老爸有招

Man with a Plan S02E14

Part 1 April 12, 2020, 9:53 a.m.

这周末你们来参加我们的疯狂三月派对吧
You guys are in for our March Madness party this weekend, right?
珍要工作不过她已经初步审核了
Jen has to work, but she's preapproved
几个我准备讲的派对笑话
several party jokes for me to tell.
有一个特别好玩的
I have a fun one about
讲的是一头大象不用整理行李
an elephant who doesn't have to pack a bag
因为他已经有... 到时候我再讲吧
because he already has a-- You know what, I'll save it.
让我用你们新买♥♥的加热马桶圈我就去
I'll go if you let me try out your new heated toilet seat.
我这辈子一直在等待
I've been waiting my whole life
科学能发明出点有用的东西
for science to invent something useful.
不行我不会让你上去的
No, I am not letting you up there.
你肯定会坐在那不起来让我无法分辨
You'll be on it all the time, and I won't know
上面的热度是因为你还是马桶圈
if the heat is from the seat or from you.
孩子们走啦车到了
Kids! Come on! Your ride's here!
-拜 -拜拜
- Bye! - u202dBye-bye. u202dSee ya.u202cu202c
-爱你呦 -爱你哟
- Love you. u202dBye. - Love you, too.u202c
好了玩得开心哦
All right, have a great day.
拜拜怎么回事啊
Bye? Wh-What's happening?
-我家宝贝要去哪啊 -上学啊
- Where are my babies going? - To school.
我找了个拼车的女家长叫什么来着
Yeah, I got them in a carpool with what's-her-name,
她孩子声音很沙哑
that mom with the husky kid
总穿一身天鹅绒运动服
that always wears the velour tracksuits.
我们叫他小女高音
We call him Tiny Soprano.
你为什么不能接送孩子们了
And why can't you drive them anymore?
因为下午接孩子的话
Because I have to leave the office early
我就必须提前下班走我前脚卖♥♥出办公室大门
to do afternoon pickup, and as soon as I walk out the door,
大唐后脚就跑到赛狗场去
Don goes to the dog track.
我确实会这样
I do do that.
我还以为他不知道呢
I didn't think he knew it.
我们今天都学到了新知识
Well, we're all learning things today.
对拼车拯救我的生活
Yeah. A carpool would make my life so much easier.
好了我们得去上班了
Well, we should get to work.
除非你允许我上楼用几分钟你的新热马桶
Unless you'd allow me a few minutes upstairs on your new hot potty.
没门
No way.
王座上只能坐一个王
Only one king sits on that throne.
宝贝我对拼车持怀疑态度
Yeah, uh, honey, I'm not so sure about a carpool.
我要怎么知道孩子们安全到家了呢
Okay? I mean, how will I know if the kids get home safe?
我要五点才能到家
I don't get home until 5:00.
给绑♥架♥犯留了两个小时下手的时间
That gives the kidnappers a two-hour head start.
早啊各位
Morning, guys.
来得正好听着我非常了解
Perfect timing. Look, I know all about
你对绑♥架♥犯有着不可理喻的担心
your unreasonable fear of kidnappers.
所以我请了鲁迪来
That's why Rudy's here, okay?
我让他给我们家装几个摄像头
I got him to hook us up with some cameras.
他在体育场负责安保
He does security at the stadium.
我喜欢
I like this. u202dYeah, yeah.u202c
钢人队比我们家孩子值钱多了
The Steelers are way more valuable than our kids.
到目前为止一个都没被绑♥架♥过
And so far, not one of them has been kidnapped.
有了摄像头
So, with the cameras,
我就可以知道孩子们有没有安全到家
I'll know if the kids get home safe.
我发现你细心又靠谱的这一面
I am finding this practical, organized side of you
实在性感
very attractive.
还有呢宝贝
Well, buckle up, baby,
你还可以在iPad上看到
because you can watch all of the footage from the cameras
摄像头的画面
on your iPad.
那么摄像头的画面是如何发送到iPad上呢
Now, how does the footage get from the cameras to your iPad?
千万别问鲁迪他肯定会告诉你
Don't ask Rudy, because he'll tell ya,
而内容非常无聊
and it's very boring.
对没错
Yeah, it is.
很多人说
You know, a lot of people
技术宅现在酷起来了
like to say that nerds are cool again,
可我们并没有
