崩溃人生（2017）

What do you mean?
我不想和你干那种事
I don't want that with you.
你什么意思 我还以为...
What do you mean? I thought...
我们玩得挺开心 我以为或许...
We're having fun. I thought maybe...
不 我们只是一起待一会
No. I thought we were just hanging out.
我不... 我以为你现在会喜欢我
I-- I don't-- I think you'd like me now.
皮特 我是你最不该在一起的人
Well, Pete, I'm, like, the last person you should be with.
从感情上来说
Emotionally.
我认为你没有看到真正的我
I don't think you're seeing me.
-我看见了 -不 我认为我不...
- I-- I am. - I don't think I-- No.
你看见的是你结婚的那个人 但他...
You're seeing who you were married to, but that guy...
他已经是过去式
that guy's gone.
我学了一些事 也做了一些事
I've... learned things, I've done things.
我现在是个男人了
I'm a man now.
我可以当你的性伴夏尔巴
I can be your sex Sherpa.
我可以带你到达愉悦之巅
I can lead you up the mountain of ecstasy and--
让我们灵肉合一
and swirl our souls into some sort of divine union.
皮特 你是想利用我
Pete, you're trying to use me.
-我... 是的 -不行
- I-- Yes. Yes. - Okay, no.
-我们相互利用吧 -不
- Let's-- let's use each other. - No.
你说你和利夫就是相互利用
You said you and Leif use each other.
我想利用你 我想让你利用我
I want to use you. I want you to use me.
-相信我就好 -不 皮特 这太扯了
- Just, trust me. - No, Pete, this is nuts.
给我一个吻就好
Just-- just- just-- just give me a kiss.
-我只想要一个吻 -不要
- Just one kiss, that's all I want. - No.
露两手瞧瞧 让你不被淘汰
...impress me and save yourselves, from elimination.
下面是对嘴演唱环节
The time has come to lip-sync...
为了你们的人生
for your life!
别搞砸
And don't fuck it up.
联合之殿
-你们两个进去 -谢谢
- Okay, these two, go in. - Okay, thanks.
波特·哈里斯
你好 我是皮特·福尔摩斯
Hello. I'm, uh, I'm Pete Holmes.
我来找波特·哈里斯
I'm here to see Porter Harris.
好的 你得戴上这个
All right, you're going to wear this.
沿着走廊往左拐
Down the hall, to your left.
我是个喜剧演员
I'm a comedian.
在这呢
Hey, there he is.
-兄弟 -在干吗呢
- Hey, hey, man. - What's going on?
这是艾玛 这是莫 这是我朋友皮特
This is Emma. This is Mo. This is my friend Pete.
-最近怎么样 皮特 -最近怎么样
- What's up, Pete? - Hey, what's up, man?
这就是你城外的那个好朋友吗
Is this your buddy from out of town?
你们怎么认识的
Yeah, do you guys know-- How do you guys know each other?
你们一起长大的吗
Did you grow up together?
我叫皮特·福尔摩斯 一位喜剧演员
We, uh-- I'm Pete Holmes. I'm-- I'm a comedian.
我被吓到了
I'm actually... I am shocked.
我本以为你是他的经纪人
I could've sworn you were his manager.
休息室里可没有代表
There's no reps in the green room.
我不是代理人
I'm not-- I'm not a representative, no.
他是我的朋友
Yeah, he's a representative of being my friend.
-我们是朋友 -我们是朋友
- Uh, we're friends. - We're friends,
-所以他只是我的朋友 -我懂
- so he represents me in that way. - I got you, yeah.
我负责百分之十的娱乐
Ah, I take 10 percent of the fun.
我只是为你们感到高兴
I just... I'm excited for my friend. I'm excited for you guys.
第一次上电视 大事啊
First time on TV, I mean, that's huge.
好了 我们还有五分钟
All right. We're about five minutes out.
莫 你第一个上
Mo, you're up first.
-好的 -艾玛你第二个
- All right. - Emma, you're next,
-最后波特 -好的
- and then Porter. - Okay.
好的 莫你准备好了吗
All right, Mo, you ready to do this?
我准备好了 准备好了
You know this! Wu Tang, you know I'm ready!
你最棒了
Wu Tang!
波特 你得去戴下麦克风
Porter, I'm going to need to get you miked.
真激动啊 你是压轴
That's s exciting, man. You're going to close.
意义重大 你是表演的主角
It's huge. You're the headliner of the show.
