外星也难民

A million for each second you took to run the mile today.
跑得真快
So fast.
我们早该这么做了
We should've done this sooner.
多年来我一直在寻觅一位人生伴侣
I've been searching for a life‐mate for years
却不知我的身体里一直住着一位
not knowing one was inside me all along.
我永远属于你 科尔沃
I'm yours forever, Korvy.
快 亲爱的 用苹果地图定位最近的教堂
Quick, love, Apple Maps the nearest chapel.
两英里外有一座便捷摩♥门♥教♥堂
There's a fast casual Mormon castle two miles away.
完美 我们开车路上
Perfect! Let's listen to a podcast together,
以情侣的身份一起听个播客吧
as a couple, while we drive.
今天我们要讨论铜管乐器的音色
Today, we'll be talking about the sound of brass.
铜管乐器的音色...
Brass tones‐‐
我们能 听点别的吗
Can we, uh, listen to something else?
别嘛 听听看这个
Come on, give it a chance.
如果我们要结婚 那我们应该坦诚相待
If this is going to work, we need to be honest with each other.
说实话 这个播客我没一点喜欢的
And I honestly hate everything about this podcast.
行吧 甜心 你想听什么呢
Fine, my sweet. What do you want to listen to?
《乔·罗根体验》
死藤树或许就是
See, Ayahuasca might actually be
我们一直寻找的生命之树
the tree of life we've been searching for.
疗愈性能极佳
The healing properties are astronomical.
活动机关枪不是免费的 你得舔♥脚♥
Free guns don't come free. You have to lick feet.
这人好差劲 我不喜欢这个
This guy sucks! I don't like this.
什么 乔·罗根是我们时代的玛雅·安吉罗
What? Joe Rogan is our generation's Maya Angelou.
我们时代已经有一个玛雅·安吉罗了
Our generation already has a Maya Angelou.
那就是马克·库班
It's Mark Cuban!
-嘿 宝贝 -怎么了 亲爱的
‐ Hey, hun? ‐ Yes, darling?
我爱你 但是你说那种话的时候
I love you, but you sound like an asshole
听起来像个混♥蛋♥
when you say stuff like that.
我都没有屁♥眼♥[混♥蛋♥] 怎么像个混♥蛋♥
How can I sound like an asshole when I don't even have one?
还有 之前那一幕里你操的我哪里
Also, what were you fucking me in earlier in that one scene?
该死 我在起疙瘩 看你把我弄的
Dammit, I'm gooblering! See what you made me do?
昨晚你可喜欢我让你做的事了 骚货
Well, you liked what I made you do last night, slut!
我们没法好好在一起 对吧 克里斯
This isn't gonna work, is it, Chris?
恐怕是的
I'm afraid it isn't.
我做了什么 不敢相信我毁了和珍的感情
What have I done? I can't believe I ruined what I had with Jen.
我是个笨蛋 我总是这样
I'm an idiot. I al‐‐ I always do this.
也许现在还来得及
Maybe it's not too late.
也也许我们回去能赶上办婚礼
May‐‐ maybe we can get you back for the wedding.
-我们没时间了 -我们有足够的...
‐ We don't have time. ‐ We have plenty of‐‐
妈的 我们要赶紧了
Shit! We gotta hurry!
我忘了这个星球上时间总是向前流动
I forgot time always moves forward on this planet.
你车技太差了
You're such a bad driver.
我太他妈讨厌你了
I fucking hate you.
跟我说说你的事
Tell me about yourself.
吱--
Squeeeeeeee.
-等等 是珍吗 -哩 哩 吱
‐ Wait. Jen? ‐ Reee, reee, squeee.
该死的 你是只耗子
Dammit! You're a rat.
吱--
Squeeee.
拉倒吧 我只要把你打扮得漂漂亮亮
Fuck it! I just have to make you awesome.
红疙瘩人根本不会注意到有区别
Red Goobler won't even notice the difference.
哩 哩--
Ree. Reeee.
吱 吱
Squee, squee.
就是这样 你们听起来超酷的
That's it, you guys sound cool as hell!
再一次恭喜你们
Hey, just want to say again,
赢下了一切能赢的奖
congrats on winning everything one could win
而且没有作弊
and doing it without cheating.
我受不了了
Ugh, I can't take it anymore!
我们什么时候才能吸取教训
When are we going to learn a lesson?
通常侥幸成功都让我感觉不错
Usually getting away with things makes me feel good,
但这次太糟了
but this blows.
作为长开球员进入南加州大学是最后一根稻草
Getting into USC as a long snapper was the last straw.
通常我们的冒险进行到这个阶段时
Usually at this point in our adventures,
我们都学到什么教训了
we've learned a lesson.
我感觉像有蚂蚁在我身上爬
I feel like ants are crawling on my skin.
现在天气是冷是热
Is it cold? Is it hot?
老天 我一边出汗一边发抖
Oh god, I'm sweating and freezing!
