外星也难民

戴尔 你已经盯着那个罗洛熔岩蛋糕20分钟了
Dale, you've been staring at that Rolo lava cake for 20 minutes.
这不是图书馆 -我来搬
This isn't a library. -I got it.
一共三袋原糖 -我就喜欢这样的原汁原味的
Three packets, sugar in the raw. -That's how I like my sugar... raw.
这真是一次美妙的柏拉图式的交流啊
This has been a wonderful plutonic exchange.
下周再见
I will see you next week.
15分钟后 老地方见
走吧
Come on.
被洪水冲毁 请勿进入
我们要去哪儿 怪胎才住在这种地方
Where are we going? Only weirdos live down here.
再走几步就到了
Just a little further.
最后跳进来的是烂彩虹糖
Last one in's a rotten Skittle.
等等 这水里安全吗
Wait, is it safe down here?
怎么 你怕这里有小蛇吗
Why, are you afraid of tiny sharks? -Ahhh!
马克 吓死我了 你个混♥蛋♥！
Mark! God, you jerk!
别吓唬我
Don't do that. -Ow!
你没事吧？ -没事 只是感觉…
You okay? -Yeah. I just felt...
艾丽！
Allie!
天啊 艾丽！
Oh, my God. Allie.
不 不要啊！
No, no!
大家都系好安全带了吗
Everybody buckled in?
当然！ -都先把嘴闭上
You bet! -Shut the fuck up.
我想发表一段简短而帅气的讲话
I have a brief kick ass speech to make.
飞船再次修好了
The ship is repaired again,
我们终于要永远离开这个烂到家的垃圾坑了
and we are finally able to leave this M-class hellhole for good.
谢谢 -我们去年就试着离开过
Thank you. -We did this last year.
“巴拉巴拉 地球太烂了我们要走了”
"Blah, blah, blah, Earth sucks, sci fi, sci-fi we're leaving."
换一番说辞吧 没劲透了
Change the channel. This sucks.
这次是真的要走了爱莎 启动预发射程序
This shit's happening. Aisha, activate pre-launch sequence now.
首先 请你给我放尊重点
First off, who do you think you're talking to with that tone?
其次 程序已启动
Second, activated.
着急个屁啦 小混♥蛋♥
Talking about "now". Bitch.
这对所有人来说都是一个重要的日子尤其是我
This is a momentous day for all of us, but mostly for me,
毕竟我是这个任务的负责人活都是我一个人干的
'cause I am mission leader and did all the work
你们只会赖在床上发懒
while you guys totally shat the bed.
发射终止 部分成员未在船上
Launch aborted. Some crew are not on board.
你在说什么？我们全员都系好安全带 准备…
What are you talking about? We're all buckled in and... Oh!
耶 寇佛！
Yeah, Korvo!
该死 录音机总是能骗到我
Damn it. I always fall for the Talkboy.
这是我们从肖申克 弗瑞斯·巴勒和加勒格身上学来的
Ha! You got Shawshanked, Ferris Bueller'd and Ghallagered.
太开心了
Yeah.
又在玩没有尽头的“滑水滑梯”？
Infinite Slip N Slide?
你们明知道如果你们不在船上我是没法启动飞船的
You know I can't launch the ship unless you guys are on.
不 我的脚溶化成粘液了你们一点也不关心吗
No! My foot! It's dissolved into goo. Why don't you care?
别再玩了 快看我 我溶化了
Look at me. Stop having fun. I'm melting.
别滑了 我们今天的任务就是弄清楚这是怎么回事
This is what we're doing today, figuring this out. Stop!
斯洛普本是一颗完美星球直到一颗小行星到来将其摧毁
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.
一百名成年人和他们的复♥制♥人
One hundred adults and their replicants
各获得了一只噗噗 并逃到外太空去
were issued a Pupa and escaped into the space,
打算在杳无人烟的世界里寻找新的家园
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
我们坠落到了地球困在了这颗人山人海的星球上
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
没错 我就是旁白
That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
我抱着一只噗噗
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
我叫寇佛 这是我的节目
My name's Korvo. This is my show.
噗噗刚从我怀里挣脱了 你看到了吗
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
这简直太可笑了 我讨厌地球这个家园很糟糕
This is ridiculous. I hate Earth! It's a horrible home.
这里的人愚蠢又无知
People are stupid and confusing.
他们总是点各种做法稀奇古怪的咖啡
They're always ordering these complicated coffee drinks.
为什么要喝咖啡呢
Why would you ever have coffee when you could just ingest
明明食用室温下的棕色能量筒就能达到效果
a room temperature tan colored energon cone?
在我食用棕色能量筒前 别和我说话
Don't talk to me until I've had my tan cone.
需要我帮你把桶倒干净吗
Do you want me to drain your bucket?
不 里面是我的一部分
That's still me in there.
没错 我知道它的味道很恶心 -嗨 抱歉让你们久等了
And yes, I know it smells like shit. -Hi. Sorry for the wait.
最近是毕业舞会季 今天安排了无数堕胎手术
Prom season. Tons of abortions today.
忙得脚不沾地
Busy, busy, busy.
在我宣布诊断结果前
Before I give you our diagnosis,
你确定你们没有什么外星技术
are you certain you don't have any alien technology
能用于诊断你的情况吗
that's better to evaluate this?
我们想试一下别的办法因为我们找飞船求助太多次了
We decided to change it up. We go to the ship with problems a lot.
非常频繁
A lot.
