里克·凯尔斯
Man, Matteo called me Cedric the Entertainer.
把我气晕了 该死的蠢货
Knocked me right out. Fucking twerp.
我跟他不像啊
I don't look like him.
-不像 -我也觉得不像
- No. - I don't think you do.
至少现在你可以放松一下了
At least you can relax now.
放松 你不想要5000美金了吗
Relax? You don't want $5,000?
当然了 但你结束了呀
Yeah, of course, but, you know-- whew, you know, you're done.
我是皮特 初次见面
I'm-- I'm Pete, we haven't met.
这是皮特
That's Pete.
-皮特 -我是爱丽的男朋友
- Hey, Pete. - I'm Ali's boyfriend.
这是你男朋友 他是直的
It's your boyfr-- He's straight?
你看起来像女孩子们的曲棍球教练
You look like you coach girls' field hockey.
像希曼的很弱的弟弟
You look like He-Man's flabby brother.
希弱
He-Flab.
看来每个人还在吐槽模式
Everybody's, uh, still in roast mode.
你看起来像是喝汤的吉祥物
You look like you're the mascot for soup.
你脖子里储存了多少过冬的粮食
How much food for winter are you storing in your neck?
妹子 跟我上♥床♥吧 我的家伙比他的大
Girl, fuck me instead, I got a bigger dick than he does.
我现在火力十足
I'm on fire!
下次让我来吐槽你 你太糟糕了
Let me roast you next time. You suck.
好了 我要去喝点东西
All right, I'm gonna get a drink.
你会表现很棒的
You'll do great.
看来我们在沟里找到了沃尔多
It looks like we found Waldo, you guys, in a ditch.
嗯 我就躺在你前途旁边呢
Yeah, I was lying next to your career.
这真是一场大屠♥杀♥
That was a bloodbath.
阿迪 刚才的表演你更喜欢谁
Artie, who do you like in this one?
为了表达对新泽西人们的敬意
In honor of, uh, everyone in Jersey,
我就跟个风了
I'm going with the broad.
萨拉 干得漂亮 萨拉
Sarah. Good job. Sarah.
贝思·斯特林
Beth Stelling?
萨拉 眨了两次眼
Sarah, blink twice
仿佛这真的是人♥质♥事件
if this is actually a hostage situation.
我从来不站在受害者这边
Listen, I-- I never side with the victim,
所以我支持迈克
so I'm going with Mike.
平手了哦 杰夫