爱情零距离（2013）

我刚结束了三英里大海游泳
I just finished my 3-mile open ocean swim.
那里有个激浪警告牌
There was a high surf advisory,
所以那地方只有我一个人
so I had the place all to myself.
-"那地方" -大海
- "The place"? - The ocean.
-大自然的健身房♥ -懂了
- Nature's gym. - Gotcha.
总之 这是我对海恩斯信托的研究
Anyway, here's the work I did on the Haynes Trust.
你可以把大部分资产
You can transfer most of the assets
转移成延期年金
into a deferred annuity.
或者你也可以把它丢下楼
Or you could throw it off the building.
我要你七点送来 现在我不要了
I asked for that at 7:00. I don't need it anymore.
但现在才6:45
But it's 6:45.
你该知道我说的七点就是指六点半
You should know my 7:00 is 6:30.
抱歉 先生 我不知道这要求高时效
Sorry, sir. I didn't know it was time sensitive.
这要求高时效
It's time sensitive
因为我说了要在某个时间点之前要 而且
because I said it was due at a certain time. And...
我是只敏感的小兔子
well, I'm a sensitive little bunny.
那是个测试
It was a test.
你失败了
You failed.
你会很高兴知道
Well, you'll be happy to know
詹妮不再会让我分心了
that Jenny won't be a distraction anymore.
看来她只是没那么喜欢我
Turns out she's just not that into me.
她怎么可能不喜欢你
How could she not be into you?
你多受欢迎
You're a catch.
我就说嘛
I know.
坐吧
Have a seat.
我知道你现在有些痛 但相信我
I know it stings a little now, but trust me.
你会心存感激的
You will be grateful
你没有因为一时冲动而自毁前途
that you didn't jeopardize your whole career for a fling.
这套潜水衣可真显身材
Wow. That wet suit is form-hugging.
往上看
Eyes up.
好小伙
Thatta boy.
我觉得那不是一时冲动
I guess I kinda thought it wasn't a fling.
我内心深处想着
You know, a part of me thought
她也许就是真命天女
maybe she could've been "The one."
拜托 我自己也是个浪漫主义者
Oh, come on. I'm a romantic myself.
我的心脏和小孩的头一样大
Hell, I have a heart the size the head of a baby.
我相信真命天女
I believe in "The one."
其实 我相信有一千个真命天女
In fact, I believe in a thousand "The ones."
先生 我觉得你不明白真命天女的真谛
Sir, I'm not sure you understand the concept of "The one."
有很多真命天女
There are a lot of "The ones."
有你在大学里遇上的
There's the one you meet in college,
有在欧洲徒步旅行碰上的
the one you meet backpacking through Europe,
还有让你相信
The one who convinces you
你穿白色牛仔裤很好看的
that you actually look good in white jeans.
但是你30来岁遇上的人
But the one you meet in your 30s,
如果你最终遇上 如果你走运
when you've finally made it, if you're very lucky,
你就会娶了她
that's "The one" you marry.
你真的穿了白色牛仔裤吗
You really wore white jeans?
说真的 我穿上好看极了
Honest to God, I wore the hell out of 'em.
我还是希望你能和她见个面
I still wish you could meet her.
我不想 也不会
I don't and I won't.
我想让你重新做海恩斯的工作
I want you to redo the Haynes work.
今晚之前交到我办公桌上来
Have it on my desk end of day.
是我定义的今晚 不是你的
My end of day, not yours.
是 先生
Yes, sir.
这又是一场测试吗
Is this another test?
当然啦 一切都是测试
Of course it's a test. Everything's a test.
测试和高品质家具
Tests and quality furniture
是我们和动物的唯一区别
are the only things that separate from the animals.
我的椅子去哪儿了
Where the hell's my chair?
这把椅子完蛋了
Yeah, this chair is dead.
完蛋了是什么意思
What do you mean it's dead?
你说过什么椅子你都能拆
You said you could take apart any chair.
是啊 我只是不能把椅子再组装回来
Yeah, I can. I just can't put the chair back together.
如果我知道怎样组装椅子
Do you think I would work here
那我还会在这破地方工作吗
if I knew how to put chairs back together?
我们能不能把我们的椅子给曼斯菲尔德
Well, can't we just give Mansfield one of our chairs?
不行的 这是顶楼的椅子
No, it won't work. This is a top floor chair.
