崩溃人生（2017）

Mohammed has the ball.
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥把球传给了穆♥罕♥默♥德♥
Mohammed pass the ball to Mohammed.
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥传给艾哈迈德
Mohammed to Achmed.
艾哈迈德传给哈迈达
Achmed to Hameda.
哈迈达传给穆♥罕♥默♥德♥
Hameda to Mohammed.
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥传给穆♥罕♥默♥德♥
Mohammed to Mohammed.
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥传给穆♥罕♥默♥德♥
Mohammed to Mohammed.
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥传给穆♥罕♥默♥德♥
Mohammed to Mohammed.
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥ 穆♥罕♥默♥德♥ 穆♥罕♥默♥德♥
Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed,
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥ 穆♥罕♥默♥德♥ 进了
Mohammed, Mohammed... goal!
现在这样就像《鸭子王朝》的人物
I look like I belong on Duck Dynasty.
不 我...
No. I--
-还挺酷的 -没错
- That's kind of cool. - Yeah.
才怪 他们是出了名的种族主义者
No, it's not! They're famously racist!
我可以再多剃掉一点
I can shave it a little more.
你想让我在另一边多剃掉一点吗
Do you want me to just go a little more on the other side?
真♥他♥妈♥不敢相信
I don't fucking believe it.
惠特尼·卡明斯
Whitney Cummings!
棒
Yeah!
这样看起来很不错
Aw, this looks great.
现在大家都留这样的胡子
This is how everyone is wearing their beards now.
蠢货才这样
Idiots do this!
蠢货才会选择这样的造型
An idiot would choose this!
还可以 她在努力了
It's okay. It's-- She's trying.
谁会去理发店
Who would go into a fucking barber shop
说"你好 我想要个一塌糊涂的造型"
and say, "Hey! I want to look all fucked up!"
那要不剃成山羊胡吧
Why don't we do a goatee, then?
-我们应该... 没错 -好吧
- We should just-- Yeah. - Yeah!
我过去上台总犹豫不决
I always used to go back and forth
不知该何时说出我是同性恋
with when I would say I was gay on stage,
因为我不想让谁觉得不舒服
'cause I wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
但我会确保每次都说
But I make a point to always do it,
因为我不想在座的你们怀疑
because I don't want any of you guys sitting and wondering
我是个样子奇怪的直女 你们懂我意思吧
if I'm an awkward-lookin' straight girl, you know what I mean?
想想如果我上台说"各位
Think how weird it would get in here if I was like,
我与男人交往出问题了" 这样多诡异
"Guys, I'm having problems with men."
你们肯定会想"我正希望如此 搞什么啊"
You'd be like, "Yeah, I'd fucking hope so. What the hell?"
我甚至没来得及开始我的事业
I didn't even have a fucking chance to get my career started.
你看着像卖♥♥黑胶唱片的 很性感
You look like you sell vinyl, it's a hot look.
我看着就像看激光盘毛♥片♥的
I look like I watch porn on laser disc.
我看着就像高♥潮♥后看毛♥片♥的
I look like I watch porn after I'm done coming.
-小胡子行吗 -来吧
- Mustache? - Do it.
我第一次遇到
Like, the first time I was ever with someone
有人想让我颜♥射♥时
that wanted me to hit them in the face sexually,
我给我妈打了电♥话♥
I called my mom.
我不顾当时那个情况 打电♥话♥给我妈
I left the situation, I called my mom,
我说"她想让我颜♥射♥"
I said, "She wants me to hit her in the face,"
我妈问"周二就这样吗"
and my mom goes, "On a Tuesday"?
"如果她周二就想要这样
"If that's what she wants on a Tuesday,
周五又会怎样
what'll happen on a Friday?
你快离开那里"
You get out of there!"
我他妈要崩溃了
I'm fuckin' freaking out here.
我挺喜欢的
I like it.
我看着就像必须得向四邻说明我是谁
I look like I have to announce who I am to the neighborhood.
波特·哈里斯请到后台 你五分钟后上场
Porter Harris to the stage, please. You're on in five.
我觉得你应该全剃掉
I think you-- I think you should take it off.
-想剃掉吗 -直接...
- Want to take it off? - Just--
好 剃吧 快剃掉
Yeah, take it off! Get it off me!
快剃掉
Get it off me!
这是你的错
This is your fault.
你说什么呢
What are you talking about?
蓬乱 你说我的胡子蓬乱 人们喜欢蓬乱
Scraggly. You said my beard was scraggly. People like scraggly!
我说的不是胡子
It's not supposed to be about the beard.