我们这是教训戒断反应
We're in lesson withdrawal!
除非我们吸取到教训不然会一直这样难受
We're gonna keep feeling this way unless we learn some lesson.
怎么吸取 我们能做什么
But how? What can we do?
等等 我们一直在作弊
Wait! This whole time, we've been cheating.
但如果我们作个更大的弊
But what if cheated even more than ever before
而且用另一个科幻装备双倍加成
and used another sci‐fi device to double down on cheating?
我们有什么能给我们教训的东西吗
Do we have anything that teaches a lesson?
我们是有个说教头盔
Well, we do have that Lesson‐alyzer helmet,
但 我是说 我们不想用那个 对吧
but, I mean, we don't wanna use that, do we?
有用吗 你吸取到教训了吗
Did it work? Did you learn a lesson?
吸到了 感觉太棒了
Oh yeah, and it feels amazing.
我学到了"凡事不要高兴得太早"
I learned "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
给我 给我 我也要 我也要
Oooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!
太棒了 真是好东西
Oh yeah, that's the good stuff.
-你学到什么 -"先啤后白 一杯就败"
‐ What did you get? ‐ "Beer before liquor, never sicker."
说得好
Oh, that's a good one.
-你想再爽一下吗 -想 当然想
‐ You want another hit? ‐ Yeah, fuck yeah.
我需要你们帮忙转移15到20只鼠妹子
I need your help moving 15 to 20 rat women
去一个红疙瘩人的婚礼 快点
to a Red Goobler wedding. Come on!
那是我听过最外星难民的话
That's the most Solar Opposites thing I've ever heard.
棒极了
Ohhh yeah.
"垫子越厚 体感越棒"[屁♥股♥越大 操起来越爽]
"The thicker the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'."
去沙发卖♥♥场的时候得记得这句
I gotta remember that when I'm at the couch store.
我们对于酒店房♥间里发生的事要绝口不提
We must never speak about what happened in that hotel room.
我在说滚床单这事
I'm talking about the fucking.
当然了 蠢货 你干嘛现在提起这事
No shit, you idiot. Why would you bring that up right now?
我都要结婚了
I'm about to get married.
抱歉 我只是希望你和珍能和谐美满
Sorry, I just hope that you and Jen stay happily married,
我们就能幸免于你压抑的愤怒
keeping us safe from your repressed rage.
好几位新娘 我们是在录YouTube视频吗
Multiple brides? Are we doing a YouTube thing?
珍 哪位是珍
Jen! Which one's Jen?
老兄 你要不知道 我更不知道
Aw, man, if you don't know, then I definitely don't.
她不在这里 这些新娘都他妈是谁
She's not here! Who the hell are these brides?
特里 搞什么 你你没找到她
Terry, what the hell? You‐‐ you didn't find her?
什么叫"找到她" 这他妈是什么情况
What do you mean "Find her"? What the fuck is going on?
从哪儿说起呢
Oh wow, where to begin.
我把那婊♥子♥变成了老鼠
I turned that bitch into a rat.
什么
What?
"天下没有免费的午餐"
"Ass, grass, or gas. Nobody rides for free."
操♥你♥妈♥ 你们这些什洛普星垃圾
Fuck you, you Shlorpian shit bags!
你们毁了我的生活
You've ruined my life!
滚你的 红克里斯
You know what, screw you, Red Chris!
你在床上跟我说你不爱珍
You pillow talk told me you didn't really love Jen.
是啊 这不是我们的错...等等 在床上
Yeah, this wasn't our fault‐‐ Wait, pillow talk?
-你们俩做了 -不是什么大事 忘了它吧
- Did you two doink? ‐ Nothing. Forget it.
我们滚了床单 别再提这事了
We banged. Shut up about it.
应对压力最好的办法就是直面它
The best way to cope with stress is to confront it.
只有这样你才能获得真正的快乐
Only then can you truly be happy.
或者至少得到一点满足
Or at least satisfied a little bit.
她说得对 你来自于我的压力 红疙瘩人
She's right. You are my stress, Red Goobler.
我 我不该耽于
I, I should have never gotten caught up
设法控制你或是改变你
trying to manage you or work with you.
我需要划清界限
I have to set boundaries.
所以我要激光烧了你
By lasering your ass!
受死吧
Get fucked!
该死 我们又回到原点了
Goddammit, now we're back where we started.
但我们都学到了珍贵的一课
But we all learned a valuable lesson.
至少你学到了 关于压力的教训
At least you did, about stress,
我想复♥制♥人们学到了关于作弊的教训
and I guess the replicants did about cheating.
我我什么都没学到
I‐I didn't learn anything at all.
把教训头盔给特里
Give Terry the lesson helmet
他就可以跟我们一样学个教训了
so he can learn a lesson like the rest of us.
我学到了 有些时候
I just learned that sometimes
感人的情节不适合放进严肃的大纲里
emotional stories don't fit into a rigid structure,