崩溃人生（2017）

or was he like, "Somebody put me out of my misery?"
我必须说在所有地址[演讲 称呼]中
Uh, I have to say out of all the addresses,
我最喜欢的是葛底斯堡[演讲]
my favorite address is Gettysburg
我最不喜欢的是"婊♥子♥们"
and my least favorite address is, "Hey, bitches."
别那么叫我
Don't address me that way!
我们不是朋友吗
I thought we were friends.
好了 准备好看下一场了吗
All right, are we ready for our next act?
我太高兴了
I am so excited.
有请幽默诙谐的爱丽·瑞森登台
Please welcome to the stage the hilarious Ali Reissen!
谢谢
Thank you.
丽兹·库伯曼 掌声送给她
Lizzy Cooperman, there she is.
布鲁克林最佳丸子头
Best topknot in Brooklyn.
好笑的是 丽兹在茱莉亚音乐学院学的钢琴
Fun fact about Lizzy: she studied piano at Juilliard.
老师是甜饼怪
She was taught by Cookie Monster.
你们喜欢模仿秀吗
Do you guys like impressions?
那好
Okay, cool.
我先来模仿第一个
So, okay, here's my first one.
我要模仿一个自命不凡的孤儿
This is my impression of a pretentious orphan.
一起来看这个自命不凡的孤儿
Okay, this is a pretentious orphan.
你们知道我爸是谁吗
Do you know who my father is?
接下来我要模仿梅丽·史翠普
Okay, this is my impression of Meryl Streep...
-借过 -试图接受别人的称赞
- Sorry. - trying to take a compliment.
你没事吧
Are you okay?
你看起来有点...
You seem a little...
爱丽
Hey, Ali.
皮特
Pete.
稍等
Yeah. Hang on one sec.
那天晚上的皮特
Pete from the other night.
-段子不错 -谢谢
- Great set. - Thank you.
-秒杀全场 -谢谢
- Killer. - Thank you.
真的 我还没
Really. I haven't--
-你掌控了全场 -谢谢
- You owned the room. - Oh, thank you.
-非常好笑 -谢谢
- Really funny. - Thanks.
-还是想做一段录像 -是的
- Still trying to... make a tape? - Yes. Yeah.
你知道的
Yeah, you know.
-不容易 -我觉得不录自己的时候
- It can be hard. - I just-- I feel like I'm a lot more natural
更自然一些
when I'm not taping myself.
-录像魔咒 -是的
- Curse of the tape. - Yeah.
-那天非常抱歉 -嗯
- Sorry about the other, uh, other day. - Yes!
你能提起来真是太好了
Really glad you said something.
要是算得上"尉"藉的话
Yeah. If it's any consultation--
-"慰" -慰藉
- "Lation." - Consolation.
对 那个词是去美发时
Yeah. "Consultation" is for...
-用的 -我想简单向你表示慰藉
- hair. - Yeah, yeah, if I could give you a brief consultation...
-别这样 -这方面我没经验
- Please don't. - Uh, I'm new at all this.
我知道看上去可能
I-I-- I know it might have
比我的本意要猥琐一些
seemed a little creepier than I intended it.
-确实 -所以 我
- Yeah. - I-- so, I...
-很抱歉 你很抱歉 -我很抱歉
- Are sorry. You're sorry. - I-- I are sorry.
-你很抱歉 -我很抱歉
- You are sorry. - Toys "R" Us. I are sorry.
我也很抱歉 我们在那种情况下
Okay. Yeah. I'm also sorry. I-- We both could've
本来可以更体面的 我也很抱歉
been our better selves in that situation, so I'm sorry, too.
还要抱歉的是 我现在真的有事要走了
I'm also sorry 'cause I truly do have to run right now.
我有个演出
I have a show.
-没关系 很好 -那好
- No problem. It was good-- I-- - Okay. Yeah.
-那... -要不 你想跟我一起去吗
- Have-- - Unless... Do you wanna come with me to my show?
-现在吗 -对
- Now? - Yeah.
-当然愿意 -去看我演出
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - To my show?
我愿意 愿意再看一场
All right. I would love to come, love to see another show.
朋友们 我要走了
Okay, guys, I gotta go.
-再见 见到你们真高兴 -非常逗
- Bye, great to see you. - Very funny.
-特别搞笑 -谢谢
- You were so funny. - Oh, thanks.
我喜欢你的长衫 特别酷
I love your long shirt, that's cool.
-谢谢 -行了 别跟他们聊了
- Thanks. - Okay, yeah, don't talk to them.
我觉得要是有个小精灵
I feel-- I feel like if an elf...
要是有个小精灵在北极摔倒了
If an elf trips at the North Pole,
他们给他一个拐杖糖
they give him a candy cane.
