崩溃人生（2017）

是啊 我告诉你 人生很操蛋
Yeah, well, life can be a pretty fucked up thing, I'll tell you.
它可能会相当复杂
It can be, uh... be pretty confusing.
我理解你 兄弟 我理解
I feel for you, man. I do.
是不是很棒 血液流通 呼吸新鲜空气
Isn't this nice? I mean, get the blood going, get fresh air?
他们说运动能释放...
You know, they say exercise gets the, uh, releases the, um--
内啡肽 如果你说出"内啡肽"这个词
Endorphins. Yeah, if-- if you say "Endorphins" Right now,
我就把你扔到桥底下去
I'm gonna throw you off a bridge.
我得... 我得...
I-- I'm just-- I just gotta--
我得坐下来 我很开心
I gotta sit down. I'm having a good time.
我只是得坐会 我很累
I just gotta sit down, I'm tired.
这里看起来不太干净
It doesn't look clean.
我们走之前我会给你消毒的
I'll disinfect you when we leave.
但确实感觉很不错
This, uh... this does feel nice, though.
我没开玩笑 我真的感觉更好了
I... I'm not kidding, I really feel better.
我感觉自己或许应该经常运动
I feel like I should, uh, do this more often,
多呼吸新鲜空气
and... and just breathe air.
我感觉变年轻了
I feel young, you know.
我很开心
I'm glad.
谢谢你
Thank you.
我喜欢看你这样
I like seeing you like this.
真的吗
You do, yeah?
你年轻的时候我还不认识你
It's like-- I didn't know you when you were young.
你年轻的时候那是什么年代了
When were you young?
30年代
The '30s.
那是个好时候 看到了吧
Those were good times, see?
你本来可以做个很棒的黑帮头目
You would've been a great gang boss.
你知道吗 这是你对我说过的最好的话了
You know what? That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
说实话 这真的很棒
Uh, honestly, this is very, very cute,
但马上就要开始演变成一场约会了 所以
but it's gonna start turning into a date pretty soon, so, uh...
我要走了 今晚见
I'm gonna get going. I'll see you tonight.
-如何 -好的
- Right? - Yeah.
谢了兄弟
Thanks, man, you know,
这样做不是为了要你感谢
this really was something else.
-我很感谢你 -没事
- I appreciate it. - Yeah.
我爱你 兄弟
I love you, buddy.
我也爱你
I love you, man.
回见
I'll see you.
好的 好好照顾自己
Okay. Take care of yourself, man.
再见 亚瑟 我喜欢你这件衬衫
Bye, Arthur. I love that shirt.
我知道了
I get it.
非常感谢 谢谢你能来"地下村"
Thanks very much. Thanks for coming to the Village Underground.
今晚有一个非常棒的节目
We got a great show tonight.
阿迪·兰格会来领衔
Uh, and Artie Lange will be here later to headline.
你们 你们玩得开心吗
Are you guys-- you having fun?
好的 很好
Okay, good, um...
今晚 你们的钱
tonight, your-- your money,
将会花得很值
is actually going to a very good cause.
我已经超级激动了 让我们好好欣赏节目吧
All right? I'm super excited, so let's have a great show!
-你来了 -你好
- There he is. - Hey.
最近怎么样 感觉如何
How's it goin', how you feelin'?
我感觉非常好 我去了那边 票卖♥♥完了
I'm feeling really good. I went down there, it's sold out.
-我知道 -很不可思议
- I know. - This is fantastic.
-谢谢 -他们要见到你都很激动
- Thank you. - They're very excited to see you.
-我什么时候上场 -你是第四个
- When am I going on? - You are on, uh, fourth.
然后阿迪在你后面出场 作为今晚压轴
And then Artie will come up after you to close the show.
完美 谢谢你 像贝比一样扫荡全场
Perfect, thank you. Clean up, like the Babe.
这就够了小猪 这就够了
That'll do, pig. That'll do.
《小猪贝贝》台词
我说的是那个打棒球的贝比
Yeah, I'm talkin' about the baseball guy.
-我知道 我知道 -你确定吗
- Yeah, I know, I know. - You sure?
是的
Yeah, yeah.
好的 谢谢你们 谢谢
All right, thanks, you guys, thank you.
我对一场贝多芬音乐会的模仿 开始咯
My impression of a Beethoven concert, here we go.
请大家欢迎 来自波恩的指挥
Please welcome, direct from Bonn...
贝多芬
it's Beethoven.
-阿迪到了吗 -我还没看到他
- Is Artie here yet? - I haven't seen him.
