崩溃人生（2017）

It's just, I can't afford the treatments.
我付不起账单 说来话长了
I can't afford the bills, it's, like, a whole thing.
所以我要回去和我父母一起住
Yeah, so I'm just gonna move... back in with my parents,
试着存些钱
gonna try to squirrel away some money.
对不起 希望你能搞定
I'm so sorry. I-- I hope it works out for you.
会的 很高兴见到你皮特
It'll work out. Nice meeting you, Pete.
-鸡翅都归你了 -谢谢
- Enjoy those wings. - Thank you.
保重
Be well.
拍好了 哥们
We got it, buddy.
请帮我加个标签
All right. Do me a favor, tag me on that,
让大家知道我还活着
so people know I'm alive.
阿迪 天啊 韦恩的事情你知道了吗
Artie. Geez, man. Did you know about Wayne?
怎么了 他想摸你腿
What? He try to touch your leg?
不是
I-- No. What?
他生病了 他好像 看不起病
He's sick. He's-- and he's, like, he can't afford--
他的保险派不上用场
His insurance is fucking him, and...
他没有钱拿去治病
Yeah, well... He doesn't have money to pay for his medical care.
我也很遗憾 但是你说他没钱是什么意思
I feel bad, too, man. But what do you mean he's got no money?
咱们谁都没钱 看看咱们 在这糊口
None of us have any money. Look at us, what are we doing here?
太让我伤心了
It breaks my heart.
一个老爷们工作了这么长时间
Yeah, well. A guy that's been working for so long,
连个医疗费都付不起
and he can't even afford to pay for his treatment?
我们得帮帮他
I mean, we gotta help him.
你想帮忙 你有多余的骨髓可以捐吗
You wanna help? You got any bone marrow lying around?
那正是他需要的
Because that's what he needs.
你以为这能搞出什么事情来 算了
What do you think's gonna happen here? Come on.
不用那么复杂
It doesn't have to be complicated.
我们可以搞一场演出 把演出费给他
We could just do a show and give him the money.
就像搞个义演似的
We could do like a benefit.
-义演 -我们可以义演
- Oh, a benefit? - We could do a benefit.
我来给你讲讲
Right. Let me explain something to you.
每个喜剧演员演的每一场演出
Every time a comedian does a show,
对于自己来说 都是一场义演
it's a benefit, for themselves.
就是这么回事
That's how it is, man.
不用那么费力
But it wouldn't-- it wouldn't even be that hard.
我们只需要凑一撮喜剧演员就行
We just need to get a group of comics together.
你要是带头的话 其他喜剧演员都会加入
If-- if you headline, all the other comics will fall into line.
形成强大的阵容
Put up a great lineup.
-听上去很容易 -募捐一些钱
- Sounds easy. - Raise some money--
本来就容易 我甚至可以主持
It is easy. I could even host.
-等等 你来主持 -我可以主持
- Oh, wait, wait. You'll host? - I-- I could host.
这下我明白你的意思了 你来主持
Yeah, now I get your angle. You'll host.
我沾你的光 我们明白怎么回事了
I am rubbing off on you. I get what's going on here.
你想利用他的病情给自己争取露脸的机会
You wanna use his sickness to get stage time.
是不是这个意思
Is that what's going on?
阿迪 我这么做不是为了自己
Artie, I'm not doing this for me.
-我只是说 我可以来筹划这个活动 -是吗
- I'm just sayin', I could put it all together. - Right.
弄得非常简单 你们只需要上台就行
Make it really, really easy. All you have to do is show up.
我会极力阻挠的
I'll do anything to make this stop.
你听我说
Let me explain something to you.
-我会带头的 -你带头
- I'll headline. - You'll headline?
-我做领衔 -真的吗
- I'll headline. - You'll do it?
我跟你说实话 我会领衔的
I'm being honest with you. I will headline.
但是干活的是你
But you gotta do the work. Okay?
-当然 -我很难受 他是个好人
- Of course. - I feel bad, he's a good guy.
你是个好人 亚瑟
You're a good man, Arthur.
这我还真不知道
I don't know about that,
但是我知道总有一天我也需要义演
but I know I'm gonna need a benefit one day,
所以我这也算积点德 拜托你件事
so I'm putting out some karma. And do me a favor.
答应我 给我义演的那一天
Promise me one thing. When my benefit comes around,
你别主持 你不会当主持
you're not hosting. You're not hosting.
酷圣石冰淇淋店
我个人的话 喜欢用甜奶油做基底
Personally, I like sweet cream, as a base,
因为它不会掩盖混合辅料的味道
'cause it doesn't overwhelm the mix-ins.
对我来说 混合辅料的味道比较重要
For me, it's all about tasting the mix-ins.
