外星也难民

格蕾琴达斯商场
嗨 有什么能暗示"这人是高尔夫球迷"的东西吗
Hey. Do you have anything that screams "This guy watches golf"?
当然有
Oh yeah.
这是坎戈尔袋鼠和塞缪尔联名的帽子
This is from Samuel by Sam Jackson for Kangol.
正是他参加第一资本金融公♥司♥广♥告♥首映
It's the exact model he wore
戴的的那个版型
to the premiere of his Capital One commercial.
我喜欢它这种设计 这样戴就像个报童
I love it how you can wear it one way and look like a newsboy
而这样戴就像个不良少年
and another way and look like a bad boy.
-我们申请了专利 -能快点吗
‐ We patented that. ‐ Could we hurry this up?
这商场里好像有个缺口里装满了婴儿
Apparently this mall has some sort of gap full of babies
还有个都是女人脚的储物柜
and a locker full of lady's feet.
我想见识下
I wanna see that stuff.
天呐 特里 你看起来像蛋般丝滑
Damn, Terry. Lookin' smooth as eggs.
红色疙瘩小人有把枪
Red Goobler got a gun!
搞什么 科尔沃 你压坏我的袋鼠帽了
What the hell, Korvo? You mangled my Kangol!
红色疙瘩小人
Red Goobler?
他妈的等等
Wait a hot fuckin' second,
我记得你不是去年杀了红色疙瘩小人了吗
I thought you killed the Red Goobler last year?
就在他在万圣节店里追杀我们之后
After he hunted us in the Halloween store?
-记得吗 -对 我撒谎说把他杀了
- R‐remember that whole thing? ‐ Yeah, I lied about killing him.
他逃跑了 我就想
He got away, and I kinda just thought
可能他会像我以前背上那只眼睛那样消失
maybe he'd disappear like that eye that used to be on my back.
该死 特里 那只眼睛还在那
Damn it, Terry! That eye is still there!
红色疙瘩小人也阴魂不散
And so is the Red Goobler!
等等 什么鬼 他怎么那么大了
Wait, what the fuck, why is he so big?
上次我们见到他 他还是颗垒球那么大
Last time we saw him, he was about the size of a softball.
或者说像一颗肥嘟嘟的棒球
Or like a fat baseball.
我也不知道 特里 可能我焦虑时他就会长大
I don't know, Terry, he probably grows when I'm stressed out.
或者他饭量很大 别挑我刺了
Or maybe he eats a lot. Stop trying to poke holes.
行吧 抱歉我有这种始终如一的精神
Well, sorry for trying to be consistent.
等等 等等
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
我再也不会杀你们了 我发誓
I'm not trying to kill you anymore, I swear!
省省吧 那把炫酷激光枪怎么回事
Oh please, then what's with that sweet‐ass laser gun?
只是个条形码扫描器
It's just a barcode scanner.
我正准备注册结婚
I'm registering for my wedding.
这垃圾才不是要结婚呢 快 科尔沃 杀了他
This trash isn't getting married. Quick, Korvo, murder him!
射他 射他 射他 射他
Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him, shoot him‐‐
-疙比 怎么了 -这是我的噩梦
- Gooby, what's going on? ‐ This is my nightmare.
珍 这两位是特里和科尔沃
Jen, meet Terry and Korvo.
是的 我是从科尔沃的焦虑中诞生的
So yeah, um, Korvo birthed me from his stress,
我过去经常叫喊"滚蛋" 还尝试杀死他
and I used to yell "Get fucked" And try to kill him.
我曾今糟糕透顶 郁郁寡欢
I was a terrible, unhappy person
科尔沃 我真的很抱歉
and, Korvo, I'm so sorry.
你可以把你的道歉射到屁♥股♥里然后埋到海里
You can shoot your apology in the butt and bury it at sea.
你说得对 我不值得被原谅
You're right, I don't deserve forgiveness.
我不该那样对你 我日日带着内疚活着
I live with the guilt of how I treated you every day.
你已经改头换面了 红
You aren't that guy anymore, Red.
如果我真的变了 那都是因为你 珍
If I'm not, it's because of you, Jen.
珍把我从暗无天日的地方救出来
Jen pulled me out of a dark place.
我现在唯一想做的就是和这个完美的女人结婚
Now all I want to do is marry this perfect woman,
每日与她一同醒来 为她做面包
wake up every day and make her bread
用这个布勒维尔特制切片面包机
with this Breville Custom Loaf Bread Maker.
好吧 下次别用镭射枪瞄我就好了
Uh, okay. Well, just don't aim at me with a laser gun.
都是我的错 谢谢你的宽宏大量
Totally my fault. Thanks for understanding.
我一直对此提心吊胆
Hey, I've been dreading this for a while,
但是说实话我挺高兴能碰到你
but it was honestly nice running into you.
-我也是 -保持帅气哦 兄弟
‐ You too. ‐ Stay cool, brother.
我不信他说的一丝一毫 你信吗
I didn't buy any of that for a second. Did you?