我说的是你的素材 不是你的脸毛
It's supposed to be about the material, not your facial hair.
好吧 你现在又质疑我的素材了
Oh, okay. Oh, so you're shitting on my material now.
-就在我上全国性电视台前 -不
- Before I go on national television. - No!
你♥他♥妈♥在玩我吗
Are you fucking kidding me?
只是那些素材我不喜欢
It's just not for me.
或许正因为这样 我站上了这里 你没有
Well, maybe that's why I'm here, and you're not here.
因为你没有优势 因为你不想...
Because you don't have the edge. Right? 'Cause you don't want--
那不是优势
It's not edge.
我从未见过你一个笑话用同样的方式讲两次
I've never seen you do a joke the same way twice.
-你曾把想法记下来吗 -这叫自♥由♥发挥
- Have you ever written anything down? - It's called being free.
-这不是自♥由♥发挥 -我在即兴创作
- It's not being free! - I'm riffing!
这本应该是辛勤努力的回报
This is supposed to be a reward for hard work.
你只是喝个烂醉 蒙混过去
You're just fucking getting drunk and sliding your way through!
你在玩我吗 这种时候跟我说这些
Are you fucking kidding me, you're doing this to me right now?
讲几个胡子的笑话并不能成就或破坏
A couple beard jokes aren't going to make or break
你在台上的表现
what you do out there.
我的胡子 刮掉了 我刮掉了我的开场词
My beard, I shaved it. I shaved off my opener!
操
Fuck!
快点快点 上台了
Come on, come on. Let's go. Let's go.
波特
Porter...
他就像未经雕琢的钻石一样闪耀
He just shined like a diamond in the rough.
其实更像布满红色阴毛的钻石
Uh, kind of, more like a diamond covered in red pubes,
你们看了就知道
you'll see.
有请波特·哈里斯
Please welcome, Porter Harris!
你好啊 纽约
Hey, New York City.
嗯
Yeah.
我觉得无所适从
Uh... I just feel-- I'm so uncomfortable.
我其实是留胡子的
I had a... I had a beard,
就在半小时之前
like, 30 minutes ago.
然后我朋友 一个烂人
And then my friend, a piece of shit...
说服我应该刮了
...convinced me that I should shave it.
我照做了 我刮了胡子
And I did, I shaved off my beard,
就在刚才走上台之前刮的
before walking on stage, just now.
我有两到四分钟都是说胡子的
Uh, and I have two to four minutes of beard material
现在无用武之地了 所以
that is now useless, so...
我是不是还该说
Should I still do it?
-说 -我要讲胡子的笑话吗
- Yeah! - Should I do my beard jokes?
你们能凭想象吗
Can you just imagine it?
也不是很难 毕竟我人都站这了
It's not hard, there's so many of me now.
我看着有点像恋童癖
I mean, I sort of look like a pedophile
来本地采购手工糖果似的
who makes locally sourced artisanal candy.
此刻我依然挺像的
Now I still kind of look like one.
但想象有胡子的我
But imagine if I had a beard.
然后你们就会想 我都看不到他全部的嘴
'Cause then you're just like, "I can't see all of his lips.
那嘴用来干吗的 舔小朋友啊
What do they do?" They lick children.
我再跟大家说点别的
And I'll tell you something else.
很多人对于真人版《美女与野兽》
There were a lot of people that were upset
那部电影都很失望
about that live-action Beauty and the Beast movie.
不仅是因为拍得烂
And not just because it sucked.
是因为里面有同性恋情侣
But because it had a gay couple in it.
让我觉得挺诡异的
Which I think is, like, weird,
因为电影是关于
because the movie is about
瘦弱的英国女孩
an anemic British girl
被一个怪物给干了
just getting gaped by a werepit.
就好像
Like, it's literally just...
谢谢 非常感谢
Thank you, thank you so much.
他的鸡鸡像熊一样
He's got one of those, like, bear penises
还有那么粗的毛
with the guard hairs on it, just...
那个钟就在那看着
The clock's just watching.
他的小分针就立起来了
His little minute hand sticking out.
小变♥态♥钟 只会看
Little pervert clock, all they do is watch.
我靠 他好搞笑
Shit, he's funny.
谢谢大家 我的表演结束了
Thank you, guys. That's my time.
真的很感谢各位 谢谢
Honestly, thank you so much. Thank you.
真的好疯狂
This is-- this is crazy.
波特·哈里斯好棒啊
How great is Porter Harris!
感觉太疯狂了 我觉得自己跟嗑药了一样
It's a crazy feeling. I feel like I'm on coke.
真是不可思议 你表现得太棒了