外星也难民

格蕾琴达斯商场
这地方真绝了
This place is amazing.
他们怎么做到年复一年
How do they keep incrementally
循序渐进升级这些产品的
improving products year after year?
苹果专业版手写笔远超
The Apple Pencil Pro is far superior
去年一无是处 过时淘汰的版本
to last year's disgusting, obsolete Apple Pencil.
新版可以写草书
The new one can write in cursive.
我真的亲眼见过艾米莉·狄金森用它来写诗
I literally saw Emily Dickinson writing poetry with it
就在苹果电视上的苹果电视节目《狄金森》里
in the Apple TV+ show Dickinson on my Apple TV!
这还有U2品牌的无线网络路由器
Oh, they have a U2 branded Wi-Fi router?
是红色的
It's red!
你每获得四格信♥号♥♥
For every four bars of signal you get,
波诺就会送一双鞋给海龟
Bono sends a pair of shoes to a sea turtle.
嗨各位 你们需要修理...
Hey there, you looking for a repair--
给我拿一支苹果专业版手写笔 苹果奴
Fetch me an Apple Pencil Pro, Apple servant.
没问题 顺便买♥♥一条充电项链吗
You got it. You want a charging necklace too?
这种笔耗电很快...
The pencil runs out of batteries very fa--
离我远点
Get away from me!
-求救 -天啊 皮特 你还好吗
- Help! - Oh my god, Pete, you okay?
就是这些疯狂外星人把我困在他们地牢里折磨我
These are the psycho aliens that tortured me in their dungeon!
不可能 我们把地牢改成玻璃暖房♥了
That's impossible. We turned our dungeon into a Florida room.
对啊 我们才没见过这怪胎
Yeah, we've never even met this fuckin' freak show!
-你好先生 我是 -别碰我
- Hello, sir, I'm-- - Don't touch me!
Siri 快报♥警♥
Siri, call the cops!
开始播放天命真女
Playing Destiny's Child.
警♥察♥局
孤废 圆锥头 莫克 科尔沃
特里 雅姆莱克 杰茜
就是他们
That's them!
他都没洞
He doesn't have a hole.
现造一个
We'll just have to make one.
嗨 最近挺好吧
Hey, how's it going?
左手拇指
外星难民们入狱啦
The Solar Opposites are going to jail!
什洛普星曾是个完美的乌托邦
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia
直到被小行星撞上
until the asteroid hit.
一百个成人以及他们的复♥制♥人分到了一只噗噗
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
逃往了太空
and escaped into, uh, the space,
在杳无人迹的世界里寻找新家
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
我们坠落在地球上
We crashed on Earth,
困在了一个已经人口过密的星球
stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
是的 一直是我在说话
That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
抱着噗噗的人是我 我叫科尔沃
I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
这是我的节目 我的噗噗掉了 你看到我了吗
This is, this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
这太荒唐了
This is ridiculous.
我讨厌地球 这是个糟糕的家园
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
人类既愚蠢透顶又费解难懂
People are stupid and confusing.
他们到底喜不喜欢布兰登·费舍
Do they like Brendan Fraser or not?
他真挺不错的 给他个机会
He's a good guy. Give him a chance.
外星也难民
第二季 第六集
克里斯·西科夫斯基 35岁
Chris Cicowski, 35.
曼迪·辛克莱 28岁
Mandy Sinclair, 28.
杰弗里·迪安·多根 33岁
Jeffrey Dean Dorgan, 33.
阿格尼丝·彼得博尔特 75岁
Agnes Peterbort, 75 years old.
明天原本是她的生日
Tomorrow would have been her birthday.
名单不错 兄弟 我喝咖啡都要加一点鼠奶
Cool list, bro. I take my coffee with a splash of mouse milk.
你可能还没搞清楚状况
Then maybe you don't understand what's happening here.
你玩完了
You're done.
我知道你杀了那些人
I know you killed all those people,
我曾今是《识骨寻踪》第五到第九季的
I was an executive story editor
执行故事编辑
on Bones seasons five through nine
告诉你 对伊森来说那可就是"季终"了
and let me tell you, friend, that's a season wrap on Ethan!
就这样你还没升职成联合制片人 真可怜
You never even got a bump to co-producer? Pathetic.
他们肯定就把你安排在《识骨寻踪》笑话室
I bet they just stuck you in the Bones joke room.
我们没有笑话室 那叫影射室
We didn't have a joke room, it was an innuendo room.
我也就是最后几集在那
And I was only there for the back nine.
如果你还想再见到雅姆莱克
If you ever want to see the halogen reptile lamp
用来模拟日光的爬行动物卤钨灯的话
that Yumyulack uses to simulate the light of day again,
你最好乖乖配合
you better start cooperating.
