小镇滋味

你说得对 我不适合当杀手
and you're right, I'm not a killer.
那好 我可以一个人干
All right. I can do this alone.
我买♥♥了件新的杀人斗篷
I got a new kill poncho.
粉色的 为什么不呢
It's pink, you know, because why not?
我不只是在说丹
You know, I'm not just talking about Dan.
我是说我再也不会跟你一起去杀人了
I'm saying I'm not going with you at all anymore.
知道了
Got it.
-再也不 -收到
- Ever. - Roger that.
你在打什么算盘
Okay, what's your game?
没算盘 亲爱的
No game, honey.
你如此坦率真诚
You're just being really straightforward and honest with me
我很感激 所以我们试试你的计划吧
and I truly appreciate that, so let's try your plan.
好的 我们一起
Good. Let's.
我在我的计划里扮演什么角色
And what's my role in my plan?
去拿那支笔 对吗
It's getting the pen, isn't it?
深夜偷偷潜入犯人的公♥寓♥
Sneaking into a criminal's apartment at night,
不被发现
not getting caught.
-偷偷溜出来 -带着笔 我懂了
- Sneaking back out - With a pen. I get it.
-我负责拿笔 -冷酷帅哥如是说
- I'm in charge of pens. - Said the brutally handsome man.
-你这样是越弄越糟 -是吗 种马
-Now you're just making it worse. -Am I, stud?
格鲁特的一根树枝 《银河护卫队》2014
"A branch from Groot. Guardians of the Galaxy, 2014."
我从没有如此接近一位名人
Wow, I've never been this close to a celebrity.
你应该买♥♥下它
You should buy it.
一千美元 如果我们买♥♥这个
It's $1,000. If we get this,
那你就所剩无几了
we won't have anything left for you.
我不在乎
I don't care.
等下 你之所以这么做
Wait... are you just doing this
是因为你对没有吻我而感到抱歉吗
because you feel bad about not kissing me?
不是
No.
有一点
A little.
过去几周发生了太多事
So much stuff has happened to me over the past couple of weeks,
但我感觉还好因为我可以向你倾诉
but it's been okay because I've had you to talk to.
于是当我看见你那该死的继父如何对你的
So when I see how your shitty stepdad treats you, I...
我只是想要让你快乐
I just want to make you happy.
你值得拥有快乐
'Cause you deserve to be happy.
-谢谢 -不用谢
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
我们买♥♥下这树枝吧
Let's buy you that stick.
首先 格鲁特不是树枝
First, Groot's not a stick.
它是一株相信集体力量的植物
He's a plant that believes in the power of community.
但就算这样 还是不会买♥♥
But even still, that's not gonna do it.
那买♥♥《星际迷航》里的通报器怎么样
Okay, how about a communicator from Star Trek?
或者《惊天魔盗团2》的魔杖
A wand from Now You See Me 2?
《异形魔怪》里凯文·贝肯的帽子
Kevin Bacon's hat from Tremors?
我喜欢这顶帽子但这些都不会使我开心
I like the hat but none of that's gonna make me happy.
那什么会
Then what will?
-说来很弱智 -什么
- It's dumb. - What?
丹每天都让我觉得自己渺小和愚蠢
Every day, Dan makes me feel small and stupid.
我想让他也能感受一下 一次就好
I'd like to make him feel that way. Just once.
如果我们能让他尖叫呢
What if we made him yip?
很棒啊 但要怎么做呢
That'd be sweet. But how?
我不知道
I don't know.
但无论我们怎么做
But however we do it,
你都要戴着凯文·贝肯的帽子
you're gonna do it in Kevin Bacon's hat.
准备就绪
All set.
-你带了你的斗篷吧 -嗯
- Do you have your poncho? - Yep.
-圣诞树包 -带了
- Christmas tree bag? - Got it.
-带零食了吗 -带了手指
- Did you remember a snack? - Fingers.
真有趣
That's fun.
如果你有任何困难杀死这个家伙
Now if you have any problem killing this guy,
任何困难 给我电♥话♥ 好吗
any problem at all, you call me, okay?
如果你有任何困难找那支笔
And if you have any problems finding that pen...
嗯 我会打你电♥话♥
Yes, I'll call.
看看我们
Look at us.
分配任务
Dividing up tasks,
谁都不需要做他们不想做的事
nobody doing what they don't want to do.
-这对我们有好处 -大概是吧
-This is good for us. -I guess.
虽然我感觉我没有尽到足够的义务
Although I feel like I'm not really holding up my end.
