外星也难民

然后我们可以在沙滩尝尝迈泰鸡尾酒
Then we'll just sip Mai Tais on the beach
而库克可以出去乱搞
while Cooke gets his rocks off.
好吧
Okay.
各就各位 预备
On your marks. Get set.
我的天 太好了
Holy fuck! Yes!
才三十秒钟 你这狗♥娘♥养♥的
Thirty seconds? You son of a bitch!
我们跑的比上次还快
We went even faster that time!
糟糕 我肯定是调整速度的时候出错了
Shit! I must've adjusted it the wrong way!
或许没有人注意到
Maybe nobody noticed!
不好意思 我注意到你们两个--
Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you two‐‐
我的天 我们很抱歉
Oh god, we're so sorry.
一个穿着Hulu运动衫的人逼我们这么做的
A homeless guy in a Hulu sweatshirt made us do it!
我们都不想跑这么快的
We don't even like going fast.
我是斯泰西·格拉博斯基 这是我同事弗拉特
Stacy Grabowski, this is my partner Flart.
我们是学♥生♥运♥动♥联邦警♥察♥
We're with the Federal Student Athlete Police.
这里有些很可疑的地方
There's something suspicious going on here.
这是什么意思
What do you mean?
真让人起疑心
It's suspicious that
你们俩居然没有去参加奥♥运♥会
you two aren't running in the Olympics!
你们也太快了
You're so fast!
我去 我在跑这一英里之前就料到了 懂吗
Holy shit. I saw that coming a mile away. Get it?
我们到这来是为了挖人去美国青少年奥♥运♥田径队
We're here scouting for the US Teen Olympic track team,
我们想邀请你们加入
and we just need you on our roster.
这周日在莫斯科就有比赛
The race is this Sunday in Moscow.
我们终于能打败那些一无是处只会作弊的俄♥罗♥斯♥人了
Now we'll finally be able to beat those no‐good cheatin' Russians
只要让这对最有道德的美国超级音速小孩参加
with the most morally sound pair of supersonic American children!
俄♥罗♥斯♥基 我们来了斯基
Ruskie Pusskie, here we comski!
好耶
Mm, yeah.
我们要签鲜血契约
We're doing a blood pact.
赶紧的 趁我还没头昏眼花
Hurry before I get dizzy.
糟了 对不起
Shit, sorry,
我忘了我的血有多喜欢人血的味道
I forgot how much my blood loves the taste of human blood.
经典的拉斯维加斯时刻
Classic Vegas moment.
珍 快回来 乖乖
Jen, get that tight rat ass back here, girl!
这就对了嘛
Ooh, that's right,
这里有《梗犬》的整套蓝♥光♥光碟
it's the entire series of Terriers on Blu‐Ray.
老鼠都喜欢梗犬 不是吗
Rats love Terriers, don't you?
到这来 我的乖乖
There you go. Good girl.
他们就应该取消的
They should have never canceled it.
我去 它们是怎么想的
What the fuck were they thinking?
不 该死 哪个才是珍
Nah. Ah, damn it! Which one is Jen?
它们的屁♥股♥都很好看
Ah, they all have great asses!
该死 特里 认真干活
Goddammit. Okay, Terry, buckle down.
现在到你发光发热的时候了 我不会休息的 直到
This is your moment to shine. I will not rest until‐‐
呀 冰淇淋
Ooh, ice cream!
真是怪了 他喊"我不可战胜"
Weird how he yelled, "I'm invincible!"
然后再证明事实完全相反
before proving the exact opposite.
你放了六颗子弹
You put in six bullets!
你不知道怎么玩俄♥罗♥斯♥轮盘赌吗
Don't you know how to play Russian Roulette?
不知道 我想着我能一边玩一边搞清楚的
No, I don't. I thought I'd figure it out as we went along.
现在我知道了 要少放几颗子弹
And now I know. Less bullets, got it.
别急 我来处理
Don't worry, I can fix this.
我不想在这说的太详细
I don't want to go into too much detail here,
不过 事实证明只有部分狗会上天堂
but, uh, it turns out only some dogs go to Heaven.
其他狗都种族歧视 就是白狗
The other dogs are racist. White dogs.
加把劲 加把劲
Come on, come on.
我♥干♥嘛不分两趟搬
Ahh, why didn't I just do two trips?
但愿那些里没有珍
Hopefully, none of those were Jen.
阿伊莎 我需要一个给老鼠穿婚纱的机器
AISHA, I need a machine that puts wedding dresses on rats.
25号♥机器
Oooh! That's machine 25.
拜托 你在哪儿呢 烂俗新娘
Come on, where are you, you basic bride.
是不是在进口商场买♥♥地毯啊
Probably buying a rug at Cost Plus World Market.
真是让人放松的一晚
What a night of distracting activities!
