老爸有招

Man with a Plan S02E02

Part 1 April 12, 2020, 9:50 a.m.

米克酒馆
男士们我有一个麻烦
Gentlemen, I got a problem.
把你们召集起来的原因是我需要跟最聪明的人谈
I've gathered you here because I need the smartest guys I know.
鉴于我的生活是这副德性所以就是你们
My life is what it is, so that's you.
他要跟你们谈你们上
He's talking to you guys, so step it up.
昨天我自己在家的时候门铃响了
Yesterday, I was the only one home and the doorbell rings.
是卡尔·汤普金斯
It was Carl Tompkins.
那个王八犊子
That son of a bitch.
卡尔·汤普金斯是谁
Who's Carl Tompkins?
卡尔牧师我和安迪的婚礼就是他主持的
Pastor Carl? The guy who married me and Andi at our wedding.
那个王八犊子
That son of a bitch.
爸你听我说行不行拜托
Dad, will you listen, please?
他跟我说了个非常糟糕的消息
He gave me some very bad news.
十七年前主持你和安迪的婚礼
17 years ago, when I married you and Andi,
当时我沉溺赌博
I had a nasty gambling problem.
幸好我现在参加治疗了已经到达第九步
But I'm in a program now, and I'm on the ninth step,
前来赔罪
which is making amends.
赔罪感觉不妙
Amends? That's never good.
你办仪式的时候我正在破产中
When I did your ceremony, I was broke,
所以并没有去更新我的资格证
so I hadn't renewed my credentials.
而是伪造了你的文件所以你的婚姻是不合法的
I forged your paperwork and your marriage isn't legal.
什么
What?
我们不是合法夫妻
We're not legally married?
既然你知道没用
But why would you do the ceremony
为什么还来主持婚礼
if you knew it wasn't real?
我就是愿意让人开心
I just love making people happy.
你看我像开心的样子吗
Do I look happy now?
我说对了他就是个王八犊子
So I was right-- he is a son of a bitch.
安迪一定会不开心
Andi's not gonna like this.
不过也怪不到亚当啊
But she's not gonna blame Adam.
他赌博又不能怨你
It's not your fault the guy had a gambling problem.
问题就出在这儿了
See, this is where it gets tricky.
安迪让我去找的不是他
H-He's not the guy Andi told me to hire.
我选他是因为他更便宜
I picked him 'cause he was cheaper.
亚当呀
Oh, Adam.
我总得做点什么
What? Well, I had to do something.
听着我们已经同意办个简单的仪式
Look, we agreed on a simple courthouse ceremony,
结果家里开始出现新娘杂♥志♥
then the bride magazines started showing up
花费越来越高
and everything got expensive.
她想到巴哈马群岛去办
She wanted to move it to the Bahamas.
我不得不给她看了一堆鲨鱼吃人的视频
I had to show her a bunch of shark attack videos
她才同意在大♥陆♥上办的
just to keep it on the mainland.
所以你们不是合法夫妻
So you're not legally married?
因为你的错
And it's your fault.
安迪还不知道
And Andi doesn't know.
差不多就是这样
That's pretty much it.
你说得对需要个聪明人来帮你
Yeah, you're gonna need smarter guys.
老爸有招第二季第二集
首先被招募进这个建议圈
First of all, I am really pumped to be included
我非常的开心
in this advice circle.
我们不会给见面取名字的洛厄尔
We don't name our meetings, Lowell.
就算取名字也会取个酷点的
And if we did, it would be something cool,
比如军事会议
like "War council."
但婚礼不是你缩减用度的东西
But a wedding is not something to cut corners on.
你搞砸了好老弟抱歉用词太凶了
You blew it, bubba. Sorry for the language.
钱是用来存的不是用来花的
Money is for saving, not spending.
没错等暴风雨来临时
That's right, and you're gonna need that money
你的钱就用上了
when the storm comes.
暴风雨随时会来
And there is always a storm coming.
你教育的好爸爸
You taught us that, Pop.
我时刻恐惧着
I'm never not afraid.
做得好保持颤抖！
Damn straight. It keeps you frosty. u202dMm-hmm.
我要怎么告诉安迪我们的婚姻之所以不合法
So how do I tell Andi we're not legally married
是因为当初我想省钱
because I wanted to save a few bucks?
请注意没有结婚这件事对她来说
Now, keep in mind, not being married might be
很有可能是个敏感问题
a hot-button issue for her.
你可以用浪漫点的方法说出来缓和一下
