爱情零距离（2013）

相信我先生 我可以干好活 也"干"好她
Trust me, sir. I can do the job and do the girl--
跟她约会
date the girl.
那超出百分百的部分 你就给那个姑娘吧
Well, then anything over 100%, you can give to the girl.
但以我的经验来看 女人讨厌啥都没有
However, it's been my experience women hate getting zero.
我知道你不喜欢詹妮
I know you're against the idea of Jenny,
但要是你见到她 就一定会喜欢她的
but I think if you met her, you'd really like her.
我可不想见她 她会分散我的注意力
I don't want to meet her. She is a distraction.
我保证不会的
I promise she won't be.
是吗 那她现在过来干什么
Really? Then what is she doing here right now?
詹妮 可不是
Jenny? Right.
我明白你的小把戏了
I see what you did there.
这是海恩斯家庭信托
This is the Haynes family trust.
我要你中午前想好计划交给我
I want you to figure out a plan and have it on my desk by noon.
-我十点前就给你 -七点前我就想要
- I'll have it to you by 10:00. - I want it by 7:00.
看来你底楼的伙伴来了
It looks like your ground floor company has arrived.
是个金发妞大长腿吗
Is it a beautiful blonde with legs for days?
是个褐发汉
It's a rugged auburn...
大胡须
with a beard for months.
来啊 摸摸看
Go on. Touch it.
不管你在里面找到什么 都算你的
Whatever you find in there, that's yours to keep.
不用了
I'm good.
年轻人 你身上有森林的气息
Young man, you smell like the forest.
-有什么事吗 -我是技术部的
- What can I do for you? - I am with I.T.
我来更新你的电脑固件
And I am here to update your firmware.
给你六分钟时间
You have six minutes.
好
Good.
因为你的时间比我的宝贵
'cause your time is more valuable than my time.
我明白 但我们其实区别也不大嘛
I get it. We're not so different, though.
我也有工作 我也有办公桌
I have a job. I have a desk.
我也有一个抽屉 里面都是现金 好吧
I have a drawer filled with... cash. Okay.
我也有椅子
I got a chair. Ohh!
搞毛
What?
你在干什么 老兄
What are you doing, bro?
想找地方带詹妮去约会
I'm trying to find a place to take Jenny on a date.
老兄 哪用得着约会啊
Dude, you don't need to date. Okay?
跟我一样就行
You do what I do.
你带她回家
You take her back to your place,
随便吃几根香蕉 不至于有人饿到胃抽筋
you throw back a couple bananas so nobody cramps,
然后提枪上马
and then you oil up,
铺块防水布 就开始啪啪啪吧
you throw a tarp down, you start banging bodies.
你一定经常滚床单吧
You must get laid a lot.
没有 但我时刻准备着那天的到来
No, but I will be ready when that day comes.
我和詹妮就只是滚床单而已
Look, all you Jenny and I have done is hook up.
我喜欢她 不想用"渣男招数"
I like her. I don't want to do that "dick guy move".
慢着 你说什么
Wait. What?
我怎么不知道什么叫"渣男招数"
How do I not know what the dick guy move is?
"渣男招数"就是跟姑娘滚几次床单
Dick guy move is where you sleep with a girl a bunch of times,
然后跟她说你还没准备好承诺
and then say you're not ready for a commitment.
两周后 你龙舌兰酒喝多了
But then two weeks later, you get stupid drunk on tequila,
发短♥信♥跟她说爱她 接着
text her you love her. Then the next thing you know,
你就得换手♥机♥号♥和咖啡店了
you gotta change your number and find a new coffee shop.
我超爱那家咖啡店的
And I loved that coffee shop!
大家都饿了吗 我带了甜甜圈来
Hope everybody's hungry. I brought doughnuts.
不好意思 我们在上班呢
Excuse me, we are working down here.
马尔科
Marco!
快躲起来
Post-it!
你们整天就干这些事吗
Is this really what you guys do all day?
不 不是整天
No. No, not all day.
我们负责建筑维修 电脑技术
We do building maintenance, I.T.,
办公用品和信件收发
office supplies, mail distribution.
我们想了套说辞 以防有人问起
We've been working on this list of what we do
我们都做些什么
in case anyone asks.
你以为能用点心收买♥♥我们 也太瞧不起人了吧
How cynical are you to think you can buy us off with pastries?
