崩溃人生（2017）

I, uh... wanted talk to you about representation.
什么意思
What do you mean?
你是经纪人吗
You're a manager?
对 我是代理喜剧演员
Yeah. I represent comics.
你觉得我很幽默吗
You think I'm funny?
我想你会的
I think you will be.
我注意到一些端倪
I've noticed things are starting to happen.
我想让你知道 作为你的经纪人
And I just want you to know, as your manager,
我享有你的表演20%的提成
I'm entitled to 20 percent of those things going forward.
我需要经纪人 我需要点帮助
I'd love a manager. I-- I could use some help,
很明显 我还在冰淇淋店工作
obviously, I-- I work in an ice cream shop.
我其实有听一些人说
I just actually heard, uh, some of the guys were talkin'
科尔伯特[著名主持人]在找写手
about Colbert's looking for writers.
如果我们能申请
If we could submit,
我想提交一份申请
I'd love to submit a-- a submission.
我们可以帮你提交
Yeah, we could submit.
你认识他们
You know those guys?
不 但我会猜电邮
No, but I-- I'm good at guessing emails.
你看一下鸣谢名单
You know? You just kinda watch the credits...
然后猜一下 StephenColbert@Colbert.com
take a crack at it. Stephen Colbert at Colbert dot-com,
不管制片人是谁
you know... whoever the producer is,
@Colbert.com 试试Gmail 然后雅虎
at Colbert dot-com, you try the G-mails, try the Yahoo's.
不行就试试Hotmail
You go-- you go back to Hotmail sometimes if you need to.
有时候他们就用.me
Sometimes they just have a dot-M.E.
有很多网址的
There's all sorts of websites out there.
我试试 我真的很需要一个人
I-- I could do that. I-- I really need somebody with connections
能帮我引荐一下
that can kinda plug me in, you know?
有人跟我说
Yeah. But aren't you, uh, someone told me
你今年夏天要给尼基·格拉泽开场
you're... opening for Nikki Glaser this summer?
22城
22 cities?
不是我
That's not me.
不是
That's not you?
不是 我也很想啊
No, but I mean, I'd love to do something like that.
要是你能让我帮别人开场
If you could get me out there opening for someone,
或者主持 俱乐部的工作也行
or... emcee work? Club work?
你没预约吗
So you didn't already book that?
没有 你肯定把我和别人弄混了
No. That-- they must have me confused with somebody else.
你还想当我经济人吗
Do you still wanna be my manager?
想啊
Yeah. Yeah.
我当
Yeah, I'll do it.
太棒了
That's great! That's great!
这份算我的
Yeah. Hey, that's-- that's on me.
你拿走吧
You can have that.
这是你第一个账单
I know, this is your first check.
回见
Later.
这是我娱乐圈的经理
That's my manager. Show biz.
我最近在中西部锻炼
So I was working out in the Midwest recently.
很多信耶稣的
There's, uh, you know, all the Jesus freak,
还有特朗普的支持者
all the Trump supporters out there, you know?
因为他要让美国再伟大起来
'Cause he's gonna make it great again!
他要把美国土著挖出来
Right? He's gonna dig up the Native Americans
再干掉他们一次
and kill 'em all over again!
这次要让我朋友克莱图斯得到那个赌场
Make sure my friend Cletus gets that casino this time around!
他真的很棒哈
He's really going for it, huh?
是啊
I'd say-- I'd say so.
他算是在发泄吧
He's-- He's blowing off a lotta steam, I think.
他有孩子 还是宝宝 有家庭了
He's got a kid, he's got a baby, you know, family life.
他太逗了
He's hilarious.
你是谁
Who are you?
我叫皮特
I'm Pete.
比起反对堕胎的 我更烦主张的
Pro-choice people annoy me more than pro-life.
我喜欢反对堕胎的
I like pro-life people
因为我理解他们
'cause I know where I stand with them, right?
他们信耶稣 会引用经♥文♥
They're into Jesus, they quote scripture,
还只能和白人约会
they have a strict whites-only dating policy.
多吧
Right?
主张堕胎的为什么很烦
Pro-choice, you know what annoys me?
