糟糕历史（2009）

Horrible Histories S01E05

Part 4 Jan. 3, 2021, 2:24 p.m.

Take a seat.
抱歉抱歉不好意思
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Excuse me,
抱歉奥格你这是在做什么
sorry, Ug, what are you doing?
奥格拿位子
Ug take seat.
抱歉我是说请坐不是...
Um, sorry, no, I meant sit down, not, um...
-对 -他肯定在逗我们玩
- Yep. - I'm sure that's just his little joke.
我觉得不是
I don't think it is.
很好
Good.
据说尼安德塔人要灭绝了
Er, so the Neanderthals are dying out they tell me.
是
Ug.
你觉得这是为什么呢
Any reason why you think that might be?
你们这群智人
You lot, Homo Sapian,
有最好的食物最好的山洞
get best food, get best cave,
但你们知道主要原因
but you know main reason,
奥格笨笨
Ug stupid.
不会啦我们都差不多嘛
Well, I mean, we're all similar, aren't we?
我们都是由猿进化而来的
We're all descended from apes, um.
你们俩看起来是有点不太对但是
I mean you two, you two look a bit, wrong, but...but no, it's...
-大额头 -是啊很明显
- Big forehead. - Yes, that's clear.
-是啊 -大鼻子
Yeah. - Big nose.
不做评论
Didn't want to say anything.
只有亲妈会喜欢的脸
Face only mother could love.
别这样
Oh, don't do that, ow.
你们这群人没理由
I mean, there's no reason
不能进化成我们智人这样聪明啊
why you lot can't evolve to be as clever as us, Homo Sapians,
要是你们用心的话
if you put your mind to it.
-奥格骨头插到眼睛里 -对没错
-Ug put bone in eye. - Yes, you did, didn't you?
-我是说智力不是万能的 -是啊
- I mean intelligence isn't everything. - No.
我一点都不奇怪
You know, I wouldn't be surprised
你们这群人没法比我们活得更久
if you lot didn't outlive us all, yeah.
亲爱的他们都死了
Oh, dear! They're both dead!
-他们真的灭绝了 -是的
- They've literally just died out. - Yeah.
但是我也不是很悲伤
But... can't say I'm that sad actually
因为他们实在是无聊死了
because they were starting to bore me to tears.
我就是不喜欢原始客人拜访
I just don't like primitive house guests.
-是啊 -你知道我不喜欢他们
- Yep. - You know I don't like them.
基思彭伯顿一家就快到了
Keith, the Pemberton's are about to arrive,
-我也请了他们来吃晚餐 -什么
- I invited them to dinner as well. - What?!
杰夫卡萝你们好
Geoff, Carol, hi!
卡萝还好吗进来吧
Carol, how are you? Do come in.
很高兴见到你们
Lovely to see you.
别说了基思
Shut up, Keith.
真假辨析
True or False.
尼安德塔人喜欢收集人类头颅
Neanderthals used to collect human heads,
他们会敲碎头颅以便除去大脑
which they'd smash open to remove the brains.
答案是真的
It's true.
有的科学家甚至认为他们吃人脑
Some scientists even believe they ate the brains.
牛气的撒克逊人
在撒克逊时期的英国
In Saxon Britain,
我们用一些很蠢的方法
we had some pretty silly ways
判断一个人是否有罪
of telling whether or not someone was guilty of a crime.
历史法♥院♥现在开庭
The court of historical law is now in session.
今日我们用盎格鲁-撒克逊时期英国的方法
Today, we'll be trying all crimes
审理罪案
using methods from Anglo Saxon Britain.
今日的原告方从公元978年赶来
Today's prosecutor, all the way from 978 AD,
[字面意思表示没准备好]
他就是爱塞烈德二世
Ethelred the Unready.
抱歉抱歉
Sorry, sorry.
还没准备好
Wasn't ready.
爱塞烈德二世
Ethelred the Unready,
立法者基本无用的英格兰王
lawmaker and largely useless English King.
被告方
The accused,
特德
Ted.
那么特德
So then, Ted,
我方控告你七月三日晚
I put it to you that on the night of the 3rd July
你盗取了一匹马此举本质十分邪恶
you did meanly and with intentional naughtiness steal a horse.
你如何辩解
How do you plead?
-无罪 -好
- Not guilty. - Oh, good,
我讨厌嫌犯一上来就认罪
I hate it when they plead guilty.
我们都没机会做那些有趣的事
We don't get to do any of the fun stuff.
什么有趣的事
W-what fun stuff?
我们盎格鲁-撒克逊人称之为"考验"
Oh, we Anglo Saxons call them ordeals
