外星也难民

这根本就不是庭审 算了
This isn't even the trial-- forget it.
我来跟你们说说这些指控
Let me walk you through the accusations,
我必须说 它们看起来非常明确
and I gotta say, they seem very specific.
根据彼得 那个可爱小怪兽的陈述
According to Peter, the, uh, Okja-type character,
一切都始于科尔沃对屋外街道上举办的
this all started off when Korvo got annoyed
一年一度排骨节风格的街区聚会
at an annual Rib Fest-style block party
感到很生气
on the street outside your house...
噗噗 放下那些美味的排骨
Pupa, put those delicious ribs down!
该死的 我讨厌这愚蠢的排骨节
Goddammit, I hate this stupid Rib Fest.
没地方停车 他们整天放即兴排骨音乐
There's nowhere to park, they play rib jams all day,
还有某人 不是我
and some guy who's not me
总是赢得"最好的排骨"比赛
always wins the "Best Ribs" competition!
为什么科尔沃就不能赢一次呢
Why can't Korvo be a winner for once?
知道吗 科尔沃 你可以去习技公♥司♥
You know, Korvo, you could take some barbecue classes
上烧烤课或看油管视频
at The Learning Annex or watch some YouTube videos,
美食主播宝拉·迪恩
chefnap Paula Deen--
绑♥架♥人花的时间太长 我要用高科技手段
Kidnapping people takes too long, I'll just use sci-fi shit!
控方声称科尔沃造出了一头巨型猪
The prosecution claims Korvo created a giant pig thing
其两肋可以自动烤出数串获奖的排骨
that self-cooked racks of award-winning ribs out of its chest,
它的血尝起来就像美味烧烤酱
whose blood tasted like delicious barbecue sauce,
被击中时会"拉出所有配料"
and when struck "Shat out all the fixins."
加入配料
是 否
该死的 这听起来像是我会干的事
Dammit, that does sound like something I would do.
尤其是"配料"屎
Right down to the "Fixin'" shits.
我在哪里 我是什么
Where am I? Wh-what am I?
你是我爸吗
Are you my dad?
天啊 救命 不要
Wee! Help! No.
排骨味道不错
Mm, that's good rib.
再加点烧烤酱就更好了
Could use a little barbecue sauce though.
不要
Oh no!
科尔沃连续赢得五枚排骨节金牌
Korvo won five straight Rib Fest gold medals,
打败了利佐的表兄 肋博 成为排骨节冠军
dethroning Lizzo's cousin, Ribbo, as the Rib Fest champion.
求求你 放我走吧
Please let me go.
别动
Hold still,
今晚教堂有活动我需要你拉一份百味餐
I need a potluck worth of your shit for a church event tonight.
科尔沃 等等 我需要彼得帮我做数学作业
Korvo, wait! I need Peter to help me with my math homework.
如果他一直尖叫的话 没法专心
He's not going to be able to focus if he's screaming.
方程中X等于几 告诉我
What's the X in this equation? Tell me!
你们好 伙计们 我们有
Hi, guys! Are we having a--
天啊 那是什么
Oh my god, what's that?
求求你 小女孩
Please, little girl!
这些家伙疯了 求你帮帮我
These guys are crazy. You gotta help me!
别担心 小家伙 杰茜在这里
Don't worry, little guy. Jesse's here.
你必须放了他
You have to let him go!
你不能把一个生物
You can't just keep a
关在你家地下室里折磨它
creature trapped in your basement and torture it.
你根本不明白
You clearly don't understand
赢得烤肋骨比赛有多重要
how important it is to win rib contests.
天啊
Oh god!
伙计们 来看我在门前草坪上表演"甜甜圈"
Guys! Come watch me do donuts on the front lawn!
我终于搞清要怎么做了 原来是一个圈
I finally figured out how to do it. Turns out it's a circle!
-真棒 -好吧
- Awesome! - Alright.
去你的 草坪
Fuck you, lawn!
当你去看开车转圈时 彼得逃走了
Peter escaped while you were distracted by the donuts.
他在丛林里待了几晚
He spent a few nights in the woods,
然后开始了新生活
then he moved on with his life,
他获得了形意舞硕士学位
got his MFA in interpretive dance,
但找不到工作
couldn't find work, duh,
所以他和其他有艺术硕士学位的人一起
so he got a job at the Apple Store
在苹果商店找了份工作
with all the other people who have MFAs.
本月天才
好吧 听着 坦白说 这故事听起来
Okay, look: full disclosure, that story really did sound
确实像我们会做的事 好吗
like something we would do, r-right?
这感觉像是我们会推销给Hulu的东西
Yeah, I mean, it feels like something we'd pitch to Hulu
而他们会说 "我们不懂 但放手去做吧"
and they'd say, "We don't understand it but go for it."
但我什么都不记得
But I don't remember any of it.
