崩溃人生（2017）

皮特不知怎地既诡异又没有威胁
Pete is somehow both creepy and nonthreatening.
他就像下肢瘫痪的人脸上的浅色胡须
He's like the blond mustache on a paraplegic man.
美国激励人心的演说家
托尼·欣奇克利夫 你长得像托尼·罗宾斯
Tony Hinchcliffe, uh, you look like Tony Robbins.
同时也像一个
And simultaneously someone
急需托尼·罗宾斯帮助的人
who desperately needs the help of Tony Robbins.
皮特看着就像有人把特朗普的所有儿子
Pete looks like if someone put all of Donald Trump's sons
同时放进了微波炉
in the microwave at the same time.
棒
Yeah!
托尼 托尼就像是在极力隐藏
Tony, uh, Tony looks like he's hiding the fact
他四小时前被丧尸咬了的事实
that he got bit by a zombie four hours ago.
皮特的事业就像他前妻的阴♥道♥
Pete's career is a lot like his ex-wife's pussy.
余生都将
They're both gonna be
对失败者开放
opening for losers for the rest of their lives.
太早了
Too soon.
怎么了 很好笑啊
What? It's funny.
皮特 最后一个段子
Pete! Last joke.
托尼 你如此细小洁白
Uh, Tony, you're so thin and white,
我站在这里只为了让阿迪不把你当毒品吸进去
I'm only standing here to make sure Artie doesn't snort you.
不可思议
That was incredible.
评委们 你们对这一组有什么看法
Judges, what do we think about this one?
伙计 刚是咋回事 你在台下还挺友善的
Dude, what the fuck was that? You were so nice offstage.
就是 你什么时候变得这么有种了
Yeah, when did you grow some balls?
说真的 瞧瞧他 看起来像个牧师
Seriously, look at him, he looks like a priest.
也说得过去
That makes sense, actually,
因为他刚完胜[操]了这位小兄弟
'cause he just fucked this little boy.
皮特 这是你第一次比赛吗
Pete, this is your first battle ever?
-是的 -这场你俩势均力敌
- Yeah. - I mean, it was a close one,
但是托尼·罗宾斯的梗 还有最后可♥卡♥因♥的梗
but the Tony Robbins joke, the cocaine thing at the end,
僵尸梗 干得漂亮 伙计
the zombie joke-- you killed it, buddy.
恭喜你 你晋级了
Congratulations, you're moving on.
他的第一战 首胜
His first battle! His first win!
皮特·福尔摩斯
Pete Holmes!
皮特 你晋级到第二轮 迎战爱丽·瑞森
Pete, you're moving on to round two to face Ali Reissen!
难以置信 你赢了托尼
I can't believe you beat Tony.
老天爷啊
Holy shit!
我不 我没 这感觉不对 我觉得
I don't-- I didn't-- It didn't feel good. I feel like--
你干得太棒了
You did so great.
-谢谢 -不客气
- Oh, thank you. - Yeah.
天啊
Oh my God!
表演太出色了 怎么办到的
That was amazing, what was that? -
不知道 我 你有托尼的电邮吗
I don't know, I-- Do you have Tony's e-mail?
-我不想 -你在开玩笑吗
- I don't want to-- - Are you kidding me right now?
你想给他发邮件 你赢得光明正大
You wanna e-mail him? You won fair and square.
让他自己舔伤口吧
Let him lick his wounds.
再说了 现在你要对付偶了
Besides, now you get to go against moi.
你俩要互相吐槽了吗
You two are roasting each other?
-是啊 -我什么都没有
- Yeah. - I have nothing.
-天啊 -我什么都没有
- Oh my God. - I have nothing.
你挺好的 什么叫你什么都没有
You're fine. What do you mean you have nothing?
-会很有趣的 -我没想到我能晋级
- It's gonna be so fun. - I didn't think I'd get this far.
现在 评委们 他们会打击死我的
And now, the judges... the judges are gonna destroy me.
要是哪个评委针对你 你就说
If any of the judges fuck with you, you just tell
杰夫·罗斯他看起来像扒了皮的鸡鸡
Jeff Ross he looks like somebody skinned a penis.
-挺好笑的 -谢谢
- That's funny. - Thank you.
-我能用这句吗 -当然
- Can I have that? - Of course.
-我可以用这句 -没问题
- I can have that. - Absolutely.
-好的 -放轻松 这很好玩的 知道吗
- Okay. - Keep it loose. This is fun, okay?
好了 我得检查下这些梗
All right, I have to look over these jokes.
你干啥 是写我的吗
What are you-- Is that for me?
也许
Mm, maybe.
