浪女大厨（2014）

我只想跟你在一起
I was going along with it for you.
我想跟你一起度过余生
I wanna spend my life with you!
跟你一起去追寻浪漫之旅
Go on romantic cruises... with you.
跟你一起去整容变年轻
Get plastic surgeries to look younger... with you!
我也想跟你一起做这些
And I wanna do all those things with you!
但我也想当个父亲 有个家庭
But I also wanna be a father and have a family.
求你了 我们可以当好父母的
Come on. We can be the parents we always wanted.
开明 包容 支持戏剧训练营
Open, accepting, theater-camp friendly.
行吗 艾略特
Please, Elliot?
一周 我们就试一周
One week! We'll try it for one week!
-但如果她做了任何... -她不会的
- But if she does anything-- - She won't!
我们有宝宝啦
We're havin' a baby!
十三岁的宝宝
A 13-year-old baby!
怎么样
What do you think?
看着像是奇妙仙子吐在这了
It looks like Tinker Bell threw up in here.
我还以为你们这种人有品位呢
I thought you people were supposed to have good taste?
"你们这种人"
"You people"?
我们可以重新装饰
We can redecorate!
我们是基佬 犹太人和亚洲人
We're gay, Jewish and Asian.
能装得时髦便宜又讲究风水
It'll be stylish, cheap, and Feng Shui-ed.
好 该睡觉了
Okay, time for bed.
艾略特 等等 我们要了解彼此
Elliot, wait. We need to get to know each other.
凯莎 我希望你住的舒服
Keisha, I want you to feel comfortable.
所以有什么需要或者疑问 尽管提
So if there's anything you need or wanna ask us, go right ahead.
电视呢
Where's the TV?
我们没给你的房♥间装电视
Oh, uh, we didn't put a TV in your room.
但是埃兰给你准备了这个
But Alan got you one of these things
你把指针拨到哪 就发出哪种动物的叫声
where you pull the lever and it makes the animal noises?
但是 没电视我睡不着
But... I can't sleep without a TV.
当然了
Of course you can't.
没电视她睡不着
She can't sleep without a TV.
这样吧宝贝 你今晚可以睡我们房♥间
You know what, honey? You can take our room tonight.
那里有电视
There's a TV in there.
什么 什么
What? What?
我们把第二个抽屉锁上就好了
We'll just lock the second drawer.
今晚是《单身女郎》季终集
It's the final night of The Bachelorette
我想知道谁得到了终极玫瑰
and I wanna know who gets the final rose.
你可以录下来啊
That's what a DVR is for.
但我得看直播
But you have to watch the finale live,
否则大家都比我早知道结局
or everybody will know everything before me,
我再看就没有悬念了
and I won't get to see the drama unfold.
没关系 我不要电视
It's okay. I don't need a TV.
我自己哭着入睡就好了
I'll just cry myself to sleep.
真有心机
Oh, she's good.
好了 我知道这不太舒服
Okay. I know this is a little uncomfortable,
但是为人父母就要懂得牺牲
but being a parent is all about sacrifice.
相信我 这一定是我们做过最值得的事情
Trust me, it'll be the most rewarding thing we've ever done.
天啊 她选了在幼儿园工作的那个诈骗犯
Oh my god! She picked the ex-con who works at the pre-school!
早上好
Good morning.
正好赶上吃早餐
Just in time for breakfast.
太好了 我饿死了
Good, I'm starving.
他们就给我吃了个洋葱味的甜甜圈
All they gave me to eat was an onion-flavored donut.
那是百吉饼
It was a bagel!
凯莎 你去阳台上吃早餐好吗
Keisha... why don't you go eat your breakfast out on the terrace?
好让你背后议论我吗
So you can talk about me?
不
No...
你的男老婆说我们应该坦诚相待
Your dude wife said we were supposed to be honest with each other.
好吧 出去 我好在背后议论你
Fine, go outside so I can talk about you.
昨晚是个噩梦
Last night was a nightmare.
埃兰跟我吵到凌晨四点
Alan and I were up till four in the morning
就因为凯莎
fighting about Keisha!
为什么 怎么回事
Why, what happened?
她占了我们的卧室和电视
She took our bedroom and our TV,
而我们只能睡公主床
and we had to sleep in the princess bed.
试试水晶鞋吧
If the shoe fits...