Well, you could soften her up with some romance.
可以带她去个好酒店过周末
Ooh, take her to a nice hotel for a weekend.
我不希望跟她摊牌的时候
I don't like the idea of being locked
是单独两个人锁在小房♥间里
in a tiny room with her when she finds out.
我惹到玛茜的时候会这么做
Whenever I've screwed up with Marcy and it has happened--
先跟她说我做了件更糟的事情
I tell her I did something much worse,
再把实际的事情告诉她
and then when I tell her the real thing,
她就释然了
she's relieved.
那有什么是更糟的我能跟安迪讲
So what could I tell Andi that's worse than this?
没有
Nothing.
我就是说
I was just saying, you know,
要是有比这个小的错误
if you'd done something not so big,
就可以用这招了
that would be the solution.
这是我参加过最烂的军事会议了
This is the worst war council I've ever been on.
孩子你要更有创意一点
Son, you got to think outside the box.
男人惹女人这件事已经进行了几千了
Men have been screwing up with women for thousands of years.
她们专门看着我们的
They're on to us.
你需要新鲜的想法
You need something new.
所以你的主意就是想个好主意
So your idea is: come up with a good idea.
没错就这么做
That's right. Run with that.
好的真是非常有见解
Okay. Well, a lot of good perspectives here.
但重点是安迪是最棒的
But the thing is, Andi is the best, all right?
我有个好主意回家告诉她实话
I got a good one, so I'm just gonna go home
她会理解的
and tell her; she'll understand.
-好样的 -当然了 -你加油
- Attaboy. - u202dAbsolutely. u202d- Good for you.
他应该一去不复返了
He's not coming back from this.
他死定了
He's a dead man.
我应该告诉他我爱他的
I should have told him I loved him.
-亲爱的 -好啊
- Hey, sweetie. - u202dHey.
你绝对猜不到今天上班发生了什么
You'll never guess what happened at work today.
希望是个好事
I hope it was good.
很好啊
It's so good.
我终于找出来了
Okay. I finally figured out
到底是谁在休息室用微波炉热鱼是凯伦
who's been microwaving fish in the break room. It was Karen.
就是她我们准备开个会
Yeah. We're gonna have a whole meeting about it
好好讨论一下
and everything.
是啊今天我也碰到个有意思的事听我说
Yeah. Funny thing happened to me today, too. Get this.
等等等等
Wait. Wait.
宝贝这是什么他们没有有机鸡肉卖♥♥吗
Babe, what's this? They didn't have the organic chicken?
他们有的这事儿一会儿说
No, no, they did, but we'll get to that in a minute.
好的但是
Yeah. u202dOkay, but, um,
我们不是说好要吃有机食物吗
I thought we agreed we were gonna go organic.
记得吗我们一起看那部纪录片
Remember? We watched that documentary.
你还哭了
You cried a little.
后来我知道了有机鸡肉多少钱
Then I saw how much organic chicken costs,
哭得更凶了
and I cried more.
价格贵了一倍
They just charge you twice as much
就因为上面贴了个高级贴纸
'cause they slap a fancy label on it.
好了亚当我们讨论过的事
Okay, Adam, we've talked about this.
别这么小气
Don't be cheap.
我不是小气只是节俭
Well-- I am not cheap, I am frugal.
看你刚刚干了什么
Okay, see what you did there?
只是给小气贴了个高级贴纸
You just took "Cheap" And you slapped a fancy label on it.
好的不是什么大事只是鸡肉而已
Okay, this isn't a big deal, it's just chicken,
但我需要...
but I-I do need to...
听着亚当我们心知肚明不仅是鸡肉
Okay, look, Adam, we both know it's not just chicken.
举个例子我们所有的纸巾
I mean, like, for example, all of our napkins
都是从快餐店拿回来的
come from fast food places.
永远不应该花钱买♥♥餐巾纸
You should never have to pay for napkins.
到处都有免费的
They're free everywhere.
有客人来的时候
And when company comes over,
我们就用高级的尔比餐厅的
we put out the good ones from Arby's.
行再看看我们家的咖啡情况
Okay. Let's talk about our coffee situation.
这一盒里面有十二个咖啡包
These coffee pods come 12 to a box,
但我们家似乎一盒可以用一个月
but somehow every box seems to last us for a month.