糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories S01E05
Part 2
Jan. 3, 2021, 2:24 p.m.
Hello. Can you open the door, please?
早上好 先生 我叫玛蒂尔达
Good morning, sir. My name's Matilda,
我今天是以征服者威廉的名义来拜访
and I'm calling today on behalf of William the Conqueror
来做关于新版《末日审判书》的调查
concerning the new Doomsday Book.
抱歉 我不买♥♥上门推销的东西
Sorry, I don't buy things at the door.
不卖♥♥东西 先生 只是个简单的调查
No selling, sir, just a straightforward survey.
你愿意回答几个问题吗
Would you be willing to answer a few questions?
我真的不喜欢调查
Oh, I don't really like surveys.
我应该跟你说清楚 先生
I should point out this morning, sir,
作为被统治的撒克逊人
that, as a conquered Saxon,
你必须回答问题
you're obliged to answer the survey,
否则诺曼骑士会过来砍掉你的头
or a big Norman knight will come round and chop your head off.
那好吧
All right then.
很好 首先 如何称呼你
Lovely. First of all, can I take your name?
他们叫我阿费尔斯坦·红胡子
They call me Affelstan Redbeard.
红胡子先生
Mr. Redbeard.
你认为你是撒克逊人呢
And would you describe yourself as Saxon,
还是凯尔特人 皮克特人或者其它人呢
Celtic, Pictish or other?
-撒克逊人 -我能问问
- Saxon. - And can I ask,
你意识到自己被统治了吗
were you aware that you'd been conquered?
你说什么
I beg your pardon?
你之前意识到你们的军队
Were you previously aware that your army
已经被征服者威廉征服了
had been vanquished by William the Conqueror
而且你们现在被法国诺曼底的诺曼人统治吗
and that you're now ruled by the Normans of Normandy, France?
没有
No.
从现在起要用法语说 好吧
I'm afraid from now on it'll be "Non." All right?
-好的 -这个也要换成法语词 好吗
- Yes. - From now on it'll be "Oui". Is that OK?
[法语]好的
Oui.
很好 那么你有几头猪
Bon! So, how many pigs have you got?
-六只 -[法语]六只
- Six. - "Six."
你有几只山羊呢
And how many goats do you have?
-11只 -[法语]11只
- 11. - "Onze."
有多少只鸡呢
And how many chickens do you have?
15只
15.
-14只 -[法语]14只鸡
- 14. - Quatorze poulets.
[法语]你有多少只鸡
Combien de poulet avez-vous?
[法语]十四只鸡 女士
Quatorze poulets, madam.
真好 请问 你拥有自己的家吗
Lovely! And can I ask, do you own your own home?
没有 我是个农奴
No, I'm a serf.
就写 "无名鼠辈"
I'll put, "Common as muck."
最后一个问题
And finally,
你发誓效忠新国王诺曼底的威廉大帝吗
do you swear allegiance to your new King William of Normandy?
给你几秒钟考虑时间
We'll give you a few seconds to make your mind up.
-是的 我发誓 -很好
- Yes, I do. - Excellent.
我会记为"是的"
I'll put that down as a "Oui."
-想买♥♥个掸子吗 -不想
- Do you want to buy any dusters? - No.
征服者威廉统治时期
During his reign, William the Conqueror
他废除了英格兰的死刑
abolished the death penalty in England.
但他用什么代替了死刑
But what did he replace it with?
A 砍掉双脚
Was it A, having you feet cut off.
B 用羽毛搔痒
B, being tickled with a feather.
C 挖出双眼
Or C, having your eyes gouged out.
答案是
The answer is...
C 挖出双眼
C - having your eyes gouged out.
如果你觉得这很血腥
And if you think that's gory,
那你该听听威廉葬礼上发生的事情
then you should hear what happened at William's funeral.
现在是1087年 今天气氛沉重
You join us here on this most sombre of days in the year 1087,
我们在此见证伟大的统治者
as we witness the funeral of our great ruler,
征服者威廉的葬礼
William the Conqueror,
他以在黑斯廷斯战役中击败哈罗德国王
who famously defeated Harold at the Battle of Hastings
从而成为第一位英格兰的诺曼国王而闻名
to become the first Norman King of England,
现在他庄重地躺着
and now he lies in state.
而他的仆人们
As his servants respectfully
则偷走了他所有的武器 金银财宝
run off with all his weapons, gold, silver,
这真的发生了
附属品 当然还有他的衣服
furniture and, of course, his clothes.