要是他们承认那是杀害婴儿
If they would just admit that they're killing a baby,
那我没觉得有问题
I could get on board.
我也觉得适者生存没毛病
'Cause I'm big on, like, thinning out the herd.
但他们觉得那不是婴儿
But that whole thing goin, "Oh, it-- it's not a baby,"
生出来就是了啊
it's like, well, it would've been.
你要是没堕胎不就是了吗
If you didn't fucking do that.
这就像做蛋糕一样
That's like-- that's like if you're making a cake,
那有一碗面糊 然后有人拿起来
and there's a big bowl of batter, and somebody just grabs it
扔到垃圾桶里
and throws it in the trash. You're,
你就说 你毁了我的生日蛋糕
like, dude, you-- you've ruined my birthday cake.
我会说 这又不是生日蛋糕
Then I go, that wasn't a birthday cake.
烤出来就是了啊
It's like, well, it would've been.
你没扔不就能做出来了吗
If you fuckin' didn't throw it out.
蛋糕毁了 生日也毁了
A cake's life was ended, and somebody's birthday got ruined.
还有件操蛋的事
That's another fucked up thing, too,
就是由女人来决定
is women get to decide, too, right,
谁能有生日 谁不能
who's gonna have the birthday, who isn't.
对吧 孩子在我肚子里 那又怎么样
Right? Oh, it's in my body, so what?
我抹了"糖霜"啊
I put the frosting on it.
是吧
You know?
真的
It's true!
绝对的 你能做决定
It's fucking true! You're gonna make the decision,
我就得接受这些孩子的死
and I got to walk around with their death?
太扯了 你要是想留下来
It's un-fuckin'-real. Then if you decide to keep it,
我就得付钱
I also have to pay for it?
这种事经常发生
They get it coming and goin'.
我就不懂女人有什么好抱怨的
I don't know what fucking women are bitching about,
宝宝能不能活都是你们来定的
'cause you get-- you get to decide if babies live or die.
还不满足吗
Isn't that enough for you?
我就是为了逗乐 你们太入戏了
I'm just doing this for the reaction. You guys are too f--
都是"天啊"
"Oh my God!"
比起反对堕胎的 我更烦主张的
Pro-choice people annoy me more than pro-life.
他们觉得那不是婴儿
With that whole thing goin', "Oh, it-- it's not a baby,
生出来就是了啊
it's like, well, it would've been!
你要是没堕胎不就是了吗
If you didn't fucking do that!
这就像做蛋糕一样
That's like-- that's like if you had cake batter...
天啊
Oh my God.
糟了
Shit!
你不用再把机票打出来了
You know, you don't have to print plane tickets anymore.
你可以在机场弄
You can do it at the airport.
弄到你手♥机♥上就行
You can put it on your phone. Bunch of different shit.
波特 你怎么来了
Porter. What are you doing here?
抱歉 不好意思
Sorry. Excuse me.
你来干嘛 别来这
Why are you here? Don't come here.
我不想混淆自己的生活
I-- I don't like mixing my worlds.
抱歉 你发电邮给我了
I'm sorry. I-- you emailed me.
-什么 -那什么
- What? - The thing? Like--
那咋了 你看到封电邮
Okay, so what, so you responded to an email
就来找我 你什么毛病
with a pop-in? What the fuck is wrong with you?
是我
It was me!
什么意思
What do you mean?
酒窖那个视频是我录的
It was me, I shot the video at the Cellar, I taped it,
我发到图享网上
I put it on my Instagram,
他们是从我账户转走的
they-- they got it from my account.
哥们 你在说啥呢
Dude! What are you fuckin' talking about?
我得把那个视频抹掉
You know, I need to scrub it.
你看上去应该会
You-- you seem like you know stuff.
你知道怎么抹掉吗
I-- do you know how to scrub something?
-抹掉 -我不能让他知道是我
- Scrub it? - I can't have him know it was me!
我不认识"匿名"的人
I don't know Anonymous.
-好吗 我不 -谁也不认识啊
- All right? I don't-- - Nobody knows Anonymous.
网上的东西抹不掉的
You can't scrub it from the Internet.
一发上去就是永久的
Everything on the Internet, it's permanent.
就像数字疱疹一样