黑色星期一

Black Monday S01E03

Part 1 March 17, 2020, 12:43 p.m.

黑色星期一
第一季第三集
《黑色星期一》前情提要
Previously on Black Monday...
你怎么让布莱尔一结婚
How are you gonna get Blair
就把他的乔治纳股份交出来呢
to just give us his Georgina shares once he's married?
蒂芙·乔治纳的男朋友
我会和他建立一种父子关系
I'm gonna form a father-son
和《细路仔》里面相反的那种
reverse Diffrent Strokes.
你个娘娘腔混的还好吗
What's up, queef?
基斯是同性恋吗
Keith is a...homo?
我要的只是我们打下江山的一部分
All I want is a piece of what we built.
要是我们不打算做交易我得走了
If we're not gonna do this deal, I got to go.
我不擅长和人相处
I am not a people person.
但你知道谁既擅长为人又会计算吗
Do you know who's really good?
我的合伙人道恩
My partner, Dawn.
不然她怎么拥有我公♥司♥15%的股份
Why else do you think she's got 15% of my company?
离黑色星期一还有36♥4♥天
离黑色星期一还有339天
开枪
Pull!
快点两个鼻孔一起
Hurry! Use both nostrils!
它们对着你嘎嘎叫呢伙计
They're quacking at you, man!
-好样的 -去死吧臭鸭子
- Yeah! - Die, quackers!
天啊这图像也太逼真了
God, these graphics are so realistic.
-分数完美 -我下班后一定得宰几只鸭子
- Perfect score. - I have to kill ducks after work.
我孩子得乐疯了明天是他的成人礼
My kid is gonna plotz. His bar mitzvah's tomorrow.
这玩意儿根本抢不到
This thing is impossible to get.
队排得比我雇来排队的鸡的乳♥头♥还长
The line's bigger than the tits on the 'tute I paid to wait in it.
说到父子关系那点屁事
Hey, speaking of fathers and sons and shit,
我需要一点建议小基斯
I need a little advice, Keithy.
铁哥们的意义就在于此
That's what best friends are for.
鉴于我是拔屌♥界的拳王阿里
Look, given that i'm the Muhammad Ali of pulling out,
我至今没有亲生儿子
I don't have any sons of my own.
澄清一下是我拔屌♥的技术
To clarify, I'm as good at pulling out
和拳王阿里的拳击技术一样好
as Muhammad Ali is at boxing.
他在拔屌♥方面就很糟糕了
He is terrible at pulling out.
他有九个孩子吧跟五个女人生的
He's got, like, nine kids, five moms.
不如说是赡养费阿里
More like Ali-mony.
我想跟布莱尔建立一种父子关系
Look, I want to form a father-son relationship with Blair, you know,
这样我就能靠得够近
so I can get close enough
然后从背后捅他一刀
to him to stab him in the back.
收买♥♥他的爱比如那个任天堂游戏机
Oh, buy his love. Like that Nintendo.
你说是吧那东西能让
I mean, right? That bad boy's gonna make
我孩子彻底忘掉
my kid forget all about the time
他撞见我上吊的场景
he walked in on me trying to hang myself.
-什么鬼 -你就不能像个正常人一样撸吗
- What the hell? - Why can't you just jerk off like a regular guy?
这叫窒息手♥淫♥好吗
It's called asphyx-turbation, all right?
一边撸管
You know, you choke your chicken
一边掐脖子
while you choke yourself.
这是我跟INXS乐队的一个朋友学的
I learned it from my friend in that band, uh, INXS.
-爽翻了 -收买♥♥爱管用
- It's amazing. - Buying love works.
我忘了孩子的生日
You know, I forgot my kid's birthday.
然后我去给他买♥♥了
I went and I got him
一个真正在电影里出现过的达斯·维达面具
one of the actual Darth Vader masks from the movie.
是《绝地归来》里那个吗
Oh, uh, Return of the Jedi?
不是那个我买♥♥不起所以我买♥♥的是
No, I couldn't afford that, so I got the o-one
《宅男复仇》里强♥奸♥戏用的那个
from the rape scene in Revenge of the Nerds.
但建立关系不只是给他们买♥♥奢侈玩意
But bonding isn't just about buying them expensive shit.
你还得带他们去见识奢侈场面
It's about taking them to expensive shit, too.
布莱尔是玉米地里长大的
Blair was born in a cornfield.
什么事都能震住他对吧
Everything impresses him, right?
所以你只要带他出去
So just take him out
过一次他永远记不得的豪华版纽约夜生活
to a VIP NYC night he'll never remember.
-这就对了 -所以做家长
- That's the ticket. - So parenting is
就跟约会一样只是没有性
just like dating, but with no sex.
好极了
And that's great,
我可是约会界的迈克尔·杰克逊
'cause I'm the Michael Jackson of dating.