你现在还会吻你♥妈♥的♥嘴 对吗
You still kiss your mom on the lips, right?
-别 -我现在就在写这方面的
- Don't-- - That's kind of what I'm working with.
会很精彩的 再见
It's gonna be good. See you later.
-再见 -再见
- Bye. - Bye.
再见
Bye.
她看上去信心十足
Uh, she seems pretty pumped.
希望你真的有梗
I hope you actually have jokes.
我什么货都没有
I got nothing.
我不知道我能不能行
I don't know if I can do this.
-为什么 -为什么
- Why? - Why?
因为她是我的女 你 那是我女友
'Cause she's my-- you-- That's my girlfriend.
我不想吐槽我的女友
I don't want to roast my girlfriend.
如果你对她说了恶毒的话
If you say something mean to her,
就是把她当成平等的对手
you're treating her like an equal.
你就应该这样 她和你是对等的
That's-- that's what you're supposed to do. She's a peer.
我想照顾和我对等的人
I'm protective of my peer.
我希望她好 平安无恙且完整
I want her to be good, and safe, and whole, and complete,
而不是被称为丑婆娘 我不知道该写什么
not called... some ugly bitch. I got nothing.
你要是真的爱她 你就得上台去
If you really love her, then you gotta get up there,
把她吐槽得一无是处
and you shit all over her.
天啊
Oh, boy.
太棒了 我爱这个节目
Yes! I love this show!
我爱仇恨
I love hatred.
爱死这个节目了
Love this show.
我只想说 祝你开心
I just want to say, you know, have fun.
还有 我中间名叫本尼迪克特
And, um, my middle name is Benedict.
不知道你知不知道 但可能用得上
I don't know if you knew, but that might be something.
不用了 我不需要帮助 我多的是梗
Nah, I don't need help. I have plenty.
我很期待下一场比赛
I'm excited for this next battle,
因为这两个喜剧演员是一对
because these two comics are dating.
我不知道这个 你知道吗
I didn't know that, did you?
我也不知道
I didn't.
谁想看家庭争端的直播秀
Who's ready to see a live domestic dispute?
谁想看一场血战
Who wants to see a bloodbath?
有请二位
Let's bring 'em out!
皮特·福尔摩斯 爱丽·瑞森
Pete Holmes! Ali Reissen!
吐槽 吐槽
Woo! Roast! Roast!
吐槽 吐槽 吐槽
Roast! Roast! Roast!
吐槽 吐槽 吐槽
Roast! Roast! Roast!
吐槽 吐槽 吐槽
Yes! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast!
吐槽 吐槽 吐槽
Roast! Roast! Roast!
开始吐槽
Let's roast!
大家好 很高兴站在这个舞台上
Guys, it's so good to be here. Um...
老天
Ooh, boy.
你们可以很明显地看到皮特
Well, obviously you can see that Pete
像条乖乖的金毛
looks like a sweet golden retriever.
他在床上也是这样
He's also like that in the bedroom.
他真是这样
It's true, he is.
他舔我的时候
When he goes down on me,
他会流很多口水 我得说
he slobbers so much that the only way I can come
"宝贝 把我的振动棒捡回来"才能高♥潮♥
is if I'm, like, "Babe, go fetch my vibrator."
-犀利 犀利 -天啊
- Brutal! Brutal! - Oh, my God.
你该做♥爱♥了 孩子
You should get laid, babe.
杰夫 你看起来像个扒了皮的鸡鸡
Oh, Jeff, you look like somebody skinned a penis.
还有 皮特坐着尿尿
Oh, also, um, Pete sits down to pee.
还好啦 不 真的 这不是段子
Okay... It's fine. No, yeah, you do. It's not even a joke.
我觉得他坐着尿是因为
I think he sits down 'cause
那个姿势塞棉条比较容易一点
it's easier to put the tampons in that way.
不好意思 我觉得我们需要一个安全密语
I'm sorry, I feel like we need a safe word or something.
不不 你说得对
No, no, no. You're right. You're right.
安全密语应该是"别他妈跟个八婆似的"
Um, the safe word should be "Stop being a fucking pussy."
行了 一次一个段子
Come on, one joke at a time.
按规矩来 该皮特的了
The rules. Pete goes.
我不是爱丽交往的第一个喜剧演员
I'm not the first comedian that Ali has been with.
实际上 她的前任名单
Uh, in fact, her list of former lovers
就跟即兴表演的签到簿似的
reads like an open mike sign-up sheet.
-给我也签上 -这也说得通
- Sign me up! - Which makes sense,
因为只需要做一件事情就能勾上她
'cause the only thing you need to get on her
那就是请她喝两杯
is to buy her two drinks.
-两杯起 -两杯起