他们的屁♥股♥和我们口感不同
They have a different ass palate than we do,
他的屁♥股♥会立马发觉的
and his butt's gonna know.
好吧 哪位是詹妮
All right, which one of you is Jenny?
你是谁
Who wants to know?
你就是詹妮
You're Jenny.
现在我就完全明白了
Well, it makes perfect sense now.
布洛迪死了 他让我照顾你
Brody died, and he asked me to take care of you.
我是托丽
I'm Tori.
我在推特上粉了你 你是"永不停歇的托丽"
Hey, I follow you on Twitter. You're @neverendingTori.
是啊
Ha! Yeah.
你居然比你头像还要美
How are you hotter than your selfies?
实际上我还以为我的粉丝
Well, actually, I thought that all my followers
要么是13岁的小男孩 要么是基佬
were either 13-year-old boys or gay.
我有基佬的时尚感
Well, I have the fashion sense of a gay man
和13岁男孩的荷尔蒙
and the hormones of a 13-year-old boy.
我们该出去玩玩
We should hang out.
如果我两年前遇上你 我会铺块防水布
If I met you two years ago, I'd throw a tarp down,
提枪上马 然后吃点香蕉
get the oil out, and eat some bananas.
但是我不再吃掉男人了
But I put my man-eating days behind me.
给你一条不要钱的建议
So here is some free advice--
慢慢后退 免得我改变主意
Just back away slowly before I change my mind,
拉开下巴 把你整个人吞进去
unhinge my jaw, and swallow you whole.
不要啊 我爱你呢
Oh, no, I love you.
詹妮
Hey, Jenny.
搞什么 这地儿到处都是辣妹吗
What the hell? Is this place just crawling with hot chicks?
谢谢
Thank you.
好吧 因为你 布洛迪很受伤
Okay, well, because of you, Brody is hurting right now.
这真是太疯狂了 因为他很受欢迎
Which is crazy because he's a catch.
你得知道 如果你跟他过不去
And--and you need to know that if you mess with him,
那就是和我过不去
you mess with me.
如果你和这里的任何人过不去
And if you mess with anybody down here,
那就是和我过不去
you messing with me.
看来我们都说着同样的话
W-well, I guess we all saying the same thing,
那就是... 我要走了
which is that... I'm leavin'.
这是曼斯菲尔德的椅子吗
Is this Mansfield's chair?
天啊 你们中有个家伙肯定完蛋了
Oh, my god. One of you guys is so screwed.
他知道椅子的事了 我们该怎么办啊
He knows about the chair. What are we gonna do?
他必须得死
He's gotta die.
你知道怎么杀人吗
Do you know how to kill people?
如果我知道怎么杀人 还会在这破地方工作吗
You think I would work here if I knew how to kill people?
各位 我想我知道谁能帮我们
You guys, I think I know who can help us,
但我不确定他现在想见我
but I'm not so sure he wants to see me right now.
我现在不想见你
I don't wanna see you right now.
而且 我为什么要帮他 他恨我
Besides, why would I help him? He hates me.
是的
That's true. I do.
-哈佛生 我们在电梯里排练过的 -是
- Harvard, we practiced this in the elevator. - Right.
布洛迪 我知道我们有分歧
Brody, um, I know we've had our differences.
但我觉得你棒极了
But I think that you're awesome,
我真是羡慕嫉妒"恨"啊
and I just hate you so much.
你嗑药嗑嗨了吗
Are ya high?
有点嗨啊
I'm a little high.
好吧 如果你不肯帮他忙 那就帮我忙吧
Okay, look, if you won't do it for him, do it for me.
我为什么要帮你 你甚至都不喜欢我
Why would I help you? You don't even like me.
只是利用我的肉体
You're just using me for sex.
但我真的喜欢你 所以我才不想和你约会
But I really like you. That's why I don't want to date you.
好吧 这可讲不通
Oh. Okay. That makes no sense.
好吧 你很可爱 很聪明
Okay, look, you're--you're cute and you're smart
而且你故意逗我发笑
and you make me laugh on purpose
而且我们的裤子是同码的
and, hey, we wear the same size pants.
但我家所有的感情都不成功
But relationships in my family, they just don't work.
我祖母和祖父 爸爸和妈妈
My grandma and grandpa, mom and dad,
妈妈和继父 继父和祖母
mom and stepdad, stepdad and grandma.