殡葬师进场
And here come the undertakers
来捡起死亡♥国♥王的腐烂尸体
to pick up the rotting, dead King
并努力将他塞进狭小的棺材中
and try to stuff his body into the small coffin.
好感人的画面
Moving scenes indeed.
现在 仪式遭遇了一些变故
And now, in a change to the planned ceremony,
教堂起火了
the church has caught fire.
这也是真的
哀悼者都去救火了
And the mourners have gone to put the fire out,
留下修道士
leaving monks to
继续把国王陛下的尸体塞进棺材
finish stuffing his Majesty's body, into the coffin.
天呐 他的一条胳膊掉了
Oh, dear, one of his arms has dropped off there.
现在 国王的胃
And now the King's stomach
因胃气积累而炸开了
has exploded due to the build up of gases.
威廉的胃真的炸了
我想象教堂里的气味一定非常难忘
I imagine the smell in that church is really quite unforgettable.
现在神父来主持国王的葬礼了
And here comes the priest to conduct the King's funeral service,
他步履缓重 虔诚庄严
slowly and respectfully.
我们聚集在此 好臭啊
We are gathered here to... Argh, it stinks!
对了 仪式
Right, the service.
愿他的灵魂进入天堂
May his soul enter the kingdom of heaven
被圣父接受 阿门
and be received by his Holy Father, amen.
赶紧埋了臭国王
Now bury the stinky king. Ergh!
每个人都热泪盈眶
And there isn't a dry eye in the house.
太糟糕了
It's horrible!
但这都是真的 是的
But, you know, it's all true. That's right.
征服者威廉的尸体
William the Conqueror's body
真的在他自己的葬礼上炸了
really did explode at his own funeral.
贝叶斯挂毯上可没有记录这种事吧
See if you can find that on the Bayeaux Tapestry.
腐朽古罗马
我们古罗马的许多统治者都有点疯癫
Lots of our Roman rulers were a bit mad,
最疯的一位叫作卡利古拉
and one of the maddest was a bloke call Caligula.
他有一次真的想与神作战
He once actually wanted to go to war with a god!
忠诚的将军们 你们为我尽心尽力
My loyal generals, you have all served me well.
罗马 约两千年前
多亏你们常年征战 冷酷无情
Thanks to your ceaseless warring and general nastiness,
我 卡利古拉
I, Caligula,
今日才能统治如此庞大的帝国
now rule an empire of unimaginable scale.
-真棒 -然而
- Yes! - However...
还有一个强大的敌人 我们尚未征服
..There is one valiant foe that we've yet to conquer.
您是指东边蛮荒之地上的
Do you speak of the mighty tribes
-强大部族吗 陛下 -不是
- in the untamed lands of the east, my liege? - No.
那您是指北边冻土上
Mean you then the savage Celts
-野蛮的凯尔特人 -不是
- of the frozen wastes of the north? - Nah!
那您想让我们打谁呢 陛下
Well, then, who would you've us fight, sire?
海神波塞冬
Poseidon.
-您是认真的吗 -是的
- You're serious? - Yes.
好的 但波塞冬是海神啊
OK, but Poseidon is god of the sea.
他可能比较强大
He's likely to be quite big.
-比我还强大吗 -不不不
- Bigger than me?! - No, no, no.
不 "大"这个词用错了 我们是说更
No, big is the wrong word. What we meant was more, um...
神化
God-ish?
就是要这样
But that's the whole point.
随便一个君主都能击败迦太基人
I mean, any old emperor can defeat the Carthaginians,
但只有特别的君主能战胜神
but it takes a special kind of emperor to take on a god.
想想史书会如何记载吧
Just think of the history books.
还记得那位卡利古拉皇帝吗
"Oh, do you remember that Caligula?"
当然 他不是那位与海神一较高下的皇帝吗
"Oh, yes. Wasn't he the one that took on that god?"
卡里古拉确实曾打算与海神交战
人们会铭记此等丰功伟绩的
No one's going to forget that in a hurry.
那是不假 陛下
Hm, that maybe true sire,
不过问题在于 要和波塞冬交战
but the problem is in order to go to war with Poseidon,
就得先找到他才行
one would have to get hold of him.
那很简单啊 他就栖身于♥大♥海♥
But that's easy, he lives in the sea!
我们去海里找他就好
That's where we shall look for him.
不过大海是不是过于宽广了
Yeah, but isn't the sea quite big?
比我还宽广吗
Bigger than me?!
不不不不 这个词用得不合适
No, no, no, no. No, that was the wrong word.
-我是说大海太 -太深邃
糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories
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