好吧 虽然医学院不教
Well, they don't exactly teach alien goo
外星粘液的知识 但我找到了一些
in medical school, but I found some articles
关于犬疱疹的文章 和你的情况类似
about dog herpes that seemed to line up.
寇佛 你拥有一种领导者基因
Korvo, you have what we call Alpha DNA.
你细胞结构中的受体只有在
The building blocks of your cells have receptors that are only activated
小队成员各司其职时才会激活
if the pack are fulfilling their roles.
等等 小队成员是指我们吗 -应该不是吧
Wait, are we the pack? -That doesn't sound right.
一旦你的小队长时间未能完成任务
Once your team's failure continues long enough,
受体就会退化触发一种“粘液序列”
the receptors decay, triggering a "goo sequence"
用来结束你的性命 以便下一只狗或外星人来接任你的工作
designed to kill you so the next dog or alien in line can take over.
是不是很有意思 -你们这些懒蛋真的要把我害死了
Isn't that funny. -You lazy idiots are killing me.
幸运的是 这是可逆转的
Luckily, it's reversible,
前提是这几位能各司其职认真干好自己的工作
but only if these dummies do their respective jobs in a serious way.
什么 他们是指望不上了
What! I can't rely on them.
放弃这种疗法 给我上化疗吧我要化疗
Fuck that, fill me with chemo. I want the chemo.
化疗可不能用来解决这种家庭问题
They really don't like us to throw chemo at family issues.
好了 我在沙发边上给你准备了各种各样的饮料
Okay, I got you set up on the couch here with plenty of fluids,
有根汁汽水 果粒橙和尿液 -尿是热的吗
root beer, Sunny D and piss. -Is the piss hot?
我要喝热腾腾的尿 -我会帮你紧紧缠上几圈
I want hot piss. -Gonna get this good and tight,
让你的粘液一滴也漏不出来
so none of your stinky goo drips out.
忽略它是垃圾袋的事就当它是一款全身用尿布
Don't think of it as a trash bag. It's more of a whole body diaper.
我知道你们几个小混账为什么对我好你们内疚了 省省吧
I know why you fucks are being nice. You feel bad. Shove it.
你们的负罪感又没法让我的腿重新凝结成形
Your guilty feelings can't solidify my legs.
我平时不是这样的
I know this is very unlike me,
但我的懒惰害寇佛溶化了真的让我很内疚
but I'm feeling guilty over melting Korvo with my laziness.
我也是
Yeah, me too.
要不然我们勉强做一下自己的任务吧
Maybe we should just do some mission stuff,
够让他恢复就行
just like enough so he can get better.
我觉得应该把你的提议稍微改动一点点
To piggyback off your pitch with a slight twist,
不如我们放任寇佛溶化然后想做什么就做什么？
what if we let Korvo melt but also did whatever we wanted?
这个提议的好处在于那样我们就不用履行自己的职责了
See, what I like about that is then we wouldn't have to do our jobs.
合作愉快 泰瑞
Great collab. Terry.
拜托 我们不能眼睁睁看着寇佛化成粘液
Guys, we are not letting Korvo turn to goo.
我们至少得帮他结束痛苦
We should at least put him out of his misery.
谁来帮我再倒些尿？
Can someone please refill my piss?
我们不能杀了寇佛 否则谁来帮我洗T恤？
We can't kill Korvo. Who'd wash my t-shirts?
生活用品确实都是他买♥♥的尸体也都是他藏的
He does buy all the groceries and hide all the bodies.
见鬼 没了他家务活就落在我们身上了
Crap, without him, we'd have to do the chores.
好吧 那我们就履行一下各自的职责
Let's just do our mission roles more,
但只要做到让他帮我们倒垃圾的程度就够了
but only enough to not have to take out the trash.
小菜一碟 -我们能行的
Easy peasy. -We've got this.
你们俩知道自己的任务是什么吗
Do you two even know what your mission roles are?
毫无头绪 -一个字都不知道
Zero fucking clue. -No.
爱莎 请你跟复♥制♥人说明一下他们的工作内容
Aisha, please explain to the replicants what their mission roles are.
为了解闷 顺便也说一下我的吧
And you know what? Let's just run through mine, too, for fun.
说详细一点 拜托了
In detail, por favor.
需要我直接播放培训水晶吗
Should I just play the orientation crystals?
培训水晶？
Orientation crystals?
听着像是我们早该看的东西
Sounds like some shit we should've watched already.
这个本来是要每日观看的 蠢蛋
They were meant to be viewed daily. Dumbass.
在任务开始之时记住你们肩负的使命
In these first moments of your mission, remember what is at stake.
斯洛普就靠你们… -没意思
Shlorp is depending on your... -Boring, boring, boring.
亚宇雷 作为守护者及安全主管
Yumyulack, Protector and head of security.
你需要铲除任何危及这次任务的因素
You ward off any threats to the mission.
你强壮凶悍 为了保护小队愿意献出自己的性命
Strong and fierce, willing to die so the team can live.
还是把最后一句改成“或许愿意”吧
Let's put "willing to die" down as a maybe.
洁西 你是记录者 要善于观察
Jesse, the Chronicler. Be observant.
你需要清晰地将你们的经历记录下来无论成败对错
Record your adventures with clarity, both in triumph and defeat
以便斯洛普的后人能从你们的失败中吸取教训
so future Shlorpians learn from your mistakes.
我就是小队里的“”JK·罗琳”钻心剜骨咒！
I'm like the JK Rowling of this pack. Crucio!
本集写于2009年
泰瑞 你的职责最为重要