我完全信了 但我没啥自尊心
Oh, I totally bought it, but my self‐esteem is so low
所以你怎么想我就怎么想
that I'll go along with whatever you feel.
-他是个骗子而且烂透了 -完全正确
‐ He's a liar and he sucks. ‐ I know, right?
去他的小混球
Fuck that little asshole!
我非常喜欢你这种毫无主张的时候
I love when you don't have any conviction.
那我也喜欢
Then I do too.
什洛普星曾是个完美的乌托邦
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
直到被小行星撞上
Until the asteroid hit.
一百个成人以及他们的复♥制♥人分到了一只噗噗
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
逃往了太空
and escaped into, uh, the space,
在杳无人迹的世界里寻找新家
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
我们坠落在地球上
We crashed on Earth,
困在了一个已经人口过密的星球
stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
是的 一直是我在说话
That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
抱着噗噗的人是我 我叫科尔沃
I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
这是我的节目
This is‐‐ this is my show.
我的噗噗掉了 你看到我了吗
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
这太荒唐了
This is ridiculous.
我讨厌地球 这是个糟糕的家园
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
人类愚蠢至极 他们总是在争论政♥治♥
People are stupid. They're always arguing about politics.
所有人都忙着争论政♥治♥
Everyone is so busy arguing about politics,
但没人讨论地球为什么是颗蛋
but no one is talking about how the Earth is an egg.
为什么他们不讨论这个呢
Why aren't they talking about that?
外星也难民
第二季 第五集
体能测试和应激性腹泻就在今日
人类对健身的执念是怎么回事
What is with humans' obsession with fitness?
他们难道还不知道有氧运动会导致癌症吗
Haven't they figured out that cardio causes cancer?
天啊 我们今天要跑一英里了
Oh geez, we're running the mile today?
我穿着我的性感浅口鞋呢
I wore my fuck‐me pumps.
我不能穿着它们跑步 这是租来的
I can't run in them, they're rentals!
我也跑不动
I suck at it too.
我的腿是为操纵猎杀机器的
My legs were made for operating the left‐right orientation pedals
左右踏板而生的 不是为了绕圈跑
in a hunter kill star tripper, not running in a circle.
我们用走的就好了 没人会注意的
Eh, let's just walk it. Nobody's gonna notice.
你不记得去年发生什么了
Don't you remember what happened last year?
我要吐了
I'm gonna puke.
一英里要15分钟
A 15‐minute mile?
我不会让你们这两个怪胎拉低学校平均水平的
I am not letting you freaks bring down the school average.
我们的数学和科学项目预算
Our math and science budget
完全取决于你们两个小废物能跑多快
is based on how fast you little shits can move.
所有人再跑一次
Everybody's running again!
如果你们对此有异议
And if you don't like doing it,
你们可以感谢
you can thank Mr. And Mrs.
水晶头骨王国的这对男女
Kingdom of the Crystal Fucking Skull over here.
我脑袋上的皮疹才刚退
My noogie rash just cleared up.
够了 我们不会再跑了
That's it. We are not doing this again.
连接作弊设备
Access cheating devices.
我之前都不知道你有个口袋空间
Ooh, I didn't know you had a pocket dimension.
-挺酷的对吧 -对啊 要是它不是粉色调的话
‐ Pretty sweet, right? ‐ Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink.
你没得选颜色
You don't get to choose the color!
等等 你是要用时间作弊头盔吗
Wait, you're going to use The Time Cheater helmet?
那不就是作弊吗
Isn't that cheating?
是的 绝对算是作弊
Oh yeah, it's as cheating as you can get.
但是我放学后看的节目都说作弊没用
But, but all the after‐school programs I watch say cheating never works!
听着 你想让别人整年对我们刁钻刻薄吗
Look, you want people to be mean to us all year? Hm?
或者你想做个临时的作弊者
Or do you wanna be cheaters for one quick second?
好吧 但下不为例
Well, alright, but just this once.
我们也要小心谨慎
We gotta be careful, too.
《蔬菜宝贝历险记》里说过
'Cause according to VeggieTales,
作弊会使你变成基佬土豆
cheating will make you a gay potato.
我甘愿冒这个风险
That's a chance I'm willing to take.
头盔和背包是怎么回事
What's with the helmets and backpacks?
其实你不允许问我们这个的
Um, you're actually not allowed to ask us about it
因为它能给我们的性别认同提供动力
because they power our gender identity or whatever.
行 你们俩这次一英里跑的成绩最好使我刮目相看
Fine. You two better blow me away with your mile time this year,
否则我就杀了你们
or I will fucking kill you.
你们跑完一英里用了刚刚好一分钟
You did the entire mile in exactly one minute?
那算快了 对吧 我们可以不再做这傻测试了吗
That was fast, right? So we can stop doing this stupid test?
不 肯定不行 因为你们俩很明显...
No! Of course you can't. Because you two are obviously chee...
不 被发现了 我就知道
Aw no, here it comes. I knew it.
有史以来最优秀的赛跑选手
The best runners we've ever had.
这两位漂亮的外星人将参加区域赛
These beautiful aliens are going to regionals!
区域赛 不
Regionals? Oh no.