保佑哈特

天气特别通告
晚上好 我是梅凯·布勒
Good evening, I'm MayKay Bueller.
今晚的头条新闻 传言是真的
Our top story tonight... the rumors are true.
今年我们或许会迎来白色圣诞节
We might be getting a white Christmas this year, y'all!
12台的《阿大天气》会给你带来详细情况 阿大
TV 12's Big Weathers has the details. Uh, Big?
没错 梅凯
That's right, MayKay,
在接下来12到78小时内
there might be the possibility of a winter storm
或者分钟内
any time in the next 12
可能会有
to 78 hours
冬季暴风雪
or minutes
降雪量预计范围为
with estimates of precipitation ranging anywhere
0到26英寸
from zero to 26 inches.
相应的几率
with the chance of that being
从不大可能到极有可能
not very to very likely.
有情况随时跟我们汇报 阿大 因为如你所知
Keep us posted, Big, because as you know,
虽然我们南方人很喜欢雪
as much as we southerners love snow,
但我们并不习惯
we are not used to it.
你能给我们一些建议吗 阿大
Can you give us some pointers, Big?
首先 你需要补给品
First things first, you need supplies.
立刻到杂货店
So get to the grocery store immediately
购买♥♥面包和牛奶
to buy bread and milk.
否则你将冻死和挨饿 阿大
Otherwise you'll freeze to death and starve, Big.
接下来 注意霜冻
Next, be on the lookout for signs of frostbite...
以及乳白天空 开车时
...whiteouts, and when driving,
时刻假设你是在薄冰上行驶
always assume you're on black ice.
无声杀手 阿大
The silent killer, Big.
保佑哈特
第一季 第九集
记得这个吗
Aw, remember this one?
我从不知道圣诞老人有这么多爱好
I never knew Santa had so many hobbies.
冲浪 钓鱼 他哪儿来那么多时间做这些事
Surfing, fishing-- how does he find time to do all this stuff?
我告诉你
I'll tell you how.
奴隶劳工 那台摩托车
Slave labor-- that motorcycle right there?
是用契约精灵的眼泪制♥造♥出来的
Built with the tears of indentured elves.
好了
Okay!
大家准备好 光来了
Everyone get ready. Here come the lights.
你把这叫做树
You call that a tree?
查理·布朗式狗屁
Charlie Brown bullcrap.
妈 出去
Mother... go outside.
你在干什么 念念不忘我们
What are you doing, obsessing over some Christmas
不可能拥有的圣诞节
that we can't have?
我不想让维奥莱
I don't want you making Violet feel bad
为我们的圣诞节感到难过
about the Christmas we do have.
你可以把你的拥抱包裹起来
Well, you can try and wrap your hugs
放在树下 但是 珍妮
and put 'em under the tree or some crap, but, Jenny,
我们都知道除非你给她袜子里塞满高级礼物
we both know that little girl isn't gonna love you properly
她是不会全心全意爱你的
unless you bust her stocking with some fancy gifts.
露易丝有暗示
Well, Louise has been hinting
她会给我们发圣诞节奖金
that she's gonna give us Christmas bonuses.
别担心
Okay, well, don't you worry.
圣诞老人贝蒂今年会给大家买♥♥礼物
Santa Betty's gonna provide this year.
看看我收到了什么信
Look what I got in the mail.
天 那是什么
Oh, Lord, what's that?
这是我膀胱网片的赔偿金支票
It's my bladder mesh settlement check!
圣诞节我包了
Christmas is on me!
准备好收到最奢华的礼物
Get ready for the most luxury gifts.
博克斯通 贝尔克百货商店
Brookstone's, Belk's,
费列罗巧克力球
Ferrero Rocher's chocolate balls!
趁我网片破裂 我要冲天撒钱
Just like when my mesh broke, I am gonna make it rain.
再去看看
Look again.
邮箱里可能还有2000张支票
There might be 2,000 more checks in there.
*我有个惊喜*
* I have a surprise. *
谢谢你 露易丝
Thank you, Louise.
我太需要这个了
Oh, I need this so bad.
什么
What?!
奖金在哪
Where the hell is the bonus?
丹尼尔·寇普和露易丝·寇普诚邀你参加
"You are cordially invited to Daniel and Louise Culp's
一年一度的圣诞宴会 冒号♥
"annual Christmas Extravaganza, colon,
一个喜悦 灯光
"a Festival of Joy, Lights,
欢乐与友谊以及佳音的节日
"Merriment and Fellowship, and Good Tidings.