你想跟我一起去后台吗
You want to come with me, over to sound?
当然
Yeah, of course.
认识你很高兴
Nice to meet you.
近来可好 纽约
What is up, New York City?
今晚有很棒的阵容
I have an amazing lineup for you guys tonight
都是我最爱的后起之秀
of all my favorite up-and-coming comedians.
等我给你别上话筒
All right, just going to drop it down.
看他们的表演
...get to see them perform. Yeah.
你们还记得一个传言
Do you remember that there was, like, a rumor
流传了一段时间
going around for a while
说男人都喜欢女强人
that men like strong women?
他们才不喜欢
No, they don't.
我看过色情片
Okay? I've seen porn.
色情片里 旁边都有个菜单
In porn, there's literally a menu on the side,
上面有"女♥女♥" "女大学生们"
it's like, "Girl on Girl," Uh, "College Girls."
没有"首席执行官"
There's no, like, "CEO."
"按时纳税的婊♥子♥"
"Bitch Who Pays Her Taxes on Time."
这就是你的梦想啊 不可思议
This is your dream, man. This is... It's incredible.
感觉怎么样
All right, how's that feel?
挺好的 和政♥府♥每天对我做的事
It's great. It's great. It's no different than anything
没什么区别
the government does to me every day.
好吧 你好了
Okay. Well, you're set.
接下来这位喜剧演员是我最爱之一
This next comedian is one of my favorite people.
我为什么穿着一件夹克
Why am I wearing a jacket?
我为什么穿这样的夹克 我看起来像
Why am I wearing a jacket like this, I look like...
我看上去像商场里的企鹅
I look like a guy dressed as the Penguin at the mall.
你看上去很好
You look great.
好的
Oh good. All right.
我的胡子看上去奇怪吗
Is there... Is there somethin' weird with my beard?
-什么 -我胡子奇怪吗
- What? - Does my beard look weird?
奇怪 不 你很好
Uh, weird? Weird beard? No. You're good.
我看上去很好
All right, I look good. I'm good.
-我懂你的压力很大 -嗯
- It's just a lot, I understand, you know, stressful. - Yeah.
但不是胡子的问题 你有胡子
But, you know, it's not the beard, the beard's been with you...
-胡子不奇怪 -嗯
- The beard is not weird. - Yeah.
但确实有点蓬乱
I mean, you could... It's a little scraggly.
我该不该修一下
Should I trim it?
没什么损失
It couldn't hurt.
我要修一下
I'm going to trim it.
这里肯定有人
There's got to be someone around here
能帮我修下胡子
who can help me trim this, right?
是啊
Uh, yeah.
我真不懂这种仇恨哪来的
I really don't understand what all the hate's about,
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥是世界上很受欢迎的名字
'cause Mohammed is the most popular name in the world.
你们知道令人沮丧的是什么吗
You know what's frustrating about that fact?
我找不到一个带有我名字的钥匙链
I can't find one key chain with my name on it anywhere.
美国没一个人和我分享过可乐
Not one person has shared a coca-Cola with me in America,
一个人都没有
not a single person.
我不是很喜欢处理胡子
I don't like to mess with beards.
我觉得胡子是比较私人的东西
I feel like beards are very personal.
让我来吧 我只是不希望
Let me do it. Let me do it. I just don't want to look
在镜头里看着像个狼人
like a Wolfman on camera. Okay?
该死
Aw, shit.
我只是想把胡子修平整
I am-- I'm just trying to, like, even it out now.
因为这样...
'Cause this is...
天呐 我做了什么
Oh my God. Oh, what did I do?
不 挺好的 这是很好的开始
No, that's okay, that's a good start.
这样子就像 我刮了一勺下来
I look like-- I took a tablespoon out of it.
没事的 另一边也修成这样
That's fine. Let's just do it on the other side.
-我可以修齐 -你能修齐吗
- I can even it out. - Can you even this out?
-我可以 -那好 把它修平整
- Yeah, I can even it out. - Yeah, even it out, yeah.
别藏在胡子后面 对吧
Don't hide behind your beard, you know?
天呐 我根本不知道那名字多常用
Oh, man, I didn't even know how popular it was
直到我看了埃及足球队比赛
until I watched the Egyptian soccer team.
就是这样 他们在进行实况报道
Uh, yeah. I was, uh-- They were showing a play-by-play,
解说员开始解说
and the commentator comes on and he's like,
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥抢到了球