崩溃人生（2017）

我一直押错马了
I've been paying attention to the wrong horse.
我应该偷偷潜入你的马厩
I should've been sneaking into your stable.
你是"加满油"哥
You're the "Gas it up" guy.
-你可以的 -是的是的
- You got this. - Yes, yes, yes.
你们在哪里上学
Where do you guys go to school?
我只想说 我最喜欢你的节目
I just wanted to say, you were my favorite.
谢谢 太好了
Thank you. That's really nice.
-你叫什么名字 -娜丁
- What's your name? - Nadine.
娜丁 很高兴认识你
Hi, Nadine, nice to meet you.
你上哪个学校
What school do you go to?
厄勒姆学院 你可能没听说过
Earlham. Uh, you've probably never heard of it.
我去那里上学 也没听说过
I-- I go there, and I haven't heard of it.
很有趣
That's really funny.
-真的吗 -当然 你做喜剧秀吗
- Really? - Yeah. Do you do comedy?
我愿意 不过我觉得自己是情境所致的有趣
I would, but I think I'm more, like, situational funny,
而不是能写出有趣的东西
and than, like, writing funny.
但你真的太棒了
But you were so good.
谢谢 比如你说的那段跟小丑约会
Thank you. Like, that one bit you had about dating a mime,
我真是 天啊
I was like, oh my God.
我没说跟小丑约会的段子
I don't-- i don't have a bit about dating a mime.
糟糕 我今天看了太多喜剧演员了
Shit, I'm... I just-- I saw so many comedians today.
好吧
Sure.
你们的样子都混到一起了
It's-- You just guys all kind of just blurred together. You know?
嗯
Yeah.
-抱歉 -没事
- Uh, sorry. - It's okay.
-那好 -好的
- Okay. - Okay.
你去哪了 我一直在找你
Where'd you go? I-- I was looking for you.
大家都在下面
Everybody's down there.
来这
Came here.
我没订到大学
Didn't book any colleges,
所以在这借吃消愁
so I'm just, you know... eating my feelings.
火鸡三明治
Turkey club?
他们加鳄梨还是
They do avocado or...?
费城应该没这个
I don't think they have that in Philadelphia.
我约了六场
I booked six.
在市集那里 然后又在搅拌机那里社交
On the marketplace floor, and then I actually booked another one
又约到了一所
just networking at the mixer.
别说社交
Don't say networking.
抱歉 到底怎么回事
I'm sorry. What... What's going on?
你 怎么了
Are you-- What's happening?
这是你应得的 皮特 他们要的你都做了
You deserve it, Pete. You did everything they wanted, you know?
你在那一直说着"加满油"
You were out there gassing it up.
你生我气了
Are you upset? At me?
我就是来这完成任务的嘛
I... I just did what I thought we came here to do.
我们来这约演出的 要挣钱嘛
We're here to book shows. We're here to make some money.
-这跟钱没关系 -我没
- It's not about the money. - I didn't--
而是技艺 这里就是个马戏团
It's about the craft, and this whole place is a circus.
-嗯 我 -你真的以为克里斯·洛克会站那
- Yeah, I-- I-- - You really think Chris Rock would stand out there
等着某个年轻人用珍贵的预订
and wait for some teenager to validate his existence
来证明自己吗
with a precious booking?
克里斯·洛克不在酷圣石冰淇淋上班对吧
Chris Rock doesn't work at a Cold Stone Creamery, right?
我们要抓住机会
I mean, we take the opportunities as they come.
咱们没有挑三拣四的资本
We can't pick and choose.
我真的 你没约成真是太可惜了
I really... I'm sorry you didn't book.
但你知道
But, you know...
你也不怎么配合
it's not-- you didn't exactly play ball.
什么
Excuse me?
你在那乱爆粗口 还说强♥奸♥的段子
You're up there swearing, and you told rape jokes.
我在表演
I was doing my act!
-我知道 -那是反强♥奸♥的段子
- No, I know... - And it was an anti-rape joke,
你根本就没听
if you were even listening.
瞧 我想做的是
Yeah, see? 'Cause, what I do is,
用这个机会让年轻人觉得自己没那么孤单
I use that opportunity to make young people feel less alone,
跟你正好相反
as opposed to what you did,
你就会在那扯淡
which was, um, take a shit on the stage.