谢谢大家 很高兴来到这
Thank you very much, it's great to be here.
因为这是巡演的最后一晚了
Uh, since this is the last night of the tour,
我就只演奏热门曲目了
I'm just gonna play the hits.
我是阿迪 请留言
Yeah, this is Artie, leave a message.
我的音乐会也是这样开始的
I start my concerts the same way.
准备好欣赏古典了吗
Are you ready to classical?
我听不到你们的声音
I can't hear you!
不 我听不到 我完全聋了
No, I can't hear you. I'm completely deaf.
我能弹钢琴是个奇迹
It's a miracle I can play piano.
好了 我的时间到了 带给你们最后一首
All right, that's my time. I'm gonna leave you with this one.
该死的阿迪
Fucking Artie!
老天 太对不起了
Oh my God! I am so sorry!
原谅我 真的很对不起
Excuse me! Sorry!
对不起 对不起
Sorry! Sorry!
我刚刚跟我爸在一起
I was just with my father. Um,
太难以置信了 我们度过了最棒的时光
it's unbelievable. We had the best time--
抱歉 我是皮特
Hi, sorry. Uh... I'm Pete.
-你好 -你好
- Hello. - Hi.
-杰西卡 -怎么了
- Jessica? - Yes?
我正在找一个喜剧演员
I-- I'm looking for a comedian, uh, our headliner,
在街角的那家"地下村"
around the corner, at the Underground,
我们的主演来晚了
is-- is running late.
我需要一个人来表演五到十分钟
I just need somebody to do, like, five, 10 minutes?
-你可以吗 -我刚点了鹰嘴豆泥
- If you could? - Ohh, I just ordered hummus.
我很抱歉
I'm so sorry.
我不知道这会不会让你改主意
Uh, it-- I don't know if it makes a difference,
这个表演是一场义演
it's a-- it's a benefit.
韦恩·费德曼 你认识他吗
Wayne Federman, do you know him?
他 他
He-- He's--
他得了癌症
He has cancer, and um, Ooh...
所有的收入都会用于他的治疗 观众都很热情
all the money's going to his bills. It's a really good crowd.
-气氛真的... -好的 我表演十分钟
- Like, pheneom-- - Okay, okay. I'll do 10.
-好吗 -好的
- Okay? - Yeah.
如果阿迪没来的话 你结束了的时候
So, if Artie's not there, by the time you're done,
我会指给你看下一个表演的是谁
I'll just point to who's next,
如果可以的话 你就提一下他们
and-- and you can bring them up, if that's okay.
好的 所以现在你想要我顺便也主持一下
Okay, so now you want me to host, too?
不 只是互相配合一下
No, just, like, tag team.
我不做这种配合
I don't tag team.
我跟另一个女人合法结婚了
I am legally married to another woman,
但没事 我们看起来都很女性化的
but it's fine, 'cause we're both feminine-looking.
她很性感
But she's really hot.
你会对着她打飞机的 她真的很性感
You would jerk off to her, she's really hot.
我猜是因为我们很像 都留着长卷发
I guess we look alike. 'Cause we both have long, curly hair.
很多人问我们是不是姐妹 这是个大问题
People ask if we're sisters. That's a big question.
"你们是姐妹吗" 哪家姐妹会在"家得宝"
"Are you guys sisters?" I'm like, if sisters finger each other
互相手♥淫♥的...
in Home Depot..."
我还记得我们结婚的时候
I remember when we were getting married,
我是犹太人而她不是 所以我比较高贵
I'm Jewish and she's not, so I'm chosen...
我父母不在意我跟一个女人结婚了
and my parents didn't care that I was marrying a woman.
这点很棒 他们不介意
That's the great part, they could care less.
你们知道他们介意的是什么吗
You know what they cared about?
她不是犹太人 是不是很让人吃惊
That she wasn't Jewish, isn't that amazing?
如果你们中有犹太人的话
Anyone who's a Jew in the crowd
会理解这点的
is gonna understand that.
所以他们开始叨叨我
So they started calling me,
你可以在婚礼菜单上不加猪肉吗
"Can you just not serve pork at the wedding?"
你介意不加猪肉吗
Do you mind just not serving pork?
我回答说 你们是在为我吃的东西感到沮丧吗
I'm like, "That's what you're upset I'm eating?"
我是阿迪 请留言
Yeah, this is Artie, leave a message.
有场义演 阿迪来晚了
It's a benefit, Artie's running late,
我需要一个人来表演15分钟左右
I just need somebody to do, like, 15?
来吧 哥们
Come on, man.
准备好了吗 快来
Ready? Come on!
我不想跑去现场