你最近表现好吗 问号♥
"Have You Been Good, question mark.
圣诞老人来了派对 感叹号♥
Santa's Coming Party, exclamation point"?
为什么丹尼尔的头这么大
Why is Daniel's head so big?
丹尼尔因为要开会
Oh, Daniel couldn't make the photo shoot
所以没能赶上拍照
because he had a businessman meeting,
所以我把他P了进去
so I computer-shopped him in.
露易丝 哈特家有自己的
Well, Louise, the Hart Family has a pretty big blowout
圣诞活动
of our own planned.
我诚挚地回复 "不去"
I cordially say, "Hell no."
强制参加
It's mandatory.
祝你快要到的生日快乐
Happy almost birthday!
你多大了
Hey, how old are you?
给你点提示 想想今年是哪年
Little hack for that-- just think what year it is,
我就有多大
and that's how old I am.
你有什么宏大计划吗
Do you have any big plans?
我是希望
Well, I was hoping to just do, you know,
在家和家人简单地过圣诞
a simple Christmas at home with my family,
但露易丝要让我们去
but Louise is making us
参加她豪华 阔绰的圣诞派对
go to her big, fancy-butt, richie-rich Christmas party.
听上去你的圣诞袜里已经装了东西
Sounds like you've already got something in your Christmas stocking--
一颗嫉妒之心
a lump of jealousy.
什么 我才没有嫉妒
What? I'm not jealous.
只是露易丝的圣诞节会非常炫酷
It's just that Louise's Christmas is gonna be so show-off amazing,
会让我们愚蠢的小圣诞节看上去像是纸盘上的
it's gonna make our dumb, little Christmas look like a cold turd
冰冷粪便
on a paper plate.
好吧 或许我是有点嫉妒
Well, okay, maybe I am a little jealous.
感到嫉妒很正常
Feelings of jealousy are completely normal.
但别让它毁了你的圣诞节
But don't let it ruin your Christmas.
我也会嫉妒
I get jealous, too, you know.
真的吗 你能嫉妒谁
You do? Who could you possibly be jealous of?
等等 我想想
W-W-Wait, let me think, let me think.
克里斯·安吉尔[魔术师]
Criss Angel?
你说克里斯·安吉尔吗
Did you say Criss Angel?
不是
No.
我说的是圣诞老人
I'm talking about Santa.
乘虚而入我的生日
Swooping in on my birthday,
像个周末酷爹一样分发礼物
handing out gifts like some cool weekend dad.
等等 我该嫉妒克里斯·安吉尔吗
Wait, should I be jealous of Criss Angel?
不 我觉得不需要
No, I mean, I mean, I don't think so.
你的回答应该明确得多 珍妮
That should have been a way more definitive answer, Jenny.
那根本不是他的真名 你知道吗
That's not even his real name, you know?
是克里斯托弗·尼古拉斯·萨拉恩塔科斯
It's Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos.
你飞机坠落的时候念这个名字
Say that when your plane's going down.
拜托 我需要一个圣诞奇迹
Hmm, come on! I need a Christmas miracle.
好好想想 贝蒂
Think, Betty, think.
刮刮乐 退货 科尔士优♥惠♥券
Scratchers, returns, Kohl's Cash?
不 得跳出固有的思维模式
No, got to think outside the box.
生物 卖♥♥血 偷肾
Biology-- selling blood, stealing kidneys?
障眼法 假死
Sleight of hand? Fake my own death?
社保诈骗
Social Security fraud?
贩卖♥♥秘密 叛国
Selling secrets, treason?
外婆 外婆
Gram? Gram!
你还好吗
Are you okay?
你又在咕哝叛国了
You were mumbling "treason" to yourself again.
不 我不好
No, I am not okay!
我不能再过一个一元店折扣圣诞节
I can't do another discount Dollar Tree Christmas!
忍♥着 老妈
Well, suck it up, Mother.
等我们第一时间
Our Christmas is gonna be great
假装享受露易丝的圣诞派对回家后
as soon as we get back from pretending
我们的圣诞节会很棒
to enjoy Louise's Christmas party.
这会是那种主日学校举办的
Is this gonna be a Sunday School
只提供饼干和酷爱饮料的活动吗