宝贝 我们不能强迫彼此去做
Well, honey, we shouldn't force each other to do something
对方不想做的事
the other person doesn't want to do.
就像我硬拉你
Like when I dragged you
去看世界著名的利比扎种马表演
to see the World Famous Lipizzaner Stallions.
就是八匹马横着走
It was eight horses walking sideways.
而且他们根本没想让节目变得有趣
They don't even try to make it entertaining.
拉里·金说这是他看过的最好看的表演
Larry King said it was the best show he'd ever seen.
也许就有趣了30秒
Maybe, maybe for 30 seconds it's a little interesting.
我懂你的意思 我们不用一起行动
Okay, I see your point. We don't have to do everything together.
正是
Exactly.
比如我们用完了手纸
Like, when we're out of toilet paper,
没必要两个人都去商店买♥♥
we don't have to both go run to the store.
-你想让我去买♥♥手纸 -如果你愿意的话
- You want me to get toilet paper? - Not if you don't want to.
在你回家路上刚好有家来爱德药店
There is a Rite Aid on your way home
你不是想尽更多义务吗
and you are looking for more ways to hold up your end.
你在哪 混♥蛋♥人贩子
Where are you, you sex-trafficking son of a bitch?
来了
Oh, there he... is.
没关系 你一个人能行的
It's okay. You can do this solo.
洛基 你在吗
Loki? Hello?
-你♥他♥妈♥是谁 -乔
- Yo, who the fuck are you? - Joel.
怎么回事 洛基在哪
What's going on? Where's Loki?
-我不知道 -快从他沙发上下来
- I don't know. - Get the fuck off his sofa.
你知道他最烦有人穿着鞋踩他的家具了
You know how he feels about shoes on his furniture.
-这有条蛇 -你伤害了巴比吗
- There's a snake. - Did you hurt Baby?
那条蛇是被救下来的 它已经经历了太多
That snake's a rescue. He's already been through a lot.
这里有血迹
Yo, there's blood.
到底怎么回事 乔
What the fuck is going on, Joel?
我们是来和洛基派对的
I mean, we're here to party with our boy Loki,
这里一团乱 你还侮辱了他的沙发
everything's trashed and you're disrespecting the man's sofa.
好吧 我讲实话
Okay, I'll be honest.
乔不是我的真名 我叫巴克
Joel isn't my real name, it's Buck.
我是来这里买♥♥可♥卡♥因♥的
I came here to purchase cocaine.
洛基不在 这里也很乱
Loki wasn't home and the place was in disarray.
我本来想离开的 结果被蛇吓到了
I was starting to leave when I was startled by the snake,
巴比 一条被救的蛇
Baby, a rescue.
现在我说明了我的来历
Now having explained myself,
我马上走 巴克没买♥♥到可♥卡♥因♥
I'll go. No cocaine for Buck. Oh, well.
-乔 -什么事
- Hey, Joel! -Mm-hmm, yeah?
你哪儿也别去
You're not going anywhere.
等马库斯来 他知道怎么处置你
Not until Marcus gets here. He'll know what to do with you.
语♥音♥助手 打给马库斯的手♥机♥
Siri, call Marcus, mobile.
好了
There it is.
只要丹一挖到 爆♥炸♥声 惨叫声
The second Dan digs too close, boom and yip.
我喜欢这个主意 你真是个邪恶天才
I love this idea. You're an evil genius.
根据我的高考成绩我只是邪恶 不过还是谢谢你
Well, according to my SAT scores I'm just evil, but thank you.
你确定你要这么做吗
Are you sure you wanna do this?
但肯定会知道是你干的
Dan's gonna figure out it's you.
我知道
I know.
-你不怕他 -很怕
- You're not scared of him? - Oh, I'm terrified.
但是有你在我就不怕了
But having you around makes it okay.
别太激动 我是在和帽子说话
Oh, no, don't get all excited, I was talking to the hat.
当然
Of course.
-希拉 -是我
- Sheila? -Hi. Yep, it's me.
你在这做什么
What are you doing here?
你怎么穿成这样
And why are you dressed like that?
这个吗
Oh, this?
我正要去一个
I was just on my way to
吃西瓜的慈善比赛
a charity watermelon eating contest.
市长会去
The mayor's gonna be there.
你过得好吗 你在这做什么
But how are you and what are you doing here?
这位朋友是谁
And who is your friend?
这是鲍勃 我的外遇对象
Oh. This is Bob, the guy I'm having an affair with.
鲍勃 这位是希拉
And, Bob, this is Sheila.