大家常加的是奥利奥
Oreo Overload is popular.
我的休息时间到了 卡米拉 你可不可以
I'm gonna take my break, but Camilla-- Camilla, could you, uh,
帮我个忙
assist me, please?
谢谢 女士们
Thank you, ladies.
-怎么了 -你长胡茬了
- What? - You have stubble.
这个吗
This?
这把沙子粒
This... pinch of sand?
对 就像一把盐
Yeah! Just a sprinkle of salt.
还不习惯 我九天没刮胡子了
Yeah, don't get used to it. I haven't shaved in, like, nine days.
就这样
This is it.
你都看到了
You're looking at it.
-神奇吧 -神奇
- It's crazy. - That's crazy.
我不刮胡子 除了 除了这片
I don't shave. Except-- except these guys.
这片长出来比较重 我洗澡的时候就刮掉
These guys grow little hairs, so I clean 'em off in the shower.
不好意思 太恶心了
Sorry, that's gross.
-不恶心 -我就是个恶心的人
- It's not gross. - I'm a gross person.
大家都长毛发 我有一根汗毛就长在乳♥头♥上
No, we all hairs. I have this one hair, growing out of my nipple.
特别长 我可以刮掉它
It's, like, real long. I could shave it.
但是我就是不刮
But I'm not gonna shave it,
因为我想看看到底能长多长
'cause I wanna see how long it'll get.
很怪异 我有点引以为豪
It's so weird. I have, like, pride.
我很喜欢它 给它起名叫贝蒂
I love her. I call her Betty.
我要是认识一下贝蒂的话会很奇怪吗
Is it weird that I know Betty?
会让我难过
That makes me sad.
-我想让她成为我的小秘密 -不要
- I wanted her to be my little secret. - No.
不行
Oh, no.
-没事 挺可爱 你很可爱 -我知道
- No, it's lovely. You're lovely. - I know.
你应该感到骄傲
You should be proud.
-怎么了 -不知道 我感觉
- What? - I don't know, I feel like...
你要是留胡子的话能挺帅
you'd look cute with a beard.
是吗
Really?
我确实想过
I think about it, though.
长不出胡子来的最可怕的事情就是
The worst part of not being able to grow a beard,
这是男子气概的象征
it's like a-- it's a man thing.
如果我在一个荒岛上
You know? Like, if I'm on a desert island,
那种情况下男的都有胡子
you know, that's, like, when men grow beards.
肯定的 就像汤姆·汉克斯
I'm sure. Like Tom Hanks?
对 要是我在荒岛上 救援直升机飞过来
Yeah. If I was on a desert island, a rescue chopper would fly by,
他们往下看会觉得我没什么大碍
they'd look down and they'd think I was fine.
"咱们把那个...算了 把梯子收回来
"Oh, let's save that-- No. Roll the ladder back up.
那哥们就想着度假"
That guy's just looking to get away."
他就想在这待着
He wants to be here.
他胡子刮得挺干净的 他有生活用品
Yeah. He's clearly shaving, he's found resources.
太逗了 你应该写下来
That's so funny. You should write that down.
真的吗 你觉得这是个有响包袱
Really? You think that's stage funny?
是的 是个小段子
Yeah. It's a bit.
抱歉
Sorry.
糟糕 是格雷格 我能上"乱斗"了
Oh, shit, it's Greg. I got Rififi.
-太好了 -我能上"乱斗"了
- That's great. - I got Rififi!
他们想让我在"乱斗"上来五分钟 太好了
They want me to do five minutes on Rifi-- this is amazing!
我可能随了一嘴
I might've put in a little word.
什么
What?
是吗
You did?
-谢谢你 -不客气
- Thank you! - You're welcome. I just...
我跟他们说你很棒 因为你就是棒
I told 'em you're great, 'cause you're great.
我找了个干妈 谢谢
I got a sugar mama. Thank you!
"一元店"的员工能拿到什么折扣
What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store?
你们觉得是"随便拿"吗
Do you think it's just, take it?
随便拿吧 谢谢你在这工作
Just take it. Thanks for working here.
我不是一个特爷们的汉子 我不长胡子
I'm not, uh, a very manly guy. I can't grow a beard.
没什么大不了的 但是 我想到
Which is fine. But, you know, I was thinking about it.
我要是遭遇了坠机事故
What if I-- what if I'm in, like, a plane crash,
不得不在荒岛上生活怎么办
and I have to live on a deserted island?
我要是没长胡子的话 救援飞机飞过来
If I can't grow a beard, the rescue chopper's gonna come by,
他们看见我 会觉得我没事
they're gonna see me, they'll think I'm fine.
我估计他就是想度假的吧
I guess he just wanted to get away, because...