是吧 伙计们
Am I right, guys?
-我要吃 -我要大吃特吃
- Well, I'll hit that. - I'll hit that like it owes me money.
布洛迪 你不必这么做的
Brody, you didn't have to.
我当然要这么做
Well, yeah, I did.
不然我就得想个尴尬的说法
Otherwise, I would've needed an awkward segue
才能约你今晚去约会了
before asking you on a date tonight.
头发真漂亮 今晚要不要去约会
Nice hair. You wanna go on a date tonight?
不要
Nah.
等下 你说什么
Wait. What?
她说"不要"
She said... "Nah".
我喜欢我们现在的状态
Hey, no, I just like what we've been doing.
我们现在的状态就是回我家
Yeah, but all we've been doing is going back to my place,
持续好几个小时的杂技性♥爱♥
having hours of acrobatic sex,
然后早上各走各的
and then going our separate ways in the morning.
-是啊 很有意思 -太有意思了
- Yeah, and it's fun. - So much fun.
但是
But...
要是我不了解你的话
if I didn't know any better,
会以为你是在利用人家的肉体
I would start to say that you are using me for my body.
好搞笑
That's funny.
你下班了给我短♥信♥
So text me, uh, when you're done with work,
我们再慢慢消耗这些熊爪饼
and we can work off these bear claws,
你懂我的意思
if ya know what I mean.
是啊 我破解这句话的意思了
Yeah. I think I cracked that code.
我指滚床单
I mean have sex.
-我知道 -好
- Oh, yeah. No, I got it. - Right.
这是干什么 我们不是来买♥♥套套的吗
Mm, what are we doing? I thought we were going to get condoms.
是啊
Oh. Yeah, we are.
这儿厕所的避孕套自动售货机超棒的
They have a great condom dispenser in the bathroom here.
等一下 你是在带我来约会吗
Wait a minute. Are you trying to take me on a date?
什么
What?
我吗
Me?
莫耶先生 您的桌子准备好了
Mr. Moyer, your table is ready.
她怎么知道我名字的 我们应该跟她走
How does she know my name? We should follow her.
你偷了楼上的椅子吗 伙计
Did you steal an upstairs chair, man?
-看起来像吗 -像
- Does it look like it? - Yes.
那就是了
Well, then yes, I did.
各就各位
On your marks!
预备
Get set!
开始
Go!
不妙 这可不妙 我没法...
Not good! This is not good! I can't--
你居然骗我来约会 真是难以置信
I can't believe you tricked me into going on a date.
我居然得骗你来约会 真是难以置信
I can't believe I had to trick you into a date.
我可受欢迎了
I'm a catch.
实际上 我姑妈雪莉说 如果我不是她侄儿
In fact, my aunt Shelly said if I wasn't her nephew,
我就得小心点了
I'd have to look out.
我觉得你很棒 我只是
Look, I'm--I think you're great. I'm just, um...
问题是 我现在还不想许下承诺
The thing is, I'm not looking for a commitment right now.
天啊 这是渣男招数
Oh, my god. That's the dick guy move.
什么
The what?
渣男招数
The dick guy move.
你和某人滚几次床单
It's where you sleep with someone a bunch of times,
然后说你还没准备好许下承诺
and then say you're not ready for a commitment.
接下来 我就得找一家新的咖啡商店了
Next thing you know, I have to find a new coffee shop,
而我真的很喜欢这家新咖啡商店
and I'm really loving this new coffee shop.
什么 我才不是渣男 我甚至都不是个男人
What? I'm--I'm not the dick guy. I'm not even a-a guy.
真的吗 你的行为很爷们
Really? You sure are acting like one.
好吧 你得冷静下来
Okay. Well, you need to just calm down.
-冷静... -别叫我冷静下来 好吗
- Just calm-- - Don't tell me to calm down. Okay?
所以你带我来这里吗
Is that why you brought me here,
这样我就不会在公共场合大吵大闹了t
so I wouldn't make a scene in public?
是你带我来的 我只想玩得开心
You brought me! I just wanted to have fun.
你想不想回你家去啊
Now do you wanna go back to your place or not?
如果你不关心我这个人
If you're not gonna care about me for me,
就休想得到我
you're not gettin' any of this.
我的天啊
Oh, my god.
时机不妙吗
Is this a bad time?
时机正好
It's an excellent time.