崩溃人生（2017）

我觉得自己就像亲吻亭里的丑姑娘
I feel like the ugly girl at the kissing booth.
不
No.
你是亲吻亭里最漂亮的姑娘
You're the prettiest girl at the kissing booth.
你根本不在亭子里
You're not even in a booth.
谢谢你们过来
Thanks for stopping by.
-她真棒 -很期待见到你们
- She's so great! - Look forward to seeing you.
你们好 要徽章吗
How's it going? Want a pin?
你太棒了
You were great.
-谢谢 -我喜欢徽章 谢谢
- Thanks. - I love pins, thank you.
我要走了
I'm gonna run out.
-为什么 -我觉得我把客户都吓跑了
- Why? - I think I'm... scaring the bookers away.
也许如果只有你在这儿
So maybe if you're just here,
他们会想 "就是她" 对吧
they'll... "Oh, that's the girl," Right?
再见
Later.
-爱丽·瑞森 -行了 走吧
- Ali Reissen. - All right, just go.
-早上九点的表演 -再见 再见
- From the nine a.m. Show. - Okay, bye! Bye, bye, bye.
-很快回来 我很快就回来 -再见
- Be right back. I'll be right back. - Okay, bye.
衣服不错
Cool shirt.
与人交际 深入人群
You know, this is all a big part of it, the mingling,
是喜剧演出很重要的一部分
and the, you know, meeting people.
我还在想
I was also thinking, uh...
你应该尝试上《周六夜现场》
you should try to get on SNL, you know?
那让梅利莎大火了一把
That's been huge for Melissa.
好吧 不了 对她以及所有出演的人
Yeah. No. It's-- it's a big show for her,
那都算大型演出
and everybody who's on it.
或许把这当你的下一步 我觉得...
So maybe as a next step, I think that'd be--
这对你有好处
that'd be good for you.
绝对的 绝对的
Totally.Totally, totally, totally.
不过因为我们谈了这个话题
But because we had this conversation,
如果你真上了《周六夜现场》
if you do get SNL,
我得一成报酬
I get 10 percent.
就告诉你一声 这是规矩
Just so you know, that's how it works.
好吧 你帮了大忙 谢谢 太棒了
Yep. Okay, you're so helpful. Thank you, this was awesome.
聊得很愉快 好的
Great chat. Okay.
加满油
这些真的只要两元吗
Are these really two bucks?
是的 超值大甩卖♥♥
Yeah, they're a real steal.
皮特·福尔摩斯 550号♥
终于找到你了
There you are.
有预约了吗
Any bookings?
没 还没有
No. Not yet.
抱歉
Sorry.
你在做什么
What are you doing?
这是我的商品
It's my merch.
我跑出去买♥♥了一些
I ran out and I got some.
"加满油"
"Gas it up."
是的 我觉得这样或许可行
Yeah. I thought it was, uh, it might work,
这个标语能让我脱颖而出
as, like, a catchphrase, something to help me stand out.
是在加油站买♥♥的
It's from a gas station.
所以你准备写个笑话匹配这短袖吗
So you're gonna write a joke to match this shirt?
是的 就像推销辞令
Yeah. It's like a sales pitch.
这就像营销手段
This is like a marketing play.
你疯了吗 为什么要这样
You're spiraling. Why would you do that?
-我只是 -你的表演很棒 原本的就行
- I just-- - You have a great act, just do your set.
我不确定"表演很棒"够不够
I don't know if a great act is enough.
-什么意思 -他们需要欢笑还有小礼物
- What do you mean? - They need laughs and a takeaway.
我不想演出后只能缩在一角
I'm not trying to, like, play to the back of the room.
我想让一群预约校园活动的傻瓜
I'm trying to get a bunch of dorks that book campus activities
认为我是非常棒的人 懂吗
to think that I'm a neat-o fella, you know?
-好吧 -所以怀旧之类的
- Right. - So, like, nostalgia stuff,
明显模仿秀非常有效
obviously impressions are killing really hard...
所以我想讲"还记得..."之类的
so I-- I wanna do some "Remember when" stuff,
-给这些人听 -好吧
- for these guys. - Okay, well...
听起来你有了大蓝图
sounds like you have a master plan.
我不会试图扰乱
I'm not gonna try to mess with it.
-我是说... -祝你好运
- I mean... - Good luck with this.
这就像名片
It's like a business card.
