把妹大作战（2014）

And you guys are all going to miss it.
而你们都享受不到
Today, today, today, is the luckiest, day, day, day,
今天 今天 是最走运的 一天 一天
in my entire penis, penis, penis, life, life, life.
在我整个老二 老二 生活 生活中
I am having the best penis life, life, life,
我拥有最棒的老二生活 生活
in the whole penis world, world, world, world.
在整个老二世界 世界 世界中
I'm a big fan. I'm going to...
我是脑残粉 我要拍...
First off, that was a terrible speech.
首先 这感言太糟糕了
Second, you're ridiculous.
其次 你太可笑
Oh yeah? Guess what? I think you're more ridiculous.
是吗 我觉得你更可笑
Danny! I've had enough!
丹尼 我听够了
I'm going to cut you up and sell your pieces!
我要把你切碎卖♥♥掉
I'm gonna serve you for dinner at this bar.
给你们在这间酒吧里当菜吃
Look, I know you guys think it's funny to see
我知道你们觉得丹尼
Danny wrapped around Jackie's little finger,
对杰姬言听计从很滑稽
but when he was a kid,
但在他小时候
Jackie didn't just hurt his feelings, she damaged him.
杰姬不只伤害了他的感情 还毁掉了他
He changed as a person.
他变了个人
Les, we're talking about "Grown-up Danny" here,
莱丝 我们现在讲的是成年丹尼
nobody can change him.
没人能改变他
What?
怎么
In the words of Janice,
用珍妮丝的话说
my favorite secondary character from the hit TV show "Friends":
大热剧集《老友记》中我第二喜欢的角色
"Oh... My... God!"
"额滴神啊"
Jackie made you do this, didn't she?
杰姬逼你做的 是吧
No way. I did it on my own volition.
不可能 我自愿的
I mean, I think it looks...
我觉得看起来...
awesome.
超赞
You look like someone who rides hot air balloons for fun.
你看起来像骑热气球取乐的人
Don't you understand? She's trying to change you
你不懂吗 她想把你变回
back into the kid she controlled.
她过去控制的你
This is exactly what he looked like back then.
他那时候就是现在这个模样
Look at this picture of him in high school.
看他高中的照片
The khakis, neatly tucked in shirt,
衬衫利落地扎进卡其裤
bad haircut... We could have been best friends!
糟糕的发型 我们本能成为挚友
Has Jackie at least changed?
杰姬多少有点变化吧
Does she still make you feel like crap all the time?
她还让你一直觉得自己很失败吗
No. Like never makes me feel like crap.
不 从没让我觉得自己失败
I mean sometimes she says how I never finished college
她有时候说我大学没毕业
and I'm not going to make anything of myself,
我自己会一事无成
but she says that stuff like, playfully, like in jest.
但她说这话只是好玩 开玩笑的
Plus, even if I wanted to break up with Jackie,
而且 就算我想和杰姬分手
I couldn't do it,
我也做不到
she's like a sexual wizard.
她就像性♥爱♥巫师
Seriously, she's like Dumbledore except,
讲真 她就像邓布利多
instead of being old and a dude,
但没那么老 也不是男人
she's a 50 year old female that's really hot,
她五十来岁 性感爆棚
and has a rock hard body,
还有火♥辣♥身材
does Pilates and shaves all over.
经常做普拉提 刮毛
I don't think I read that Harry Potter book.
我好像没读过这本《哈利·波特》
Danny, it's simple. Just stop having sex with her.
丹尼 很简单 别跟她滚床单就行
Okay, wait a second.
慢着
Did you just turn yourself into Sofia Vergara
你刚化身索菲娅·维加拉了吗
because, "Whatever is coming out of your mouth,
因为 "无论你现在在说什么
right now I cannot understand,
"我都听不懂
it's a, it's a, literally no make and it sounds to me."
"我听着没有任何意义"
Not have sex with a girl. I'm sorry,
不和女生滚床单 抱歉
I don't know how to do that. Okay?
我不知道怎么做 好吗
Bursk, how do you do it?
伯斯科 你怎么做到的
Generally I just speak to them and it kind of happens on its own.
我和她们说话 自然而然就可以了
To be fair, it's easier to
说实话 想为不和
make an excuse not to have sex with a girl.
女生滚床单找理由更简单
Yeah, "I'm so tired!" and "Oh! I'm hungry",
没错 "我很累" "我饿了"
"I got in a fight with my mom", that's a sad one,
"我跟我妈吵架了" 真可悲
Oh! "Dateline's on!".