还是跟行家学学吧
Get ready to learn from the master!
我养了三个孩子 两个还跟我说话呢
I raised three kids. And two of 'em still talk to me.
我能拿点培根吗
Can I have some bacon?
当然 宝贝
Oh, of course, baby!
一会我们可以去看电影
And then maybe later we can go to a movie,
吃点中餐 然后...
and get some Chinese food, and ooh...
然后去敲我某个前任的门
and then we can knock on the door of one of my exes,
你只消一句话就能把他吓得屁滚尿流
and you can scare the crap out of him by saying,
"你好 爸爸"
"Hey, Daddy."
-不要 -搞啥鬼
- Pass. - What the hell?
你好呀 凯莎
Hey-y, Keisha!
看看你超酷的乔什叔叔给你买♥♥了什么
Look what your super cool Uncle Joshy got you.
你独有的3D打印机 你想要什么礼物都可以打出来
Your very own 3D printer, where you can print any gift you want!
没有打不出
The only limit...
只有想不到
is your imagination.
不要
Pass.
看见没 她多矫情
See? She's impossible.
坦诚相待
Honesty.
你真矫情
You're impossible!
各位 她不是矫情 她还在青春期
Guys, she's not impossible, she's a teenager.
你想让她开心 就得做她喜欢的事情
If you want her to have fun, just do something she likes.
带她去商场购物
Take her to mall and go shopping.
这才是我要说的 我能跟你混吗
Now that's what I'm talking about. Can I kick it with you?
对
Yes!
跟她混
Kick it with her!
乔什 我能带凯莎去商场吗
Josh, is it okay if I take Keisha to the mall?
"能吗" 这样吧
Is it? I'll tell you what.
带上我的白金卡
Why don't you take my platinum card,
给凯莎买♥♥件好外套 让她暖暖和和地...
and get Keisha a nice jacket that'll keep her warm on her...
坐热气球
hot air balloon ride!
不要
Pass.
我跟你说 你试的每条裙子都潮爆了
I'm telling you, every dress you tried on looked poppin'.
我觉得我喜欢你
I think I love you.
可能是因为你身材火♥辣♥
Well, it's probably 'cause you have such a bangin' body.
没错 我就是喜欢你
Yeah, I know I love you.
你是唯一一个喜欢我的
You're the only one who does.
别这样 凯莎
Oh, come on, Keisha.
乔什喜欢你 尤兰达喜欢你
Josh likes you. Yolanda likes you.
埃兰喜欢你
Alan likes you.
-艾略特 -不喜欢
- Elliot-- - Doesn't.
是啊 可是艾略特本来也谁都不喜欢
Yeah, but Elliot doesn't like anybody at first.
他第一次见我就讨厌我
When he first met me, he hated me.
但是现在...
But now...
这故事讲不下去了
Well, this story's going nowhere.
我懂的 我十三岁了 烦人还毒舌
Look, I get it. I'm 13, annoying, and I got a big mouth.
大家都这么说
Everyone says so.
但青少年都这样
Yeah, but that's how teenagers are supposed to be.
在你这么大时 我就是个噩梦
Hey, when I was your age, I was a total nightmare.
-是吗 -真的
- Yeah, right. - No, I was.
我考试作弊 溜出去见男生
I cheated on tests, I snuck out to see boys,
还有假身份证
I had a fake I.D.
干什么 买♥♥酒吗
What'd you do, use it to buy booze?
不 我只是想去坦帕的舞厅
No, I actually just wanted to go to this dance club in Tampa,
但那里十八岁才能进 所以
but you had to be 18 to get in, so...
我去了一家烟店 一下子就变成了
I went to a smoke shop, and boom.
卓拉·马丁内斯 十九岁 天蝎座
Zora Martinez, nineteen, Scorpio.
你得知道自己星座 保安会问的
Well, you gotta know your sign, 'cause bouncers are gonna ask.
他们没问"马丁内斯"这个姓吗
And they didn't ask about the "Martinez"?
问了 然后我就暴露了
They did and that's how I got busted.
我被禁足两周 但我妈理解我
I got grounded for two weeks. But my mom understood.
还给我看了她在我这么大时的假身份证
She even showed me her fake I.D. From when she was my age.
她就是这么酷
She was cool like that.
你俩还亲密吗
You two still close?
她去世了
Well, she passed away.
太不幸了
That sucks.