澄清一下是我的约会技术
To clarify, I'm as good at dating
和迈克尔·杰克逊约小孩的技术一样好
as Michael Jackson is at dating kids.
开涮迈克尔·杰克逊娈童案
波姬·小丝[美国明星及CK创始人]
Brooke Shields.
天啊已经十一点半了
Jesus. It's 11:30.
我们能开晨会了吗
Can we please start the goddamn morning meeting?
谁想赌双倍
Hey, who wants to go double or nothing?
-太好了 -两万块赌你连一只鸭子都打不着
- Yes! - 20 gs you don't get one duck.
好了你们这些毒罐
All right, while you coke piñatas
拼着流鼻血时
have been comparing nosebleeds,
我搞定了很大一部分乔治纳的公共股份
I secured a large chunk of public Georgina shares,
也就是说如果老蒙能拿到布莱尔的家族股份
which means if Mo can get Blair's family shares...
应该说"当老蒙拿到布莱尔的家族股份时"
"When Mo gets Blair's family shares."
我们就接近所需的51%股权了
...we're on our way to the 51% we need,
但没这么简单
but there's a twist.
谢天谢地我快无聊死了
Thank God. I was so bored.
本季度将在48小时后结束
The quarter ends in 48 hours.
如果我们把这么多股份记在账上
If we file with this much on our books,
所有人都会知道我们的计划
everyone will know the shot.
我们的空壳公♥司♥都满了也就是说
Our shell companies are full, so that means
我们需要一些人帮我们把股份藏起来
we need some people to hide the shares for us
直到收♥购♥的时候
until the takeover.
我们的海外空壳公♥司♥呢
What about our overseas shells?
我们都卖♥♥了
We sold our overseas shells.
在海边卖♥♥的吗
By the seashore?
"She sells seashells by the seashore." 经典绕口令
拜托各位
Come on, fellas.
这件事不好办
This is a tightrope.
我们要找的人
We need people who
在我们要收回股份时不能搞我们
won't fuck us over when we need the shares back
但同时我们也不介意搞他们
but who we don't mind fucking over
让他们牵涉进重罪好吗
by implicating in a felony, all right?
基本上就是我们的亲朋好友吧
Basically, our dearest family and friends.
-我爱的人都死光了 -我连美国公民都不是
- Everyone I love is dead. - I'm not even a citizen.
-大概吧所以... -好吧
- I think, so... - All right.
韦恩和亚西出局老蒙孑然一身
Wayne and Yass are out. Mo has no one in his life.
我可以解决一部分但还剩下两部分
I can park a chunk, but that leaves two more.
我可以让希拉解决一部分
I can park one with Shira.
-等等等等等等 -好主意
- Wait, wait, hold it. Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa. - Good idea.
这太扯了人们喜欢我
It's ridiculous. People love me.
你们刚刚不是在绞尽脑汁地思考
Uh, is that why you were just brainstorming
怎么让别人喜欢你吗
about how to make people love you?
-一针见血 -谢谢
- She got you. - Thank you.
随便吧
Whatever.
好吧最后一部分交给你
Fine, take the last one.
如果你想和布莱尔搞好关系
And look, if you want to connect with Blair,
那就和他好好聊聊好吗
just talk to his ass, okay?
敞开心扉找点共同话题
Open up. Find some common ground.
没那么难
It's not that hard.
算了吧我还是打算
Nah, I'm just gonna go
执行"甩个任天堂游戏机"计划
with the throw-a-Nintendo- at-it plan.
这才对嘛
That's what I'm talking about.
等等你要拿这个任天堂游戏机
Hold on, wait. You mean tha-that Nintendo?
是的布莱尔就是个死宅
Oh, yeah, yeah. Blair is a fucking nerd.
他肯定会喜欢这种冷冰冰的日本货
He is gonna love this chilling vision of our Jap future.
很棒的即兴演奏伙计们
Great jam sesh, guys.
-这其实是个会议 -好吧
- It was actually a meeting. - Okay.
-解散吧 -好吧没关系
- As you were. - All right, it's cool, yeah.
明天前我能再搞到一台没事的
I-I can get another one by tomorrow. It's fine.
《猎鸭子》
"Duck Hunt."
我还以为是《呃野鸡》
I thought it was "Duh, Cunt."
这就说得通了
This makes a lot more sense.
天啊
Oh, my God.
我打赌他要给你升职了
I bet he's gonna promote you.
你终于要步上康庄大道了
You are finally getting off the floor.
是时候了
About frickin' time.
宝贝我们不知道今晚会发生什么
Babe, we don't know what this is gonna be tonight.
那家伙精神不正常