"又是新的一天"
Uh, "I had a bad day at work".
"今天工作很糟糕"
"Why does it always have to be about sex?"
"为什么总离不开滚床单"
"You never ask me about my day."
"你从不问我今天过得怎样"
My personal favorite: "Uh, tonight's not going to happen,
个人最爱 "今晚不可能了
You gotta make it about you.
你得说自己的原因
Hey, dummy.
笨笨
Hey uh, guys, don't worry about it. I got this.
大家别担心 我搞得定
Hey uh, let's get outta here
我们走吧
because I want to take a bubble bath
我想洗个泡泡浴
and see how long you can hold your breath under water.
看你能在水下憋多久气
No, Jackie.
不 杰姬
Also, "Dateline is on."
而且 "又是新的一天"
Go get in the car. Okay.
上车去 好
Guys sorry, it's sexually.
抱歉 那很性感
I'll try best way when the opportunity presents itself.
下次有机会时我再努力
Hey Jackie, I know this isn't my place to say
杰姬 我知道我没资格说
but I don't think you're right for Danny.
但我觉得你对丹尼不合适
What did you just say to me?
你刚跟我说什么
Uh-oh. I think he made it mad.
我觉得他让她生气了
Look... What?
听着... 什么
What...
那个...
What I'm... I can't understand you.
我想... 你说什么
What I'm saying, I don't want to get involved.
我想说 我不想多嘴
Yes, right, when it comes to my boy...
但一谈到我的男人...
He's not your boy anymore. He's my boy now.
他不再是你的男人了 他现在是我的男人
So you, and both your chins...
你 和你的双下巴...
Better back off.
最好少管闲事
Hey, nobody talks about my...
没人能说我的...
Not now, powder puff. We're not on a Disney show.
现在不行 小粉扑 这不是拍迪斯尼动画
Um... Brett, could you please take this to table 3?
布雷特 麻烦你送到三号♥桌
Are we good?
没事了吧
Does anyone else need their face squished?
还有谁需要被你捏脸吗
No?
没有了吗
Then this little scene is over.
那这一幕闹剧结束了
I'm normally the person that gets the last word around here.
一般是我要强辩到底的
Yep!
对
Your hand smells pretty nice.
你的手闻起来很香
I don't think I really want to cut my hair, to be honest.
说实话 我觉得我不想剪头发
Too bad. You look too much like me from behind.
真糟糕 你从后面看起来太像我了
I am going to go Google how to cut hair.
我要去搜一搜怎么剪头发
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait. What are you guys doing here?
等等 你们在这里干什么
We're here to rescue you! Yeah, Jackie's so mean!
我们是来救你的 是啊 杰姬好刻薄
She squished our faces while you were in the car!
你在车里时她捏了我们的脸
You don't think I know that?
你觉得我不知道吗
What do you think she bragged about all the way home?
你觉得她回家路上都吹嘘了什么
Did you tell her not to squish any faces anymore?!
你跟她说了别再捏脸了吗
Hey man! Of course not.
当然没有
I don't want to get my face squished! Okay?
因为我不想被捏脸 好吗
You know what? Just shut up!
所以闭嘴吧
You're the only one talking right now!
现在只有你在说话
Yeah, and we're here to help you,
是啊 我们是来帮你的
so don't tell us to shut up. It is rude!
所以别叫我们闭嘴 那很没礼貌
Really? Well I got something for you!
真的吗 那我有话告诉你
Shut up! Take it back.
闭嘴 收回
Shut up! Put it away.
闭嘴 收回
Danny!
丹尼
Never mind. Never mind.
没事 没事
You know what?
知道吗
Just forget Jackie!
忘了杰姬吧
You shouldn't be with somebody who hurt you.
你不该跟伤害你的人在一起
Hurt me, hurt me?
伤害我 伤害我
Apparently you don't know who you're talking to, okay?
显然你不知道你在跟谁说话 好吗
Nobody hurts me. I'm unhurtable. Ask around.
没人能伤害我 我是无法伤害的 去问问吧
Seriously. You know the song by R.E.M.?
真的 你知道快转眼球乐队的歌♥曲
"Everybody Hurts."
《大家都会受伤》吗
Well, guess what? I went to the concert once
猜猜怎么着 我有次去了演唱会