我很久没有在沙漠里埋尸体了
I haven't had to bury a body in the desert in quite some time.
谢谢你 你一定为今晚花了很多心思
Thank you for tonight. I know you put a lot of thought into it.
小意思 红色疙瘩小人
Anything for you, Red Goobler.
要是我改名为克里斯 会很奇怪吗
Hey, would it be crazy if I changed my name to Chris?
是个强大 好听的名字
It's a strong, beautiful name.
很适合你...克里斯
It suits you... Chris.
来 让我看看你的手
Here. Let me see your hand.
你的手好暖和
Ooh, your hands are so warm.
看你的压力线
Look at your stress line.
从你的掌心开始 一路指向心脏
It begins at your palm and travels all the way to your heart.
感觉好棒
That feels good.
我们要这么做吗
Are we doing this?
喂 喂 老兄
Hey! Hey! Dude. Buddy.
醒醒 我要拿东西
Come on, wake up. I need my stuff!
那么刺耳的闹钟 他是怎么还没醒的
Ugh. How is he sleeping through that alarm, it's like blaring.
早跟你说过你会有麻烦的[被日的]
I told you you'd get fucked.
当时没想到你会一语成谶
Uhh, I didn't know it was foreshadowing.
老天 我背着珍出轨了
Oh God, I just cheated on Jen,
还毫不后悔
and I don't regret it!
那是不是意味着我不该娶珍
Does that mean we shouldn't get married?
对 但你还是要娶
No. You still need to get married.
娶我 我们要上演一出落跑新娘
To me! We're Runaway Bride‐ing this shit!
今日奥♥运♥
明天根本没比赛了
该来的要来了 我们完了
This is it. We're done.
有人会发现我们一路作弊
Someone's gonna find out we're big cheaters
然后会杀了我们
and then they're gonna kill us
就像他们曾经杀了兰斯·阿姆斯特朗一样
just like they did with Lance Armstrong.
他们没有杀他 只是摘除了一颗睾丸
He wasn't killed, they just took one nut.
但我们一颗睾丸都没有 他们摘除什么呢
But we don't have any nuts! What are they gonna take?
或许作弊不是什么大事
Maybe this isn't as big of a deal as it feels.
没人关心青少年奥♥运♥会
Nobody pays attention to the Teen Olympics.
我之前都没听说过它
I haven't even heard of it before.
米歇尔·奥巴马
Michelle Obama?
杰茜 雅姆
Jesse, Yummy!
我的两位美国巨星
My two American superstars.
嗨 你好吗 MO
Um, hi. What's up, MO?
自从在这个时间线里我当上了总统
Ever since I became President in this timeline,
我就一直在寻找英雄人物
I've been looking for heroes.
你们俩就是正直诚信的象征
You two are the image of honesty and integrity,
这就是为什么我赌上全美国的财富
which is why I bet the entire US treasury
赌你们今天会夺冠
on you to win today.
-老天 那合法吗 -当然了
- Aw, man, that's legal? ‐ Hell yeah.
布♥什♥在911事件后大获成功
Bush was riding high after 9/11,
结果在摔角狂热大赛上输得一干二净
and he lost it all on WrestleMania.
所以整个国家的命运
So the entire fate of the country
就看我们能否诚实地夺冠了
relies on us winning honestly?
没错 要是你们输了 美国只能关门大吉
Yes. And if you lose, we'll have to close America,
而且全世界的人都会知道是你们的错
and everyone in the world will know it's your fault.
-我承认 这太过头了 -你才觉得
‐ I'll admit this has gone way too far. ‐ You think?
我们就说我们没吃够麦当劳
Let's just say we didn't eat enough McDonald's
所以现在我们爆发性腹泻 不能跑了
so now we have explosive diarrhea and can't run.
不行 够了就是够了
No. Enough is enough.
我们不能一直作弊然后期望没人来杀我们
We can't just keep cheating and hoping nobody kills us.
-到此为止了 -你说得太对了
- This is done. ‐ You're so right.
是时候站起来说出事实了
It's time for us to stand up and come clean.
这出戏到此为止了
This charade ends now.
名气 金钱 肉体
Because what good is the fame, the money, the sex,
和蒂娜·菲还有迈克尔·彻
the American Express commercials
拍美国运通的广♥告♥ 都有什么了不起的
with Tina Fey and Michael Che?
你们凭借你们的速度和正直
You've won the hearts of millions with your speed
赢得了无数人的心
but mostly with your integrity.
-谢谢您 -当然了
‐ Thank you. ‐ You betcha.
全国人♥民♥集资
All of us in the country have chipped in
为你们准备了一份小礼物
to get you a little present.
一千万美元
Ten million dollars!
雅姆莱克和杰茜
壹仟万美元整
米歇尔·奥巴马
你们今天跑的每一秒都值一百万