婚外情事

The Affair S05E09

Part 9 Dec. 1, 2019, 8:01 p.m.

他为什么那样做
Why would he do that?
因为他不尊重我惠特尼
Because he didn't respect me, Whitney.
也许你的写作水平是不咋地
Well, maybe your writing just wasn't very good.
你有想过吗
Did you ever consider that?
你说得对
Yeah, yeah. You're right.
以前确实不咋地
At the time, it-it really wasn't.
我在诺亚班上时还很年轻
I was very young when I was in Noah's class,
老实说我迫切想得到他的指导
and I was honestly desperate for his guidance,
但他根本不评价我的文章他评价了我
but he didn't evaluate my work; he evaluated me.
他说我没内心生活
He told me that I had no inner life.
那你有吗
Well, do you?
每个人都有内心生活
Everyone has an inner life.
他的意思是我没有分享他的内心生活
What he meant was that I didn't share his inner life
我没有尽力去掩饰它
and that I wasn't trying hard enough to hide that.
因为我写的东西是关于年轻和女人的
So, because I was writing about being young and being female,
他就觉得我的文章枯燥无味
he assumed that I had nothing interesting to say.
你体验过那种感觉吗
Have you ever experienced that?
听起来只是像他是个烂教授
I mean, look, it just sounds like he was a shitty professor,
我很抱歉他伤害了你的感情
and I'm sorry that he hurt your feelings,
但那不是你去毁了他整个事业的理由
but that's not a reason to ruin his entire career.
-不是吗 -不是
- It's not? - No.
为什么
Why not?
你为什么不直接退课
Why didn't you just drop the class?
事实上我退了一开始我跟主任投诉
I did. Well, actually, first, I complained to my dean,
而他却告诉我脸皮要厚一点
who told me that I needed to grow a thicker skin.
后来我退了课
So, then I dropped the class.
尽管这门课是我的专业需要的
And it was a class that I needed for my major,
我还是退了
so I dropped that, too.
我封笔了三年
And I stopped writing for three years,
后来我得了深度抑郁
and I went into a pretty serious depression.
那很糟糕奥德丽但那不是我爸的错
That's terrible, Audrey, but that's not my father's fault.
不然是谁的
So, whose fault is it?
我不知道
I don't know.
那与任何人都无关
I don't think it's anybody's fault.
它就自然而然发生了
I think it's just something that happened.
好吧
Right. Okay, right.
那时我也是这么想的
That is exactly what I thought, too, at the time.
但事实是诺亚对我说话的方式
But the truth is that the way that Noah spoke to me,
他对待我的方式
the way that he treated me
证实了我对自己最深的恐惧
confirmed my own worst fears about myself.
我这一生无论以何种方式听到的事情
Things that I had heard in one way or another my entire life.
说我没用
That I was worthless
说我愚蠢不够热辣
and stupid and not hot enough,
活着只是在浪费粮食
just generally a waste of space.
直到我开始写自传
And it really wasn't until I started writing my memoir
我才开始问自己
that I even began to ask myself,
"为什么我一直以来都这么想
"Okay, why have I thought this way all this time?
我为什么要认为有问题的是我
Why did I just assume that the problem is me?
我为什么要退课
Why do I have to leave the class?
为什么诺亚对待我的方式被认为是正常的"
And why is the way that Noah treated me considered normal?"
你想想惠特尼好吗
Think about it, Whitney, okay?
我们给了他这样的男人这样难以置信的自♥由♥
We give men like him such unbelievable rope.
我们愿意做任何事
We will do anything--
来维护他们的尊严
anything-- to protect their egos
然而他们却不断地有意无意地不计后果地
when they continuously and carelessly destroy ours
来摧毁我们的
without consequence.
为什么为什么要这样
I mean, why? Why does it have to be like that?
我同意
I agree.
这个世界本来就不公平
The world is a shitty place, and it's not fair.
但我仍然感觉你有夹带私货
But I still feel like you're using your private beef
利用我爸来推销你的书
with my father to promote your book sales,
这很扯淡
and that's just... that's fucking bullshit.
你被人耍了
Someone really did a number on you.
我也有过跟
Look, I've had tough experiences
年长的男人老师上司有过不好的经历
with older men, too-- teachers, bosses--