我从没去过排骨节
I never went to a Rib Fest
也没见过这个长得像美味排骨的彼得
or met this delicious rib-looking Peter guy.
对 虽然这故事"听起来像是我们做的"
Yeah, just because the story "Sounded like us"
但不意味着我们真干了
doesn't mean we did it.
对 我们是好人
Yeah, we're good people.
还记得上次我们把那个流浪汉的血
Remember that time we turned that homeless guy's blood
变成维他命水吗
into Vitamin Water?
或者 我们杀了数百万只蜜蜂
O-o-or when we killed millions of bees
让人们避免被蜇伤
so people wouldn't get stung?
对 我们发明了电子烟 这一定有些价值
Yeah, we invented vaping, that has to count for something!
你们说得都对 我们很棒
You're both right. We're great.
那一定不是我们干的
This was one hundred percent not us!
彼得是个有力的目击证人
Well, Peter is a convincing witness.
而且他是个巨大的外星人 你们也是外星人
Plus he's a big alien thing and you're aliens,
所以不难想到这是你们干的
so it's not hard to think that you did this.
这对我们来说意味着什么
What does that mean for us?
意味着你们完了
It means you're fucked.
这是你最后一次放我走的机会 伙计
This is your last chance to let me go, buddy.
来了 他们来了 你感觉到他们了吗
Here they-- they're coming, do you feel 'em?
你感觉到他们了吗 他们来了
Do you feel 'em? They're coming.
对你来说一切都结束了 准备好
It's all over for you. Get ready.
好疼
Oh, that hurt.
浩克 冷静 大块头 别做傻事
Halk. Calm down, big guy, don't do anything crazy.
把戒指糖刀放下
Just put the Ring Pop knife down.
-退后 -请让我杀了他
- Stay back! - Let me kill him, please!
-你在做什么 -他就是凶手
- What are you doing? - He's the killer!
那个7实际上是L 之前倒过来了
The 7 was an L, it was upside-down.
他住在一个幸运饼干里
He lived in a fortune cookie.
等等 你在说什么
Wait, what are you talking about?
如果你抓住了真正的凶手 那很好
If you caught the real killer, then great!
但如果你杀了他 那只会把你也变成杀人犯
But if you kill him, it'll just make you a killer too.
退后 不许再上前一步
Stay back! Don't take another fuckin' step.
我敢说监狱并没那么糟糕
You know, I bet prison isn't all that bad.
我只要默默等待领♥取♥分院帽的那一刻就好了
All I have to do is bide my time until I go to the Sorting Hat.
懂我意思吗 兄弟
You know what I'm saying, my man?
你把监狱和哈利·波特系列电影搞混了
You're confusing prison with the Harry Potter movies.
不要胡乱猜测别人
Don't make assumptions about people,
他说不定读过那些系列小说
he might've read the books.
去你♥妈♥的♥ 即便他读过
Fuck you! Even if he had,
他也规避不了那些电影的文化冲击
he couldn't avoid the cultural impact of the movies!
来吧 你可打不过我
Come on, you won't fight me!
这是不是意味着我去不了赫奇帕奇了
Aah! Does this mean I don't get to be in Hufflepuff?
天哪
God!
死亡
你在搞什么
What the fuck!
糟了 请告诉我
Oh no, please tell me
你们屁♥眼♥里还有备用的吸毒玻管
you got a backup crack pipe inside that butt.
为什么这个监狱里的所有人都有这么多小刀
How does everyone in this prison have so many shivs?
他们周末会开小刀制♥作♥培训班
Well, they teach a shiv-making class on weekends.
-为什么 -雅姆莱克 你知道他们有这样的说法
- Why? - Yumyulack, you know what they say:
给人一把小刀 他能刀别人一天
give a man a shiv, he shivs for a day.
但教人做出小刀
Now, teach a man to shiv--
这个地方真是糟透了
Ugh, this place is horrible.
基本不给寿司吃
There's hardly any sushi,
做寿司的那家伙还是个强♥奸♥犯
the guy making the sushi is a rapist,
而且他总是开个机场一样的天价 再拿小刀捅你
and he charges you airport prices right before he shivs you.
这他妈太扯了 我知道我们没对彼得干过这种事
This is fucking bullshit. I know we didn't do this to Peter.
我们是善良的 怕噗噗的 信福克斯新闻的好公民
We're nice, Pupa-fearing, Fox News-believing members of society.
那我们怎么落到这个地步的呢
How did we get here then?
只有一种可能
There's only one explanation.
外星难民们被人陷害了
The Solar Opposites are getting set up.
有人想搞垮我们
Someone wanted to take us down.
这是场阴谋 我们谁都不能信
It's a conspiracy, and we can't trust anyone.
你觉得彼得是幕后操纵者吗
Oh! You think Peter's the mastermind?
绝不 彼得是最好的 他的面容和肋排如天使一样
No way! Peter's the best. He has the face and ribs of an angel.