but we're not.
总之我在你们家前门放一个
Anyways, I put one camera over your front door
在车♥库♥放一个拍后门
and one on the garage facing the back door.
最后这个你们准备放哪里
Where would you like the last one?
放在客厅吧
Let's put it in the living room.
好好这样我就能知道
Yeah. Yeah, then I can figure out
是哪个孩子一直在偷吃我的M豆
which one of the kids been eating my M&M'S
还把包装袋塞到沙发靠垫里了
and stuffing the wrappers in the couch cushions. Huh?
或者用来确保他们完成家庭作业
Or we could make sure they're doing their homework
才能考上大学
so they can go to college.
-然后自己买♥♥M豆 -好吧
- And afford their own M&M'S. u202d- Sure!u202c
好的
Okay, well,
过几天我会再来检查
I'll recheck everything in a couple of days.
要是你们没在家我就直接用绿植后面的钥匙进门
If you're not home, I'll just use the key behind your planter.
你怎么会知道的
How do you know about that?
因为我是干安保的
Because I'm in security.
知道这种事是我的职责
It's my job to know these things.
还有你告诉过我
Also, you told me.
但主要还是因为我是干安保的
But mainly it's because I'm in security.
听着非常谢谢你来帮忙鲁迪
Uh, listen, thanks so much for all your help, Rudy.
没事不过我现在该走了
Oh, sure thing. You know, actually, I should get going.
高兴这周不在家
Joy's out of town for the week,
我买♥♥了根巨大的火腿当晚餐
and I bought a giant ham for dinner.
没错我们会进行深入交流的
Yeah, we're gonna have a session.
抱歉
I'm sorry, wh...
为什么高兴在的时候你不能吃啊
why can't you eat that when Joy's around?
因为我太喜欢了她会嫉妒的
Because I like it too much and she gets jealous.
你为什么不能把火腿放下走过来
"Why don't you put that ham down and come over here
抱抱我呢
and snuggle with me?"
每次都这样说
That's all I hear.
以某种奇怪的方式理解
You know, in a weird way,
这个故事其实很甜蜜
that was a very sweet story.
呃他的
Yeah, um, he...
火腿是用来吃的吧
he's gonna eat the ham, right?
你绝对猜不到我今天在摄像头上
So, you'll never guess what I saw
看到孩子们做了什么
the kids doing today on the cameras.
他们吃我的M豆了吗
Were they eating my M&M'S?
抱歉宝贝那个案子还没破呢
Sorry, babe, that-that case remains unsolved.
他们一到家就开始做作业
They just came home and started doing their homework
都没用别人说
without anybody telling them to.
什么
What?
我们是最伟大的家长了还被录下来了
We're the greatest parents in the world, and it's on video.
看看后门的摄像头我...
Let me check the back door footage. I, uh...
我觉得有只浣熊总来挖我们家花
I think a raccoon's been digging up our flowers,
可我希望有证据再指控它
and I don't want to accuse him without proof.
否则我会像个傻子一样
Otherwise, I'll look like an idiot.
没错
Well, yeah.
看
Oh, look.
可以透过厨房♥窗户看到我在洗碗
You can see me doing dishes in the kitchen window.
是啊
Yeah.
这是昨晚孩子们睡了以后的视频吗
Was this after the kids went to bed last night?
我是不是快出现在你身后了
Am I about to come up behind you?
哦不
Oh, no!
我们不小心拍了部小黄♥片♥
We accidentally made an S-E-X tape!
开始了
And here we go.
还不错啊
Not bad.
你也不错
Not bad yourself.
我就是在说我
I was talking about me.
我们从头看一遍吧
Oh, okay, let's start it from the beginning.
现在我不害怕了想重新看一遍
I want to watch it when I'm not scared.
老爸有招第二季第十四集
亲爱的
Hey, honey.
怎么样啊电影明星
How's it going, movie star?
没有昨晚那么刺♥激♥
Well, it's not as exciting as last night,
最佳男配角
Best Supporting Actor.
男配角
Supporting Actor?
对了对了
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
当时我确实是在跟你"配"
At one point, I did have to support you.
总之我给你留了份礼物
Any-Anyway, I left a present for you.
看看你的下载视频
Check your downloaded videos.
我们的秘密视频你保存了吗