老兄 你都搞错了
Buddy, you got it all wrong.
我会毫发无损地走出去 而你不会
I'm going to be walking out of here, and you're not.
你以为蒂姆和守墙人直接就会让你走吗
You think Tim and the Walldermen are just gonna let you go?
当然了 宝贝 没有我 蒂姆什么也不是
Oh yeah, babe. Without me, Tim is nothing.
零 空白 一无所有
Nada, zero, zilch.
我都不知道原来我在和这么位高权重的人谈话
Oh wow, I didn't realize I was talking to someone so important.
你以为是杰茜给我们有机能量棒
You think Jesse gives us Clif bars,
咀嚼片版泰诺和可口可乐瓶装水的
chewable Tylenol, and Dasani water?
别傻了
Come on.
所有你日常用的蛋白质产品和药品
All that protein and medicine that you're used to?
我搞定的
This guy.
所以我应该相信你在工作日杀人
So I'm supposed to believe you're killing people during the week,
又良心发现 周末转头去跑腿
then turning big and running errands on the weekends?
天啊 你是真蠢
Oh my god, you're so stupid.
听着 在墙国顶部有个洞
Listen, there is a hole in the top of the Wall.
战争开始前就在那了
It's been there since before the war.
公爵会用它来引入额外的物资
The Duke would use it to bring in extra supplies
以此控制人口
to keep control of the population.
一个我们能用来逃生的绝密小洞
A top-secret hole that we could use to escape, huh?
你的想象力真丰富 杀人犯
You have quite the imagination, murderer.
布罗海姆之前办了亚马逊生鲜会员
Broheim had an Amazon Fresh subscription.
他们会把货物丢到房♥顶
They'd throw the deliveries on the roof,
我就爬出去拿
then I'd just climb out and I'd get 'em.
现在我为了我的密友蒂姆如法炮制
Now I do the same thing for my close personal friend, Tim.
我受够你的胡说八道了
I'm sick of this bullshit!
墙国里没有洞
There's no hole in the Wall,
我不会容忍♥你这样玷污蒂姆的好名声
and I won't let you drag Tim's good name.
在这一切之前的之前 我曾是倍力健身中心的
In the beforefore time, I was a rock climbing instructor
攀岩教练
at Bally's Total Fitness.
墙国外 我只"杀"过
Outside the Wall, the only thing I used to murder
室内攀岩墙
was indoor climbing walls.
所以呢
And I care why?
自从我进到这里 我感受到诸多诱惑
Once I got in here, I had so much temptation,
这么多潜在受害者
you know, so many potential victims,
而没有攀岩使我分心
and no rock climbing to distract me.
一开始 我是想自杀
At first, I was going to kill myself.
这样的话 我就不用杀害其他人了
That way, I wouldn't murder anyone.
但是你救了我
But then you saved me.
-什么 -你不记得了 是吗
- What? - Oh, you don't remember, do you?
我就是引发彩虹糖淹没事件的罪魁祸首
I am the one who started the flooding of the Nerds.
我的计划本来是死在彩虹糖堆里
My plan was to die in that Nerd pile
最终能够摆脱那些冲动想法
and finally escape my impulses.
但你救了我
But then you saved me.
-天啊 -那一刻我就知道自己非同寻常
- Oh my god. - That's when I knew I was special.
你救了我所以我能够完成使命
You saved me so I could fulfill my destiny.
我是神
I'm a god!
-闭嘴 -我是神
- Shut up! - I'm a god!
快点 我们快进去
Let's go. Let's get in here.
-我们进去吧 -接我的车来了
- Let's do this. - Welp, that's my ride.
好吧 假设有个大阴谋
Okay, let's say there is some big conspiracy
帮你杀害无辜的人
to help you kill innocent people.
但现在你已把整个计划告诉了我 健身中心先生
But now you've told me the whole plan, Mr. Total Fitness.
那接下来会发生什么
So what happens next?
我不知道 他们可能会进来杀了你
I don't know, they'll probably just come in here and kill you
然后把事情推到蟋蟀头上
and then blame it on a cricket.
什么 你怎么知道蟋蟀的
What? How the hell do you know about the cricket?
那些家伙没什么创意
These guys aren't exactly creative geniuses.
总把事情推到蟋蟀头上
They always just blame it on a cricket.
联邦惩教所
你们来这里以后有人虐待你们吗
Has anyone mistreated you since you got here?
我们的律师来之前我什么都不会说的
I'm not saying anything until our lawyer gets here.
天啊 我就是你们的律师
Oh my god, I'm your lawyer.
这种对话我们还要进行多少遍
How many times do we have to go over this?
反对 驳回 陈述完毕
Objection, overruled, I rest my case.