但我是个成年人我也知道有时候这些问题
but I'm adult enough to admit that sometimes the problem
只是我想跟他们上♥床♥ 而我不应该这样想
was just that I wanted to fuck them and I shouldn't have.
或者我想他们操♥我♥ 但他们不愿意
Or I wanted them to fuck me and they didn't.
也许这种时候
Or maybe it's just that sometimes,
男女之间的关系
relationships between men and women
变得很奇怪很尴尬这很正常
get weird and awkward, and that's normal.
但这并不意味着这些人就该死
But that doesn't mean all men should burn.
好吧
Mm-hmm. Okay.
你说得对我是想过要跟你♥爸♥上♥床♥
I wanted to sleep with your dad. You're right.
是的被他拒绝了
And, yeah, he didn't want to sleep with me back,
我很受伤
and that hurt my feelings.
但惠特尼当你想跟年长的人上♥床♥时
But, Whitney, when you want to sleep with these older guys,
你问问自己你到底迷他们什么
ask yourself, like, what are you really attracted to?
是他们的人还是他们的权力
Is it them, or is it their power
他们的权威还是他们在世界上的地位
and their authority, their agency in the world?
比如他们怎么做到的
Like, how they can get the kind of shit done
那些事你只能想想而他们却能做到
that you can only dream of, and they do it
而且不费吹灰之力
without even breaking a sweat because the world
因为这是这个世界赋予他们的
just offers itself up to them on a silver platter.
你问问自己你是想跟他们上♥床♥
Ask yourself, do you really want to fuck them,
还是想变成他们
or do you want to be them?
你家里的事我很抱歉
Look, I'm sorry about your family.
真的
I really am.
是的
And, yeah,
我考虑过因为这个特殊的原因而不发声
I-I considered not speaking up for this very reason,
因为我想...
'cause I thought...
"如果我的个人创伤不值得
"God, what if my individual trauma is not worth blowing up
去毁了别人的生活呢"
anyone else's life in order to tell?"
但如果我们都那样做
But if we all do that,
如果我们都那样想
if we all think like that,
那这些故事永远都不会被人讲述
then none of these stories are ever gonna get told.
那什么时候才是个头呢
So, when does it become enough?
什么时候我们讲故事的需要
When does our need to tell our stories
才能大过他们
become greater than their need
对维持现状的需求呢
to preserve the status quo?
是当我们被虐待或者被强♥奸♥时吗
Is it when we're abused or when we're raped?
还是这就足够了
Or is that even enough?
因为讲真这还要取决于那个人对吧
Because, honestly, it depends on the man in question, right?
我想说的是这才是问题所在
Really, what I'm saying is that this is the problem.
我们不断在争论我们有没有话语权
We constantly debate whether we even have the right to speak.
我们审视自己的话语谨慎自己的言辞
Like, we, we monitor what we say and our choice of words.
我们是要坐着还是要站着
And, oh, are we sitting, or are we standing?
如果要坐着
And, oh, we're... if we're sitting,
我们要怎么坐
well, how are we sitting?
如果站着我们要穿什么
And if we're standing, well, what are we wearing?
我们的声音是否恰到好处
And are our voices pitched just right?
想象你为了拥有话语权
I mean, think about the mental gymnastics
而做的所有那些头脑体操
that you have to do in order to just have a conversation.
想象一下
And now imagine what it would be like
如果我们生活在一个不需要那样做的世界里
if we lived in a world where we didn't have to do any of that.
我们可以畅所欲言
Where we can just speak.
问题不在我们惠特尼
We're not the problem, Whitney.
在他们身上
They are.
我只想生活在这样的一个世界里
All I want is just to live in a world
在那里我们不会被当成奇怪的二等公民
where we're not, like, weird second-class citizens
也不需要在去取悦了男人之后
whose first job is to make men comfortable,
才能获得话语权
and then we'll be allowed to speak.
是的我认为你父亲
And, yeah, I think that your dad is
是我们进入那种世界的阻碍
an impediment to that world.
我从那篇文章中得知
And from what I read in that article,
我并不是唯一的一个
I'm not the only one.
所以我觉得我需要
So... I felt that I needed
去说一些事
to say something, and I...
希望你能理解
I just hope that you can understand that.
她还活着
She lives.