因为它确实挺考验人的
because, well, they're a bit of an ordeal really.
-真的吗 -是的非常可怕
- Really? - Oh, yes, they're horrible.
比如说你
Take you, for instance,
马的主人说你偷了他的马
the horse's owner says you did steal his horse
你却说没有
and you're saying you didn't.
-我是没偷 -正是
- I didn't. - Exactly,
那我们怎么找出真♥相♥呢
so how do we go about finding out the truth?
收集证据寻找证人
Um, do you gather evidence and look for witnesses,
然后做出公正明智的裁决吗
then make a balanced and informed decision?
不我们让你接受浸水考验
No, we give you ordeal by ducking,
我们把你的脚趾
which is where we tie your
和手腕捆在一起扔进河里
toe to your wrist and chuck you in a river.
如果你浮起来了就是有罪
If you float, you're guilty,
撒克逊人真的这样"浸"人
我们会切掉你的手和脚
we cut off your hands and feet.
如果你沉下去了就是无辜的
If you sink, you're innocent.
可是人已经死了
But dead?
是的你可能溺死
Oh, yes, you probably drown.
好吧有没有别的考验可以给我选
Right, um, is there not another ordeal I could do instead?
燃烧考验怎么样
How about ordeal by burning?
你抓住一块炙热的铁锭走三步
That's where you grip a white hot iron bar and walk three paces.
然后我们帮你绑扎伤口三天后
Then we bandage the wounds. After three days,
撒克逊人真的这么做过
如果伤口没愈合
if the wounds aren't healed,
你就有罪切掉手脚
you're guilty, off with the hands and feet.
如果痊愈了你就是无辜的
If they're healed, you're innocent.
像那样的伤口一般多久能痊愈
And how long would a wound like that normally take to heal?
怎么着也得好几个月吧
Oh, good Lord! Months I imagine.
有没有稍微...实际一点的考验
Are there any ordeals that are a bit less...impossible?
蛋糕考验呢
Ordeal by cake?
好啊听着不错什么样的
Oh, yeah, I like the sound of that one. What's that one like?
你吃一块蛋糕
You eat a cake.
如果噎着了你就有罪切掉手脚
If you choke, you're guilty, off with the hands and feet.
另一种真实的撒克逊考验
如果你成功吃掉了蛋糕没被噎着
If you manage to eat the cake without choking,
那就是无辜的
you're innocent.
所以我只要吃掉蛋糕别噎着就行吗
So, all I have to do is eat a piece of cake without choking?
是的这是经典的盎格鲁-撒克逊审判法之一
Yes, tried and tested Anglo Saxon ordeal, that one.
-那我就选择这个方法 -很好
- I think I'll go for that one then, please. - Very well.
你选择了蛋糕考验
You've chosen ordeal by cake.
只要起誓你是无辜的然后吃下蛋糕就行
Simply swear an oath of innocence and eat away.
我发誓我是无辜的
I swear that I'm innocent.
-挺好吃的 -当然我做的
- That's very good, that is. - Yes, made it myself.
他有罪他有罪
Guilty. Guilty!
好吧我确实偷了那匹马
Fair enough. I did nick that horse.
盎格鲁-撒克逊时代确实有这种蛋糕考验
There really was an Anglo Saxon ordeal by cake,
而且在1053年哈罗德·戈德温伯爵
and what's more, in 1053, Earl Harold Godwin,
选择了蛋糕考验最终被噎死了
chose ordeal by cake and choked to death.
如果你在撒克逊时代的英国被判有罪
If you were found to be guilty of a crime in Saxon Britain,
就要接受非常严酷的惩罚
our punishments were really horrible.
童话故事的时间又到啦
And now time for our fairy tale series,
所有的故事都在不同的历史背景下
where all the stories are retold
被重新演绎
in different historical settings.
今天讲的是撒克逊版《金发姑娘和三只熊》
Today, Goldilocks And The Three Bears, The Saxon Version.
当棕熊一家散步回到家中
When the bear family returned home from their nice walk,
发现熊宝宝的粥
they saw that someone had eaten up
被人偷吃了
all of baby bear's porridge.
他们走进卧室
And when the bears went into the bedroom,
发现金发姑娘还酣睡在熊宝宝的床上
they found Goldilocks still asleep in baby bear's bed.
金发姑娘醒来后
Goldilocks woke up with a start
发现棕熊一家都很生气地看着她
to see three angry bears staring at her.