-能穿的名片 -我知道你在开玩笑
- That you can wear. - That's-- I know you're joking.
-别致 -等着瞧谁会笑到最后
- Sassy. - We'll see who's laughing.
掌声送给芝加哥男孩们
Keep it going for the Chicago Boys!
你们准备好看下一场喜剧了吗
Are you guys ready for your next comic?
超级滑稽的哥们 掌声欢迎皮特·福尔摩斯
A super funny dude, put your hands together for Pete Holmes!
大家好 校园活动协会你们好吗
Hello! How's it going, NACA?
-跟我说"嘿" -嘿
- Let me hear you say "Hey!" - Hey!
-哈 -哈
- Ho! - Ho!
-校园活动协会 -校园活动协会
- NACA! - NACA!
-棒 -棒
- Yeah! - Yeah!
你们真棒
Yeah! You guys are good!
我喜欢《歌♥舞青春》
I love High School Musical.
你们记得《歌♥舞青春》吗
You guys remember High School Musical?
最好看的电影
That was the best.
它让我再难喜欢常规篮球
That ruined regular basketball for me.
我去看常规篮球赛时
I would go to a regular basketball game,
会大喊"你们为什么不跳舞"
I'd be like, "Why aren't you dancing?"
别只传球
Don't just pass!
狂挥乱舞
Flail!
《哈利·波特》呢 《哈利·波特》最棒
What about Harry Potter? Harry Potter, that was the best!
我超爱《哈利·波特》
I love Harry Potter!
哈罗德·M·波特
Harold M. Potter.
不过我认为《哈利·波特》最神奇的地方在于
But I think the most magical thing about all of Harry Potter
它让我们爱上了书
is that it made us love books.
这是怎么办到的
How did they do that?
书
Books?
还有比书更糟糕的东西吗
Is there anything worse than books?
可突然来一句"这书写的是一个神奇的呆子"
And suddenly, they're like, "Oh, it's about a magical nerd."
我们就会吼"快把书给我"
We're like, "Give me that book!"
有多少页 一千吗
How many pages? A thousand?
不够看
Not enough book!
在座的谁有车 有人有车吗
Who here has a car? Anybody have a car?
谁有车吗 出去开车
Anybody have a car? Are you out there driving?
出去开车 开着车 漂移
Out there driving? Put it in drive. Put it in D.
漂移 宝贝
Put it in D, baby!
我喜欢给车加油 你们享受过这种乐趣吗
I love getting gas in my car. You ever treat yourself?
有没有享受过全套服务
You ever treat yourself and get full service?
全套服务 你什么也不用做
Full service! You don't have to do anything!
我喜欢手放在头后面
I like to put my hands behind my head.
加满油
Gas it up.
在生活的旅途中 别只加半桶油
In the road trip of life, don't go with a half tank,
要加满油 要加满油
go with a gas it up! Go with a gas it up!
如果施瓦辛格背后痒痒
What would happen if Arnold Schwarzenegger
却挠不到怎么办
had an itch on his back he couldn't reach?
他就像这样
He's just, like...
"把终结者手臂给我 我就能抓到了"
"Bring me the terminator hand that I might reach it!"
等他终于够着了 "爽"
When he finally reaches it, "Oh, yeah."
我的天啊
Oh my fucking God.
然后开着悍马回家 要求全套服务
And he drives home in his Hummer, goes and gets full service,
"加满油"
"Gas it up!"
加满油 校园活动协会 非常感谢
Gas it up! NACA, thank you so much!
谢谢
Thank you!
非常感谢 请来550号♥找我
Thank you so much! Come see me in Booth five-five-zero.
加满油 加满油
Gas it up! Gas it up!
谢谢你们 很高兴你们喜欢我的演出
Thank you ladies. I'm so glad you enjoyed the show.
-谢谢 -演出很棒 谢谢
- Thank you! - It was great. Thank you.
加...满...油
Yes, gas... it... up!
加满油
Gas it up!
你目前有六个预约 我在争取更多
You got six so far and I'm working on more.
六个 太棒了
Six? Yes!
6乘1100 差不多七千了
That's-- Six times 1,100 is like... that's almost seven grand!
是的 减去住宿 交通 我的两成
Yeah, minus, uh, hotel, travel, and my 20 percent,
一年收入还算不错了
that's not bad for a year's work.
你是我新的表演小马驹
You're my new show pony.