你怎么能这么说 我们来这不是改变人生的
How can you say that? We're not here to change lives.
我们是改善自己的生活的
We're here to change our lives.
他们说了别说"强♥奸♥"的段子 你还上来就说
They just said, don't say "Rape," and you open with rape.
我才不管他们怎么说
I don't care what they said.
我知道自己表演什么
I know what kind of stand-up I should do!
不用别人来告诉我说什么
I don't need someone else dictating my act!
看清现状啊 现在不是站出来
Read the situation. This wasn't the time to take a stand
改变人生的时候 我们需要工作
and try and change lives. We're trying to get work.
你知道我看着自己的男朋友
Do you know what it was like for me to watch
跪舔校园活动协会是什么感觉吗
my boyfriend up there sucking NACA's dick?
我们就是来跪舔校园活动协会的
We're supposed to suck NACA's dick, that's why we came here!
我们的目的就是跪舔校园活动协会 那就干呗
You came here to suck NACA's dick, suck NACA's dick!
说真的 你太恶心了
Honestly, honetstly you're disgusting.
我不需要你来教我怎么约演出 好吗 皮特
I don't need advice from you on how to book, Pete, okay?
不好意思 如果你真的够厉害 既然都来了
Well, I'm sorry. If you're so above this, why did you come,
为什么不拼尽全力去表演呢
if you don't wanna gas it up a little bit?
我来这约演出的
I came here to book.
我来这想找份稳定工作
I came here to try to turn this into a career.
我不想当开场的
I don't wanna be a fucking open miker!
你想吗
Do you?
想啊 这是我的梦想呢
Yes! That's my dream!
好吧
Okay.
我不 我们别吵了好吗
I don't-- Can we... Can we back this up a little bit?
对不起
I'm... I'm sorry.
好吗 真的
Okay? I really am.
很抱歉这事没有如你所愿 我以为会一切顺利的
I'm sorry that it didn't go your way. I thought it would.
我觉得你特别棒 好吗
I thought you were great. Okay?
但我约到了
But, you know, I booked.
这还挺 对咱俩都是机会
That's... That's some-- That's good for us.
听着
Listen.
我需要有人帮我开场
I'm probably gonna need somebody to open for me,
你愿意的话
if you want to--
帮你开场
Someone to open for you?
-我们可以 -去你♥妈♥的♥
- Something we can-- - Fuck you!
-拜托 我 -去死吧你 皮特
- Come on, I-- - Throw yourself on a fucking fire, Pete.
靠
Fuck.
五分钟后走
Hey, we leave in five.
你给前台打个电♥话♥
Also, can you call downstairs
说我们没有浴袍
and tell 'em we never got any robes?
你在干吗 偷浴袍
What are you... you stealing robes?
是的 我经常冲澡
Yeah, I take a lot of baths.
我们马上就要走了
We're gonna get going soon.
你没事吧
You okay?
嗯 我没事
Yeah, I guess, I'm fine.
我第一次在校园活动协会演出时 演砸了
You know, the first time I did a NACA, I bombed really hard.
得了吧
All right.
我说真的 我在展位上
No, I'm serious. Like, I was standing in the booth,
旁边有个杂耍和催眠师
and there was a juggler near me and a hypnotist,
他们在那显摆
and they're just showing off,
我就只能一直说说说
and I was like, well, I just talk, you know?
但你成功了呀
Well, you know, things worked out for you, so...
但擅长这个没好处的
You don't wanna be good at this thing, though.
你不是一罐可乐
You're not a can of Coke.
你有另一条路走
You have a different path.
有的喜剧演员了解这个世界
There's certain comics that know this world
但有时候他们也会陷进去
and... but then sometimes, they're stuck in it.
还挺可怕的
And that's kind of creepy.
-你声音怎么了 -什么意思
- What happened to your voice? - What do you mean?
你不一直像是青蛙柯密特
I mean, you always sound like kermit the Frog
被踢到蛋了吗
just got kicked in the nuts.
-是吧 -现在就是正常人的声音了
- I guess so. - Right now, you just sound like a human.
怎么搞的
What's up with that?
怎么搞的
What's up with that?
你在学我吗
Are you doing me?
真的吗
Really?