-有点丧但很暖 -丧 因为他有点残疾
- It's sad but sweet. - Sad-- Yeah, 'cause he's a little disabled.
那是唯一一种以医疗器械为原型的糖果
It's the only candy based on medical equipment.
确实 有点
Yeah, right? That's like, um...
这像是老一辈讲的笑话
That's like a dad joke.
-我喜欢这种笑话 -我一点都不意外
- I like Dad jokes. - No, I-- That does not surprise me.
你就是那种类型的 你有点
That's completely your vibe. You're kind of like a...
你有点像在烧烤聚会的土老爹
You're kind of like a dorky dad at a barbecue.
那是你的本质
That's kind of your essence.
就像九十年代的汤姆·阿诺德
Like a Tom Arnold character in the '90s.
对 就是
Yeah. Yes!
说实话 在所有我能胜任的角色里
To be honest, of all the things I could be,
我不介意做一个搞笑老爸
I don't mind being a fun... like, a fun dad.
-能把这段子给我吗 -能
- Can I have that? - Yeah.
-真的 -算是我给你的礼物
- I may? - Yeah. My gift to you.
这是你最后一场了吗 还是
Is this, um... Is this your last spot or you doing--
不 这场之后还有两场
No, I have this one and then, um, two more after.
-两场 真的 -真的
- Two, really? - Yeah.
-一晚上 -对
- In one night? - Yeah.
我一晚上的最高纪录就是一场
My record in one night is, uh, is one.
-真的吗 -真的
- Serious? - Yeah.
我连想都不敢想
I can't even think-- I don't
我一晚上哪找四个地方都不知道
know four places in the same night to go up.
不可能 那你为什么住城里
That's insane. Why do you live in the city?
这就是纽约的意义所在
That's the whole point of New York,
就是你可以穿梭于不同的场子
is you can, like, bounce around to different spots.
你干喜剧这行多长时间了
How long have you been doing comedy?
简而言之 三年
Uh, well, short answer, three years,
但是也就这几个月比较专心发展
but I've been more focused the past couple of months.
我老婆
My, uh, my wife, I was--
-你老婆 -我前妻 抱歉
- Your wife? - My ex-wife. Sorry.
你不是小三
All right. You're not an adulteress.
太好了
Okay. Good.
-她是 -不是吧
- She is. - Oh no.
是的 是的
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-没事 没事 -她...她出轨了
- It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. - She, uh, she had an affair--
说来话长了 因为我现在单身了
there was a whole thing-- and because I'm now single,
人生中第一次单身 所以我现在做更多演出
for the first time in my life, I'm doing a lot more sets.
没错 你把痛苦化为了表演的动力
Totally. You channel the pain into performing.
-但我也... -我完全能理解
- But I also-- - I totally get that.
你为什么开始表演
Is-- Why did you get into stand?
我不知道 我的父母一起工作
I don't know. My parents, they work together,
他们都背着对方出轨了 没错
and they both cheated on each other. Yeah.
所以我就是处在这样一种奇怪的家庭环境中
So, it was like this really weird household.
我开始慢慢尝试着在舞台上把这些讲出来
Actually, I kind of tried to start talking about this on stage.
但我妈的出轨对象
But my-- so, my mom was cheating on my dad with this guy
他留着又长又恶心的灰色马尾辫
who had a really long, gross, gray ponytail,
性♥爱♥社团的人留的那种
like a sex commune ponytail.
编成了尖尖的辫子 你能理解我的意思吗
It was braided into a tip. You know what I mean?
-不 -他戴了好多蓝绿色的珠宝
- Oh no. - He wore a lot of turquoise jewelry.
很粗犷 我不知道当时已经出轨了
It was really rough. And I didn't know that that was happening,
但我注意到
but I did notice that my
我爸也开始试着留马尾辫
dad started to try to grow his own ponytail,
但他失败了 他的头发就是留不起来
but he couldn't, his hair just doesn't do that,
然后他就有了一头像西兰花一样的头发
so he had this little, like, broccoli floret.
他是为你妈才留头发的吗
But he did it for your mom?
他是为了追回我妈妈
He did it to get my mom back.
这可够让你糟心一辈子的了
Yeah, so that'll fuck you up for good,
让你开始说单口相声
and make you go into stand-up.
-你父母还在一起吗 -很不幸
- Your parents are still together? - Unfortunately.
还在一起 就好像被一根绳子拴住一样
Yeah, really, they're hanging on by a thread--
拴住他们的东西甚至 甚至还不如绳子结实
not even a-- not even something as thick as a thread.
马尾辫 一条又细又结实的马尾辫
A ponytail. A thin, wiry ponytail.
这可不像训练过的笑 我要矜持点
That's not a train laugh. I need to hold it in.
让我们来为肯尼·德福雷斯特呐喊庆祝一下